The Growing Enmity between Black Men and Black Women
Date – August 26 2022
We need to talk about what’s happening between Black Men and Black Women. I’m noticing that there’s to be a growing rift between the genders, a great deal of resentment and hostility. But don’t worry, I have solutions!
The issues have been going on for years and it’s getting progressively worse. From the “Color Purple” to “What’s Love Got to Do with it” and even in the 2000s with Tyler Perry’s Madea films…it appears we black men are simply not acting right. We’re players. We’re dusty. We hump everything that moves. We’re not making 6 figures. We’re not keeping up with the education and professional careers of women. We shirk out on our responsibilities, making a whole bunch of babies and never sticking around to take care of them. We’re told to do better, do better, do better! And of course, one of the worst things black men do that provokes all kinds of ire…is date and marry women of another race.
I remember when we used to have songs by Vanessa Williams and CeCe Peniston. Songs like “Finally”. Men and women uplifted each other, singing about their love, praising one another. But as the late 90s turned a corner and we got into the 2000s, we started hearing more songs like “No Scrubs,” and songs detailing the backstabbing, betrayal, cheating, and independence from each other. (Seriously, check out the Spotify playlists of hits by year…post-2000, it’s ridiculous)
It appears to have reached new heights surrounding the controversy of this 28-year-old Black Therapist (see video). Long story short, this therapist posted a viral TikTok videos where she “encourages men to go to therapy”.
Sounds harmless, right? But if you saw the full-length versions of her videos…my friends, it is difficult to watch. Now, to be fair…the late Kevin Samuels comes to mind. In a lot of his videos, he tells women to go to therapy. And sometimes he doesn’t say it in the nicest of tones. It’s very blunt and straight-forward.
The difference between Kevin Samuels and this woman was that this woman was supposed to be a licensed professional therapist. It’s almost like a priest posting a video on social media where he’s cursing about his congregation, and aggressively saying most of them are going straight to hell if they don’t keep coming to church. If you were true need of spiritual guidance and you saw this Priest’s scathing video, would you be encouraged to go to church? Or his church?
The Therapist posted that viral video on a Monday and claims she was fired by Friday.
She then went on to post a video bashing black men for going out of their way to get her fired. But according to my sources, it was actually a Black Woman’s article that got her fired. Either way, a GoFundMe account was set up for her and other black female professionals have apparently rushed to her defense. One black female Criminal Defense lawyer said that the therapist didn’t do anything wrong.
As I mentioned in my above video, the main issue I had with her video was not that she’s encouraging people to go to therapy. I actually agreed with that if men need it. The problem is the lack of compassion and the fact that she’s supposed a therapist. Think about it…anyone who NEEDs therapy is already someone who’s struggling with emotional and mental issues. Why on earth would you talk to these men like that? It was so abrasive, heartless, and scathing.
A female commenter wrote, “If it don’t apply, let it fly my brother.” Right…because we should only care about ourselves. Every man for himself, right? (which I’m going to address in another essay)
In my video I talked about the Male Suicide Rate. Men who need therapy need compassion, love, and understanding. They need to be uplifted. So I guess, what troubles me the most is that this woman literally thinks she was being “encouraging.” This prompts the question that Kevin Samuels used to ask, “Do women really know what men want?”
“Well, do men really know what women want!?”
That’s the thing…ever since I was a kid, from my parents, to TV shows, books, and movies, from superheroes to knights and shining armor, me, my brothers and I think other male kids was taught how we should treat women with extra love and kindness. We were taught to hold open doors. To compliment them. To treat them like a lady with class and respect. It was drilled in us. Which is why, oddly enough, a lot of us struggled when we became adults and found that all these things were frowned upon by a lot of ladies today. (video below has Tupac talking about when he was too nice)
“Well a lot of black men weren’t raised like you. There’s a lot of dusties out there who don’t know how to treat a woman so they’re very disloyal and disrespectful.”
