What I’m about to reveal will probably make me sound like a sociopath. Method Actors do it all the time and it seems accepted. However, for an author, because projects we work on can take months if not years…I understand why it might be difficult to maintain a relationship with us.
It’s been over a year since I’ve created a new story. In 2019, I was 32-years-old and after committing myself to books and screenplays for a decade, decided to commit myself to other aspects of adult life…like advancing in a corporate job, becoming a homeowner, and building relationships with real people. In that, 2019 was a success. I’ve progressed and accomplished everything I set out to do.
But still…Despite everything I’ve done, I confess that nothing on earth has given me greater pleasure than escaping to another world and writing down everything I see. I can’t overstate this enough. 2019 has been the longest I’ve gone without creating anything new, and while I am happy…I don’t feel fulfilled. Yes, I’ve written critical essays here and there…but fiction is where it’s at.
Everything else just seems ephemeral. I know that one day I will die and memories of me will fade. I’m just a tenant on this earth. The condo I bought will belong to someone else. My money and possessions will be given to someone else or discarded. And if last summer has taught me anything when a co-worker took his own life…people’s perception of who you are, is pretty much whatever they want it to be, regardless if it’s true. Continue Reading
I was going to include The Trax in my last chapter about Korean music, but then I thought, nah…The Trax deserves their own chapter. As one of the best rock groups to ever come out of South Korea…where do I begin. Let’s start with 2004’s very own “Paradox”.
Haha! So…from what I’ve covered (from 2005-2009 at this point), South Korea isn’t exactly known for its hard rock and heavy metal. In the coming years of 2010&2011, I’d eventually discover bands like Buster, Yellow Monsters, and Tranxfixion, but up to this point, the only other metal group I had heard of was Novasonic, Seo Taiji, and props to Moon Hee Jun for his grungy solo albums. But if you contrast this with Japan’s plethora of metal bands and don’t even get me started when it comes to the states…yeah, safe to say, South Korea doesn’t have a lot of diversity with hard rock. I’m talking HARD ROCK.
Don’t be fooled. If you check out websites like Soompi and Allkpop, they’ll tout some bands as hard rock or punk bands, but that shit’s so soft. Like CN Blue or FT Island. Get outta here with all that. I give FT Island props for their hit “Pray” in 2015. But that’s it. Everything else is soft-rock.
But when it came to The Trax… The only reason why I hadn’t written a chapter about them sooner was because, sadly, up to this point they had only released one album. Which is honestly the biggest tragedy of all. “Paradox” was released in 2004. So, from 2004 till 2009, only one album. This shows that either S. Korea wasn’t into the Hard Rock sound, or SM Entertainment doesn’t know how to manage rock stars. Because one thing was undeniable, The Trax was overflowing with raw talent.
Oh, you didn’t know? Hell yeah, The Trax, the mother-effing Trax was founded and produced by SM Entertainment, the company known for its pretty boys likeDBSK, Shinhwa, and Super Junior. In fact, the first time, I legit heard of the Trax was in DBSK’s music video, “Triangle”. As awesome as the song was (with its amazing use of Mozart), what made the song timeless was the rock provided by none other than the Trax.
Recently I saw an old crush who had let herself go. I remember how beautiful she used to be. I was planning on hitting the gym that night…but honestly felt a bit discouraged after that. I thought to myself, “what’s the point”?
Brace yourself…I’m going to say a lot of things that’s not exactly nice to hear. But it’s a reality I think a lot of people either deny or ignore.
For the past few years, men have taken a beating thanks to assholes in Hollywood like Harvey Weinstein. I think the only men not affected wave of outrage are ones who were already married or don’t watch the news. For years, we’ve been hearing it, “Men need to get right. Men need to step up!”
In one of my last essays, I wrote about how “Godly Men Don’t Care About Money”. But we still love women. They are one of my main sources of motivation. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need a beautiful woman to want to better myself. But it’s like the train was already on the tracks, moving non-stop, and the idea of being with a beautiful woman served as coal to the flames to crank it up full-steam ahead.
