I was tricked! I was misled! They lied to me! Everybody makes mistakes! They gave me false hope! Deep within these statements is an acknowledgement that so many try to detach themselves from. If you were fooled…that means you were a fool. It means You messed up.
This is important to point out because if you don’t, you’re essentially saying there’s nothing (or very little) you could’ve done to avoid your situation in life. The purpose of this essay isn’t to belittle people, but to empower them. Not the social justice way where everything hinges on how everyone else treats you and whether or not they accept you…but to give you greater control of yourself, strengthening you to believe that whatever happens to you, is because of you.
Step one to change is awareness. This means calling out all the lies and helping you acknowledge the truth. The truth doesn’t always sound pleasant. So if it sounds like I’m “attacking you,” please believe that it’s out of love that I write these things. But when it comes to single mothers and children being born out of wedlock, this issue is something I find myself deeply passionate about.
And of course, I know have to tread with caution. I think a big reason why the harsh truths about this subject isn’t talked about so openly…is because it would mean criticizing a lot of people we may know, love, and care about, especially in the black community. A lot of us were raised by strong single mothers. Our sisters and cousins are single mothers. We’d sooner hurt ourselves than intentionally cause them pain, such as talking about this touchy subject. But if we don’t talk about it because we’re so afraid of hurting people’s feelings…how will things ever change? Do we have any right to complain when none of us lifts a finger or says a word to point out what we need to be doing? So here I go…
When it comes to “Blaming the Victim…” society has done its damnest to shake us out of the habit of “blaming the victim”. The thing is, being the victim isn’t always about being a person who suffers at the hands of a criminal.
People aren’t breaking the law when they give stupid advice on how to live your life. Celebrities and entertainers aren’t legally criminals for putting out work that glorifies wicked behavior. Van Jones isn’t breaking the law by intentionally fathering a child with his “friend” and experimenting with this thing he calls “conscience co-parenting“. And speaking of parents, parents aren’t breaking the law when they promulgate and pass their hate and animosity down to their children. I’m not just talking about racism, but also the stereotypes of how “real” men and women should be.
BLAMING PARENTS –
When it comes to being misled, tricked, and misguided, blaming parents for our upbringing is perhaps the only legit excuse we have, because as children we depend on our parents for guidance and direction. How our parents raise us plays a huge part in how we see the world, whether we’re conservative or liberal, religious or secular.
That being said…if parents aren’t taking an active role in providing that direction, it makes sense that children would seek that guidance elsewhere, like the neighborhood gang, the school clique, or the lyrics from their headphones, or the flashy celebrities looking so cool on TV.
However, when you become an Adult…blaming parents for your circumstances, it’s a touchy one. I can’t sit here and tell you at what age I think you should get over the past because everyone heals differently, some faster than others. The level of trauma varies. What we call “trauma” varies. The daughter of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown comes to mind.
Kevin Samuels devoted over two hours to having a conversation with Black Women about how their mothers raised them. And if you listen to these ladies, it’s heartbreaking. A lot of them are still in their 30s and 40s and they still blame their parents for their lot in life, how they view men, and why they had the wrong priorities in their 20s.
When I was still in college, I had some of the most difficult and emotionally painful conversations with my parents. They divorced when I was six, and for years, both parents used me as a pawn in their game to get at each other. Growing up in a divided household where one side of the family was super religious, and the other was of a Southern Black culture that I didn’t fit in with…I was very confused, frustrated, disillusioned and harboring a well of resentment.
And I know. There’s big talk about how Society wants Men to be more open and honest about their feelings for the sake of mental health, but what happens when we do? I already covered in this essay how it feels like people just don’t give a shit. Or rather, we don’t get the same support, love, and understanding that the ladies get when we’re open about it. Jack of Sigma Frame even outlined it in his deep essay “The Young Man’s Problem” about how young men are silenced when it comes to certain issues of intimacy.
My point in mentioning this, is that compared to Women…Men are told to “sack up” and get over our issues. That’s not to say “men have it better or worse” but I do think Mainstream Culture has/is failed Women in this regards. If Men are constantly told to “do better,” but Women are told “you’re fine the way you are and everyone should accept you as you are”…who is likely to improve, grow, and get better?
Jordan Peterson talks about it and explains that telling young people “you’re perfect the way you are and everyone else needs to change” is part of the reason why maturity and growth has become so slowed and delayed for my generation. It’s part of the reason why so many young people are frustrated and depressed.