And…are these black men rewarded with relationships, your time, affection and sex? My point is…The moment you find out someone is disrespectful and don’t know how to treat a woman, it’s on you to walk away. Which is why I committed 8 pages to this notion of “good girls” supposedly falling for bad boys (which I don’t think is true. I think bad girls fall for bad boys, it’s just that they have the appearance of good girls, so people assume the misnomer is true)
Also, there’s something super important to consider. Let’s say, we hear from a group of beautiful black women stating all the things that they want in a man. We hear them. We listen. What if what they want goes against what God wants?
If we have to choose between doing what Women want and doing what God instructs…what should we do?
The Scriptures teach us that Men are to be the head of the households and that our wives should submit to our authority. (Ephesians 5:22-27) Is that what women want? A lot of women say they want to travel the world, a man who makes over six figures, with Burkin Bags (whatever that is), fancy cars, and a big house. But is that what God wants for us? Did God instruct man to pursue money and materialistic things? (Matthew Chapter 6) Let’s put a pin in all this and come back to it later.
I’ve been mostly targeting Black Men because unlike other races, we don’t have a lot of “accepted” diversity within Black Culture. Once upon a time, we had mainstream shows like the Cosby Show, A Different World, Family Matters, and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air that showcased a diversity of different cultures and personalities within the Black Race. But with the rise of hip hop, slowly, hip hop and urban cultures overpowered and dominated those other cultures. Fresh Prince was no lame. The Cosbys were sell-outs, the Winslows were lame. I witnessed it!
Seriously, I was born in 1986. By 1995, I noticed how black kids like me slowly began to drift into two categories…those who were like the Winslows, and those who were into West Coast/East Coast hip hop. And of these two categories, which black kids do you think had the most behavioral problems? Which were considered the “coolest” by other kids. But nah…that’s just racism, right?
If you’re not into hip hop, urban, or southern Baptist, you’re likely to struggle with acceptance from your own race who will think “you’re just trying to act white,” or “you’re a black conservative”…both of which are rejected by the mainstream black culture. (ie, Kanye West was awesome until he started supporting Candace Owens and Pres. Trump)
So what’s to be done? Is there really enmity between Black Men and Black Women or are these just a few random occurrences? Here are my thoughts:
I think Kevin Samuels started the dialogue (because there were actual conversations between black men and women) when it comes to talking about what men want. I think for the longest time, the only Men who were allowed to state what they want in a woman were rappers, entertainers, and professional athletes. Essentially, they dictated what was cool or lame in our culture.
This is a problem because those black men don’t speak for all black men. I heard this LL Cool J song (Around the Way Girl) for the first time while checking out a New York Undercover episode from 1994. These were the lyrics for one of the verses.
I want a girl with extensions in her hair
Bamboo earrings, at least two pair
A Fendi bag and a bad attitude
That’s all I need to get me in a good mood
She can walk with a switch and talk with street slang
I love it when a woman ain’t scared to do her thing
Standing at the bus stop sucking on a lollipop
Once she gets pumping it’s hard to make the hottie stop
That’s what LL Cool J wrote. So, it makes sense why there’d be some confusion from the ladies these days when black men complain about things like the bad attitude and even the hair extensions. For the longest time, they were raised with the idea that this was cool, that this was all part of black culture and who we really are. The first time I ever got beat up, was by a bunch of older girls when I was in kindergarten. They were singing “Momma said knock you out,” by none other than LL Cool J again…he and I need to talk at some point…
In my video, I asserted that “all men are REAL MEN”. When someone says a “REAL MAN would do _____” what they are talking about is a stereotype based on their own individual perception of what a “real man” is.
The problem with only rappers, entertainers, and professional athletes speaking about what they want in a woman is that it’s not what the average black man wants. I believes a lot of the friction when it comes to these Black men on podcasts and Youtube Channels, comes from their efforts of trying to redefine what they think Black Culture is.
And I imagine, if you’re a woman raised in a certain culture where you went your whole life with a certain mindset and behavioral pattern…I can understand the reluctance to change. It’s like, “Why should I? Who do these men think they are that I should change who I am just to accommodate them?”
Kevin Samuels was trying to teach women, almost like he was trying to course correct. Yes, he did talk about “the high value” man to the point that it was getting obnoxious, mainly because he was speaking from a worldly perspective and not Christ’s standards. But every so often, he did talk about the average guy. The nine-to-five black men, the Christian black men.
