In this essay, I’m going to talk about why it may not be a good idea for a Man to be so open and honest about his feelings…especially when it comes to Men’s Issues.
When it Comes to the Stereotype About How Men Aren’t Supposed to Cry, how we’re not suppose to expose our feelings and keep everything bottled up…the mindset was, as men, we have to suck it up and power through. You have to work for everything you get. There are no handouts. No one cares about your tears and your feelings. Now get back out there!
I know it sounds nice and empowering for people to encourage men to fight against that stigma…to embrace their feelings, to allow themselves to be emotional and let out their pain and sorrows…
But is that really working for men in general? Meaning, I know all that sounds nice in the spirit of equality and breaking down gender tropes. But when it comes to reality…how are Men really perceived and treated when they open up about how they honestly feel? How are they treated when they show themselves to be emotional? How do people respond when Men honestly open up about their life problems?
Are people sympathetic? When men receive feedback and constructive criticism, is it with the same care and general softness given to a woman? Or do people just don’t give a shit?
Now…maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m an unpopular person who has somehow managed to repulse friends and family on social media with my posts, prompting them to “unfollow” me while choosing to remain “friends” for some reason. Maybe I just have the rotten luck of making a string of posts in which, people just don’t care about the subject matter. And that’s not a snipe at them. I can’t (shouldn’t) expect people to care about things as much as I do. Everyone has their own thing going on. And some men are blessed with lifelong friends who they grew up with and can always depend on. Those people are likely to disagree with everything in this essay. I understand.
But comparatively speaking, I have seen a big difference in the way men are treated when they open up about men’s issues, as opposed to when a woman opens up about “women’s issues”.
All of this isn’t to complain. It really isn’t. My point in writing essays period, is to combat the lies.
I get it. It’d be so nice if we lived in a world where people didn’t say offensive things, and everyone treated everybody with love and kindness. It’d be awesome if people could be themselves, be who they choose to be, and still be appreciated, loved, and accepted despite their flaws and shortcomings.
But that’s not the world we live in. All these movements, Body-Positivity, Self-Love, Fat Acceptance…I get it. I know why they exist. I know they’re trying to change the world, that they’re trying to change our perceptions. But no matter what, people are going to act, think, and say what they want.
For a lot of Men, the reality is people don’t give a shit. If it’s not about them, if it’s something they can’t relate to, if it’s something that they’re afraid the village will disapprove of, they either don’t care, don’t believe you, or think you’re making a big deal out of nothing.
Thus, it makes sense for a lot of us to live by the mantra of, keep your feelings locked and tucked away. Because the moment you do become vulnerable and open up, you find out the hard way how truly insignificant you really are. And sometimes, that actually helps. It helps to get those reminders because it toughens us up.
Recently, I published an essay about why I don’t like going to parties. In my Facebook post, I wrote up a post with a link to the essay, in which I explain how I used to be fat and had an embarrassing panic attack in front of my peers. It all contributed to why I’m not fond of going to parties. Hardly anyone reacted to it. And the only comment I got was from an older female cousin who wrote:
That essay and the reaction I got from it…I don’t regret it at all. First off, I’m glad I got it off my chest and it does cut down on future explanations…I can just direct people to the essay…but mostly, I needed to be reminded that people don’t give a shit.
“Hold on. Don’t you have any friends or family? I’m sure they care. They probably just didn’t read it or didn’t see it. You said a lot of them unfollowed you, right?”
To be clear, I do have many friends and a big family. We do love and care about each other. I can depend on these people for other things, like if I was in a car accident, or lost my job. But when it comes to vulnerable thoughts and emotional feelings…forget about it.
I don’t blame my friends and family for not reacting or showing much concern towards my “feelings.” I blame myself. Because sometimes, people do respond and reach out to me. But the fault resides in my “expecting, hoping, and anticipating” something, anything remotely related to kindness and understanding. It’s that expectation and hope that led to crushing disappointment. That’s not their fault. They are free individuals. No one owes me anything.
