Stage In The Sky

People are starting to acknowledge that Dating Apps are a waste of time. And yet for a lot of us, we also feel like we got no choice. So, with this one, we’re gonna talk about why so many are struggling to find someone. Especially, if so many of us already are on them.

Points Discussed:

1. Why I HATED Dating Apps to Begin With…
2. I Used to be a Blue-Pilled White Knight:
3. Overinflated Egos
4. The Absence of a Standard:
5. Are Women Primarily to Blame?
6. The “Love is Blind” Comparison:
7. It’s Women Who Ruined Things for Women
8. Hypergamy and Greed

Heads up, this post is going to be mostly negative and sound like a lot of complaining. But as part of my 8-Part series on the topic, I’m just getting all the bad stuff out of the way so I can talk about what actually did work in helping me to find a wife.

Disclaimer, this is coming from an average 9-5 Christian man’s perspective. You might have had different experiences, so read at your own peril. Because what I’m about to say is gonna ruffle a lot of feathers, but these things needs to be said.

Why I HATED Dating Apps to Begin With…

Long story short, dating sites made me lose respect for women. Easy! I’m not saying I don’t respect women. There are plenty of women in my world who I love and respect tremendously. But there’s a word called “Disillusioned.”

That’s how I felt about my female peers and honestly, the world, when I first starting online dating sites back in 2014. I used to believe in Feminism and Equality and anything a Man can do, a woman can do…but after a few months on OKCupid, my respect for the fairer sex took a nosedive.

Why? Plainly put, I grew up with an idealistic view of women. They used to tell us that women matured faster than men. I put most women up on a pedestal as compassionate, kind, pure, and innocent. That they were all sugar, spice, and everything nice while it was us dastardly men who were snips, snails, and puppy dog tails.

I grew up on movies like “The Color Purple” and “What’s Love Got to Do With it” showing the worse kind of men, especially Black Men. Between that and the stereotypes, I was convinced that everything wrong with relationships were all the men’s fault. That we were all a bunch of abusive cheaters who neglected our wives and children.

I didn’t want to be like that. So, I was determined to be a good man. A gentleman, one who respects women!

However…right under our noses, the culture shifted. I say “right under our noses,” because I don’t think most men were watching influential shows like HBO’s “Girls”, “Love and Hip Hop,” “The Kardashians” or “Gossip Girl” that promoted a type of woman that was a bit different from what prunes like me believed Women were supposed to be.

This new type of Modern Woman prioritizes fun, freedom, and sexual experience over family, faith, and fulfillment. I would say they weren’t grounded in reality, but the thing is, the culture made their fantasy a reality. The “new normal.” Turns out, I was the one living in a fantasy world.

While I was out here thinking I’m just gonna work hard and build a financial foundation to provide for my future wife and children, a lot of women were choosing to “live their best lives,” YOLO. The here and now or the weekend was all that mattered. It was rare to come across a woman’s profile where anyone claimed they wanted marriage or to start a family.

The keyword that popped up on almost every woman’s profile was, “Fun.”

Yes, you could say the same about men. But the point is, between men and women, women were supposed to be the “good ones!” Instead, a lot of them have embraced the mentality of “if they can do it, we can too.”

So, if Men are acting like amoral men. And Women are embracing the immaturity of men…who’s going to be the “woman”?

Furthermore, if they “reward” the bad boys who they end up complaining about, it kinda sends the wrong signals about how to court them.

Keep in mind that everything I’ve pointed out so far, these might sound like complaints. But really, it’s like going to a foreign country and being disappointed because it’s not what you thought it was going to be. If I knew the truth before I got there, I don’t think I would’ve been so disappointed.

Back in 2014, the Manosphere and Red Pill communities weren’t so popular. There was no Kevin Samuels, Kendra G, or all these podcasts exposing the truth about dating culture or Modern Women. I’m not saying that men are perfect without flaws…I am saying that without the truth about what you’re dealing with, it’s inevitable that you’re going to be confused, frustrated, and yes, possibly angry. Some people call it “Red Pill Rage.”

