I can’t remember the last time I literally wanted to track down the guy who disrespected me and punch him in the face. Ego, pride, and rage took over. All of them, grinning with clenched fists. All of them saying at once, “who do you think you’re talking to? Don’t you know what I can do to you?”
Yesterday, it was like that. I’ve been so careful to avoid putting myself in such situations. I smiled and presented the civility of a gentleman, but on the inside violent thoughts ran through my mind all day. Even on the treadmill, I thought of the toughest martial artists I follow on Instagram and kicking the crap out of all of them.
I knew it was wrong. I knew I shouldn’t be like that. I knew I should be more forgiving and simply put trust in God. But it really does feel good to indulge on thoughts of revenge. Ever since I was a kid, getting back at people who crossed me, brought me the sweetest pleasure. The greatest satisfaction in the world. I thought I had grown out of all that. But yesterday I was tested…and sure enough the lion is still there. It’s chained up, but it’s still there.
Then…as per usual, it’s like God sees me, like a Heavenly father watching a petulent child kicking cans because things didn’t go his way…and he sent me someone remarkable.
Last night, whilst grocery shopping at a family-friendly Walmart, an older gentleman with a soft voice greeted me with a brochure about Jehovah’s Witnesses. Right away, I smiled. Right away, I recognized what was happening. God was reaching out to me.
I really was pressed for time (it was getting late) so I had a hurried convo with him about religion as I finished shopping. And when I started loading up my car, he walked over and introduced me to his wife.
I couldn’t believe it. It was like a punch in the guts, me complaining and wallowing in my problems. His wife, his beautiful wife has been deaf her entire life. She lost her ability to see 14 years ago and He was only able to communicate to her by using his fingers to draw into her palm and bring her hand to his head and lips. It was such an endearing sight. I’ll never forget it.
Ironically…it made me even more angrier…at myself. The shame. What was I complaining about? This world is temporary. The problems of this world, ephemeral. Yeah, it’d be nice not to have problems and disputes come up in the first place, but still…compared to my brothers and sisters here and around the globe…God has been good to me.
I told the man that I’ll certainly hope and pray for the day she sees him again in the Kingdom of Heaven. Such faith…such commitment to another in marriage, this is valor. My greatest respect will always go to those who marry once and for the rest of their lives. Because this is my dream as well.
Perhaps, in the end this was just what I needed. Perhaps I needed such a reminder and that lion inside needed to be pricked. It could have been worse…the guy who disrespected me could have done it in person instead of over the phone. Even today, I feel like a different person. More determined not to let the little things get to me. As If I’m kneeling right there next to the lion, petting his mane and whispering, “…patience….calm…forgive them…”
Hahaha! Maybe none of this makes sense. I dunno.