Ladies! This is a huge one. This is a big reason why a lot of people will not get married or have the traditional families our parents and grandparents had. Because of the issues I’m about to discuss, a lot of Millennials are stuck in that perennial high school dance where the boys are on one side and the girls are on the other, but nobody is making a move to approach. Once upon a time, the onus was on men to go and approach the ladies. But because of these issues, the men simply are refusing to do this.
Here, I expound on the third of eight main points I’ve personally observed to help explain how one thing after another has sabotaged (ruined) my generation. And at the end of each section, I’ll try my best to provide a solution because, I know…these sound like excuses. But I haven’t given up. I still have faith.
- The Hook-Up Culture (Non-Monogamous Dating)
- Tinder (Dating Apps)
- Cat-Calling and False Accusations
- Gynocentrism – The Worship of Women
- Brett Kavanaugh and Weaponizing Women
- The Rise of the Manosphere
- The Sisterhood
- Leaving Christianity at the Door
Back in 2014, almost every media outlet and social forum was talking about that Cat-Calling video. It was the beginning of a campaign that eventually demonize what many believe to be “toxic” male behavior. It was the beginning of acceptance towards open misandry, which many felt was justified due to what they perceived as years of open and accepted misogyny. (because apparently two wrongs do make it right)
In the video, a woman walks through parts of New York and is filmed while a multitude of men are greeting her, complimenting her, wolf-whistling and trying to hit on her. Some were rude and disrespectful, absolutely. But not all of them. The problem is, all of it was deemed cat-calling and sparked a nationwide debate about the terrible harassment women have to face from men who behave like this.
As soon as I saw that video and the reaction it produced, I knew…My first thought was, “Well, damn. Now, how are we gonna talk to women?”
Because no lie, I’ve had conversations with ladies about that video and some told me, “Well, Rock. No woman goes outside to get talked to. Some women just want to mind their own business and the last thing they want is some guy coming up and trying to hit on them.”
When I was a teenager in Georgia, hitting on women in public was part of the culture. It was like a rite of passage where we’d spot a girl walking by, and our boys would be like, “there you go!” and you’d need to muster up the courage to go and talk to her. This wasn’t easy. And sometimes girls like to show out for their girlfriends by dissing you in the most embarrassing way. But either way, this is personally how I’ve gotten plenty of phone numbers.
I’m not talking about walking up and being like, “Hey gurl! What that thang do!” No. You just walk up, compliment her, introduce yourself and ask for that number. That’s it. The worst she could say was No or Ew, or what are you wearing, or you look goofy as hell. But whatever, we could take that.
They say “nobody likes rejection”. But I saw it as a win, proud of myself for simply having the courage to go for it. Not to mention, just because some women like the one in the Cat-Calling video don’t like dudes hitting on them, it doesn’t mean all Women feel the same. Exhibit A:
Once upon a time, we had this thing called Persistence. You’ve seen it in movies and TV shows. Women used to play hard-to-get where she wanted the guy to pursue her even after pretending to not like him. Michael Jackson’s “The Way You Make Me Feel” is one long music video of Michael cat-calling and pursuing women all up and down the street. There’s an actual song from the 90s called “She’s Playing Hard to Get” that has over 10 million views.
And I remember asking that female friend who said, “No woman walks outside to get talked to…”
I asked her, “Alright, so how about this. If women are so annoyed that guys come up and try to talk to them, how about we change the culture so that Women are the ones expected to make the first move and hit on the guy?”
She didn’t have an answer for that. Between the Cat-Calling and the MeToo Movement, good men have caught on and stopped approaching to make the first move. I honestly thought it was just me, or just a few of us. But it turns out, there are a lot of us. That’s why you have ladies like this one complaining.
The woman above asks “why aren’t men approaching.” She clearly wants men to approach her.
“Yeah, Rock. But in a bar!”
