A bird no longer sings when it can’t see the sky…
Rock Kitaro – circa 2008
Lately I’ve been running into smiles, smiles I haven’t seen or spoken to in quite some time. They ask, “How have you been?”
And everytime…I hesitate and stutter and lower my voice as if I’m about to start speaking the worst obscenities. After a short comical pause where I’m sure my facial expression runs a gamut of twelve different emotions in less than five seconds, I reduce myself to the cautious, safe statement of…
“I’ve been alright. 2015 has been…I’ve had a lot of life experiences this year.”
And its true. One of my old friends once told me… “Rock, when people speak and talk their small talk. They only talk about the highlights. Where as, you’re different. You speak from the heart almost everytime.”
It’s true that I have no talent for small talk. And if you’ve been keeping up with my recent Stage in the Sky posts, I know it must seem like my life is abysmal and dreary, but I assure you, that’s not the case.
The purposes of the I posts on this website isn’t so much to complain or even attack other people or the culture, but really to reach out to others who think and have the same virtues as I do. Primarily younger people like me who think and behave like they’re in their 40s while the Bud Light commercial makes us feel like lame people because we’re not poppin a cold one and having that overused concept of “fun.”
It seems that people like me don’t have a voice in today’s mainstream media. Not yet. The nice guy who finishes first…I plan to promote that concept and lead by example. That’s why I put myself out there with these essays and talk about my real life personal experiences. I’m sorry if anyone reads these and deduce that I’m talking about them, but for the most part I never mention names. And if a particular essay involves you, I’m probably not going to promote it to you.
Thus!!! If you go out of your way to read what’s on Rock’s mind and then come across something that’s about you, even though I never mention your name (and furthermore I use tact and do my best to suppress the full might of what’s on my mind on the off chance that you are foolish to read), and then you have the audacity to get mad and accuse me of attacking you…Well..hahaha…you know what you can do for me. I used to apologize, but fuck that. The time of apologizing just for the sake of appeasing someone’s entitled sensibilities is over with. I’ve been taken advantage of in that regards, with no acknowledgement or appreciation in return. Narrowminded bastards like that have no place in my world, mind, or heart. Let the bridges burn on those accounts. I’ll get by without them.
So far in 2015 …Oh man. My mind has evolved so much. As broad as my horizons already were, I’ve learned so much about this world, about what has happened in this world, so many perspectives, so many truths. Hahaha! I sometimes complain about being tall because I can’t get away with as much without being noticed, but there are perks to having a higher vantage point.
For starters…I’ve come to terms with my abilities and what sets my apart from other men. On one hand, my peers (people my age) call me arrogant, vain and conceited. I’ve been told, “Rock no one’s thinking about you.” So many times. On the other hand, I’ve had professionals (older people) who praise me for my intelligence, insight and perception. They believe me when I say I’m going to succeed as an author because they see the hard work and sacrifice I put in.
So when I sense something is going on based on what I observed, I sometimes second guess and doubt myself in a futile attempt to be humble and modest. It’s the most frustrating thing in the world when you feel something in your heart to be true, but you turn away from it out of fear from being ridiculed by your peers and accused of being conceited and self-centered. A voice in my head now says, “Well Rock. You shouldn’t care so much about what everyone thinks.”
But I do. It’s important that I do. I want to entertain people, which means I need to be attuned to the reactions of others. Their motives. Their sensitivities. For instance, everyone in their heart of heart knows that LeBron James is the greatest basketball player in the world right now. But recently, when he came out and admitted that in the press conference, tell me I’m not the only one who sensed that people suddenly disliked him as a human being.
“Rock. Ain’t nobody thinking about you.”
“Yes they are.”
I say I need to trust myself more…And more and more, I am. The trick is, as per usual, to hide my deductions and keep my opinions to myself. This website doesn’t count, because at present, I don’t have a best friend. I need an outlet. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends, but they’re professionals and have families of their own, most of them in their 40s and 50s.