I Used to be a Blue-Pilled White Knight:

I don’t believe I’m alone in saying that I was raised to be a good guy. Not a “nice guy” who lets anyone walk all over him, but I was definitely a White Knight. The Urban Dictionary has this definition of what a White Knight Is:

“Usually a man who puts himself in someone else’s business to stick up for a girl, even if she’s wrong or has done something wrong. White Knights usually do this for some sort of reward, nudes, sex, or something along those lines.”

Not gonna lie. That was me. However, the “reward” I was looking for wasn’t sex or nudes. It was simply her favor, her companionship, her love and affection that would eventually lead to marriage and yes, sex. (crazy, right?)

Seriously, as much as women want to talk about how oppressive movies were when it came to stereotyping the Damsel in Distress and how every woman was just looking for a guy to swoop in and save them…we men grew up on male heroes risking their lives for the woman they loved. And sometimes, we survive, winning her over and thus living happily ever after.

I won’t say that I went the way of Tupac (see Tupac clip above).

Meaning, I never stopped being a gentleman, or started acting like a thug/bad boy/asshole just because I was disillusioned with the way modern women are. But it did make me a bit cold-hearted. Maybe I was little bitter (until I committed my life to Christ). I still treated people with love and respect, but I became more disheartened with the idea of “going out of my way” to appeal to today’s women.

Because arrogantly speaking…I didn’t think they deserved me. Yep, I said it. That’s the truth. Not even being funny. My parents and a lot of my aunties (all of them were Smokeshows back in their days) imbued me with a big-headed sense of self-worth.

And one of the biggest things I hated more than being rejected or even being called a creep…was being ignored. As if I didn’t exist or wasn’t worthy of a response.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand now…Now, as in present day. Now, I understand why women shouldn’t respond to every single DM that floods their inbox. But back in 2014, when I first started, I had no idea what to expect. So yeah…I resented it.

Thus…back in 2014. I was the problem. My lack of knowledge. My immaturity. My unrealistic expectations. My Ego! I simply did not know how to use Online Dating Apps. That took necessitated some growth and maturity on my part.

Overinflated Egos

In addition to the rejections and being ignored…this is going to sound super shallow, but back in 2014, it bothered me that I stooped so low as to reach out to women who I only barely found attractive.

Like, if we happen to be in the same room in real life, I probably wouldn’t even notice these girls, or at the very least, think of them romantically. But when you aren’t getting a response from the hot ones you really wanted, you end up going after just anyone who’s even remotely attractive in the slightest hopes that they’ll like you back.

I would’ve been able to tolerate this and accept that I just wasn’t qualified in the looks department to get the hot girls I wanted…if not for their overinflated egos.

I admit that I had an ego myself. But if you graduated from a film school, worked at a law firm, self-published your own books, and worked your ass off to go from 378lbs to 220lbs and keep it off with a height of six-foot-three…wouldn’t you have a sense of self-worth? Other than making six figures, I was the kind of Man most women “claimed” they wanted.

A lot of these ladies on the dating apps, however…it just didn’t make any sense. Like, when you see a woman who looks like this rapper who tried to sue Lyft (above photo)…her level of self-confidence is fascinating (and should be psychologically studied).

And it makes sense, why it wouldn’t make sense to me, because I wasn’t part of the Hook-Up Culture. I wouldn’t find out until later that a lot of these ladies were what you’d call a “49er,” a four who thinks she’s a nine because she’s hooked up with men who were also nines. And of course, most don’t find out until later that just because a man will sleep with you, it doesn’t mean he’ll marry you.

Between the hook-up culture and a society of lies, you have situations like the above photo. The bottom lineup was how five women ranked themselves based on what they think Men would find attractive. The top lineup showed a different story, with the overweight lady being the least desirable.

I know that sounds mean and unpleasant. Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There are plenty of guys who like big gurls. But are the odds? I’m not saying this to be mean. I really do want everyone to find someone. Being realistic can help.

The Absence of a Standard:

What’s wrong to you might be right to someone else.

