Dating Outside Your Race

With this one, I want to make it clear that I’m not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings or bash anyone…but it’s something I’ve been in denial about for a long time.

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been picked on, shamed, and made to feel bad for being attracted to white girls. And, shamed to say, I’ve struggled when it comes to finding the average black woman attractive. I’m not saying anyone’s ugly. I’m just saying that very often the attraction is not there. I wish it was, but it’s not. Brace yourself. I don’t hold anything back with this one.

When people hear this, some try to dismiss it with things like, “Ain’t nobody care who you’re attracted to!” 

I wish that were true. But to this day, Black Men get all kinds of crap for dating outside their race, mainly from other black people. In 2019, the billionaire Robert F. Smith pledged to pay off the student loan debt for a graduating class at the HBCU Morehouse, and the internet scolded him . They questioned if he was “black enough” because he was married to a white woman.  

Jordan Peele and Donald Glover are supremely talented artists who have created roles for other black artists and helped launched their careers…but still, they’ve been mocked and derided for being married to white women. 

On Youtube and all over podcasts, conversations between black men and women are constantly taking place about how we need to come together. I recently wrote about the “growing enmity between black men and black women” and now I’m beginning to wonder. Would there even be any enmity if there wasn’t this expectation that black men and black women are SUPPOSED to be together? 

I’ve read comments that said, “we’re not mad at black men for dating out. We’re mad that you guys are bashing black women while you’re doing it.”  

And maybe that’s true…but I can tell you with all due respect, that my honest “intent” is not to bash anyone. Again, this is your opportunity to stop reading if you’re already upset. 

Last year, my dad came down to Tampa and visited with his new wife. After just two days of hanging out with me, my step-mother (a black woman) asked while we were out at a restaurant, “Rock, you don’t like black women, do you?” 

She didn’t say, “Rock, do you like black women?” No. She said, “Rock, you don’t like black women, do you?”  

This is an assumption/accusation dressed up as a harmless question. Mind you, I didn’t say anything bad about black women. She just heard about my love-life and felt compelled to ask. Clearly, I was insulted. I hate hearing that question. My dad’s known me my entire life, so he spoke up to quickly diffuse the situation. 

When I say “my dad’s known me my entire life…” I was raised military and moved around a lot, attending different elementary schools from Florida to Texas. I was that black kid who listened to the Backstreet Boys instead of hip hop. I was into martial arts instead of team sports. I had no sense of fashion, and my swag was more like a goofy Clark Kent than a cool member of Outkast.

After moving around and experiencing different cultures, by the time I got to Middle School, my family had relocated permanently to Augusta, Georgia. And here in the South, the stereotypes were all too real. This was my first time experiencing racism and it was mainly from other black people. It was the black kids who accused me of “acting white” when I was just being myself. They criticized me when I flirted with white girls. 

The message was, “you’re not supposed to date outside of your race. If you’re black, you’re supposed to date black girls. If you don’t, then you’re slighting the black community, then you’re looking down on black people, that you wish you were white, that you hate your momma.” 

Of course, none of this was true with me. I don’t hate my race. But I do, however, hate when people have assumptions and expectations of me just because I am black. Seriously…as much as you see on TV, that black character getting offended at a white person with, “What makes you think I’m good at basketball? Is it because I’m black?!”  

I could just as easily say to other black people. “What makes you think I’d want to go out with Lakesha instead of Samantha? Is it because I’m black?” 

“But, Rock. There’s nothing wrong with going out with someone from your own race.” 

I’m not saying there is. The point is the expectation/assumption is there. That because we’re born of a race, people expect us to stick to “our own kind.” If you do, great. Kudos to you. Seriously, no judgment. But if you don’t…we get this. 

This issue of societal expectations…it’s no small thing. I know people like to act like it’s no big deal and say, “You shouldn’t care what people think.” But I’d argue, unless a person’s a sociopath or has some kind of mental disorder, chances are, everyone cares at least a “little bit” about what people think. 

For me, I’ve always struggled with my “Black Identity,” mainly because my parents didn’t raise me to think of my race as an identity. So, when I turn on the news and hear about the racism so many people complain about, I’m sorry but I rarely feel the same. I don’t agree with the mentality of “if one of us rises, we all rise.” I’ve talked to my brothers and every one of us, all black men, see ourselves as individuals. We weren’t down with the George Floyd Protests, and we don’t agree with Black Lives Matters. And no…my brothers aren’t just like me. My little brother is basically a version of Lil Wayne, he raps and has dreads and all that. 

And the sad thing is, while I was constantly accused of “wishing I was white”…not gonna lie, as an adult, sometimes I do wish I was white. Not because of the racism or equality issues. But because it’d be nice to feel “normal” when it comes to who I fall in love with.

