She Hates You, She Loves You


She Hates You Because She Likes You – A Romantic Theory
By Rock Kitaro
Date: March 10, 2014

Epik High – “Don’t Hate Me” (Korean Music) –


Before you get the wrong idea and think that this is dating advice, let me clarify that it’s not. The following is yet another observational theory in which I explain a romantic phenomenon that’s been told since antiquity.


WARNING! This is one of those blue-pill, red-pill moments. Once you read this, your thought process will probably never be the same. Your eyes will be opened and there’s no going back.

This is an idea that I developed back when I was twenty-one years old. I’ve told it to several friends and family members when they vented to me about someone doing them wrong. But I tell you…I had no idea the concept would apply to people who are senior citizens. When my grandmother heard it just yesterday. She told me, deeply impressed. “I gotta give it to you, Rock. You really are one smart man.”

With that, let me explain.

My grandmother, in her late seventies, was telling me about a pastor at her church who seems to hate her. Always making backhanded statements towards and displaying a bitter attitude towards her. She goes to shake his hand, and he doesn’t even make eye contact to her. He talks about her behind her back and even goes so far as to make esoteric statements in the middle of service, insults directed solely to her.

As she revealed her agitations, I couldn’t help but smile. This is what I told her.

“If a person who’s attracted to you can’t receive your love…then they’ll settle for your scorn. Because if you love a person. Or hate a person. One sentiment both of them have in common is that your object of affection is thinking about you. And sometimes, that’s all you really need. All you really need is to know that your crush is thinking about you. So they’ll piss you off to the extent where you’re so angry that you’re venting to others about them. Thus, mission accomplished.”

To be honest, it’s kind of why I get irratated when girls I’m interested in complain about other dudes. I think to myself… “Come on, missy. That guy isn’t worth your thoughts.”

When I told my grandmother this, you could hear how impressed she was. Not in the compliments she was bestowing upon me. But by her laughter. She was genuinely thrilled and proud of me for making such a revelation to her. No doubt, she’s heard the cliché of people hitting on those they actually have crushes on…but in her long life of knowledge and experience, she’s never heard it explained before.

This theory doesn’t apply to everyone, especially not the mature. But believe it or not, at one point in my life, I was very immature.


Think back to when you were a kid. The plot of so many TV programs always showed it. From “The Rugrats” to “Charlie Brown” to freaking “Hey Arnold.” These TV shows had at least one or two episodes showing a girl or guy making fun or antagonizing another character who turns out to actually be in love with their victim. I can’t remember the TV shows ever explaining why it was like that.

So let me take you back to when I was a six. My first crush, I don’t remember her name, only that she had Mariah Carey’s hair and skin tone from the “Vision of Love” music video. On the playground, we were both friendly and had fun with each other until she found favor with my friend, Phillip.

My memory is so sharp. I still grin at the life lessons I should’ve taken to heart at such an age. I remember plain as day sitting with the two at the lunch table.  Phillip told her to shut up like she was completely and utterly worthless.

And then I responded with “Oooh…He told you to shut up!”

…you know…Cause I thought it was rude and disrespectful….

But my crush… She just scoffed and said, “So?”

I thought that was so odd that she didn’t get offended or taken aback. I don’t anymore. But back then, I did.

Anyways, after that, I remember as a child taking great pleasure in taunting her on the playground. You know…the usual. Sand in her hair, hogging her favorite swing seat, calling her names and scribbling in her books. She used to get so mad. And I got slapped. A lot. But even after she hit me, she’d still be so mad and angry with me, staring me down like she wish she could drive a stake through my heart.

And for some reason…that made me happy.

Why? Why did this make me so happy? I didn’t know. I just know that the trend continued well past my elementary years and into the middle school grades. Although, in my defense, by the time I was in middle school, I was on the receiving end of such love taps.

And still. I could not figure it out. One of the most memorable examples was when I was in my senior year of high school. It was in that year where I had my first official girlfriend. I say “official” because I admit that there have been times where I’ve lied about going out with girls and pursued a one-sided unrequited relationship. But it was in the 12th grade that I had a girl like me as much as I liked her.

And when things with south and we could no longer stand each other, we both played games to attack each other mentally and emotionally. It was a living hell for a good four months and we loved it.