I’ve tried and I’m still trying to open my heart to my peers, but I have to be cautious. For instance, this year I’ve done more research about the Civil Rights movement this year than I’ve done in my whole life. Three years ago, I would ignorant and blind to the efforts of the intrepid Civil Rights leaders. I’m talking about the ones who braved hoses and the KKK like John Lewis and Martin Luther King Jr. not the participants of city riots and the animalistic attackers of innocent civilians who just so happens to be of a different race.
Also, I’ve started reading the Bible. So far, I’m at Exodus Chapter 6. I’ve never read the Bible from start to finish before and I’m doing it because I want to. It’s a history book where every chapter teaches a new lesson, a new moral. Also it makes me feel good to hear stories about people who have endured and remained righteous in the face of adversity. I need that refreshment. I think we all do these days where it seems that people continue to perpetuate a cycle and pass on the offenses that have been rendered onto them, when they should collect their courage and take a stand to do what’s right.
Then again…what’s right? I asked this year, “Is there no right or wrong, only popular opinion?”
I mean…to me, It’s basic proper manners to greet someone when you approach or meet someone. But it seems that according to south Florida culture, greetings aren’t necessary. In fact, you’re weird if you think you’re entitled to a hello just because you say it.
That last part was sarcasm. But it’s just an example of how my culture doesn’t exactly fit in with my peers. It also explains why I enjoy the company of much older people.
In two weeks, it will be July 3rd 2015. It will mark the tenth year anniversary of my leaving the nest. I thought about releasing how much I’ve changed…But that’s massive book in of itself. I’ve cried so many times this year man. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing with me. After much reflection, I think it means that I’m getting better at putting myself into other people’s shoes.
When I cry, it’s usually because I read something sad that happened to somebody else. Or watched a film where the injustice was so great. Such as Dorothy Hale. A socialite who committed suicide by jumping off a building. Or just today, I just finished watching “The Butler” starring Forrest Whitaker. I cried when Oprah died. It’s the same sadness I felt when I watched the HBO miniseries and “John Adam’s” wife died. It’s how I know that when I get married, it will be once and forever. Nothing or no one commands my respect more than couples who have been married and stayed faithfully married for decades and decades.
Thus…I cry out of immense sadness. I cry out of immense happiness. I cry out immense rage. And I laugh when I’ve found new hate. That’s another thing I learned. And again, to me, this isn’t a bad thing. Some people run on love and positive encouragement. I run on those sweet and innocent things too. But nothing drives me more than when I fucking hate something or someone. I really do laugh and smile and I feel the fire fuming from my arms and shoulders. It pushes me to get stronger, faster, more intelligent, more productive. Make something out of myself. Move your ass! Lets go!
That’s weird. I get it. But I’m not the only one. That’s the purpose of this website. To push and promote my written works of course, but its also my voice. I’ve already even considered it to the point that when I get famous and people start picking at what I’ve said years ago. That is what they do when people get into the spotlight, especially if you’re claiming to promote a virtuous persona. They’ll twist your words, distort it, misinterpret it and make you out to be a villain.
Why? Because you’ve exposed them for the pieces of shits they are and they won’t stand for it. They won’t listen to you. They won’t open their mind and consider a different perspective. They’ll just scan and wait for something to latch on to in order to discredit you. The more wholesome you are, the more they’ll dig. Because there’s no way they can accept the fact that you…that I am a nice guy.
“Nice guy? But you talk about hate and fire and anger and rage! So how can you claim to be nice?”
Good question. Oh wait, my bad. That’s the easiest retort. The answer is that everything I feel, you feel. Just differently. I’m not superman. I’m not a mutant. I’m not the son of God. I am a human being just like everyone else. But this human being is self-aware like you don’t know what. I’m a nice guy because I’m aware of what I’m capable of, I know what I feel inside and how I think, and yet I still do the right thing. Or at least try to.