Think of people who like to tailgate. YOU might think it’s rude, aggressive, and inconsiderate. But what if I told you that the person doing the tailgating doesn’t mind it. If that person was tailgated, he wouldn’t be offended because, in his eyes, tailgating is good and normal. (seriously, my brother’s like that. I can’t stand it)

That’s basically what’s happening with Dating. If everyone’s sense of right and wrong is based on their own personal feelings, you’re going to have a generation where everyone’s confused about what’s cool, acceptable, or weird when it comes to dating.

I don’t want to get too religious…but one of the keys to my success was finding a person who shared my sense of right and wrong. Because my morality is based on a standard. The Biblical Christian standard.

Thus, it isn’t, “Do things this way because I’m the man and what I say goes.”

No…It’s, “Let’s do things this way because our Heavenly Father said so. Here are the scriptures to back it up.”

Christ tells us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. If it hurts me to be ghosted or to have someone deliberately take their time in returning my texts or phone calls, I’m not going to do that to you. There’s a code of ethics involved that’s fixed, consistent, and based on something other than our ever-changing feelings.

No, I’m not saying Christians are perfect or that they’ll never hurt you. But I do think being with someone who knows they’ll be held accountable to somebody (even if it’s a higher power), they will take greater care to avoid hurting you.

For instance: Cheating on your spouse isn’t a crime in America. But it is according to God’s word the Bible. (instead of crime, we call it sinning)

That said, being with a Christian man requires you as a woman to live up to that standard as well. And therein lies, I think, the true reasons why a lot of men and women say they’re “Spiritual but not Religious.” It’s to avoid guilt, shame, and accountability.

Because if you claim to be Christian but don’t live according to the Bible standards, you run the risk of being called a hypocrite and thus, shamed.

Are Women Primarily to Blame?

If you’re still reading (and I do appreciate it)…it does certainly sound like I’m building a case. Ladies, I’m sorry, but I have to drop this Instagram reel here. If it doesn’t apply to you, then she’s not talking about women like you. If it sound like she IS talking about you…yeah…changes might be needed.

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A post shared by The_Man_Cave_International (@the_man_cave_international)

Earlier I mentioned that NOW I understand why Women don’t respond to every DM a man sends them. They have every right to be cautious because there are a lot of creeps, salacious, and amoral men out there who just want to harass and send lewd pics.

I understand. Most decent men would understand. If we have sisters and daughters, we’d tell you to vet carefully before responding to the guy, and ignore the men who are clearly bad for you.

That being said, ladies…if you didn’t know, Men don’t get nearly as many matches or messages flooding our inboxes. Which means, you’re the ones with the most opportunities and potential boyfriends who have already reached out to gain your affections.

You have every right to be selective…but I do think a lot of you are selective about the wrong things.

If “on paper” he is everything you want in a husband, but you don’t like his choice of shirts…do you see how ridiculous that is?

That’s not an exaggeration, nor is it an outlier of what’s happening. People like my female cousin who got married straight out of high school have no clue. They think we men are just making this stuff up, or that it’s only the small minority of women…but is it?

Shows like “Pop the Balloon” are revealing what we’ve been experiencing for years and it’s because of online dating. The above reel shows a woman who saw nothing wrong with the guy. She liked the guy. But she popped her balloon just because she wanted to “stay in it”.

Because women have sooo many options, instead of prioritizing virtue, responsibility, and his ability to protect and provide, we’ve seen ladies dismiss a man based on his haircut, his lack of “swag,” or the way he talks (he’s not being hood/black enough, which they think is the same as masculinity).

“Rock! It sounds like you’re saying women are the problem. As if it’s women’s fault that Dating Sites aren’t working!”

What if they are? Are we not allowed to ponder the question?

Seriously…if you wanted to blame men for ruining this country if men are the ones primarily in charge of the decision making…no one would have a problem with that. You’d be right in blaming men if they’re mostly in charge.

Similarly, if women are the ones who are in charge of selecting the men they go out with and give their bodies to, aren’t they to blame for the dating culture?

EVEN IF you make the argument that men are ruining dating culture because of their behavior once you go out on a date with him, you’re overlooking the fact that you’re out on a date with him! Again, and I cannot emphasize enough, that MOST MEN don’t even get that far.

Thus, the ball’s in your court. You gotta ask yourself. Are most men trash? Or is your taste and ability to choose really what’s trash?