Before graduating college in my early 20s, I came to terms with the fact that I couldn’t keep blaming my parents for my outlook, my feelings, my hate. If I wanted to get better, that’s on me. From this point on, whatever happens to me in my life is my fault. If someone betrays me, I shouldn’t have trusted them. My fault. If a girlfriend cheats on me, I picked the wrong girl. My fault. If I didn’t get promoted, it’s because I didn’t make the right moves to make it happen. My fault.
I don’t blame racism, discrimination, sexism, or institutions. That’s not to say racism or discrimination doesn’t exist. But more so to say, regardless of the racism, I won’t let it stop me from accomplishing what I set out to do. If anything, overcoming tough adversity makes me stronger than those who had no obstacles. It’s just a matter of perspective and how you choose to view your world.
Getting Pregnant Outside of Wedlock –
More and more people are finally talking about the truth of today’s modern black relationships. Not just the abysmal rate of Black children being born out of wedlock (well over 70%) but now…single men are being criticized for not wanting to date single mothers. Some men don’t have a problem with it, but a lot of us…myself included…we prefer to get married to a woman with no children and start our own family from scratch.
When I was in my late 20s, I ran into a lot of women who struggled to comprehend why a man wouldn’t want to take care of another man’s child. It was weird, this lack of understanding. I’m not a woman, but I understand a mother’s natural inclination to protect and provide for her child. How do ladies not understand a man’s natural inclination to want to sire a child from his own genes? They said things like:
“If you want kids, she has a kid. You can be a father to that child.”
“What’s the big deal if the child is yours or not. If you love her and love the child, that’s all that matters.”
“Why is that every time I say I don’t want any children, guys suddenly ghost me.”
And of course, I’ll never forget a conversation with one of my aunts (I have a lot of aunts). Where I was venting my own frustration about the many beautiful women who are available…but they’re single mothers. She encouraged me to be more open to dating them and said something I’d never forget.
“Rock, you have to forgive single mothers.”
And I remember that struck me. Did I hate single mothers? Was I angry with them? I thought about that for weeks. I humbled myself and considered the possibility that my aunt may be right. Truth is, I do have many cousins who are single mothers. I have step-siblings who are single mothers. My own mother used to be a “single mother” with three boys before my step-father married her. Did I hate them? Was I angry with them?
After much reflection, this was what I concluded. Brace yourself, this might not be easy to hear.
When it comes to being a single mothers, whether it was unplanned or a divorce (except for widowhood) it really indicates either one or more of the following: poor decision-making skills (you picked the wrong guy), a lack of wisdom (you prioritized the wrong values), irresponsible behavior, lack of discipline, lack of commitment, or one who made an honest, innocent mistake…which again, implies that you dropped the ball on this one. Don’t worry, I’m going to tackle the men’s fault too, but stay with me on this one. Don’t deflect. Don’t resort to “what about them.” If it sounds like I’m attacking you, if it sounds like I’m describing you…I encourage you to simply take accountability. What happened to you, isn’t just everyone else’s fault. As an adult…with the exception of societies that have arranged marriages…what happened to you is because of you.
I know all of this sounds tough to hear. It sounds like I’m calling single mothers “bad people,” but I’m not. We all fall short. We all make mistakes. This accountability will make you stronger and better still, it’ll give you the proper wisdom to teach others not to make the same mistakes you did.
Then there are those who actively decided to be a Single Mother by Choice. I’ll never forget in 2020, when a single 40-year-old S. Korean TV Personality bragged about going to Japan to get inseminated so she could be a Single Mother “by choice.” Thousands of young women applauded her with some saying, “men are just mad because they’re no longer needed.”
For the responsible men…even though society may have changed, we were raised with the idea that it’s our duty as men to work hard and provide for our families. This means, when we got out of college with $50k worth of debt, we knew we’d need to work hard to dig ourselves out of that hole, and one of the main motivators to do this…was so that we could afford our own families. For those of us who have succeeded, this didn’t happen by accident. It took sacrifice, hard work, delayed gratification, all while being overlooked by attractive women who chose the Chads and Tyrones over us, calling us lame, saying that we’re no fun.
One of my biggest crushes in my 20s kept using that word. “Fun.” She kept saying that life should be all about fun and experiencing the most you can. Even now, in my 30s, if you look at dating profiles, it’s what a lot of women boast about and say they want.
We get it. Everyone likes fun. But to have “fun,” a lot of us men were raised with the mentality that nothing’s gonna be handed to you. You have to work for everything you have. Good men embrace the burden of performance. There’s wisdom and fulfillment in it. And to me, it’s gotten to the point that working actually is “fun”. I like being productive. I like looking at what I’ve done at the end of each day and saying, “I accomplished a lot today.”