And because of that reminder and taking that emotional kick in the gut…I did get stronger. The pain of disappointment is a lot like the pain of a football player or soldier who’s just gone through arduous training. Think about it…If you just spent a hot summer day banging against players in shoulder pads, how sensitive are you going to be when someone accidentally bumps into you? If you’re a soldier who’s had to sleep through gunfire and mortars going off…how difficult is it going to be to sleep through the upstairs neighbors playing music in the middle of the night?
That’s what these painful life lessons do to us as men. We don’t hate anyone. We don’t remain bitter or resentful. Most of us just remember the lessons, adapt, and overcome.
But here’s the thing…Despite the fact that people may not care, show you affection, give you any kind of support or so much as a helping hand…Despite the fact that some people might tell you to “nut up and deal with it” or “Great, cuz” after you’ve just revealed you had a problem with panic attacks. Despite the fact that people might shit all over your problems and make you feel like you’re complaining about nothing, or it’s not that big a deal…
You still gotta let it out, fellas. You can’t keep it bottled up inside. The injustices you see, the unfair treatment you’ve had to endure, the hypocrisy, the lack of appreciation, the fact that you’ve been ignored, neglected, and demeaned…you have to let it go. Life’s too short and as a Christian, I have to be the light. How can I encourage others to serve Christ, if I emanate dread and disappointment in every step?
So here are several outlets, God’s blessed me with:
1st Outlet – The Bible:
Reading the Bible every day keeps me on the right path, keeps my guard rails strong so I don’t stray left or right. If other humans don’t understand you, rest assured, God does. And you’d be surprised how many times you find the answers, the relief, the love, care and treatment to your problems, just as you continue into the next chapter. Believe me when I say, drawing close to God will gain you the most dependable friend you’ll ever need. And in serving Christ, like a younger brother looking up to a big brother, you pick up traits and qualities that’ll help you in this life and the next.
And more often than naught…when you pray and ask God for his help, he gives it to you pretty quickly. You may bump into someone the very next day, it could be a complete stranger that you strike up a conversation with. Like an elderly man who remained married to a blind, deaf woman, prompting you to be grateful for what you have.
2nd Outlet – Boxing:
I work out and I do boxing. I’m of the belief that humans are a lot like dog breeds. Not all of us are gregarious Golden Retrievers. Not all of us are aggressive bulldogs or territorial mastiffs. I was born with the instinct to fight and compete. I may be a domesticated lion, but I’m still a LION. And yeah, you could say, “But I thought you said you were a Christian!?” But I dare say, even King David was a man who was said to have a heart after God. Maybe God blessed me with this instinct to protect and defend others, like my future wife and children.
Some people talk to therapists. Some people take antidepressants. And some people drink away their sorrows. I taking boxing classes 3x a week and knock out a 5k on the treadmill. That gets all the angst and frustration out of my system. A catharsis takes hold so I can shake off this world, hold my head up, and keep smiling. Even when someone’s tailgating me. 🙂
3rd Outlet – Writing
These essays, you might not agree with them, you might think I’m overreacting, or that I’m too sensitive, or that I’m just a flat out weak human being to let so much get to me. Doesn’t change the fact that I have these thoughts. That’s what I don’t get about PC Culture and all the effort to curb hate speech. Just because you silence them, doesn’t make it go away.
Writing is therapeutic because the blank piece of paper doesn’t judge. You don’t get frustrated because it doesn’t understand or doesn’t believe you. The blank piece of paper doesn’t interrupt you, look at you bored, ask you unrelated questions, or try to compete intellectually. You’re able to be open and honest, you don’t have to hold back, and you can get it all out of your chest. You come to realizations you might not have even noticed before, because you’re forced to think things out and put them into words. And that, my friends, really is like removing the ball and chains, unshackling yourselves, allowing you to go farther, move faster, and improve.
4th Outlet – Community
Find your community. Notice how I titled this, “Why Men Need Some Kind of Brotherhood,” and not, “Why the Manosphere is Needed.” Because I’m quite certain the mainstream all the way down to the Wikipedia page has demonized the concept of a “Manosphere” to the point that it would land me in all kinds of trouble to praise it…So before I begin, a question for the detractors: If the Manosphere is bad and unholy, where can men meet and talk openly and honestly about their problems?
