I’m not afraid to die alone. When most people hear about how long I’ve been single, it’s easy to assume I’m just a man “going my own way” (MGTOW). I’m not. I’m glad I discovered Sigmas...because I’ve concluded a majority of people just don’t understand. And when they don’t understand you…clearly, there’s something wrong with you.
After about 3 months of starting online dating again…I learned that not much has changed since I tried the last time back in 2014. Except the sites cost more. But this isn’t to complain about the dating culture in general. At this point, it’s about as pointless as complaining about water being wet.
What I’m about to say…I’m speaking on behalf of myself. I don’t know if other 35-year-old single men are like me. But here goes.
Ever since I was young, my father taught me to set goals for myself and to accomplish whatever I said I’m going to do. I love that. I’m great at that and derive an incredible boost of confidence and self-worth from my ability to accomplish those goals. That being said…I don’t like to make goals in which my success depends too much on another person. In this case, my getting married and having children depends on another person wanting to commit to me.
Here is where you’ll have all the Red Pill voices, all the dating coaches, all the playas and Old-School Macks chime in about how you CAN have a great deal of control in how others perceive you. I’ve heard it all. Focus on your money, career, and success and you’ll attract a mate. Focus on hitting the gym and making yourself physically attractive and you’ll attract a mate. Focus on your social skills, build up the confidence and ability to spit game and you’ll attract a mate. Focus on going out and attending events where hot women go and you’ll attract a mate. We’ve heard it all ever since high school.
And I’m not saying any of that’s wrong. There’s a great deal of truth in all of that advice. What I question is the emphasis placed on “attracting a mate”. As if that should be our number one goal in life, above things like doing what’s good in God’s eyes. And more importantly, what if none of that just isn’t you? Are these men who don’t have those goals simply out of luck? I don’t think so.
I believe there’s a wide range of female personalities that’s not exactly popular or mainstream, and these ladies don’t care about any of those things. Sometimes, all a woman wants is just a man who’s “there” and will always be there. And yeah you could belittle them by saying, “Well, that lady doesn’t have ambition or self-confidence otherwise she’d shoot her sights on ‘a high value man’ (a man making six-figures). But if those ladies are happy with men who you perceive to be “losers”…what is that to you? They have each other. They’re happy.
Speaking of “ambition…” I think it’s fair to say, by “ambition,” most ladies either talking about a man who pursues the most money they can make, get to the highest rank in their career, or pursues the best woman they can find. These “ambitious” men aren’t content with just anything…they want the best and the ladies love them for it…right? And just because they “love” an ambitious men, are these the kind of men they actually end up shacking up with, hooking up with, and bearing children with? I’m mainly looking at the number of children being born out of wedlock in the black community with that one.
My point being, is that people often SAY they want this or that, but their actions contradict it. It’s like a woman who says she wants a “good man” but dates drug dealers and gang members. And honestly…I don’t look down on people for saying one thing and doing another. My problem comes when that same person is giving advice based on a lie.
As in, “Rock, women want a good god-fearing Christian man. They’d like a man like you who’s waiting till marriage to have sex and start a family.”
And if you ask, “Did you? Did you wait until marriage to have sex and start a family?” you’d get crickets.
This is important, not to belittle the person, but to prepare the uninitiated for reality. To strengthen them to handle the risks and sacrifices they’ll have to face. Because I can tell you that before I reconnected with God, there was nothing more frustrating than living your life, doing all the right things, and yet seeing the wicked prosper and excel at things you wanted to do and COULD HAVE DONE if you just abandoned your own faith, standards, and virtues.
As a Christian, while I do pursue money to sustain a lifestyle, and I do pursue women because I’m looking for a wife to start a family…my number one ambition is doing what’s good in God’s eyes. That often conflicts with what the world tells us we should pursue. And thus…many, including Christians, don’t understand men like me. They’ll say, “Well, I’m Christian and I’m ambitious so what are you trying to say? You think you’re more Christian than me? You’re self-righteous. You think you’re better than everyone. You have an ego.”
All classic tactics to chop you down to their level instead of being inspired to get up to yours. And yes…plainly put, we are NOT on the same level. How can we be? Is a 2nd grader who only knows how to add on the same level with a 10th grader who knows Quadratic Equations? It’s the same with individuals and their knowledge of Christ and the Holy Scriptures. If all you know is what someone told you without doing any effort to read the Bible and learn for yourself…why on earth would you think your knowledge is on the same level as one who went to any Theocratic school and spent years devoted to just studying the scriptures?