The issue as I saw it…was that every time Kevin Samuels or any man talked about what they wanted in a woman, if it’s not who the woman is, she considers it “bashing”. And if a man’s bashing a black woman, that’s bad and he should be silenced.
This is a problem because the truth about what men want, it doesn’t go away. We still want what we want. But now, since you’ve silenced (or you’re in the process of silencing) all the men who have the courage to speak up, you end up lost and confused. You’re told lies by other men like Derrick Jaxn and when you see that things aren’t working (because you’re living based on those lies), you’re likely to be frustrated and angry. Especially when you see men walking away. Like these Passport Bros who are courting women in other countries.
Also, let’s be honest. How many times have we heard ladies try to teach other ladies about what Men want…and it’s mostly false. Instead of teaching women the truth about what men want, these ladies are more or less dictating what men SHOULD want instead of what we actually do. And if these men don’t, then there’s something wrong with the man and every woman should look down on these men and see them as the problem.
Meanwhile, ladies are encouraged to be “strong and independent.” To go out and compete with men instead of cooperate and be submissive to them. To accept the Body Positivity movement which has led to an increase in obesity. Ladies are told to be Boss Babes. They’re told that their body counts don’t matter and that any man who’s concerned about that is insecure. The list goes on.
And here’s the deal. If this is who you are as a woman, I’m not saying it’s wrong to accept yourself. But you have to accept the consequences of how you choose to live your life. You can’t demand or expect others to accept those consequences too. You can ask. You can make concessions to be more appealing. But just as you are free…men are free as well.
Let’s take myself for example…I CHOOSE to be a Christian. I CHOOSE to be a virgin who’s waiting until marriage to have sex. I understand that, in this current culture, there aren’t a lot of women who are willing to be celibate and wait until marriage to have sex. This is a consequence of the choice I made. It means that I’ll likely be single for long periods of time in between the few relationships God’s blessed me with. And that’s alright. I accept these consequences.
I suspect that the growing enmity between Black Men and Black Women stems from that lack of acceptance for our own individual choices as well as this subconscious expectation that everyone else should accept them for their choices. Or at the very least not hold it against them as the reason not to date them.
Kevin Samuels mentioned that most men simply want a woman who’s Fit, Feminine, Friendly, and Cooperative. This is the truth. Yes, there are some men who like fat women. Yes, there are some men who like women with assertive boss bae attitudes. Yes, there are some men who want to be with women with masculine energy (excessive tattoos, piercings, cursing, and vulgar language). But most of us men…all we want fit, feminine, friendly, and cooperative.
When a woman is asked “Hey, what do you bring to the table?” (I’ve never asked a woman this question, I can merely observe for myself) how often do you hear black women say, “I’m fit, I’m friendly, I’m feminine, and cooperative?”
Instead, what you’re likely to hear is that they’re well educated, that they make their own money and pay their own bills, that they’re professionals, business owners, that they’re fun and outgoing and they like to travel…None of which are on my top ten list of qualities that I’m looking for in a wife. THIS DOES NOT MEAN I HATE THEM! I can be friends with these kinds of women all day. But when it comes to a wife and future mother of my children, there are other qualities that I’m looking for first and foremost.
This isn’t to “bash” Black Women but to explain. In my videos, I make it very clear that I think black women are beautiful. I think Cardi B and Meg the Stallion are gorgeous. I said that Lolo Jones and Venus Williams are beautiful even at their age. It’s not about your SKIN COLOR! Being black has nothing to do with a man’s lack of interest in you. It’s all about your personality, your culture, and the way you live your life. Whether or not we would do well co-existing together in the same house for the rest of our lives.
As attractive as I think Meg the Stallion is, it wouldn’t work between us because she’s likely to think I’m lame, uppity, and corny, and I’m probably going to look at her like she too worldly and masculine. I’m not ashamed to say that I would probably be intimidated by her. I believe being with someone like her would make me feel insufficient, subpar, and emasculated.