The reason why they need some kind of group, community, or brotherhood is because without someone understanding you, especially when it comes to distinctly male-related issues, you tend to think that something is wrong with you. And if you think something’s wrong with you when your thoughts and responses are natural reactions to the unique circumstance you’ve experienced…you run the risk of depression and suicide.
And on a more serious and uncomfortable note, you also run the risk of producing the ones who simply trudge through society hurt, bitter, and angry. And when they unleash their frustration on innocent victims, society simply demonizes them and straps a label to them, without addressing any of the catalysts that prompted them to take such actions. By my even typing this right now, it “sounds” like I’m justifying horrible things.
But this is what I’m talking about. If you just park your feelings for one second and consider that maybe there’s a good point that should be evaluated, society just might get somewhere.
In 2016, I stumbled upon Milo Yiannopoulos and Ben Shapiro. It blew my mind that there were public figures, speaking about what I had been thinking for so long, but was too afraid to say because of getting fired or ostracized by my peers. No…this doesn’t mean I agree with EVERYTHING they’ve ever said. But they do make a lot of good points about mob culture, feminism, and free speech.
By 2017, I had discovered other thinkers like Stefan Molyneaux and Dave Rubin, which led to a website called the ReturnofKings and concepts like the Red Pill and the Manosphere. If you Google these terms, you’re likely to find all kinds of articles and websites claiming that these are all sexist and misogynistic. Seriously, I just looked up “Manosphere” on Wikipedia and it looks pretty awful.
However, in my opinion…the Manosphere really is no different from DayTime Talk shows like “The REAL,” or even Steve Harvey’s show where it’s all about men and women dictating to men how they should “step up” and treat women. I have no problem with those shows. I believe in their right and liberty to express their honest opinions even if I disagree with them.
The problem comes when you have a culture where they’re the only ones who can express their opinions on the subject without being accused of being offensive. In the mainstream, the only shows I’ve seen on the air that have come close to discuss men’s issues on a rational level are FoxNews shows like Tucker Carlson. Jordan Peterson has also made headlines after this world famous interview.
The thing is, sometimes the truth is offensive. Reality is unpleasant. But as adults, we have to accept it.
I listened and watched many of these speakers because believe it or not, a lot of Red Pill Philosophy is actually in the Bible. Things like, how the man is supposed to lead and be the head of the household. How husbands are to honor their wives, but wives are to submit to her husband’s authority (2nd Timothy). That right there goes against today’s mainstream culture. The Mainstream Culture keeps pushing for the abolishing of gender roles, but what does the Bible say? What does God command?
In addition to that, the Red Pill Communities help out a lot of young men and give them the support and encouragement that you’re not likely to get from friends and family who either have no idea what you’re talking about, or don’t believe you because it hasn’t happened to them personally.
It covers socially awkward topics like divorce court and child support. False accusations, and Paternity Fraud. Depression caused from loneliness and the lack of appreciation because the opposite sex deems them too boring or a “nice guy”. If you post about any of these things on Facebook or Twitter, you’d be hard press to get any support from your friends and family because 1) they’re likely already in a relationship and don’t want to get involved or 2) they’re female and likely have a group mentality where if you seem to bash one women, you bash them all.
Or 3) they’re afraid of being thought of as an Incel, Right-Wing, or Far Right…all things the mainstream has deemed unacceptable and thus, if you’re perceived as one of these things, then you’re likely to be ostracized, very much like the pinning a white feather on men in England. Some women would pin white feathers on men to label them as cowards, shame them into enlisting in wars.
That’s why these Red Pill/Manosphere groups are so critical. I’ve read so many accounts of men committing suicide, men who have lost everything through divorce, who have had their kids weaponized through the divorce proceedings. I’ve even heard testimony from women who grew up, never knowing the love and affection of their fathers because their mother falsely accused the father of molesting them when they were younger.
You hear these stories and it breaks your heart. And cue the line of people saying, “Oh yeah! Well what about the women who are raped and killed and ____”
Just because we’re talking about men’s issues, it doesn’t’ mean we’re making light of women’s issues. More importantly, when it comes to our society, who can talk about these problems openly and get the love, support, and encouragement? On those Daytime Talk Shows, you see whole audiences clapping and applauding it up. Meanwhile, Henry Cavil mentions how the pursuit of women isn’t like it used to be, and he’s forced to issue an apology.