Beautiful…That’s the key. Or rather it used to be before pop culture started trying to make us feel bad for putting so much value on a woman’s looks. Shallow. Superficial, we’re called. However, from what I’ve seen, women openly praise other women for their looks, even more than they compliment men unless it’s a man that every other woman has already complimented and deemed to be “hot.” It’s all about encouragement that they’re feeding each other. And that’s cool to an extent.
But if I want to be an Olympic sprinter and I spend all my time eating junk food and playing video games…are people really helping me by saying things like, “Yeah, you’re on track! You’re gonna get gold! Good for you!” without pointing out that I should probably get out and practice running?
I know Hollywood and society’s trying so hard to have us believe your beauty shouldn’t matter. That we should care more about your degree, your job, or how much money you make. However, courtship is a selection process. Your beauty is one of the main answers to the question of, “Why you?” Continue Reading
When heinous crimes are committed by men who look like me…I understand.
To begin, I have to set a baseline in the opinion that as human beings, I believe we all possess the power of empathy. It’s one of our instincts where we can sense how another person is feeling. Whether they’re happy or sad. Worried or excited. But more than just emotions, we can also sense when someone’s happy to see us. Whether they’re attracted to us. Whether they got something against us, like resentment or some unspoken animosity or envy.
Some of us are better than others. Some of us ignore this ability. And some of us go to great lengths to deny what they’re sensing to relieve themselves of some form of responsibility, (ie…claiming they didn’t know or saying they didn’t want to assume anything).
Aside from this ability, we’re also faced with the obstacle of doubt. Meaning, even when you sense something’s wrong, or someone’s feeling a type of way…the disbelief of others takes it toll. Not to mention people will lie to your face about it. There’s the practice of gas-lighting where we’re sometimes made to believe it’s all in our head, that we’re making something out of nothing, or that we’re just projecting. And sometimes they’re right.
Empathy is a skill that takes years to hone and refine. It can be sharpened based on our experience with people, our trials and errors. And not just you and your circle of friends, but also people who come from all walks of life, different backgrounds, races, gender, and culture. And even when you acquire this skill, it also takes time and experience to trust it.
When I was a kid called “sensitive” and they were right. I was extremely sensitive and not in just the “hurt my feelings” kind of way…I could sense or detect how the people around me felt. They didn’t need to say anything. I just felt it. Which brings me to the point of this topic…
Last week, I came across a tragic article where a man, recently paroled, was charged with killing an innocent college student in Chicago. Basically, this dude tried to cat-call her, she ignored him while trying to walk to her car but this asshole went and got mad for being ignored. He put her in a headlock, raped, and killed her. This poor girl’s body was found by her sisters and campus security. The parents, being good Christians, put out a message of forgiveness.
But the killer…his appearance perpetuates a stereotype. This man was big, tall, and black. I’m big, tall, and black. Thus…I understand why people are afraid of people like me. You can read the article to find out the full details. But in my dismay, I wrote the following comment:
“This is one of the reasons why I don’t blame people, especially women, when it comes to being afraid of men like me…big, black, obviously stronger than most. You try to live by example to show others that we’re not all the same and you can be cool and relax around people like me…but then stuff like this happens on a seemingly regular basis. And then we wonder why women cross the street just to avoid men like me. Or why women clutch to their boyfriends just a little bit tighter when I walk by. Or the sound of doors locking when I’m approaching. I’m sorry for the family of the victim. It sounds like she did everything she was supposed to do and still got killed anyway. Thanks to men who look like me.”Continue Reading
In July 2009, while 2NE1 was tearing up the charts in Korea with their hits “Fire” and “I Don’t Care,” their big brother group Big Bang was hustling to climb their way up the charts in Japan.
When I first saw “Gara Gara Go,” I was thrilled to say the least. Big Bang isn’t exactly known for their in-sync choreography. They usually rely on Taeyang or Seungri to hold down the dancing, at least in their music videos. So to see that they actually dance together during the chorus and breakdown, it was a welcomed surprise.
In August of 2009, they released their first full-length Japanese album, self-titled “Big Bang”. On it, they had Gara Gara Go and some other hits I jammed out with through the summer. But perhaps my favorite was “Stay”.