Now what I’m going to say is going to sound naive and childish…and ironically it’s what you often hear from Atheists when they say, “You only have one life to live so you should live this life to the fullest.”
I agree with living your life to the fullest, and I say that as a Christian. But the kind of life I want to live is not the kind of life our modern culture is pushing. Once upon a time, a man was born in a village and lived his whole life in that village. He was content. He was happy. Sure he’d dream about what else was out in the world, but with his wife and children by his side, providing and protecting them…this man was living “the life”.
Now…with the modern age of tech and social media…we’re inundated with the prospect of traveling everyone, having fun, attending events, going out, buying things we don’t need. On Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, with the exception of an old high school buddy and his tree trimming business, not many promote working and being productive on social media. That’s not to knock people for sharing their happy moments. But to illustrate what my generation is being influenced to do.
“No, Rock. We’ve always wanted to go out and have fun. Nothing’s changed. We just now have more efficient means to do it.”
A couple of words stick out to me. Always “wanted”…have the “means” to do it. But should you? I’m asking on behalf of the individual, not all of society. Should you?
“Yes, Rock! Living life to the fullest, remember!?”
I understand. In fact, I think most Americans would understand. Could you say the same about someone who’d say the opposite? Could you say you’d understand someone who’s living life to the fullest by being more productive and finding fulfillment out of the work of his or her hands? That, I think is lost among my generation. That’s why I’m constantly running into ladies who stress a need of “balance” between my work life and fun. Failing to understand that to men like me, work and fun are one in the same.
It’s also why you heard of people not wanting to get back to work after the lockdowns ended. And why they just wanted to keep collecting the government’s checks. My Atheist radio co-host kept saying, “well, yeah, you’d be stupid to turn it down.”
And I’d say. “Stupid…or a simply good person.”
After last night, I’ve made up my mind to stop talking to most of my friends about my dating life. I know, I should’ve stopped years ago. But when you’re in your mid 30s, the topic comes up quite a bit. Because the moment you even hint about how you’d like to be with someone, or want to get married someday…the conversation always shifts to, “well are you doing everything you can to make that happen?”
For me, the answer will always be a resounding “No…”
And I say that because it’s the honest answer. It’s the answer to, “If you’re so smart, then why aren’t you rich?” I’d say, “It’s because I’m not willing to do just anything.”
Then begins the battle of my saying, “it’s okay, I’m good whether it happens or not” versus “But Rock, you gotta put forth more effort.”
And when they talk about “putting forth more effort” it’s usually about changing who I am to be whatever they think a man should be that a woman would want. And of course, as I mentioned, just because a woman “wants” a type of man…it doesn’t mean that’s the type of man she’ll go for. Things like convenience, availability, peer pressure, and persistence from whatever kind of man is pursuing her all play a huge part. Bringing us back to a few paragraphs ago when it comes to the advice.
Here’s the truth….Deep down, I know they’re right when they talk about putting forth more effort. Thus, the truth hurts. I feel pain because they’re describing the kind of man I am not and don’t want to be, which gives the impression that I’ll never find someone who wants me because I am too stubborn and obstinate to be compatible with anyone. Thus, I don’t deserve anyone.
Those are my initial thoughts when I get the “advice.”
But here’s where I’m a little bit different from most…that pain I feel…It’s like in boxing. When you haven’t sparred in a while, the first couple of hits hurt and the person’s able to punch through your guard because you aren’t use to blocking it. You were weak. But after the first couple of shots, your guard gets stronger. The punches aren’t coming through anymore.
The point of this illustration, is when people give me advice, however well intended, the truth doesn’t penetrate to hurt like it once did. Instead, I absorb the blows and become more hardened, more defiant. It’s essentially “doubling down” on a stance. And while that stubbornness might not “sound” like a good thing…I think when you reach a certain age, you have to be stubborn. As a Christian, you have to pick a side. You can’t serve two masters.
It’s like putting all your chips in, going all in. I put all my chips in on the belief that the Bible is the word of God. Jesus Christ is the son of God. Jesus Christ will return and wipe away all wickedness, destroying this world. Those who repented will live forever in a new world that’s free from pain and sorrow. By the time I hit 30, I put all my chips in on this belief and thus, live my life according to Christ’s standards. Thus…when it comes to this world and all the different lifestyles, I am stubborn in refusing to engage in such lifestyles if it conflicts with what I’ve read in the Bible.