One of the many reasons why I don’t engage in the hook-up culture is because I have the welfare of my future children in mind. Being the product of divorce myself, it’s out of love that I’m going to do my best not to subject my children to that. It’s out of love for my children that I want to give them a united mother and father being there in the home to raise them together. Nor do I want to be a parent who’s so busy with work, struggling to keep a head over their roofs, that I’m hardly ever present, leaving them to be raised by the streets and whoever else. (which also makes sense why a lot of Millennial Men have never been married in their 30s, because they spend their 20s getting out of debt. And there’s the unsavory adage that today’s women don’t want to build with you, they want to be there waiting for you at the finish line. Don’t know how true that is, but it’s what people are saying.)
Now, think about the many stories of “overcoming adversity,” the many celebrity stories the media likes to promote about an individual who seemingly came from nothing, who had rough upbringings with barely any food in the house, or was raised by a “strong single mother” and struggled to get by, like Kevin Durant’s mother. We applaud them as “success stories”…while overlooking how messed up it is that these individuals had to go through such adversity in the first place. As in…it didn’t need to be that way.
“But Rock! Kevin Durant’s father walked out on them. You can’t blame the mother for that!”
You may be right. I’m not going to stand here and smear Kevin Durant’s mother. I don’t know her. I don’t know the whole truth. But here’s what’s interesting. Don’t you find it odd that we like to give single parents credit whenever their child of a fatherless home grows up to do well, but when the child of a fatherless home grows up to do badly, like being a criminal…suddenly we’re awfully quiet about attributing their outcome on being raised by a single parent.
The mother of NBA Youngboy is a classic example of this. The rapper NBA Youngboy’s father is serving a lengthy prison sentence. Youngboy himself has gone to prison. His two younger brothers were both arrested for the murder of a fellow teen. And Youngboy himself has seven children and he’s still twenty-two. The mother’s quick to absolve herself of responsibility and say she isn’t the blame.
So when my Aunt told me to “forgive single mothers”… I don’t think there’s anything to forgive. I don’t hate single mothers. It’s just disappointing? Why is it disappointing? Allow me to present this analogy that both genders can relate to:
You worked hard and saved up to buy a new car, your first car. Your dream car. It took years. You sacrificed other things, like trips abroad, going out to the clubs, wasting money on restaurants just to save up for the day that you’re able to afford this car that you’ve kept in your mind all those long, difficult, overtime hours.
Then, when you visit the dealerships…you find that all your dream cars have already been driven with hundreds of thousands of miles on it. None of them are in that “new car” condition. And you learn that most of them were driven by bums who barely had to pay a dime. They were reckless with it. You can still see the stains, wear and tear that they left behind on it. You’re called picky and selective for not wanting to pay the “brand new” price for these used options. So you call around and go online. You learn that there are brand-new cars out there, but they’re hard to find. They’re not guaranteed to be there when you do get there and the dealership’s made it difficult to apply for one. In fact, simply drawing near to look at the sticker price can get you accused of trying to steal it (sexual harassment allegation).
If you think I’m exaggerating, I’m not. I already broke it down in this essay. I’m not saying this is the situation is the same for all, or even most men. But for men like me…it is. And if the argument is that I should be more like most men…well…we know what’s going to happen to the many who enter by the broad gate, don’t we.
It’s not hate, it’s disappointment. The notion that I, a man who avoided mistakes, listened to my elders, busted my ass to get this far with little to no appreciation or recognition from “the community,” must now have to throw away the goals I worked for (which is a family of my own) for the sake of the community.
Honestly, it’s about as silly as the black people making fun of other black people for not being “black enough.” So when those Carltons grow up, leave the hood and date outside their race, basically going where they are appreciated and accepted, those other black people who used to look down on Carlton have the nerve to call him a “Sell Out” or a “Self-Hating Black.”
Victims of the Lie –
“Well, Rock. Maybe you should direct your disappointment to those Men who didn’t marry those women who they were having sex with?”
You make a good point. Let’s talk about it. One of the biggest problem with the Sexual Revolution of the 60s and subsequent Hook-Up Culture, is that men and women are “staying on the market.” Meaning, once upon a time, an attractive man or woman would commit themselves to a person in marriage and thus take themselves off the market. Thus, all the others who wanted that man or woman, they’d now have to go for someone else, someone who was single, available. Did people cheat? Yes. But it was frowned upon. With the exception of places like Hollywood, there was shame from the community, your friends, and family. It could ruin your career and any lofty ambitions you may have had.