I must have played that song a 100x that summer. Not only was it a good song to write to, but it’s one of those songs you can take to the beach, go for a walk, and simply dream. Back then, such inspiration was needed. I was only 23 and just now embarking on my career as a screenwriter. I could take all the inspiration I could get. Continue Reading
I can’t remember the last time I literally wanted to track down the guy who disrespected me and punch him in the face. Ego, pride, and rage took over. All of them, grinning with clenched fists. All of them saying at once, “who do you think you’re talking to? Don’t you know what I can do to you?”
Yesterday, it was like that. I’ve been so careful to avoid putting myself in such situations. I smiled and presented the civility of a gentleman, but on the inside violent thoughts ran through my mind all day. Even on the treadmill, I thought of the toughest martial artists I follow on Instagram and kicking the crap out of all of them.
I knew it was wrong. I knew I shouldn’t be like that. I knew I should be more forgiving and simply put trust in God. But it really does feel good to indulge on thoughts of revenge. Ever since I was a kid, getting back at people who crossed me, brought me the sweetest pleasure. The greatest satisfaction in the world. I thought I had grown out of all that. But yesterday I was tested…and sure enough the lion is still there. It’s chained up, but it’s still there.
Then…as per usual, it’s like God sees me, like a Heavenly father watching a petulent child kicking cans because things didn’t go his way…and he sent me someone remarkable.
Last night, whilst grocery shopping at a family-friendly Walmart, an older gentleman with a soft voice greeted me with a brochure about Jehovah’s Witnesses. Right away, I smiled. Right away, I recognized what was happening. God was reaching out to me.
I really was pressed for time (it was getting late) so I had a hurried convo with him about religion as I finished shopping. And when I started loading up my car, he walked over and introduced me to his wife.
I couldn’t believe it. It was like a punch in the guts, me complaining and wallowing in my problems. His wife, his beautiful wife has been deaf her entire life. She lost her ability to see 14 years ago and He was only able to communicate to her by using his fingers to draw into her palm and bring her hand to his head and lips. It was such an endearing sight. I’ll never forget it.
Ironically…it made me even more angrier…at myself. The shame. What was I complaining about? This world is temporary. The problems of this world, ephemeral. Yeah, it’d be nice not to have problems and disputes come up in the first place, but still…compared to my brothers and sisters here and around the globe…God has been good to me.
I told the man that I’ll certainly hope and pray for the day she sees him again in the Kingdom of Heaven. Such faith…such commitment to another in marriage, this is valor. My greatest respect will always go to those who marry once and for the rest of their lives. Because this is my dream as well.
Perhaps, in the end this was just what I needed. Perhaps I needed such a reminder and that lion inside needed to be pricked. It could have been worse…the guy who disrespected me could have done it in person instead of over the phone. Even today, I feel like a different person. More determined not to let the little things get to me. As If I’m kneeling right there next to the lion, petting his mane and whispering, “…patience….calm…forgive them…”
In May of 2009, I had just graduated, just got fired, and was on the verge of starting over by moving back in with my parents. To me, that would have been failure. Brace yourself…a lot of personal revelations in this one.
In the last chapter, you saw my elation, such triumph and joy at the debut of 2NE1. But by June 1st, 2009…my life wasn’t going so great. In March, I was 22 and had just graduated from a tumultuous four years of film school and landed a job with an up-and-coming start-up company. Haha, so without going into so many details, turns out this company was run by gamblers and con-artists. I’m not lying.
In the beginning, I thought everyone was so cool and everything ran like a well-oiled machine. I was hired as a video editor and a content producer. But one thing led to another and I eventually learned that one of my bosses wasn’t who he said he was. The man claimed to be one of the founders of Myspace. He was eventually fired, and my new boss (the gambler) started writing me bad checks that would bounce.
In May of 2009, I flew to Colorado to attend my cousin’s graduation and while there, my boss called me over the phone and fired me, accusing me of theft. I’m no thief. He only fired me because I threatened to file a lawsuit against him for writing bad checks.
And so…in June of 2009 for the first time since I was 16, I was without a job. My future seemed uncertain. I barely had enough to pay one more month of rent and that was it. These were sad days, but I’m not the type to sit on my thumbs and say, “whatever happens, happens.” In the end, I had made up my mind to leave Florida, pack up what I could, and move back into my parent’s house in Georgia in July. Basically, to start all over.