Such as the hook-up culture and having sex before marriage. (1st Corinthians 6:9-11)
Last night, I was talking to a longtime friend from college. Her name is Eliza. I’ve known her since 2005. I told her I was online dating. Told her I matched with plenty of ladies, but most of the matches were either long-distance, too worldly (feminists,) or unattractive (overweight, or didn’t seem to care about being visually pleasing to men).
She told me I needed to be more tolerant and that I had “commitment issues”. I wasn’t offended. Sometimes people use words that mean something different from what they’re trying to say.
For instance, she knows I don’t have “commitment” issues in the sense that I don’t know how to commit to a woman. I do. I am very loyal and have never cheated on anyone.
The commitment she’s talking about is my being selective (picky). And she’s right. I’m not going to commit to just anyone if I’m not attracted to them because I believe you’ll ultimately hurt the other person’s feelings one way or another, sooner or later. (don’t get me started on this one…)
The tolerance she’s talking about is in the similar vein. I love talking to people of every lifestyle, opinion, and world view…but that doesn’t mean I’ll tolerate being married to them or practice their world view myself.
Again, this friend has known me since 2005, back when I was 18. Back before my sexual harassment accusations, back when I was more outgoing and social, when I was more tolerant, less religious, and even went to parties and clubs.
For her to hear what I went through, how it changed me, and still give me the advice of someone who’s fresh out of college is…again, well-intended…but I’d be foolish to take it. Notice I said, “hear” what I went through. I originally had “know” what I went through, but by her advice she and many others demonstrate that they clearly don’t know and I can’t blame them. I often wonder how much I’d truly understand myself, if I hadn’t experience the false accusations myself.
What I kept trying to impress upon her, as I do with most people who call me out of the blue after months if not years of talking with me…is that I really AM GOOD!
Yes, I am human. I feel loneliness every now and then like everyone else. But for the most part, I am extremely blessed in so many ways. God has blessed me with a beautiful home that I get to wake up to every day. God has blessed me with great health. I literally get sick only once a year, I’ve lost 178lbs and have kept it off, still getting stronger and improving my physique. I have a job in which I’m basically the best in the department. I work with good people who depend on and appreciate me. I have a 2nd family in the form of a law firm that took me in out of college and damn near raised me to be the man I am today.
And on top of all of that…God’s blessed me with a wonderful, powerful imagination. This gift…aside from it allowing me to produce some awesome books…lol, this might sound silly but when I’m alone, I’m always actively daydreaming. Lol, in my dreams I have friends, I place the people I love and care about next to me. I dream of another world, another place and time, a world far different from reality and all my dreams do is keep me company when I’m alone.
If you don’t understand this…my apologies. I know it sounds crazy or sad, but again…I love it. If God does bless me with wife and children one day, I’m sure they’ll be the ones who constantly pull me out of my own head…but until then, I’m good.
Changing who I am just to attract a mate would make me miserable. I know this, because I have done this. When you’re in your 20s, you’re allowed to go through the trials and errors. To make mistakes and get hurt and blunder spectacularly. It’s how you learn. It’s how you grow. It’s how you figure out who you are, what you can do, and what you can’t do, your strengths and weaknesses.
By your mid 30s…I believe a man has every right to be stubborn when someone’s trying to change them.
“But Rock. If you don’t change, you’ll always be single and never find anyone.”
THEN SO BE IT! If I find someone to marry, that would be amazing. If not, I’ll still make the most out of this gift called life and be happy. Don’t you see? Does no one understand the importance of peace and happiness? What sense would it make to put forth the effort and be someone I’m not…just to attract a mate who’s attracted to a person I really don’t want to be? That would be hell.
You got one life to live, remember?
On one podcast by Rollo Tomassi, his panel of guests were talking about how Men shouldn’t be talking to their wives and girlfriends about their problems. They were laughing as they said, “They aren’t your mommy. You got mommy issues if you’re looking for a woman where you can be open and honest about your feelings and lay down your burden upon them. They aren’t equipped to handle that. They’re looking to you for strength and masculinity. Not the other way around.”
I’m not sure how serious they are, but I don’t believe for one second that all women are like that. However, let’s say they are. Let’s say these men are speaking the truth and that most or all women are like that and thus, men should never be open and honest about their sad or depressing feelings with the one person they vowed to stay with for the rest of their lives. Just typing that out sounds ridiculous and unbelievable. But if they are right, what incentive is there for a man to be “married”?