I donno, Rock. All of this sounds weak and pathetic, bruh. You’re free to date whoever you want. You shouldn’t care what the community thinks. This sounds like a whole bunch of sensitive ish.” 

Why is Attraction Important?  

When I say “attraction”…I’m referring to my sexual desire to mate with her. With the average black women…First off, I apologize if my use of “average” is offensive. Average does not mean ugly. But let’s be honest. Some people are more exceptionally beautiful than others. With the average black women, just because I’m not attractive to them, that doesn’t mean I’m saying they’re ugly. But for some reason it’s almost like seeing a relative. I have dozens of beautiful cousins. They’re all drop-dead gorgeous. But there’s no attraction there. 

“Whatever, Rock. That’s cap. If you think black women are ugly, just say that.” 

I can’t say that. Because it wouldn’t be true. My ex-girlfriend was black. The last three ladies I was in the “talking phases” with were black. See the lady below and above? I think they’re attractive. Every woman I post in this essay, regardless of their race, are ladies I find highly attractive.  

Attraction is important because it’s that instinct that motivates us to WANT to get to know you. People like to say, “Looks aren’t everything. It’s your personality that matters more,” and I agree. But for a man to want to get to know your personality as a potential mate, it’s usually your appearance that draws him in, that makes him interested into wanting to put in the effort to find out about your personality.  

“But, Rock! You can be in a relationship with someone and not care so much about their looks. A man’s looks aren’t that important to me.”  

Ladies…men and women are different. I’d argue that you have the “luxury” of not caring so much about a man’s looks, because a lot of ladies care more about how the man makes her feel. For men, there is the cliché that a guy will hump with anything that moves. But that’s not the case with me. I’ll give you an example. 

When I was 25, I went out with a girl who I wasn’t attracted to physically, but I loved her personality. This is a true story. She was an awesome friend! I couldn’t stop smiling when I was with her, and it was so fun to flirt with her. I thought with time, the attraction would grow but it didn’t come soon enough. After months of hanging out, I took a chance and kissed her because I knew that’s what she wanted. And almost immediately, I was repulsed. I ended up hurting her feelings and losing a great friend. I’m never doing that again. 


Now, I’ve heard from Black Women via podcasts that they believe Black Men put white women up on a pedestal. Meaning, they think Black Men only want to date white women for the prestige it brings. As if, dating a white woman means you’ve “made it” in society, or you’re in the upper echelon of blacks who’s worthy of a white woman.  

I’ve even heard from a black guy name Donovan Sharpe, that some guys hate other black men in interracial relationships because they’re jealous. Donovan argues that deep down, ALL black men want to get with White Women, but they can’t, so they’re envious. 

All of that sounds ridiculous. When it comes to me, it’s really not that deep. I either find you attractive or I don’t. Not to mention, the woman I’ve loved the most in my adult life has been this Colombian beauty (see photo below) who’s obviously not white. It’s been over seven years since we last hung out, and I still think about her almost every other day. 

So, why am I saying all this? Because I’m tired of lying to myself. I’ve been on e-harmony for about a year now and I’ve matched with dozens of normal, black women who seem to have the Christian values I’m looking for. I used to say, if a woman’s in shape and has Christian values, then there’s beauty in her…but from what I’ve seen, that’s not the case. 

I used to say, “it’s about your culture, not your skin color” to justify why I tend to go for women of different races. But there’s plenty of black women who aren’t hip hop oriented either. So, I can’t say that anymore. These we’re just excuses. 

When my dad’s wife asked, “Rock, you don’t like Black girls, do you?” I hated the question because I hate holding back the truth.

I wish I did find the average black woman attractive, because the ladies I’ve matched with are good people. It’s a natural desire to want love, affection, and companionship. I want everyone to be able to have someone and it hurts my heart to have to turn down a good, God-fearing black women simply because, unlike this beauty below, nothing about her appearance jumps out at me.

An incident literally happened four days ago as I type this. It’s what prompted me to write this essay. 

Long story short, my water heater busted and I ended up making a new friend out of the handyman who came over to replace it. He’s a white male in his 60s. We got to talking about politics, culture, and religion and he invited me over to his church service. I told him I was looking for a wife and he was like, “Oh, we got single ladies at our church. You’ll be able to meet someone.” 

As soon as I stepped through the front door…first off, these are awesome people. The service was great. I’d like to go again…But as soon as I entered this Rec Center where the service was held, I see my older friend, and then a black woman approaches me. I think she might have seen me coming from the windows, because it was so sudden. I could barely register what was happening as introductions were made. 

My older friend was like, “Hey, Rock! This is GIRL’S NAME. Rock is a writer!”  