But in today’s age, where people are having all kinds of sex outside of wedlock with no commitment or standard to be exclusive to a single individual, that person stays on the market. So the good woman who would’ve had to go for someone else who’s single (available), she now has sexual access to the hot guy who would’ve otherwise been unavailable due to marriage. It’s sexual immorality and basically turned our society into one of understated polygamy (polyamory) where more and more ladies, really don’t mind sharing one guy with multiple women. Often prompting her to think, “I was able to hook up with this hot, good-looking guy…so anyone less than him in terms of attractiveness must mean I’m settling.”
I know a lot of guys wouldn’t blame the men in that scenario. But I do. Men are supposed to be the leaders. Even in these videos of Bo and Sophie, Bo’s always calling out the “Simps” for rewarding females for their narcissistic behavior on social media. Well, I’m calling out all the players and hot guys who sleep around with multiple women like it’s nothing, because you’re simply taking advantage of stupidity. It shows a lack of morality, discipline, and it’s selfish. They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game” but that’s nonsense. Just a hip way to shed accountability. Would there be a game if there were no players? And here’s the lie the ladies believe, either from the guy or their own misguided logic. “Because you have sex with him, he’ll commit to you.” Or, “Just because you have his child, he’ll commit to you.”
In this video, a woman literally lists out all the things a man can already get from a woman without getting married to her…and yet is baffled as to why he wouldn’t want to get married.
“A responsible man will want to be there for his family.” I wont go so far as to say this statement is a lie. But, and this should be obvious, if a man gets you pregnant and you’re not married to him, or even in a committed exclusive relationship with him…that should be a huge indicator as to how “responsible” this man truly is. Even if he “wants” to be responsible, his selfish desires may outweigh that desire to be responsible to you or his child. (like if he dreams of being a rapper, professional athlete, or other time-demanding jobs)
And when it comes to lies, let’s be honest. Between men and women, which of us is mostly targeted by mainstream culture to subvert tradition and change what’s worked for generations? Between men and women, which gender is more susceptible to the herd mentality of following popular opinions? Between men and women, which of us is more likely to look at a pregnant Rihanna and be like, “Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with being pregnant outside of wedlock. If she can do it, I can do it too.”
“But Rock! Look at Nick Cannon, Future, and NBA Youngboy!” (men with multiple baby mommas)
Those aren’t cultural leaders and role models. While I would love to say most men aren’t looking at those guys and thinking, “yeah, I want to be like them. I can do what they do.” Truth is, a lot of younger males between the 14-22 age ranges do. And it makes sense why they’d behave like that if you reward them with clout, praise, sex and affection.
“Are you blaming women for men acting like hood dudes?”
I’m blaming the women who hook up with men who act like hood dudes if they’re not from the hood. Just like I blame men who pay OnlyFans girls for their salacious content and older gents who become Sugar Daddies to college girls, essentially making them prostitutes. If bad behavior is rewarded and we enable it, is there any wonder why others are encouraged to engage in said behavior?
Take Tupac for example…one of the greatest rappers ever, a talented lyricist with songs referring to woman as “b**tches”. Tupac exemplified the “thug life” and glamorized it. Millions of young men were raised on his songs. But did Tupac start out this way? Check out what he says about being a “nice respectful gentleman” back when he was 19, before his career took off.
So…Tupac went from that…to calling woman hoes and b**tches. Not condoning his behavior. I think a good man would hear what he’s saying, see that there’s some truth in it, but still do the right thing even if it seems like he’s not appreciated, respected, or rewarded for doing the right thing.
“But why, Rock? What will that get me!?”
Keep that question in mind. Because it’s really telling and I’m going to address it later.
When it comes to dating Single Mothers…the thing is, I have actually dated a single mother before. When I was 27, I dated a beautiful single mother who I truly loved. But we broke up mainly due to conflicts surrounding her daughter. And my mom was dismayed by the news, which makes sense since she used to be a single mother before my step-father (who also had a child) married her. She said, “Aw, Rock! You would’ve been a good father to her daughter. I know she would’ve definitely appreciated having a man like you in her life.”
There is an injustice inflicted on the child who has to grow up not enjoying the full benefits of a united mother and father in the home, raising them as two sides of a coin, the emotional pillar of strength and the pragmatic pillar of strength. And lets be honest. By a raise of hands, which of you would rather be raised by a single parent or both parents? If you WERE raised by a single parent, are you glad? Or would you have preferred to have both parents in the home too?