Alright so, is there some stupid list of locations that every woman ON EARTH has drawn up of where it’s okay or not okay to approach women? Because you know that’s BS, right? There are women who walk down the street, see a hot guy, hopes he approaches…but he doesn’t. Mainly, because we’ve seen too many attitudes like this lady.
How is a man supposed to know? Body language? The look? Actions speak louder than words, but actions can also be misinterpreted. That’s why you need words to back it up. Not to mention, people lie. You can read all the signals and translate the body language perfectly, but in the end, she can gaslight you and say it’s all in your head.
“But, Rock. It’s HOW a man approaches. If he comes up with this weird energy and no confidence, he can come off as creepy.”
Yeah, let’s talk about that. It segways into the next point…sexual harassment. Personally, I know how it feels to be accused of sexual harassment. Given that so many people think it’s no big a deal, I wonder if it’s a blessing that I have a level of understanding so many just don’t. That’s why you hear dumb ish like, “if you didn’t do it, then you have nothing to worry about.”
To be clear…when I’m talking about “false accusations” it’s more than just a people lying and accusing a guy of something he never did. It’s also about the trumped-up exaggerated charge of something he did do, but twisting it into something it wasn’t.
For instance, when I was growing up, I was under the impression that Sexual Harassment was when a guy kept messing with you, or asking you out. You tell him no or go away, but he keeps coming and hitting on you still. These days, sexual harassment can mean anything that simply makes her feel uncomfortable.
This is a problem! Because when you give everything a blanketed term for something that’s actually severe, it waters down the seriousness of those who truly are guilty of it.
For instance, once upon a time, “abuse” was serious. When you think of abuse in your head, you think of someone getting beat or berated on a consistent and constant basis. Now, it can range from anything from yelling, to him not letting you do what you want, like hang out with promiscuous friends. Almost every girl on the Fresh and Fit’s podcast, when they ask why they broke up with their boyfriends, they all say, “he was abusive.”
The Guys would ask, “Did he ever hit you or curse you out?”
The Girls would say, “No, but he’d talk down to me and make me feel so small and little.”
I’m not saying that isn’t bad…but abuse?
When I was 24, this was back in 2011 (before MeToo, thank god), I was accused of sexual harassment for an outburst of laughter, I laughed when a female co-worker told me she had breast reduction surgery. I wasn’t attracted to her. Didn’t want to go out with her. And I felt bad about it almost immediately. It was immature and insensitive, absolutely. But sexual harassment? I laughed for all about 2 flippin’ seconds.
That same year, another girl told a manager that it felt like I was stalking her. I’m 6’3, about 250lbs back then. I’ve never stalked anyone in my life. If anything, my problem is that I’m too quick to walk away when they act like they don’t want anything to do with me. This girl accused me of that because we were always competing intellectually. I really was attracted to her. But when she saw I wasn’t the type to just put up with anything, especially nonsense in a debate, she attacked my character by spreading that malicious rumor.
And lastly, that same year, I was walking a girl to her car after getting to know her for some time. I was attracted to her. So, like my old-school parents taught me, I mustered the courage and confidence to say, “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re really pretty. I was wondering, could I get your number?”
She smiled and said, “Yeah. Here you go. But just so you know, I do have a boyfriend.”
I was like, “Hahaha! Alright. I gotcha.”
And of course, I never called her…because she had a boyfriend. And maybe she was jaded because I never called? Because later, I found out she told a group of my associates that she was creeped out by me and gave me her number out of fear.
When I found that out… I was like, “f**k this. I’m done.”
First off, as guys, we can feel it. We can sense when everyone’s treating us differently, like “oh, you better watch out for him.” It’s a rotten feeling. This is why it’s worse than just rejection. For a lot of us good men who were raised to be White Knights, you’re accusing us of being exactly the kind of guys we grew up to hate and see as worse than scum.
It’s like if you were raised to love black people, and you admire Black History, and you love the music, and you like the culture and the style…but someone accuses you of being a racist, the kind of person you hated growing up. They do this, not once, not twice, but three times in the same year when you KNOW damn well you’re not a racist. You’d probably beat the ish out of the first person you saw who was committing a hate crime. How likely are you going to want to hang around black people after all those accusations?
