Recently, a new woman entered my life. And one of the first things she asked me was, “Is it a deal breaker if we don’t go to church?”
I’m going to talk about that and this notion of dating someone who’s “Spiritual but not Religious.”
In 2024, I’ve ramped up my efforts to find a wife by online dating again. I entered the “talking phases” with several ladies who claim to be Christian. But when I reveal basic Bible principles by which I live my life, I’m constantly hit with, “You’re the first guy I’ve ever heard say these things.”
The word “foreign” is appropriate, because, just like going to a foreign country where you don’t know the customs or what’s appropriate or seen as taboo…when you meet someone who’s really living by Bible’s standards…you might feel a bit out of place.
This is important because, while ladies might say on paper that they want this or that in a man…I’m beginning to think they tend to go with what they’re more comfortable and familiar with. For instance, if all they know is drama, stress, and the abuse of a toxic relationship, they might feel strange and inadequate with a man who is stable, responsible, good-natured, and has his life together.
(to view the Instagram Reels I’ve embedded, refresh this page. For some reason it’s a quirk with WordPress)
Furthermore, if you’re used to getting your way and having people deal with your crappy (selfish) personalities just because everyone wants to have sex with you…you’re going to run into a problem with people who aren’t just interested in “sex,” but prioritizes other values like putting God first, or whether or not you’d a good wife and mother to our future children.
I get that a lot of ladies don’t understand this, because there are SO MANY men who don’t think like me. It’s understandable to assume and generalize, which is why I’m up-front and honest about things that some people believe I shouldn’t be talking about at the start of the relationship.
One of those things is sex before marriage. I tell ladies from the jump that I am waiting until marriage to have sex, not because I want to shove my religion down their throats…but because I understand that we live in a highly sexualized and immoral world.
I don’t want her to feel insecure in thinking, “Man, he hasn’t made any moves to get into my pants. Does he not find me attractive?”
I do. I’m a hot-blooded man just like everyone else. I can’t wait to get in your pants…but when we’re married. I think if ladies know this from the beginning, it’ll reduce any doubts, they can relax and not worry about having to give it up so soon, and it’ll give them the opportunity to back out before they invest feelings in me and get hurt.
On that note…as I mentioned in this essay, I suspect a huge reason why a lot of ladies (and men) don’t like true God-fearing Christians is because you don’t have the same power over them as you would over those who “aren’t that religious.” A spiritually strong person has the power to walk away from a bad deal, as opposed those who want your sex so bad that they ignore all the red flags, the danger, the deceit, the clear signs of betrayal and manipulation just so they can cure that itch.
When I hear ladies say that they’re “Spiritual but not Religious,” I suspect that a lot of them mean, “I believe God exists, but at the end of the day, I expect men to worship me over God.”
Meaning, if God calls us to live a productive modest lifestyle but she wants you to prioritize money, status, materialistic things, and all the pre-marital sex she wants (sprinkle sprinkle), she expects you to kick your faith to the backseat in favor of what she wants. If the Bible tells us that Men are supposed to be the heads of the household, but she’s a Feminists who views marriage as a 50-50 partnership with no headship, she wants you to reject what the Bible says in favor of what she wants.
It’s not the only reason people say they’re Spiritual but Not Religious. So, let’s talk about it.
“Hang on, Rock! See that’s why I think you’re so full of yourself. You can’t tell me that there aren’t good God-fearing women in the church, and you know it. I think it’s you who’s rejecting them. And that makes YOU the problem!”
Perhaps… The difference between our situations, however, is that I never rejected a woman BECAUSE she chose Christ over the world. Do you hear what I’m saying? I’ve never rejected a woman because she was too Christian or because she believes in putting God first.
I…on the other hand, have been rejected because I choose to put God first and live by Bible standards. It’s not just this year, but over the past seven years since I truly committed myself to Christ.
Allow me to introduce a 34-year-old woman, we’ll call Gloria. I started talking to her in the last week of February 2024. Gloria reached out to me on an online dating site and the first thing she asked was, “is it a deal breaker if we don’t go to church?”
She said this because, on my dating profile, I make it clear that God is number one in my life. I have on my profile, “I’ve been warned that this isn’t exactly first date material. But it is the standard I live by. (though I am flawed just like every other man and I’m happy to teach).”
Gloria believes in God, but she stated from the beginning that she’s not that religious. Now, you might stop right there and ask yourself why I’d even entertain the idea of getting with a woman like this, given everything I’ve written where I stress the importance of only marrying a woman who believes in Christ.
Allow me to explain myself.
For starters…Pretty Privilege is real. I know they say beauty is on the skin-deep and that we shouldn’t focus only on her looks and they’re right. The keyword there is “ONLY“. Meaning, it shouldn’t be the sole thing we focus on, nor should it be the MOST important thing we prioritize….but it is still very important, ladies.