During those four months, after the break up, I went on a double date with my bestfriend and two girls. One of these girls, we’ll call her Rosario…kept giving me shit all night. First she criticized my clothes and the way I talked, on the way to the movies. Then at dinner, she kept making me feel stupid, as if all of my opinions were worthless and I didn’t know squat about anything.

Then when she got up to go to the bathroom with her friend, Rosario revealed how she had a massive crush on me. She liked my clothes and especially the way I talked. I didn’t find any of this out until the next school day and it baffled me. My mind exploded.

Rosario was very attractive. She had a hot body, a lovely smile and was relatively nice to people. So why on earth was she acting like a total bitch? When I asked her about it, she said she was worried because I was out of her league. I’m not making this up. She literally told me that she thought there was no way I’d go out with her.

I couldn’t believe it. I think I’m kind of a good looking guy now, but back when I was in high school, my self-esteem was pathetic. I only put on the air of arrogance because people kept casting that judgment upon me. But I was 280lbs, had this jerhi curl fro. I had man-boobs and worked at KFC. Where as she was ridiculously good-looking. The kind of girl you’d find as the lead actresses teenage best friend on CW.

So…it only raised more questions. Why did she treat me like crap?

Then jump to the age of twenty-one. An age of enlightenment came to me while I was in college and in a relationship with a nineteen-year-old, we’ll call Annie. This nineteen-year-old…I learned so many lessons from her. She’s married now and has children. But back then, she was childish, petty and immature. But as much as she was petty, she had an equal or greater abundance of affection.

When I say affection, I’m not talking about the longing or devotion towards another. I’m talking about an obvious display of care given to others. Even when she cursed me out, you could tell that there was deep emotional reason as to why she was flipping out. She had large brown eyes and easily conveyed her facial expressions. I truly thank god for meeting her. Because even though she never came out and admitted that she loved me…I was cool with it because I simply knew.

How did I know?

It was obvious! Haha! She’s not a sensitive person. She was slightly overweight and used to being called names. But she was the type who simply rolled with the punches and dished out her own share of sharp-witted sarcasm and insults. But when I threw a joke her way, however harmless or light-hearted she took great offense and spare no expense in calling me every curse-word in the book.

An example was when…this is bad on my part… But if you heard the tone by which I said it, you wouldn’t be throwing stern glares my way. But I thought Annie was really cute one day. She has a huggable, cuddly type demeanor which I absolutely adore. And for some reason, I felt free enough to say, “You’re so cute and pudgy.”

Goddamn! Had I known the hell that would follow for weeks for such as statement, I would’ve never said it. But at the same time, I was able to learn so much from it.

She eventually forgave me and we went back and forth with our relationships, ups and downs. But it was with her that I was able to sit back and fully analyze our dynamics.

“If a person who’s attracted to you can’t receive your love…then they’ll settle for your scorn. Because if you love a person. Or hate a person. One sentiment both of them have in common is that your object of affection is thinking about you. And sometimes, that’s all you really need. All you really need is to know that your crush is thinking about you. So they’ll piss you off to the extent where you’re so angry that you’re venting to others about them. Thus, mission accomplished.”

Such a sentiment

“Really Rock? Is being in the person’s thoughts really so important?”

Well think about it. Why do people want to be famous? Why do people want to be “wanted”? Yes, it’s a vain thought and most people will never just come out and admit it, but simply knowing that someone else is thinking about you is a fulfilling sensation.

I’m sure I’m not alone in picking up on the sexual tension between two rivals of an opposite sex in TV shows. Even with my flagship story “The Three Kings of Ybor,” its easy to see how readers can look at Eliza Christie and Braden Pierce and predict that one day they’ll get together after years of fighting each other and foiling each others plans. Of course that won’t happen because I never want to be that cliché, but it’s predicable and a lot of writers have it that way. I think this is because on a deep subconscious level, the reader or viewer finds some pleasure in it. Hahaha! I dare say, those aren’t the demographics I’m looking for. Let those fans stay on CW and MTV.


Probably the most elementary example of this happens on your birthday.