People like to say, “oh, you can’t give up. You can’t let one or two…” but there were three! Back to back.
Then they’ll say, “Well you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” Yeah…but usually you don’t take the f**king shot unless you at least believe you’re going to make it. Or…you got nothing to lose, like the shot clock is running out.
And lastly, they’ll say, “Well, if this is how you make people feel, then maybe you should change who you are.” And then they get mad when I don’t like to hang out with fellow Millennials. They question why I don’t like to go to parties. The same person who literally said that to me, ironically, she’s part of that leftist “love yourself” crowd. So essentially, it’s love yourself, unless you make us women feel uncomfortable. If that’s the case, then you should change who you are to accommodate us. (because f**k who you are, you stupid, ugly man!)
All this happened over 10 years ago, but I still feel the effects to this day. I try my best not to check out girls in the gym. When I’m attracted to a woman I don’t know, I try not to look her in the eye because I’m afraid my attraction being so transparent that creeps her out, which in turn makes me look weak and timid. It also gives the impression that I’m not interested in women…which couldn’t be farther from the truth.
That’s why I’m much better at making new friends with older ladies. I can relax and be myself without worrying about them accusing me of something. And yeah, it could be because they have a firm grasp of reality that a young guy like me isn’t trying to get in their pants.
All that said…I want to make it clear that my fear of approaching or even making a first move, that’s not a woman’s problem. That’s my issue and something I need to work on. I don’t know how many men feel the same as I do, but the way so many women complain about Men not approaching like they used to…it’s not looking good.
“But seriously, Rock. Did those false accusations really ruin you? You look good. You had girlfriends even after all that. With a little therapy you should be fine.”
I consider myself blessed. A lot of men didn’t have it so easy. In the very first book of the Bible we have Joseph who had to spend 3 years in jail after Potiphar’s wife falsely accused him. A lot of other men have had their careers ruined, marriages ended, and even estranged relationships with their own children, like the father who was afraid of hugging his daughter after his wife falsely accused him of touching the daughter during a nasty child custody battle.
Then there are situations like this, which you won’t hear about on the news, but happens time and time again. This video tells of a woman who had a documented habit of falsely accusing the men she worked with, and despite all the evidence and multiple eye-witnesses, the company took the woman’s word and the Man lost millions in business and legal court fees trying to defend his name.
The other thing you have to consider is how badly it hurts those who are truly victims of sexual harassment, misconduct and abuse. With each publicized attempt to take down a man via some sexual misconduct allegation…it makes sense why more and more men are starting to ask questions that makes it sound like we’re blaming the victim.
Right now, there are women living in truly abusive situations. Those women need help. They need encouragement. They’re the ones who truly need empowerment to get out of those situations sooner than later.
“But Rock…there’s one thing you haven’t mentioned. What about all the men who do abuse women, who are guilty of sexual harassment, who have MeToo’d women over the years. Don’t you think it’s their fault for casting a bad light on men and making women feel like they have to have their guard up?”
My friends…bad people exist. Since the dawn antiquity there have always been evil doers and those who commit crime. Those who abuse others. Those who bully, belittle, and mistreat others. Anyone who’s guilty of sexual harassment, stalking, abusing and raping women deserves to be behind bars.
That’s why when it comes to “empowering women,” I wish the focus was less about encouraging women to act more like men, and more about encouraging women to say “No” or to go to the police and file reports on the men who are abusing them. Instead, what you find are Women going to TikTok and posting their accounts. You gotta ask why?
In the video above, the woman openly talks about staying in a toxic abusive relationship despite the guy cheating and taking advantage of her. You gotta ask why? Why post this? Why didn’t she leave? Of course, I have my suspicions, but the point is, I really wish we empowered women to 1) know their worth, 2) take control of their lives and 3) leave these guys for better men who will love and treat them right.