This decision wasn’t easy. As a young man full of pride, moving back into my parent’s house was like admitting defeat, that I couldn’t cut it in the real world on my own. But pragmatically, it was the best decision. Moving back in with my parents would allow me to get another job, save up without paying rent, and then I could head out to Los Angeles and pursue a career as a screenwriter. This was my thinking.
With my mind made up, I spent most of June 2009…writing. Every day, I’d wake up and go to my school’s library to write. And the music that got me through these tough times was none other than a lesser known Japanese composer who goes by the name of Yoko Kanno.
If you’ve been reading up to this point, then you know that ever since 2006, I’ve been firmly in the camp of YG Entertainment thanks to Big Bang. I witnessed their debut, I saw their adversity and watched as they continued to improve and breakthrough with mainstream success following the release of “Lies” in 2007.
By 2009, it’s safe to say Big Bang was now the top dog in S. Korea’s music scene. DBSK was still around, 2pm was up-and-coming, and Super Junior had just released a monster hit in “Sorry Sorry…” But Big Bang had established themselves as champions when they destroyed the stage in 2008’s year-end showdown.
So when YG announced the debut of an up-and-coming sister group…everyone was on the edge of their seats. YG had other female artists in their retinue like Big Mama, Gummy, and Lexy…but the agency wasn’t known for their female acts. I think everyone was wondering what YG would produce. Not to mention there was already widespread speculation that this group would merely be a female version of Big Bang. But still…would that a bad thing?
On March 27, 2009, the world was introduced to four energetic and wildly charismatic females when YG released “Lollipop”. It was brilliant. It’s like YG heard the rumors of 2NE1 merely being a girl version of Big Bang and was like…“so what are you gonna do about it.”
To be honest though…I wasn’t particularly blown away by their contributions in that song. I liked it because of Big Bang’s vocals. Taeyang, Daesung, and Seungri killed it. Not to mention, we were starting to get a glimpse of the producer, Teddy Park’s signature sound that would ultimately play the biggest role in 2NE1’s success. But despite my lackluster approval…I knew it. I knew 2NE1 would be superstars, not because they were with YG, not because they were following in Big Bang’s wake…but because of their lead vocalists who’s voice could’ve crushed the competition if she appeared on “American Idol” or “The Voice.”
Park Bom was her name. And before I heard of 2NE1, I had already heard of Park Bom. Any Big Bang fan would’ve. It was her voice that sang the chorus of one of Big Bang’s early hits, “We Belong Together.”
Anna Marie and Gladys are terrorists on the run…but its not the government they fear. They betrayed a deadly society of feminists. The Swords of St. Catherine have come for payback.
Lightning from Final Fantasy XIII
I opened my eyes to a gray ceiling fan with cracks in the wood. Everything looked old, as if the house was taken straight from a post-civil war documentary. The windows were milky and stained. The dresser looked like a device for splinters. My bed was twin size with a rusty iron headboard. Even my pillow was stuffed with real feathers. I could feel the stems pricking through the pillowcase, scratching at my neck.
My bullet wounds were patched up. Someone had sewn me shut and dressed me in a faded pink nightgown. There was a table on the other side of the room with a pitcher and two tin cups. I was thirsty like you wouldn’t believe, so I got up.
Anyone wondering if I was awake wouldn’t have to wonder long. I was so weak. My bones felt brittle. As soon as I tried to stand, I crumbled to the floor with this wooden crash that probably sounded much louder than it was. The problem was, I couldn’t hear anyone else. I was on the second floor and sound carried.
Not wanting to break anything, I hugged the wall and hobbled to the table like an old woman. There was nothing in the pitcher. I expected water.
Timed perfectly with my groan was a howling wind that rustled through the last leaves of a withering tree just outside my window. And through the branches, I saw the distant figure of Anna Marie all dressed in black. She was deep in the woods and her long hair shrouded her face, but I knew it was her. I grabbed sheets from the bed, wrapped up, and left.