“So then! The problem is you!”
If I really wanted to be with someone like her, correct. And if she so badly wants to be with me, I’d argue that the problem is now with her. Why? If I wanted to be with someone like Meg the Stallion, having observed who she is and how she acts…it’s unreasonable for me to enter her life and tell her all the things I want in a mate and expect her to change to accommodate me. That’s silly.
Thus…it makes sense why a guy like me would end up dating someone who was raised with a similar culture as myself. It’s not about the skin color. It’s about the culture. When I was growing up, my favorite group was the Backstreet Boys. I was picked on by other black kids for “talking white”. I wasn’t a big fan of hip hop (especially not the rap of the early 2000s). So, what sense would it make for me to try and hang out with other kids, let alone pine after girls who had other interests?
And it’s the same with Black women who date White men and other races. When I was growing up, I had a massive crush on this black girl who was into anime and Pokemon. I was jealous that she started dating this short white nerd with glasses, but I didn’t hate her for it. It makes sense why she’d go for him. I like anime too, but not to the level that she and her boyfriend did.
Ladies and gentlemen…You should be with whoever appreciates, accepts, and loves you for who you are. As black people, as Black Americans, we are free to be with anyone of any other race. We ARE FREE!
Part of the enmity and frustration, as I see it and have seen it since I was in middle school…was this stigma, this expectation that you are supposed to date within your race. And if you don’t then it must mean that you hate black people, or that you hate black women/or men if you’re a woman.
This is a problem. I wish it would go away but parents keep passing it down to their children and it’s one of the worst things you can do to your child. Slavery ended back in 1865, but in my opinion, anyone who implicitly or directly tells their children that they have to grow up to vote a certain way, talk a certain away, dress a certain way, behave a certain way, and date a certain way just because they were born black…this person is not free.
I wouldn’t wish it upon my son or my daughter because you’re effectively limiting them, boxing them in. It makes sense that this kind of child would grow up frustrated and easily oppressed because their minds are chained to a mindset where they have no idea that they can actually leave the plantation.
One more thing I want to point out…I put a pin in it earlier. But let’s stop to consider what Black Men say they want, and what Black Women say they want.
That Therapist who got fired; this was her image credentials on social media.
In her video, the Black Therapist says, “Man claim they want submission.” Even in other videos, I’ve heard women proclaim that they’ll only be feminine and submissive if men ____.
There’s a reason why I posted an image of the therapist’s social media credentials. Did you spot it? Ladies and gentlemen, they say “you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover” but I disagree. I believe you shouldn’t judge a book SOLELY by its cover. Meaning, it shouldn’t be the ONLY thing you judge the book on. Trust me. As a man who used to weigh 378 pounds, there were a lot of logical assumptions you could make about me by just looking at my appearance.
The rainbow flag is a huge indicator that this woman is clearly of the world. She likely doesn’t know God or the Scriptures and if she does know the Scriptures, it appears she doesn’t know enough to know what God thinks about homosexuality (Leviticus 18:22).
That message of wives submitting to your husbands didn’t come from “Man”. It came from God.
Yes, there are a lot of things Men “claim” they want, which is bad and wrong. Any man who talks about wanting sex before marriage is wrong. Any man who talks about how a woman should “put out” after the first few dates or if he chooses to “fly her out” or drops a load of money on dinner…THESE MEN ARE WRONG! This is sexual immorality. This is a sinful lifestyle that God disapproves of (1 Corinthians 6:9-11). Thus, Women should say NO to what these men want. They should not conform to what the World is telling them. They should choose to do what’s good in God’s eyes.
But, as you can see…it comes from a place of objective reasoning. Telling a man that his wants are wrong and using the Bible scriptures to explain why is not only what you’re supposed to do…but it’s also a demonstration of your faith if you claim to be Christian.
On the same token, for a man to want his wife to be “submissive”…again this is back by objective reasoning since the instructions come from God. This isn’t something Man created or made up arbitrarily, these are God’s commands through the Apostles of Christ. Thus, it makes all the sense in the world why a Christian man would want this from his woman.