Trust me…I know. Last month, when I lost my favorite cousin, I learned that her baby daddy had tried to strangle her. It took her sister begging and pleading with her just to go to the police and file a report. Had I known…Had I known that shit went down while she was still alive…
Those men deserve the deepest pits of hell. It’s why a lot of these guys are beaten and attacked when they go to prison because even other criminals hate rapists, molesters, and those who take advantage of women.
My point is, contrary to the mainstream narrative about some stupid rape culture or how all men are trash and abusive or whatever…you know good and damn well that most men are not like the rotten few. This clip and the lady explains it perfectly.
And the thing about us good men…with all the waves of outrage, you can’t expect us to just stand there and take it. I know a lot of women WANT US TO, but we won’t. We adapt.
In my next post, I’m going to talk about MeToo and how it really correlates to how society has given so much power to the words of women, where justice is no longer just meted out by the courts, but by public opinion.
Awareness and understanding. Men still desire women. Men still want to get married. But the way we used to approach women was ruined. Some Men do still approach, but they’re usually young, have no idea what has happened, have nothing to lose, or don’t care about how they’re perceived.
Even if you don’t understand, at the very least…believe me. The damage from a false accusation or being called the creep…it affects his personal confidence, his self-esteem, and his courage.
I’ve heard some men say that “Women like fear” and you want your woman to be a little bit afraid of you because it gives her the impression that you’re dangerous and can protect her. I don’t know about all that. All I can say, is for a 6’3, 225-pound black dude…I never want the people around me to be afraid of me.
That’s why I liked an Ozzy Osborne quote when he said, “I make people laugh so I can feel safe around them.”
Well…a big dude like me is always smiling and “makes people laugh so THEY can feel safe around me.” Which is the complete opposite from hip hop stereotypes, where you see dudes mean-mugging for photos.
So! If you like the guy and you’re out at the bar or somewhere, or even in passing and you see the guy who strikes your fancy, unlike prior generations…you gotta give him a reason.
I’m not saying you have to be the one to approach, per se…but let him know that you’re interested and be clear, not with these subtle hints and gestures, but clear enough so that at the very least, if he were to go to court, he could explain to a jury of his peers that you were also interested in him. That it wasn’t just this one-way street where he was harassing you or giving you “unwanted attention.”
Even after I was falsely accused and stopped making the first move…the girlfriends I had, ladies, they approached me first. They introduced themselves and from their questions and that first conversation it was obvious that they were interested in getting to know me. I took it from there and I was the one who asked them out.
If a guy does have the courage to come up and talk to you, even if you’re not interested, a polite, “I’m flattered, but no thank you.” should suffice. If he keeps coming, THEN you can act like all the other millennials and treat this guy like a stalker.
Because, I can tell you that one of the most feminine qualities I appreciate in a woman is her compassion. Compassion is the sympathy and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others. Compassion doesn’t mock or belittle a person for their weakness. They’re moved to be supportive and uplifting. This is what triggers a man’s masculine urge to be her champion. A woman’s compassion complimented by my pragmatism…I think that would make for a good team and long-lasting marriage.
Now that you know what’s going on, hopefully you can understand. I just think of the dozens of hot women I’ve encountered in the gym, in their revealing outfits, looking good and knowing damn well they want male attention. We’re here. We see you. We’re impressed. You’re gorgeous. But it’s going to take a lot more than just a stare and a smile to get us to come up and talk to you.
For all we know, you’re just being nice and polite. In fact, other ladies have said that. That a smile isn’t always a guaranteed invitation for you to come up in talk to her. Some ladies simply refuse to smile because they don’t want to encourage men to approach.
Just a hint…but compliments are harmless. Unlike with women, you generally don’t have to worry about men running off to tell a manager that you made him feel uncomfortable. Some people might think you’re “desperate” or “thirsty” and other women might sneer at you for breaking some kind of Girl Code…But if you got it going on, trust me when I say a simple compliment will make his day.