And spare us the clichés about how all the good men are taken once they reach a certain age. We’re not. That’s just Feel-Good Kool-Aid to help you feel better about yourselves. We’re not all in jail. We’re not all hooked on video games.

I wasn’t taken for eight years. I was out and about. Hitting the gym. Working on my finances and getting right with God, and nobody “took me”.

For years, everyone’s been allowed to openly blame men. The mainstream, daytime TV and talk show hosts have called us monsters, philanderers, wife-beaters, and the main ones who are cheating with our toxic masculinity.

Michelle Obama told us to “be better.” Cher questioned why men are important. Sen. Maize Hirono told men to shut up and step up. All of this happened live and none of their careers took a hit. They just had people laughing and applauding them.

My point being…between men and women, men have been scolded. We’ve been called out for our bad behaviors, and justly so…but women, not so much. And the ones who do speak up are given some derogatory label like “Pick Me” to either silence them, or influence the herd into thinking these other good women are not worth listening to.

It’s a classic manipulation tactic that continues to work because most people tend to not think for themselves. They’re told what to think.

The “Love is Blind” Comparison:

Thankfully…even if Men aren’t allowed to speak up, women have been telling on themselves via Social Media, various podcasts, and shows like Netflix’s “Love is Blind.” My fiancée introduced me to the show even she pointed out a few key differences (at least on the first season).

1. The Men were more put together, had their lives together, responsible, and cordial.

2. The Women were more self-sabotaging. Almost as if they were conditioned to believe that if there aren’t any problems, then there is no love.

3. The Men were more likely to honor their commitments and follow through to marriage, and if they didn’t follow through, it’s because there were major red flags that everyone could see.

4. The Women were more likely to break off their commitments, and it was likely due to some arbitrary feelings that they either couldn’t explain, were in denial about, or were straight up lying.

5. The Women want the benefits of marriage without the conditions of it, like giving up your single and independent mindset where you can do anything you want with no one else having a say in your actions.

Even with the adorable couple of Lauren and Cameron, Cameron had an amazing house, ready for Lauren to move into. Meanwhile she’s still nervous about having to give up her own space and apartment she was renting. Thankfully, they overcame it and still together.

What this taught us was that a lot of people haven’t considered what it means to be married. It’s as if they only want the pageantry and status of being able to say you’re married…but that’s it.

It’s Women Who Ruined Things for Women

Everything I’m about to point out…it’s just to make you aware.

1. Men didn’t ask for Women to start being treated the same as men, women did.

2. The MeToo Movement went overboard and women didn’t care about the majority of innocent men who were affected.

3. That’s why so many Women are still oblivious as to why Men don’t approach.

4. Women are the main drivers behind destructive movements like Body Positivity and No Slut-Shaming. This is a problem because it doesn’t account for what a man wants in his woman. You’re told that you shouldn’t care what men want, by other women.

5. When the Good Women do speak up to reveal what Men want, they’re shamed and called Pick-Mes. Not by Men, but by other Women.

6. All of the issues brought up by America Ferrara’s character in this Barbie Movie about how hard women have it…Other Women asked for all that!

What does any of this have to do with dating sites? I think it’s corrupted the ability to recognize husband material when you see him, while prioritizing ephemeral qualities, and the pursuit of short-term pleasure.

“Nah-uh, Rock! See, this post is incredibly biased. You act like there aren’t men out here flaking on women, ghosting on them. You act like men don’t use women for their bodies and once we have sex with them, they’re gone.”

The Men YOU CHOSE! For instance, in this video, there’s an opening montage of women complaining about men saying the most outlandish things to these women. Those women still chose to go out with them despite how rude, crude, and disrespectful their texts were.

Hypergamy and Greed

This post is getting pretty long, but I want to wrap up most of the depressing stuff so the next one can be more positive.

For those who don’t know, Hypergamy is the theory or myth of wanting to date someone of higher social, sexual, or economic status than yourself.

Generally speaking, between men and women, this affects Women more. A high powered male attorney would be perfectly fine marrying a beautiful secretary who loves and treats him right. Whereas a high powered female attorney might not feel the same about the male of a lower status. She might have sex with him. But she’s not going to want to marry him.