I’m not Ray Charles (blind). You can be the Godliest Christian in the world, but if I don’t think you’re attractive, if I don’t find you sexually desirable, then there’s no motivation, nothing driving me to want to get to know you romantically. We can be friends or buddies, but I cannot consider you for marriage.
This is important because, and this is just a theory of mine, I believe I need to be content (satisfied) with the person I’m with. For me to marry a woman who I didn’t think was beautiful, it’d probably be because someone was bending my ear to marry her, using religion or some shaming tactic (like she’s a good woman who deserves a man like you).
I believe this would backfire the moment someone way sexier enters my world and starts giving me all the attention and adoration I wanted. I would resist that temptation but it would probably feel like I made a mistake. I think that would be super tough. This is just a theory. I could be wrong.
Thus, one of my first questions is, “Can I wake up to that face every day for the rest of my life?”
And for those who get hung up on this, thinking it’s a risk to marry someone who cares so much about beauty…again, this is just a theory, but from personal experience and talking to couples who have been married for well over 40 years…I’m of the opinion that attraction is what brings us together, but it’s love that keeps us together. Love takes time. The longer you’re with me, the stronger that bond becomes. So, even if something happens, like she gets a little fatter or whatever, if that’s the woman I fell in love with, I’m not leaving.
Alright then…find your wife in the church, you might say.
Well…from personal experience and I mean no offense…it does “seem” that most of the women who claim to be Christian, if they know they’re drop dead gorgeous, these women either get married young because they grew up in a community where they’ve known their Christian husbands since they were teenagers.
Or…these hot Christian ladies who know what the Bible says on sex and promiscuity, they throw their Christian values out the window so they can enjoy all the fun and pleasure they want as long as their beauty lasts and they’re still getting sexual attention from men. This is what Pearl was talking about when she joked that it’s so convenient that women suddenly “find God” around a certain age and not when they’re in the peak of their sexual market value.
That’s when, like the Prodigal Son who squandered his inheritance and now find themselves destitute, they suddenly return to Christ later on in life.
And during that time (think all the Instagram ladies, not just models, but any girl just showing off their bodies) they rejected the Christian men who live by Bible standards and opted for the bad boys and immoral ones who help enable their own bad decisions. Meaning, they’re attracted to the bad boys because they themselves are ungodly and want to be with someone who’ll make them feel good despite doing what’s bad.
That’s another reason why you hear so many ladies say “I’m spiritual but not religious.” I think they say this because it helps them avoid accountability, shame, and guilt.
What do I mean? Well, if you claim to be Christian but you don’t live by the Bible standards, you run the risk of being called a hypocrite. Sleeping around and shacking up might be legal and acceptable to the world, but to a Christian, it’s immorality and bad in God’s eyes.
However, if you can say you’re not that religious or you’re agnostic, no one will judge you for basically being your own god and making up your own morality, rules of right and wrong. You can live however you want, shame-free.
That being said…like the Prodigal Son who squandered his inheritance and ended up having to feed pigs just to get by, you’ll have to deal with the consequences of moving God to the backseat.
Some of these consequences include frustrating relationships, dealing with liars, falling into debt, getting cheated on, getting used and abused, wasting the best years of your life on someone who won’t marry you, as well as becoming single mothers, or dead-beat dads having to pay child support for the next 18 years.
My point in mentioning this isn’t to slight women or to complain about a culture that we know will only get worse until Christ returns, it’s merely explaining the chances of me finding an attractive single young woman who attends church regularly. It does happen. Some men are blessed to find those women. But personally, I have not.
Another thing Gloria did in her favor…was she chose me. I know a lot of ladies don’t want to hear this part. And feel free to check out this essay where I explain how false accusations and the culture has ruined the way Men used to be more active and persistent in chasing the ladies they want.
When a woman makes the first move and makes it clear that she wants to be with me…I have a tremendous amount of respect for that. No lie…my dad once told me, “You know, Rock. The men in our family don’t chase.”
I know that might sound conceited, but historically speaking…I’ve never had any luck with the women I made the first move with. Even with online dating, I “liked” a lot of profiles. But the ones I end up talking to are the ladies who “liked me” first.
It takes me back to a debate I had a couple of years ago where an Atheist asked if I liked “Intelligent Women.” She asked me this because I said I wouldn’t mind dating someone who’s as young as 23, implying that the younger she is, the less intelligent they are.
I disagree with that notion. Intelligence is relative. A bank robber can be intelligent when it comes to planning and scheming, but stupid when it comes to being a law-abiding citizen. A lot of people are intelligent when it comes to getting their degrees and excelling in their careers…but stupid when it comes to choosing (and getting) the right mate who will be the best husbands and never cheat on you.