On your birthday… on your modern birthday. Dozens, if not hundreds, of people reach out to you to simply wish you a happy birthday. Now, you can get mad at that, doubting how many of those people really care. But I think even if you do…there’s some satisfaction you receive along with the annoyance. Much like receiving a gift from someone who admires you, when you know you’ll never go out with the person. It can be subtle. It can be great. But there is a subconscious pleasure human beings get when someone wishes them a happy birthday, especially when you’re receiving your wishes from long distance.


Because no matter how small or brief or insignificant the generic “happy birthday” is, it’s a guaranteed fact that another person is thinking about you. Just as it’s a guarantee that these words are in your head right now by simply reading them. It’s an honest to goodness fact that someone else out there has you in their minds. On any other day, you can sit and wonder about it all day. But on your birthday, when someone reaches out to you, you don’t have to wonder. You just know.

Even when you are in a committed relationship with another person as mature as you are. We still go out of our ways to toss out gestures that can be as grand as a dinner reservation at the hottest spot in town, to a simple rose left on her desk at work. We find pleasure in not only making those people happy, but knowing that with that smile, they have you in mind.

Now that it’s August 28th, 2019…I have one more theory as to why she hates you because she loves you…This goes out to the guys and girls who don’t care about trends or what’s fashionable to do…The problem is, the one crushing on you wishes you did care. They wish you were different from what you are.

I know this, because I’m guilty of it too. Except, I don’t hate them…I feel sorry for them and pray that they find someone who can accept them, because I won’t.

In my experience, (I’m now 33), I’ve found that a lot of ire directed to me by good-looking women I really could see myself going out with, is that I don’t behave the way they wish I did. I don’t care about money or worldly status. I don’t have a need to travel or attend festivals and all those special events you see others going to from their Facebook wall. And I don’t buy into all these stupid messages the media’s trying to push on Millennials, like self-love, empowerment, anything a woman can do, a man can do and vice versa.

I believe in the Word of God. I believe those old traditional gender roles make sense so I embrace my masculinity and I seek feminine women who aren’t trying to compete, but compliment each other.

When you ask me what I like to do for fun, I say, “work.” I love working, doing something productive, accomplishing things. If we crash landed alone on an island with just the food, shelter, and water, would you be happy? Or would you be miserable, longing for all the other things we lacked. I’d be happy, making the most of it, and finding ways to entertain ourselves until we get rescued or died in peace. I know that sounds extreme, but in the end, that is what I want in a spouse. Where, if something breaks down, it’d be a bummer, but with our attitudes and knowing we had each other no matter what, we’d be alright.

5 comments on “She Hates You, She Loves You

  1. Pingback: She Hates You, Because She Likes You – A Romantic Theory | Stage In The Sky

  2. I sometimes wonder whether general male violence, philandering, sexism and controlling behavior toward girls/women are related to the same constraining societal idealization of the ‘real man’ (albeit perhaps more subtly than in the past): He is stiff-upper-lip physically and emotionally strong, financially successful, confidently fights and wins, assertively solves problems, and exemplifies sexual prowess. (Meanwhile, there’s the Toronto Now article headlined “Keep Cats Out of Your Dating Profile, Ridiculous Study Suggests” and sub-headlined “Men were deemed less masculine and less attractive when they held up cats in their dating pics, according to researchers”. Supposedly weak or sensitive men need not apply, one presumes.)

    Perhaps society should be careful about what it collectively wishes for.

    Shortly after Donald Trump was sworn-in as president, a 2016 survey of American women conducted not long after his abundant misogyny was exposed to the world revealed that a majority of respondents nonetheless found him appealing, presumably due to his alpha-male great financial success and confidence.


  3. This is something that I used to see every day as a middle school teacher. I’ve experienced it myself and helped my daughters get through it. (My son ended up marrying the only girl he was ever interested in, so his was an ideal but boring story. 😉 )
    This principle is played out with children, too. Psychologist Dr. James Dobson calls it “the Law of the Soggy Potato Chip.” Of course, you’d rather have a crispy potato chip than a soggy one, but if you’re hungry enough, a soggy one is better than nothing. If a child really wants a parent’s attention but isn’t getting it by behaving well, (s)he will act out until the parent drops what they’re doing and gets mad at them. As you say, “mission accomplished.” I think most of us have seen a family where the “bad kid” gets all the attention while the “good kid” just sits in a corner doing his homework.


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