“Well not my dad because my dad was abusive/drunk.”
Alright…let me rephrase. By a raise of hands, which of you would prefer to be raised in a “stable” household with a mom and dad who weren’t abusive but united in shared values and their love for you? Honestly, for me to even have to rephrase the question, you know what I’m talking about. For the love of God, quit trying to defend irresponsible behavior.
“But Rock! It takes two to Tango! If it wasn’t for the men staying with those women, they wouldn’t be single! I feel like you’re putting too much of the blame on women.”
First off, I’m not trying to “blame” as much as I am trying to empower. It’s my opinion that true empowerment comes in the form of taking responsibility. When it comes to procreation, getting pregnant and childbirth…the fact is, Women actually do carry most of the burden. The truth is, it’s not equal. A man’s participation in conceiving a child takes minutes. A woman’s role takes approximately nine months. That’s why, historically speaking, men are generally considered more expendable than women. If a town had one man and ten women, the chances of this group reproducing to grow their society is exponentially higher than a town with ten men and one woman. Hence, “Women and Children only” in the lifeboats. I’ll let homeboy from “A Different Perspective” explain.
Aside from the act of reproduction, Women are generally given custody rights over their children over the men. So, while I do agree that it takes “Two to Tango,” the burden and responsibility are not equal, not in the eyes of the law, and arguably, not in the eyes of society.
However, let’s take your complaint more seriously for a moment. Because I do agree deadbeat dads deserve shame for their irresponsible behavior. But even there…if a man is a deadbeat, who let this man procreate? Who had sex with this man and chose to carry their child to term? Think back to my “blaming” those who hook-up with hood dudes. If they’re in the hood, or living with their parents, or robbing and stealing to make ends me…and you’re having sex with this man and eventually get pregnant…what does that say about you?
“Rock! Everyone makes mistakes. Men are liars. They’re very convincing in the beginning and it isn’t until later that they drop the act and show their true colors. You can’t blame the woman for that.”
Alright, so let’s go ahead and dismantle this “everyone makes mistakes” shield that everyone’s so quick to put up. It’s true. Everyone does make mistakes. Even my mistake in my youth was allowing myself to get fat and undesirable while I was in a place where I had the best chance to find a mate (college). That was one of my many mistakes.
And if you’re Christian then you know that God forgives IF you repent(repent means to turn away from your old behavior). But just because God forgives, it doesn’t mean we aren’t left to deal with the consequences of our mistakes. Consider God’s servant, King David. David made plenty of mistakes, from adultery to Bathsheba to the census of his nation. And while God did forgive him…guess what. David still had to pay for his mistakes.
Being promiscuous and having all kinds of sex outside of wedlock, which may lead to an unplanned pregnancy…this is a heavy, emotional issue. Especially if you want to do what’s good in God’s eyes but you simply messed up. If you truly repented and stopped having sex outside of wedlock, but you have a child or an STD or all kinds of emotional damage from the plethora of bad boys you dated…one of those consequences is the reduced number of Good Men who’ll be willing to take you on. It doesn’t mean you can’t live a meaningful, purpose-filled life. But it may not be the life you once dreamed about, hence the word “squandered” is often associated here. I’d simply encourage you to pray for forgiveness and ask God for his direction.
Now, let’s tackle the cliche, “I was tricked. I was misled. They lied to me.” The 70% child rate didn’t happen overnight. If your complaint is true, that people are tricked and men are liars, implying that they behaved a certain way up till a point…why aren’t we empowering more women to see through the lies? Check out the below graph.
Since the mid-80s, Black people have been over that 60% range. You’re trying to tell me that for over 30 years no one’s said anything about these lyin’ ass dudes who are conning their way into sex with women and getting them pregnant? Or could it be…that in Black Culture, in hip hop and urban culture, there’s a great deal of encouragement about having “game” and “swag” and “knowing how to talk to a woman”.
Honestly, we had “Shaft,” a dude who was sleeping with other men’s wives like it was nothing and for years in black culture, people have idolized this character.
“But Rock. You like James Bond. He does the same thing.”