If I couldn’t be open and honest with the person I’m sharing my bed with, that would be hell. Yes, some men would say, “that’s what your guy friends are for,” but the concept is still stupid and ridiculous to a man like me.
Already, as a Christian who endeavors to put God first, I have to hold my tongue, I have to hold back so much about what I honestly think and feel when I see all kinds of crap going on in the world. To have to come to my own home and still hold back what I think and feel because I’m afraid of being seen as less than a man to my wife? This is nonsense. If what these men are saying is true, and I have to pick and choose, I choose peace and happiness, as opposed to the misery of concealing, hiding, and watering down who I am to maintain an illusion for someone who’s in love, not with me, but that illusion.
To be fair, I am seeing more women come out on Youtube and social media to encourage ladies that “you shouldn’t be entering a man’s life to complicate it…” And that you should “let your man talk to you and stop cutting him down and using his own words against him.”
Here’s the kicker. As “obstinate and stubborn” as I sound…you know who I’m not obstinate with? The Word of God.
The Bible does mention that “man is not meant to be alone.”
But I’m not alone. I have friends and great people I work with every day. In 1 Corinthians Chapter 7, the Apostle Paul talks about people who are single and encourages us to live the life that “the Lord has assigned to him”. (1 Cor 7:17). Paul tells us that the married man’s interests is divided. That’s not to shame the “married man”…but to encourage those of us who are single to place a greater interest in God, how to please God.
And I mention that scripture with a grain of salt. Because I have heard of single women who use that scripture as a defense for not wanting to care about making themselves attractive to men or caring about what a man wants from a woman. However, if you asked these same ladies if, in the absence of marriage or wanting to attract a man, they’re refocusing their efforts on prioritizing living a Godly life…you’d run the risk of finding them at pride parades or the pursuit of pleasure and “experiences”. A lot of “self-lovers” in this crowd. (2 Timothy 3:1-5) Not all ladies, of course.
God knows I pray every day that he blesses me with his wife. And in that same prayer, I always say, “But let your will be done first and foremost.”
This is the echo what Jesus prayed for in the Garden of Gethsemane, where he asked God to remove the cup from him, yet to do “not what I want, but what you want.” (Matt 26:36-46)
Therefore I titled this Essay “Why I’m Not Going MY Own Way”. Because there is a movement of men similar to myself, who are checking out of relationships and the dating market to live a life free from the pursuit of dating and marriage. And dude…I understand COMPLETELY! Anyone who doesn’t understand why today’s man would go that route, either has no clue, or compassion. I have both.
The difference between myself and MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) is that until the day I die, I will never give up “hope” for love and marriage. And “my own way” is not mine…but I endeavor to walk the path that leads to salvation, following in Christ’s footsteps to the best of my abilities.
Hearing this, people may hit you with “oh, that’s just an excuse. There are Christian men who are married.” I’m happy for them. That may be me one day, but it’s not now. In the meantime, I choose to still be happy with what God’s blessed me with. (he’s blessed me with a lot)
I’ll leave you with this…last week, that Atheist associate, Marisol said on my boss’s radio show, “Rock, something I wanted to ask you. You talked before about how you grew up in a strict religiously oppressive household. I find it curious that even though you’re grown up, you live life more religiously strict too.”
I told her, “You’re right to an extent. But I don’t think I’m living a ‘strict’ life…it’s just that other Christians are looser in their morals. Just to be clear, I sin and make mistakes just like every other man. But having read the Entire Bible, which most don’t do…they merely inherited the title and claim they believe in Jesus but don’t even know what he taught’…because I do know what Jesus said and I do know what’s in the Bible, I simply endeavor to live life by Christ’s standards. 50 years ago, you wouldn’t be calling me ‘strict’. It’d be standard morality, the normal way to live. It’s society that’s declined over the years.”
Once upon a time, a people waited until they got married to have sex. If they got pregnant, they got married and left the dating market. If they were hooking up and shacking outside of marriage, it wasn’t so openly celebrated and accepted. There was shame and disappointment to keep people in line, shame and disappointment based on the Bible’s teachings of what’s right and what is wrong. But when Hollywood and entertainment started glorifying and make immorality seem cool and appealing, people started making the wrong choices.
It’s like King Solomon wrote at Eccl 8:11, “Because the sentence against an evil deed is not executed speedily, the heart of the children of man is fully set to do evil.”