I think it’s intelligent for ladies to understand what’s going on in the world. So many don’t. That’s why you have ladies like this one (see below)
The intelligence I admire in a woman is someone like Simone Biles who doesn’t care what the world thinks about actively going after the man she wants. The intelligence I admire in a woman is someone recognizes and desires a good man when she sees him. Trust me when I say there are plenty of young ladies who have no shame in admitting they want the hood dudes, the cheaters, and scammers.
To me, those ladies are not intelligent. I think it’s stupid to play games. I think it’s stupid to assume a person is so enamored with you that they’ll put up with a s**t test and bad behavior. Even the so-called Christians who go for Men who claim to be Christian but don’t take it too seriously…I think these ladies are stupid. Can you really be surprised when a man like that cheats on you when he doesn’t even value his loyalty to Christ?
Furthermore, for those who are Spiritual but Not Religious, I want to ask them, how’s that going for you? How has NOT living by a standard been going for you when it comes to the mates you choose, the relationships you engage in, and the outcomes you’ve had to deal with?
When Gloria dropped the line of, “Is it a deal breaker that we don’t go to church?” …for her to not be that religious, but still ask me that despite knowing how religious I am…not going to lie, it’s flattering. It tells me that in her eyes, I’m benefiting from that pretty privilege as well (meaning, if I was ugly, she wouldn’t have even wasted her time).
And maybe she was testing me, to see if I’m the real deal or if I’m willing to bend on all that just to be with her. Either way, I think, deep down, I’d rather take a woman like Gloria who humbly admits she’s a novice in her Christianity…more so than the headstrong ladies I have dealt with in the past who claim to be Christians, but they flat out reject the Scriptures that go against their feminist ideals, such as male headship, submission, or even living by Christ’s standards.
These are the types who claim to be Christian, but also think you should be able to do whatever you want as long as it makes you happy. They prefer life that gray area of ambiguity. If you point out the Scriptures that reveal how God feels about the behaviors they practice, they’ll call you judgmental and shame you for choosing God over the world.
With Gloria, through our text and phone calls, most of our initial conversations were about religion and faith…I like how open she is to being taught. And of course, there is the bonus that our personalities match, we don’t like crowds and we’re the types who are up front and honest from the get-go.
After a week of talking to Gloria…we had a deep phone conversation where she brought up the notion of having children and asked me, “How important is it to you that I’m not that religious? Like, if we have kids, would you want them to be religious too?”
I told her, “That’s a really great question.” Honestly, I heard from some people that this is a creepy question for a woman to ask when we’re only just talking…but I like that! Intelligence! It tells me this girl isn’t messing around. She’s not trying to waste my time or hers.
I told her, “I think it’s good that you have to go, because it gives me the chance to type it out.”
That’s another reason why I really like this girl. Some ladies don’t like long-winded text messages. They don’t like to read. Gloria does! I love that! God, do I love that. It is so refreshing. You have no idea!
So…what do I write to her? Do I tell her what she wants to hear? Do I sugarcoat it? Do I act like it’s no big deal and I’m willing to do whatever it takes just to be with her? This was what I wrote to her. This is what I want to share with the world. It’s what I want my future wife to know about me.
That’s another thing that’s super intelligent. If you know my name, Google me. I want you to find these essays. I want you to see my videos. I love that one of my past girlfriends did this to find out I was an author. I love that! It demonstrates a strong interest in me, and her honesty lets me know she’s not too shy to go out of her way to investigate me. Do it! Maybe I’m just that one guy who doesn’t think it’s creepy.
This is what I wrote:
Hey! Brace yourself. A long-read’s coming.
So, to answer your question…while it’s not important to me that we go to a physical church every Sunday or regularly, it is very important to me that our children are raised to grow and live by Christ’s standards.
And to that end, if I’m to love you, even though you’re not serious about it now…I wouldn’t be able to marry you until I was convinced that you were willing to “try” and that you trusted me to lead and guide the family towards that end.
You have to understand, to a Christian, we believe that the only path to salvation (heaven/kingdom of heaven) is through Christ alone. Throughout the New Testament, God warns us that Christ will return and wipe out all wickedness. All those who rejected Christ, will perish with the wicked, no different than those who were wiped away in the Great Flood during Noah’s day.
Revelations 3: 15-16, literally talks about how God will spew out the ones who were lukewarm toward him.
So, if I love you and our children…what kind of man would I be if I did nothing? What kind of man would I be if I was so enamored by your beauty and affection, so afraid to lose it, that I said nothing?
To the believing Christian, this world is very much like the Titanic. The ship is going down. Billions are dancing and acting like the ship is unsinkable…but the only ones who have a place on the lifeboats are those who repent and believe in Christ.
I can’t trust in karma or humans to lean upon what’s in our own hearts because God warns me not to. In Proverbs 3:5, he literally says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Furthermore, for a long-lasting marriage, it is my fervent belief that the main reasons why the marriage ends in divorce is because one or both spouses stopped putting God first. They started relying on themselves, putting their own desires first.