Look at the numbers! When it comes to popularity and black culture, from the Blaxploitation films of Super Fly to Rick James, Prince, continuing well into the 90s with gangster rap, NWA, Snoop Dog. Ever since I was a kid, I was given the implicit message that if I didn’t like “hip hop,” or if I liked groups like the Backstreet Boys and didn’t speak slang or dressed like the other black kids, then I apparently I wished I was white. It was the dumbest thing, black People getting mad at stereotypes, while looking down on you if you were black but didn’t fit into those stereotype. (Oh, he think he better than us, was a common accusation)
Even in watching this documentary about Motown, Berry Gordy and the Temptations talked about how the music changed in the late 60s. Once upon a time, the songs were about peace, wholesome love, and togetherness. But by the late 60s, the Temptations had a song called “Cloud 9” which sounded like it was about drugs, by Gordy’s own account. Motown started producing more salacious music to keep up with the times. Gordy kept saying that the world was changing and becoming a strange place and you had to give the people what they want, you either innovate or stagnate.
And dude, if 70% of white children were born out of wedlock, and the prisons were fill with a majority white population, you don’t think the government would crack down on our entertainment industry? Even in S. Korea there are regulations about the type of songs you can play on the radio stations. Songs they believe will have a detrimental effect on the youth are banned, or you can only play it after a certain time (like midnight). And no, this isn’t me blaming the government. They’re mainly leaving us to our own devices and we’re doing this to ourselves.
There’s so much music that’s chalk full of lyrics belittling women and degrading them. I was in 6th grade, on a school bus while the radio played songs like “Back that Azz Up” and “Whistle Why You Twurk”. Even songs like “So Anxious” by Genuwine was all about sex. Or “Too Close” by Next, which was blasting from the radio when I was twelve…it’s all about sex.
And currently, there’s a trend. This video is just a small compilation, one of hundreds where ladies express their love for the bad boys and guys who treat them like garbage. Do I think these ladies represent most women? Absolutely not. But consider who they’re influencing. When young ladies see other women talk about gushing over the drug dealers, hood dudes, and guys who treat them like trash, unless they were raised properly, the behavior is likely to be normalized. Like a 17-year-old who boasts about losing her virginity to three guys in the same night and calling it a “boss move.”
Who will tell me that all this isn’t the blatant encouragement of behaving a certain way, just to get with a woman. And instead of some Women calling the men out on these games they roll with it, encourage it, reward it, and groove with the illusion, intoxicated by how they feel in the moment. I’m not saying that “game” is all lies. But if you’re behaving a certain way just to get what you want when it’s not who you truly are…it is an act, a performance.
Now let’s be even more honest. Easily, we can say that people often want what’s bad for them, both men and women. So then, would it be controversial to say that when it comes to dating and courtship, here too…people often want what’s bad for them? This would explain the “girls fall for the bad boy” trope. It also lends truth to the popular adage, “nice guys finish last.” Because “nice guys” who are responsible, kind, and respectful are the last guys ladies pick. But the “first” guys they pick are the toxic guys, the manipulators, the guys who aren’t ish. These are the ones they bless their prime years, their youth and beauty on. I’m not saying all…won’t even say most…but it’s getting worse.
“What about men? Men go for the easy promiscuous types too!”
Yeah, for sex. Not for marriage. That’s what we’re talking about here. Single-motherhood. Women don’t get pregnant without the seed. Forgive my brashness, but they don’t get the seed without opening their legs for a man. Unless you’re trying to make the argument that most of the 70% of black children being born out of wedlock are the children of rapists. And if that’s the case, why aren’t we talking about it? Why aren’t we empowering women to defend themselves. Why are all these rapists still out and about and not in prison? …if that’s the case.
No, Men who are looking for wives don’t go for the promiscuous types. When we see the “slutty promiscuous types,” more and more men are chanting, “she’s for the streets.” I’m not saying men don’t want sex…what I’m saying is Society has lied to you if you believe that’s “all” we want. Or that sex is more important to us than peace, stability, or our Christian faith.
I had to mention Christian faith here, because when it comes to what’s good or bad…it’s a bit subjective isn’t it. Last year, I asked my Atheist radio co-host if she had any “standards” when it came to dating. And when she answered, she mentioned qualities, like “honesty, loyal, outgoing, and hard working.” By Standard, I was talking about a code, a system of beliefs by which you live by and hold yourself accountable. Because without them…let’s just say that she didn’t see anything wrong with the radio station going out to get one of their younger fans to lose his virginity to an escort. This actually happened. And she was definitely bragging about it on air.
According to my Christian faith, Men are supposed to be leaders. Even when faced with “promiscuous temptation,” the upright man would resist in favor of doing what’s right. This is called integrity. And this, of course, makes us boring in a wicked society. So when Berry Gordy was faced with producing wholesome music or changing with the times to keep his business afloat…he did what a lot of corporations do today…gave into the money.