The Perennial War of Paramours Gladys Vandelay – For the Living By Rock Kitaro
…
In the downstairs kitchen was a family of African-Americans. A mother, a father, and three toddlers. They were all so quiet as fuck that it creeped me out. I could sense the feeling was mutual. They stared like I was a ghost wandering the halls. No one said anything, not even so much as a greeting.
Finally, I just shuffled over to their breakfast table and grabbed about four strips of bacon. “Thank you.” I whispered before scurrying off. But of course, my bed sheets got caught on the crease in the floorboard. I tripped, scraping my knees and the children laughed. I whipped around to see which ones, but only caught the tail end of the mother snapping her fingers at them.
“Who are you people?” I asked.
“The owners of the house you’re staying in.” the father told me.
“I don’t suppose you have a name?”
“Just call me the caretaker.”
I squinted at him. “Did you put me in this nightgown?”
The mother rolled her neck with spiked brows, a matrimonial warning, not worth ignoring. So I threw up my hands and whispered, “Sorry.” Continue Reading
Last month, I read an article where men were blamed for the decline of the marriage rate. Aside from the plethora of reasons raised over the past five years about how horrible we men are, this one had me taken aback…The complaint of the day is that “Men are not economically attractive.”
Godly Men Don’t Care About Money – A Theocratic Essay By Rock Kitaro Date – October 14th, 2019
And I know what you’re thinking…
“There are rich, Godly men out here. I’m Christian, and I care about money. I’m God-fearing and I care about money, so what’s good?”
Don’t worry. I’m going to get into it. We live in a society. We all need money to live comfortably. However, I encourage you to consider Proverbs 30: 8-9, and then watch this video to see what I’m talking about.
It really does make me smirk because I get it. If you’re a woman, you have every right to seek men of equal or greater economic value. Everyone has a right to their sexual preference. Go for it. Why not?
Just one question though…if you’re one of those women who were taught to put so much emphasis on your education to get that high paying job, then you battled it out for years to attain said job, and now you’re out here making that high five-figure or even a six-figure salary…what are the odds of you actually finding someone of equal or greater economic value…who also happens to be single, of good moral fortitude, and interested in someone like you? I say that with affection, I assure you. I’ve had to ask myself the same questions, given my own circumstances.
“Yeah? Well, maybe men simply need to get right. Men need to step it up.”
“Why should they?”
Honestly, if a man is loving life with his 40k salary, why should he “step it up” to make himself have equal or greater value just because someone else seems to care more about having a higher salary than him? Even when I was 27, my ex would constantly be on me to apply for other jobs in my company because they paid more. And when I’d tell her, “No, I love what I’m doing. I don’t think I’d be happy with those role.” she’d seem disappointed.
“Well, Rock. Maybe she’s thinking about a family and knows that you’ll need as much money as you can to raise them!“
That’s a valid argument. Truly, it is. I don’t blame her for making those kind suggestions when it came to my career growth. In fact, my own parents will tell you that it’s been my philosophy to work as hard as I could in my 20s to create a stable financial foundation for my future family…
But a lots changed in the past five years. My priorities have shifted. I picked up the Bible and cultivated a strong relationship with God. I learned the Truth that I feel compelled to share with you. But first things first…I got to get you thinking. If you’re not used to thinking, it’s alright. Take your time. There’s nothing to be ashamed of when you’ve been told your whole life what to think and how to think it. Baby steps. You’re reading the words of a rebel, the path I walk is narrow.
…
Have you ever stopped to consider why you’re doing anything that you’re doing? What’s the point? What are you getting in return? Why put yourself through such an ordeal? For what? I get that sometimes you have to do what you don’t want to do in order to succeed, but is it worth your peace and happiness? You only get 60-80 years and that’s it. We’re only tenants on this earth. When we die, we take nothing with us, except the deeds by which we will all be judged.
What I think it boils down to, is that women like the ones addressed in that video, are disappointed not because men are “poorer,” but because men don’t value the same things the women value. This should make sense because men and women are different, but alas…this is the reality the mainstream media is trying so hard to deny. And if they’re wrong about this…what else are they wrong about? If they’re wrong, then who’s right? Continue Reading
Stage In The Sky 