I can go on and on, but I think you get the picture. Men…you’re not alone. Other men and women do see what’s going on. Yes, I do follow some women too. Lauren Chan, Sara Lena, NollaGirl, Sydney Watson, and not to mention the filmmaker of “The Red Pill” Documentary herself, Cassie Jaye.
And yes, some men in the Manosphere really do sound misogynistic, but not all.
“SEE! You just said they really are misogynistic! So why would you listen to them?”
Consider this, why would you watch any documentary about a criminal’s life and background? They’re criminals! So why would you listen to them? First off, I said, not all. Secondly, I definitely don’t approve of how those specific guys speak of women. I listen and make up my own mind about the philosophy they put forth, using the Bible as my ultimate compass.
“But why listen at all?”
Because the community gives a shit! The community isn’t just the speakers, the Youtubers making these videos, it’s the commenters, forum users, average men where they share what they’ve been through, letting others know they’re not alone, encouraging younger men not to make the same mistakes. It’s like, if my older brother got in trouble, came home, and it ended with him getting his ass whooped…wouldn’t I want to know what he did to learn from that mistake? Or do parents keep that from the younger brothers?
“Maybe the parents think the younger brothers aren’t mature enough to know what happened? Maybe they don’t need to know.”
And that’s the problem. That’s a huge problem in the black community when it comes to black-on-black violence, and people not wanting to air out their dirty laundry, thus doing nothing to stop the perpetuating of a horrible cycle that’s led to children being born out of wedlock by over 70%.
But staying on topic, consider this: I’m a 34-year-old virgin who’s waiting till marriage to have sex. I’ve never been married, didn’t grow up with sisters, and don’t do online dating sites. How on earth am I supposed to learn anything about the dynamics of modern male/female relationships? From my parents? My parents were old-school. They didn’t know anything about the hook-up culture or online dating. What men did to pursue women back then would be considered cat-calling and stalking today.
Honestly…I can’t even take my dad to the mall without him elbowing me, eye-balling a girl in the food court, and saying out loud, “There you go!”
Thus, the fellas in the Manosphere spread the word about what they’ve seen and experienced for better or worse. For instance…did you know that some women use dating apps just to get free food? Meaning, they’ll agree to go out with someone from an online dating site, get treated to a dinner at a restaurant, and never call that dude again. It was just free food. It happens.
How was man like me supposed to know anything like that goes on without the advice of other men? And the reason why a lot of people want to demonize these groups is precisely because it exposes such practices. It encourages us young men to guard against this kind of behavior and realize what we’re getting into, to recognize the Red Flags and understand the risks we take by even getting married.
And guess what…despite the risks, despite the warnings, despite the statistics, and all the advice I’ve heard…I still want to get married. I do believe that “Not All Women Are Like That” and to many in the Manosphere, that makes me a Simp…just like falling for a white woman makes me an Uncle Tom to a lot of pro-blacks out there. But that’s alright. “Many” and “a lot” does not mean “all.”
If any of this sounds offensive to you…Ask yourself why? Honestly, it reminds me of kids when we were younger. An older neighbor left her back door unlocked and while I wanted to tell the woman that her door was unlocked, my “friends” got mad and said “Shshh! You’re gonna ruin it for all of us” as they intended to go in and rob the place. It’s not right.
So, instead of calling out some of the more hardcore figures in the Manosphere, I’ll introduce some of the more tamer ones with a voice of reason and logic. Such as ThinkBeforeYouSleep, who refuses to reveal personal information about the subjects of his videos because he believes it’s an invasion of privacy. Or Joker of Better Bachelor, a man who converted a bus into a home and travels the country.
Then of course, there’s Kevin Samuels...this dude recently was featured on WorldStar for telling a woman that she was going to die alone. With Kevin, you really do hear it straight from the mouths of women themselves, because they’re always calling into the show to debate him. The truths they reveal…it’s just mind-blowing.