Earlier, the question was asked…“What will I get by doing the right thing?” Ladies and gents, if you call yourself a Christian then let your actions be a demonstration of your faith. Every time I do the “right thing” even if it costs me the favor of humans or some earthly opportunity…like refraining from engaging in casual sex, I know God sees my sacrifice and will remember me. Knowing that I have pleased my Heavenly Father is something I find ten times more rewarding than pleasing humans.
Jesus talked about this at Matt Chapter 6. A lot of people are getting their “rewards” here and now in this world with the mindset of “doing the right thing isn’t getting me what I want. But if I do bad, I can get this here and now.” They may not say it in those words. But essentially, this is what all criminals do. King Solomon even mentions this at Eccl 8:11, “because sentence against a bad deed is not executed speedily, the hearts of men become emboldened to do what is bad“.
However, those who choose to do what’s good in God’s eyes are storing their treasures up in heaven, where a hurricane can’t wipe it out in a flood, where a thief can’t come in and steal it, where an accident can’t derail your ability to attain it. Our faith gives us the strength to endure. Our faith reminds us that we will ultimately be blessed and rewarded in the end.
And believe it or not…as a single man with no children who’s refrained from engaging in the hook-up culture…while I do have to endure the misery of loneliness maybe once every other major holiday, I am blessed with a peaceful, happy life. I don’t have to pay child support. In the 17 years since graduating high school, I think I’ve only raised my voice to yell in anger twice. No fights. No prison record. No addictions. No baby’s mommas. No drama. No complications. I own a beautiful home, an awesome credit score. I get sick maybe once every other year. And at the age of 35, I’m happy that I can still run, work out and box with no signs of slowing down. There’s wisdom in living a Godly life to the best of your abilities. It may not be the blessings Instagram and Hollywood’s advertise…but it’s still good life.
Recently, I read this essay where the writer was very strong in his opinion that “Christian Men are Unattractive” even in the church setting, UNLESS they are just Christian in name only, while sinning and having all kinds of sex outside of wedlock. I asked, “Are Christian men really unattractive? Or is it that Christian men who truly live by Christ’s standards simply put wicked people to shame?”
Meaning, because these Christians refrain from engaging wicked behavior, it makes the people who do…feel bad about themselves. Because you’re putting them to shame.
That’s why you hear people talk about Christians(both men and women) and say things like, “He/She’s too self-righteous. Oh, he/she was too pure for me. Nah, I don’t like her, I ain’t gonna waste my time with her because she ain’t putting out. Ew, he’s a virgin? He don’t know how to lay it down so he ain’t no fun anyway.”
My point being, is that I don’t believe for one second that you’ve never heard someone tell you the truth. That there wasn’t some older woman warning you about Tyrone and how you’re going to get hurt if you think having sex with him will mean he’ll commit to you. Or that there’s a rumor going around that he’ll probably play you and all he cares about is sex. “Family Matters” did a whole episode on it where Laura fell for the school play-boy despite everyone warning him that all he cared about was sex. So, for all you who were tricked and, if you’re honest with yourselves, attended the magic show for the main purpose of being tricked…I’m saying that you guys/gals might have gotten what you paid for.
Take Nick Cannon for example. This dude’s been famous since the 90s. Everyone knows that he’s Mariah Carey’s ex-husband and in 2021, alone, he fathered 3 children (one, rest in peace). And this year (2022), he’s already expecting his 8th child by another woman who’s not his wife. You’re trying to tell me that no one warned the woman that Nick Cannon will likely make you a single mother?
The same goes with men like PJ Washington of the Charlotte Hornets. His ex-wife Brittany Renner was notoriously famous through social media for having sex with hundreds of dudes, being flown out by professional athletes (like Colin Kaepernick) just for sex. She even bragged about being a future Gold Digger, but Washington still married her, got divorced, and now has to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars in child support for the next 18 years.
At what point do you start to blame yourself. At what point are you truly empowered to take control of your own actions? It’s true that a lot of people have indeed been lied to and are tricked. I’m not denying that. I just think that some of the major lies ladies fall for don’t come from exclusively from men. It comes from mainstream culture. It comes from various movements. It comes from other ladies as well.
In this Melanie King video, she reviews a woman’s message about how she regrets focusing on her career over finding a husband. She, like a lot of ladies in my generation, were influenced and pressured to focus on their educations and careers and then get a man later…but is that sound advice?