Of course, if you’re not Christian…there will likely be no end to the frustration and confusion. Because your morality (sense of right and wrong) will likely be based on feelings and the whims of the community (what the world is telling you). And look how that’s going (insert divorce/marriage/fatherless household statistics).
Yes, you could say, “I’ll only submit once he’s my husband. The scriptures say be submissive to husbands, not boyfriends.”
Sure, sure…but how do you think you’re going to convince this Christian man that you will be submissive only after you’re married? I’d argue that it behooves Christian men and women to start acting like married couples (with the exception of shacking up and sexual immorality) before you even get married, so you can learn if he’s the kind of husband you’d actually want, and he can visualize spending the rest of his life with you.
I’m not saying a woman should act like a wife right away, nor should a husband take up husbandly duties right away, but as the relationship progresses and you get more involved in each other’s lives, I think it’s wisdom to take up these roles. If he or she isn’t “the one”…detach and seek someone else. But of course, that’s difficult when you’re engaging in sex before marriage, isn’t it.
In this woman’s livestream where she scolds the Therapist for bashing black men, the Chantelle Simone says, “She (the therapist) has nothing positive to say about Black Men.”
And I asked myself in all fairness… “Do I have anything positive to say about Black Women?”
I mentioned that Black Women are beautiful…but I imagine that point becomes moot, considering I think women of all races are beautiful. So…not going to lie. I struggled with the question. I thought of the stereotypes. I thought back on my own interactions and relationships with Black Women, and for the most part, there hasn’t been any enmity between us, aside from the jealousy of those seeing me flirt with a white girl (in middle school and high school).
Which, shocker, wasn’t exclusive to black women. Pretty much, I incurred the wrath and enmity of every woman regardless of race, when I tried to pursue them, they played hard-to-get, so I moved on too quickly in their eyes. Seriously…story of my life.
I think I struggled with the question because, as cliché as it is to say, “I don’t think in terms of skin color” it’s true. It really is not about the skin color. In high school, I used to flirt with black girls all the time, but these black girls weren’t the hip hop, hood types. They were just like me. Normal black teenagers who liked all kinds of music and different cultures and customs. Unfortunately, these ladies didn’t date me. They went after the hood dudes. I was just their comic relief.
My very last girlfriend was black and she was like that, multi-cultural. She was a Jehovah’s Witness and heavily into soft love music from the 70s, not just R&B, but groups like Chicago and the BeeGees. I loved it!
As an adult, I really think that is the key. One of the ways Black Men and Black Women can abolish this enmity, if there is any at all, is if we came back to a point where we all agreed on a common shared value. Our love for God.
That’s why I loved what Jesus said at Matthew 12:46-50. Jesus was told that his Mother and Brothers were outside waiting to speak to him and Jesus replied: “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”
I loved that so much because it has nothing to do with your skin color. It doesn’t matter if you’re black, white, Indian, or Latino, if you’re striving to do what’s good in God’s eyes, you’re with me! So when I’m asked, “Do I have anything positive to say about Black Women?”
The answer is yes. I love the Black Women who are God fearing. Who strive to put God first. They’re self-sacrificing, polite, good-natured, nurturing, uplifting and supportive! These ladies are always looking out for you with good cheer, just enough to brighten your day, thus they’re not afraid to smile and ask you about you.
Some of my black aunts are natural busy-bodies, the way they’re all up in everyone’s business. And to be honest…because they speak with good fun and cheer, I don’t mind it. They’re always looking to include you in something so you don’t feel left out. I mentioned in other essays about how some cultures raise their daughters from an early age to grow up and be wives, while it seems black women are raised to go out and compete with men.
But of course, that’s not ALL black women. There are some black women who were indeed raised by their parents on how to treat their men. Ladies…when you ask “do you have anything positive to say about black women”…the root answer to this question revolves around how the woman treats us.
However, if you weren’t raised to care what men think or what they want, or to even bother with catering to him and his needs, what’s the point of even asking? What would you expect him to say?
“Well, Rock! What positive things would you expect women to say about black men?”