The benefit of being in a Christian marriage, is that we can often turn to God to help us. King Solomon was the wisest, richest, most handsome and powerful man whoever lived, and in the end, it was his non-believing wives that turned him astray, that caused him to lose sight of God. It didn’t just effect Solomon’s relationship with God, but it ruined the lives of his children for generations to come.
My love for my future children is why I take this seriously. I know what it’s like to grow up in a home with two different ideologies. I won’t subject my children to that.
They will face enough hardships just going to school in a world teaching them that there’s 60 different genders and it’s okay to be whatever you want. I’ll need a wife who’s united with me, so when our son/daughter comes home, they’ll know the Truth and benefit from that united front.
I know you believe in God, (name omitted). I caught hints of your passion, so I know it’s there. Allow me to help you build a relationship with Him. It would be my honor to help you see the practical wisdom that will help you be blessed in more ways than one.
I heard what you said. “Simple.” For me, it simple. Baby steps. Genesis chapter one, verse one. “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” That’s it. One verse at a time. Commit yourself to it and the Holy Spirit will take over.
END OF LETTER
Lol, not going to lie. After a couple of texts where she told me she was still thinking about all this, she ghosted me. That was all over a month ago.
Then, last week while I was talking to another love interest, Gloria came back. I called her out for ghosting me and she said something along the lines of how she was still pondering if she wanted to get to know me, knowing what was expected of her.
I responded with, “About those expectations…you know I don’t expect perfection, right? I don’t even expect results or any change right away. When I say baby steps, I mean baby steps. It took me two years to really change who I was. As long as the person is trying and isn’t constantly fighting me as I try to help, I can work with that.”
She “loved” that message.
Now, you might be asking yourself, why am I revealing all of this. These sound like intimate messages that should be kept private between her and I. And you’d be right.
For starters, from what I know about her, I don’t think she cares if I share this or not. Two, I want her (and anyone interested in me) to know how I think. And three…after she ghosted me, my feelings for her changed.
It took some time to get over being ghosted, so I’m not exactly in a rush to get my hopes up again. And at present, I think I care more about helping her build a relationship with God, to be honest.
Is that strange?
Alright, you know what…I’ll end it with this. Lol, because while it’s not a deal breaker that we “don’t go to church…”…it is a deal breaker if your communication is bad.
Ladies, you have to understand that Men are under the impression women are always on their phone. If you take your sweet-ass time getting back to us, we’re going to assume you’re not that interested in us or you’re talking to other guys.
“But Rock! You should always assume a girl is talking to someone else. That’s normal.”
Better not let it slip. You better keep that to yourself and hide it well.
If you’ve established a baseline pattern of communication, and then start to deviate from that…where you reduced your words of affection and take longer to respond with short answers…I’m going to take that as a hint.
Personally…there was something that happened to me in January 2023 that left a deep painful scar in my chest. It happened during my cousin’s funeral, one of the worst days of my life that had me telling myself, “Rock, you’re not that important.”
Thus, I simply cannot deal with people who act like it doesn‘t matter whether I’m in their lives. If you act like I’m not that big a deal, if you give me the impression that I’m not that important, if you treat me like I’m just an option, I’m going to detect that and you will lose me.
“But Rock! What if you really aren’t a priority. Everyone has other obligations and…”
That’s nonsense. I hear what you’re saying. I don’t doubt that people truly do have other things (and people) who are more important than me in their lives. But when you reach a certain age…if you don’t know how to TREAT a person like they are important, maybe not the MOST important, but still important…that’s an issue. Especially when we can see the way you treat others and it has us thinking, “damn…I wish she treated me like that.”
For instance, if she gets around her work friends and hangs on every word they say, encouraging and uplifting them, while showing you only half a fraction of that fascination…screw that, I’m out.
Everybody’s different. Some people play it cool and carry themselves as if they “can get another me in a minute.” Some people think that we as guys find that attractive, as if it makes us feel good that we’re getting the girl that every guy wants…
I’m sorry, I don’t have the patience or tolerance for all that unless we’ve made a commitment to each other.
I literally work at a law firm where Criminal Defense attorneys get hundreds of text messages a day, important messages from people who are worried about whether they’re going to jail. And yet if I, the guy who works on social media videos, sends them a message they will respond back within the hour.
Even if they didn’t need to respond back, like I didn’t ask them a question. They’ll still just say thank you or send a smiley face.
Think about it. I get that kind of communication from people who really are “busy,” in high-stress situations where people’s lives are ruined, and yet they…EVEN THEY make the time to respond back to me in a timely manner.
So…if it takes you, the girl I’m trying to vet to be my wife, longer than a day to respond to me, unless you got a good excuse, you will lose me. That’s just me. I don’t speak for all men. Some guys don’t mind it. I’m not that guy.