To be fair…I understand why a lot of mothers, particularly Black Mothers, imparted on their daughters this need to put a career first, to have a safety net in place to fall back on. But again, I think it’s a perpetuation of bad mistakes instead of a mother learning from her mistakes and teaching their daughters not to repeat it. As in, “Hey, daughter! Don’t fall for the same guy I fell for. Look for a man who exhibits values, morality, and responsible behavior.”
Instead, many mothers emphasize their daughters’ prioritizing careers as a safety net in case their marriage falls apart and they end up getting divorced. Which makes sense from their lens. If you’re a woman who mostly “depended” on your husband for your income and lifestyle and that man cheats on you and divorces you…a lot of women could be left with a bleak outcome, a hard life. I get it.
But here’s where they’ve been lied to… the lie is to believe that men care about your career and education as much as you do. The lie is to believe you can spend your youth climbing the corporate ladder, and that when you become a “boss bae,” you’ll attract another man on your level. It’s a lie because men and women are not attracted to the same things. A woman may be attracted to a man’s money, status, and resources…but since the dawn of antiquity, men have always been MORE attracted to a woman’s beauty, youth, and fertility.
I’m not saying a woman can’t pursue her career and education and still get a husband. That’d be silly. It happens all the time. But Men and Women are not the same, because of fertility. Men have more time. Women do not. A man can procreate well past his fifties. But for women…their ability to procreate starts to decline in their thirties. So, you run the risk of sacrificing your fertile, childbearing years when you prioritize your career and don’t give the same attention to finding a husband until it’s too late. And dude…I mean, the amount of ladies posting videos, crying about wanting a husband, it’s rough. Sometimes I wish I was blind just to accept one of them.
To further hammer this point home, consider this civil discussion insert below. Sophie, brings up what she perceives to be an unfair reality about how Women are considered as having “no value” once they reach a certain age. Bo, explains that when it comes to bearing children, fact of life, there is some truth there. If I want to have my own children and raise a family, and you’re a woman who’s past your child-bearing age where fertility is increasingly difficult…I’m not saying you have “no value.” We can still be friends and uplifting in each other’s lives. But when it comes to my goal of having a family, your value in helping me accomplish this, your diminished ability to reproduce has less value than a younger woman who’s more fertile. For centuries women have known this.
In the above video, if you listen to Sophie, she makes a point about how women are perceived to be “wrecked” when you have children. She say this after Bo mentions, this is why you got married before you carried. This is why guidance from God and the Bible is so important. As much as people like to get mad, and see it as a big “rule book”…God knows us. EVEN IF society thinks your body is “wrecked” after having children…guess what…if you’re married and in a committed relationship, it doesn’t matter. You have your husband. And if you picked the right man, he’s not going to leave you because your body isn’t the same after having his children. However, if you get pregnant outside of wedlock, that’s on you.
BIBLICAL WISDOM –
People like to criticize the Bible as archaic and unnecessary…but I think its teachings provide a trove of wisdom that could’ve helped an entire generation avoid believing the lies. (Mainly 1 Corinthians Chapter 7 in this regards)
The Apostle Paul tells us that sex should be within the confines of marriage. God knows all about our desire for sex and even mentions in that very same chapter that husbands and wives shouldn’t be depriving each other of sex. That’s what marriage is for. Not just childbearing and raising families but to contain our sexual urges.
Everyone makes mistakes, but all mistakes aren’t the same. Stealing is stealing, but there’s a big difference between stealing a pack of gum and stealing a car. One’s more valuable than the other.
In the same way, all sin is sin. But some sins are heavier than others, such as Adultery and Sexual Immorality (1 Cor 6:9-11). To think that it’s not is foolish. And if you engage in such behavior, what will you do when you have to reap what you sow, and the younger generations come to you for advice? Will you blame racism? Will you say you were misled and tricked? Will you say you were pressured by society? Or will you take ownership and warn the youth to avoid making those same mistakes?
I’ll leave you with this scripture. Because as humans, we’re forgetful and it’s easy to think so many common quotes of wisdom and inspiration come from “deep thinkers.” But…i give all credit and glory to God for giving us the Bible. When I see what’s going on in the world, so many stupid problems plaguing my generation comes from turning our backs on what the Bible teaches.
Titus 2:3-5 encourages: “3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, 4 and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”
This marks the end of the essay. This post about how “I was asked if I dated Intelligent Women”…was originally part of this essay, but I felt it was good enough to be its own thing. So check that out because it was originally the end of this one. Thanks! Hope this was helpful and not too brash.