This woman was so nice and down to earth. She looked like she may have been in her late 20s or early 30s. Wore a modest dress. She wasn’t ugly or unsightly in any way. But to me, there was no attraction at all. It was like meeting a new cousin except worse, because I could tell she was into me. But every fiber of my being was like, “Noooo…” I know that sounds horrible. But that’s the only way to describe what I was feeling in that moment. 

She said, “Oh! You’re a writer!? Well, I’ll have to read some of your stuff.”  

And I just stood there, smiling and nodding…you know…like an idiot. I looked at my friend. Then I looked at her. I looked at my friend, then I looked at her, until she finally got the hint and said, “Well, it was nice meeting you!”  

“Yes. It was nice meeting you too,” I told her. And man…that was rough. 

Here’s where I had to just admit what I’ve been denying for so long. As much as I tried to shake off that encounter and my own nervousness, when I sat down and waited for service to start, I looked around the room and there other more attractive ladies. They were single. And they were white. They weren’t Instagram models. They weren’t dressed provocatively. They were just normal, girl-next-door white women and I couldn’t help but admire how alluring they were. 

In that moment…I finally had to admit that I find different races more attractive. And as silly as this sounds, I felt awful about it. My conscience wrecked me as if I had thrown a kid’s bike in front of a truck. I was angry with myself for not seeing the beauty in this black woman. And I felt like I was slapping away God’s hand because I pray every night for God to bless me with a beautiful wife. But with each pass, I feel like I’m rejecting a gift from God and thus, I have no right to ask for anything. 

“All right. So, here’s the problem with you publishing this because right now, Rock. Because black women have to deal with so much when it comes to a society where it feels like they aren’t wanted. The odds are stacked against them. And when black men like you come out and say these things, it makes black women feel bad because it tells them that their own men don’t want them.” 

Forgive me. I hear you. Keep in mind that I don’t speak for all black men. That being said…I’m sorry but my parents raised me with the mentality that sometimes life isn’t fair, that others might not want us to succeed, and that we might have to work twice as hard as everyone else because of the color of our skin. But that’s alright. That’s part of what makes us stronger. They taught us to keep smiling and continue to treat people with love and respect regardless. 

I am reluctant to give a suggestion. When I say “average,” I’m talking about the visage, the beauty of her facial appearance. Here, I wish more Men could be honest about this, because I don’t think I’m alone in saying that most men would be willing to date someone who may be born with a 4 or 5 in the face…but if she hits the gym to give herself a “banging” hot body, we’d still go for her because it increases her OVERALL attractiveness. 

I know! I know. That sounds awful and unpleasant to hear. Everyone should be able to accept everyone as they are…but, this is the real world. Not Disney. You can’t expect others to accept you just because you accept you. 

It’s the same with me. Just because I’m accepting that I’m more attracted to other races, that doesn’t mean I expect other races to magically think I’m hot and accept me too. The average white woman could think I look like dog-crap and there’s nothing I can do about it. Not to mention they too have to deal with the stigma of “bringing home a black guy” to their family who may or may not be happy about that.  

But let me give you an example. This woman’s name is Tiara Scoops. 

If I may be so bold, Tiara doesn’t exactly have a face like Beyonce or Rihanna. But she works out and loves fitness. She’s black. And believe it or not, I think she’s attractive. I’d love to go out with her. 

“Yeah! Because she’s showing off her body! All you’re doing is objectifying women! I thought you were supposed to be Christian! Aren’t there scriptures warning about lust!”  

We can debate about “lust” in another essay, but logically…I think God gave every creature mechanisms by which they can attract a mate. Some animals demonstrate their might by fighting other males for the right to the mate. Some creatures have pheromones. And some are given elaborate displays or “appearances” to attract their mate.  

With humans…Men have always been attracted to a woman’s beauty. If not her face…her body. And if you were to ask Tiara, I’m willing to bet money she isn’t offended that men admire her body and think that it amplifies her overall attractiveness. If that’s the ONLY thing he’s interested in, then yeah, that might be a problem. 


Then there’s the issue of “Colorism”. Because I know a lot of ladies have made the “Colorist” argument where they feel people discriminate by preferring lighter skinned black women over darker skinned. If you’re not black and this is new to you…I can see how the issue might sound a bit absurd, but I assure you, this issue goes back to time of slavery.

One could make the argument that I’m racist against “my own people” or that I’m a colorist for finding the average white woman more attractive. And for the sake of argument, let’s say you’re right. Now what? What do you expect me to do? How can I change? How can anyone change?  

Think about the last guy you wanted to go out with. If he didn’t find you attractive, what do you think HE could do to find you more attractive? Talk to you? Hang out with you? Why would he do that if he doesn’t find you attractive? 