Eboni K Williams proved it in her famous interview with Iyanla VanZant where she said the only way she’d date a bus driver…is if he owned the bus.

And this isn’t just an American thing. Even in traditional countries like China and S. Korea, young unmarried people are noticing the same thing.

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In the above reel, if you watch the beginning more closely, you see the woman start out as if she’s complaining about men who call women desperate.

But as the reel progresses, she doesn’t even realize that while she’s so focused on how the top 20% of men view the women, there’s still an 80% of guys who aren’t even given a chance. It’s like those guys don’t even matter.

While that attitude needs to change, I don’t think most men are expecting it to.

And since we acknowledge that it’s been this way for generations, why is Hypergamy such a big issue now? Well…the rise of the Hook Up Culture.

Stephan Molyneux explained it like this. Once upon a time, in a decent Christian society, sex outside of wedlock may have happened, but it wasn’t as celebrated, promoted, and encouraged. A man would get married to one woman. He’d belong to her, and she’d belong to him. (1 Corinthians 7)

This was a beautiful system because it removed the guy from the market. That means all the women who wanted that one guy, would now have to turn their attention other available men.

But in a world like today, where the hot guy stays on the market, those women still have access to him. Free love. The Sexual Revolution!

The above video is well-worth checking out. The problem is, a lot of ladies aren’t realizing the truth, even after they’ve been pumped-and-dumped so many times. Instead, they keep going after the same kind of men, hoping to shame or scold them into commitment.

Doubling down, clinging to their delusion, living next to that place in Egypt called Denial.

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That’s why a lot of men think Dating Apps are a waste of time.

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A post shared by Excel Motivate (@excel.motivate)

Thus…men are dealing with things their own way. When they see what’s happening, they’re choosing to walk away. They’re choosing not to participate. They’re choosing video games and a remote life of solitude over dating.

And a lot of dudes are going overseas to find women and succeeding. This guy from the Fugazi podcast explains it perfectly when it comes to some (not all) ladies. When you give someone something for free the first time, it creates appreciation.

2nd time, it creates anticipation.

3rd time, it creates expectation.

4th time, in creates entitlement

5 time, it creates dependency.

And if you don’t give it to them by the 6th time, he says it creates hatred and resentment. Internally the person feels depressed and have anxiety. Does that describe you?

Overall, I truly believe the ones who are going to get hurt in the long run are women. And I don’t say that out of spite or glee, but sadness. Because once their eggs dry up and their beauty fades…man, just go to Tiktok. So many ladies are trying to warn you.

When you see that video…you can’t help but feel sorry for them, knowing full well that they brought it upon themselves by the choices they made. And that’s the point.

With online dating, the choices seem endless. And if you’re not grounded in reality, you’re going to constantly be reaching for the stars, wondering if you can get better when they’re were decent, marriage-minded men right in front of you all along.

This is why I encourage everyone, especially women, to stop engaging in the hook-up culture. Require your man to marry you before you give him your body.

I’ll end it with this, because I know there’s a double-standard. My cousin (a 27-year-old female) mentioned that it’s “confusing because if you are a good woman, then you’re boring and not exciting. But if you’re more out there, then you’re not considered a quality woman.”

I explained to her, as I hope to impart on you…that we’re using the word “good” way too loosely. Our generation’s rejection of the Bible is why there’s so much confusion.

If you lead with your faith and lean on God’s word for your moral compass of what’s good and bad, it drastically reduces that confusion.

Sleeping around is bad. Why? Says so in the Bible (Hebrews 13:4). Cheating is bad. Why? Says so in the Bible (1 Corinthians 6: 9-14). Putting so much stock in money, materialism, fortune and fame is bad. Why? Says so in the Bible (Matt 6:19-24).

And when I say, “says so in the Bible”…that means, it’s because God says so. So, if you’re dealing with someone who claims to be a good man or a good woman, it’s your job to judge (discern) and see if he’s living by God’s standard of good and bad to the best of his abilities.

In the next post, I’m going to discuss what I did differently and what it means to date with intentions.  Stay tuned! And Thanks for reading!