Is it true that Black Men have “abandoned the church”? Clearly, there are still black men going to church. It’s not like you’ll walk into one and NOT see a black guy.
But from watching the pastors on Jason Whitlock’s show and hearing Kevin Samuels over the past few years, there does seem to be this perception that “black men have given up on the churches”. I thought this was strange. And personally, I’d have no way of knowing whether any of this is true…because *chuckles nervously* as a black guy, I don’t go to church.
First off, I want to make it clear that I don’t think churches, religious assemblies, and congregations are bad. I truly believe church and congregations are great and amazing events. The Old Testament taught that God loves assemblies. So, being that I’m a Christian…why don’t I go to one?
The issues I’m going to bring up may be reasons why other men have stopped going and we’re just too embarrassed to admit it. I haven’t seen anyone else address or mention the MAIN reason why I personally don’t go…So here goes…
THE CHURCH HAS CAVED TO MODERN WOKE IDEOLOGY –
Let’s begin by addressing the common reasons I heard about why Black Men have stopped going to the church. Mainly, the sentiment is that the message, the pastors and ministers, have stopped preaching the Truth. Instead, the “Truth” is being watered down to walk lock-step with today’s woke ideologies. And in turn, they’re catering to women, telling women what they want to hear, instead of what the Bible actually says.
Why would they do this? Well, it’s the same reasons why corporations cater to women and market campaigns that tell them what they want to hear (like how every body is beautiful regardless of the health ramifications). Women make up a majority of the consumer spending. The last thing you want to do is upset and alienate your customer base, in which they could potentially lose all that money to a competitor.
Apparently, churches have a similar mentality? Meaning…Pastors know what the Bible says about gender roles, that husbands are to be the head of the households, that the hook-up culture and all sex outside of marriage is wrong, and that God views homosexuality as an abomination. But since a lot of women have bought into today’s worldly ideology when it comes to Feminism, Intersectionality, and Female Empowerment…Pastors are hesitant or downright neglectful about mentioning any of this out of fear of losing their female membership and the money they bring in.
Just recently, Pastor T.D. Jakes gave a sermon where he spoke up about the culture raising women to be men…and he may have lost some of his attendees?
Here is where you’ll get a lot of confusion when it comes to “tolerance and acceptance”. Some Christians will say, “Jesus accepts everyone!” or “God made us all and is this is who I am, so God must be cool with what I’m doing”.
At which point, I like to use my library analogy. Jesus Christ does want us all to come onto him. Like your local library, the Kingdom of Heaven is welcome to everyone. But on the front door, the library might have a sign that says, “You must wear shirt and shoes to enter”. If you aren’t wearing shirt or shoes, you can’t get into the library.
Similarly, 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 teaches us that even though the Kingdom of God is indeed welcome to everyone, there’s a sign on the door that lists different lifestyles and behaviors that are not granted entry. Some of those lifestyles are sexual immorality, adulterers, and homosexuality.
I do believe Christians should have love, patience, and compassion towards everyone, remembering that we are all sinners. But some Christians go too far when they emphasize “tolerance and acceptance” so much so that it appears to be “approval and condoning” they’re lifestyles. This is where you see Christians attending Pride Parades and celebrating drag-queen story hour.
Even if the Christian tells themselves, “It’s not what I believe, I just don’t want to make the other person feel bad and shove my beliefs down their throats...” what about how God feels? Or do you think it’s more important that the other person feels good while deliberately engaging in what displeases our Heavenly Father…which could be an indication of, “I care more about what humans think of me than what God thinks.”
All that said…these aren’t necessarily what stopped me from going to church.
THE ULTERIOR MOTIVE OF SEARCHING FOR A WIFE
The MAIN reason why I’m reluctant to go to church…it’s embarrassing to admit because it does make me look weak and inferior. But it’s the truth. Long story short…I don’t know how to approach women I’m attracted to. There. I said it. I’m scared. I’m paranoid that my face might be so transparent that every woman I’m attracted to instantly knows it and instead of my coming off as Joe Cool, I always look like a monster.
What does that have to do with going to church? Well…as a grown man who desires to get married and have his own family, it is paramount that I find a woman who believes in the Bible.
A simple litmus test that I put to every potential online match who claims to be Christian is: “If the World tells you it’s okay to celebrate and indulge in a certain lifestyle, but the Bible tells you God disapproves of it, which way do you sway?”
Their answer, nay, their reaction to the question can tell you a lot about their spirituality.
Truth is, it makes all the sense in the world to think, “if you want a Christian wife, your best bet is to go to a place where Christians congregate. The church.” My brother and parents have been telling me this for years.
Some Christians would say things like, “That’s not why you go to church! You go to church to worship God! Not find a wife”.