Lol, it depends on how you were raised and what you believe. And of course, the cool thing about me…is that I know Black Culture is made up of more than what you just see on TV, Movies, or what you hear on the radio. The problem is…men and women like me have to work 10x harder to stand out within the culture, because we’re competing against people like this person…
When I hear Beyonce’s songs about the independent woman, I know she doesn’t speak for all black woman, but understandably, we are worried due to the massive amount of influence she has on Black Women. Even with her latest song, it’s not enough that she’s encouraged the mass of worldly women, but now she’s going after the Church Girls. Dude, if you just look at these lyrics…I mean come on. Is she trying to bring men and women together, or keep us apart? (thot stands for “that hoe over there”)
Church Girl Lyrics
I’ll drop it like a thotty, drop it like a thotty
I said, now pop it like a thotty, pop it like a thotty (you bad)
You know you got church in the morning (the morning)
But you’re doin’ God’s work, you’re goin’ in
She ain’t tryna hurt nobody
She is tryna do the best she can
Happy on her own, with her friends, without a man
“Happy on her own, with her friends, without a man”…Does it sound like she’s encouraging black men and black women to come together? Does she even care? This woman who’s married to Jay-Z. Never mind Cardi B singing about how she doesn’t cook or clean but was caught on camera cooking and cleaning for her family. These lyrics might be Feel-Good Kool-Aid to the single woman, encouraging them to not feel bad for being single. I get it. But give me a break. If this isn’t Satanic, I don’t know what is.
By Satanic, I mean, anything that actively encourages you to do/behave/go against Christ’s teachings. The “enmity” between God and Satan will be paralleled with men like me and women who agree with Beyonce’s lyrics and give into the lifestyles she promotes through her songs.
On that note, allow me to end the essay with this interesting Scripture. Because I have read before, and people like to point out, that God mentioned he would put enmity between Men and Women after the Garden of Eden. And they say this almost as if to justify the difficulties Men and Women seem to be having in our current relationships. As in, “dysfunction and chaos between us is normal! God said there would be enmity!”
But when I re-read the Scriptures in Genesis Chapter 3…God was talking about enmity between Satan and Eve. Starting in Gen 3: 14, this was after Adam and Eve ate from the tree, God speaks to Satan, the serpent.
The Lord God said to the serpent,
“Because you have done this,
cursed are you above all livestock
and above all beasts of the field;
on your belly you shall go,
and dust you shall eat
all the days of your life.
15 I will put enmity between you and the woman,
and between your offspring and her offspring;
he shall bruise your head,
and you shall bruise his heel.”
What does God mean by her “offspring”? This is an interpretative challenge that I encourage everyone to dwell on and come to your own conclusion with much prayer. But from what I’ve gathered with the help of the John MacArthur study Bible, consider that it says “your offspring” and “her offspring”. Meaning, Satan’s children, and the children of Eve.
According to the study Bible notes, “This ‘first Gospel’ is prophetic of the struggle and its outcome between ‘your offspring (Satan and unbelievers, who are called the devil’s children in John 8:44), and her offspring (Christ, a descendant of Eve and those in him, Christians). In the midst of the curse passage, a massage of hope shone forth – the woman’s offspring called ‘he’ is Christ, who will one day defeat the Serpent. Satan could only bruise Christ’s heel (cause him to suffer), while Christ will bruise Satan’s head (destroy him with a fatal blow).”
I know a lot of women might feel dismayed by Eve’s actions, as if there’s nothing but shame heaped on the gender, but also there is hope and a sense of honor for the women who do what’s good in God’s eyes.
In 1 Timothy 2:15, the Scriptures teach us that just as it was through a woman who led man into sin, they also have the distinct honor of leading men to salvation through child-rearing, teaching them to live through faith and holiness, since they have a unique bond that’s closer to their children than their fathers when they’re at that early age.
I really do like using that to encourage women who might be struggling with God and the Bible, because they were conditioned by Satan’s wicked world to reject many of its teachings. Anyways…I hope this essay has been helpful. If it’s your first time hearing or reading anything about what God actually says through his words, I encourage you to click on the links of the scriptures and pray for strength and the faith to understand.
Thanks for reading!