Of course, the point I’m trying to make is that you can only control yourself. Even if the people are right and there’s an issue of Colorism, you can’t expect people to suddenly have a preference for you when you’re aren’t even willing to make yourself more appealing to them. Again, I have to bring up the choice of 1) accepting yourself, or 2) deciding to make yourself more appealing for others. The choice is yours.

To be clear, I have found dark-skinned black women attractive. But in my eyes, they weren’t average. They were smoke shows. I used to have a huge celebrity crush on Jessica Williams for years (see above). But consider this… 

When I was in 10th grade, there was a black girl I was very attracted to. I revealed that I had a crush on her to a group of friends on the bus, all black teens…and even there, I got crap when a black girl said something I’ll never forget: “You know what, you only like her because she has white girl features.” 

WHAT?! White girl features? She’s black! How the freak does a black girl have white girl features? I couldn’t believe they said that. This is the high school senior photo of the real-life girl I’m talking about.

I resented that they said this about her. And it burned in my flippin’ chest because it reminded me of…alright, I’m just gonna come out and say it. When I was sixteen, I learned that my black father (who was divorced from my mom and didn’t want to pay child support) told the courts that I wasn’t his son because I was too light-skinned. Like, you can see the veins in my skin. I love my father now and he really is one of my best friends, but back when I was 16, that really did a number on me. 

The truth is, on my mother’s side of the family, it is really diverse. My great x3 grandmother was the White Daughter of a slave owner who fell in love with one of the Black slaves. My maternal family name is “Cherry” stemming from the Tuscarora Indian tribe. I have several blood-related aunts who have a lighter complexion than “Gina” from Martin (see below). 

Even when I was 18 and first came down here to Tampa, people constantly mistook me for being Hispanic. And when I was overweight, one delivery customer thought I was Samoan. This is me.

And maybe it’s true that some Black Women who have these “white girl features” are considered 9s and 10s by modern culture? I don’t know. But again, even if that is the case, there’s always something you can do to make yourself more appealing. No lie, when I was growing up, I actually had a bigger crush on Pam than I did with Gina!  

I’m stressing the working out issue because with black people, there does seem to be an obesity problem. It’s…it’s just not good. And I do practice what I preach. I used to weigh 378lbs and wanted to be more appealing to women, so I busted my hump to hit the gym, work on my portion control and got down to 225lbs for my 6’3 frame.

“Rock, that’s horrible. You need to learn to accept people as they are.”  

I don’t even accept myself “as I am”. I’m constantly seeking to improve myself.

“Yeah, but I bet you’re willing to accept a white girl if she was overweight.”  

Let’s say I was. Now what? What are you going to do? Complain and say that life’s not fair or that I’m messed up for being attracted to who I’m attracted to? Or…OR….work on yourself and improve to give yourself a better chance. Not for me. But for yourself. 

“But you’re asking women to improve for you! Not ourselves.”  

I’m not asking anyone to do anything. The choice is yours. You can take action to increase the chances of getting what you want. Or refuse to change for anyone, and simply hope to find a man who’s willing to accept you for you…which IS possible. And I hope you do. 

“You didn’t answer the question, Rock. Are you willing to accept a white girl if she was overweight?” 

Honestly…it depends. I’ve seen some girls who are 20-30lbs overweight, but they’re young, they’re active, they have good skin so they carry it well. So yeah…I think they’re attractive.  

There you have it. I hope this didn’t come off like I was “bashing” black women. I hope I was able to convey that I have indeed considered the feelings of others before posting this. I truly hope everyone finds someone because humans aren’t meant to be alone. I think being open and honest about these things helps eliminate the confusion and frustration, even if it’s painful to hear at first.

Thank you for reading. 

UPDATED EDIT – 10/17/2022

Just wanted to add something that I missed in the production of this essay. But this issue/topic of being more attracted to other races…I don’t think it’s exclusive to men. Believe it or not, when I was about 29, I had a 20-year-old black female friend who was darker than me, clearly Caribbean raised, but she was attractive, cool, and down to earth and she told me that she only found white guys attractive. Like, she was involved with a local minor league baseball organization and attracted to tall white guys.

What was interesting, and of course this is just me…but when she told me that she was attracted to just white men…i wasn’t upset. It’s like, I understood and accepted her preference on the spot. We even went so far as to start trading jokes back and forth. I was like, “What’s your boyfriend’s name? Is it Hunter? Ethan?” (sorry, my humor is hardly ever politically correct)

And more over, this girl was down with Black Lives Matter when it first started. She was definitely “pro-black” when it comes to the culture and customs. lol, I remember it was she who told me that the “Migos” were a rap group because I never heard of them.

It’s just interesting to point out, because I had a Youtube comment ask the question of whether she thinks it was my experiences or something superficial as to why I think this way, and I think, part of why I really wanted to post this essay and publish the video is so that we can have an honest conversation about these things.