I don’t disagree. At the same time, I’d be lying if I said the ulterior motive wasn’t there. When I was 30, I started searching for a church by which I could call home. I met with a Lutheran Pastor at a Starbucks and wasn’t too proud to admit this ulterior motive. At the end of our 4-hour conversation that was mostly about Lutheran beliefs, I playfully told him:
“Yeah, I am reluctant to attend your church because I’d be afraid of feeling like a hawk on a perch just looking for a beautiful girl.”
And he said, “hahaha! Yeah, that’s why I didn’t offer.”
When I was 32, just before COVID, I started attending a large church over in Safety Harbor. I did enjoy the service. I felt the pastors provided timely thought-provoking sermons that kept me focused on the message and not my ulterior motives.
However, when the service ended, because the church was so big…it felt like everyone was leaving a movie theater. Almost everyone had someone; there were couples and families. I tried making eye contact with parishioners to chat about the service, and they ignored me.
And the women? I saw some of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen! They were gorgeous. I saw some sitting by themselves. They were in shape, beautiful, and carried themselves well, classy. Everything I’d want in a wife.
But like I said…I have no idea how to approach her. I have no idea if she even wants to be approached.
In the video, I have the above set to jump to the 19:20 mark, it’s the first time I talk about my prior sexual harassment allegations while showing my face. This is important to mention, because very often, I’ll get advice from both men and women about how a Man should just have the confidence, pull out his courage, and approach a woman to talk to her, even if you don’t know her. This is called the Cold Approach.
I do not approach without some clear and undeniable indications that she wants me to approach. And it’s because of my prior allegations. This is no small thing. When you’re raised to be a White Knight, to protect and fight for women, to defend her from molesters and those who really do harass women…when I got accused of that, it really did change my life.
It took years to get over it. And even though the scars have healed (I’ve forgiven my accusers)…sad to say, I really do see every woman as a potential risk. It’s a risk of “making you feel uncomfortable,” or that initial look of disgust and caution, or the accusation of “harassing you”. Again, these might sound like small things to you…but to me, they are devastating. I’d rather get punched in the face than encounter the look of a woman shuddering at me as if I’ve just kidnapped her.
And so…because I honestly don’t know how to approach a beautiful woman if she isn’t giving me some indication that she’s even interested in me…I DON’T! And when I’m in a situation where I am surrounded by beautiful women but lack the strength and confidence to approach any of them…I feel like I missed out on some good opportunities, like I’ve failed when a good, decent, beautiful woman was right there!
“So you’re trying to tell me that you avoid going to church, where you might find a beautiful wife, because you’re too afraid of that feeling of failure, that feeling of missing out?”
Dude…we’re not talking about missing out on something like a concert or a band new car.
I’m talking about a potential wife. Where every day for the rest of my life, I’ll be waking up to the most beautiful woman in the world to me. Where I finally have a best friend who sees me as the number one amongst her friends. Where together, we’re prepared to stand in defiance against this rotten fucked up world, prepared to raise our children to give them the hope of everlasting life by teaching them the Gospels, steering them right, and preparing them to survive in this world while enjoying life’s blessings.
I’m talking about a constant source of encouragement and inspiration. Someone who loves me, who’s looking out for me and longs to take care of me, and I for her. I’m talking about something I’ve desired ever since I was at least sixteen. Something I’ve prayed for every night for years. For better or worse. Through sickness and in health. Forsaking all others. I don’t care about the problems or the difficulties we’ll face…as long as we have each other, sticking it out, that’s what I want!
Even if everything I’m saying right now is just a fantasy, and that this woman I’m describing doesn’t exist…I’m prepared to die with the belief that she does. So yeah…going to a place where I’m constantly feeling like I’m missing out on the opportunity to have all that…it’s torture.
“So then, what are you prepared to do to get that wife?”
I really need to do a video on this essay because it answers that question with greater power and conviction. When I lay out my fears and weaknesses…no matter how many times I try to explain, a lot of people just don’t understand. And I can’t expect them to. Perhaps, even I wouldn’t understand if I hadn’t experienced those allegations myself.
But perhaps ladies can also take comfort in knowing this truth about men like me. When you’re looking as good as you wanna look and guys still ain’t tryin to holler at you, it may not be because you’re ugly or we don’t want you. What do some ladies like to say, “Who hurt you?”
Well…never mind the “who” and simply recognize that these men have been hurt.
“Rock, no woman’s gonna want to be with a man who’s been hurt. Women value men for their strengths, not their weaknesses.”
Those statements are annoyingly short-sighted, my friends. I realized the odds are stacked against me…but God’s blessed me with a lot that’s working in my favor. So…patience it is.
Not to mention, all I’m asking for is a flipping INDICATION OF INTEREST! Something more than just this: