Stage In The Sky

As many of you know, this year didn’t start off the greatest. One of my most cherished cousins was murdered and if that wasn’t bad enough…the proceeding funeral events were almost as painful. 

When I came back to Tampa, I spent at least two weeks in unimaginable pain and anguish. To cope, I kept telling myself, “Rock, you’re not that important. You’re not that important. You don’t matter. No one cares about you. It’s just you.”  

That’s just a complex I have, where it’s more comfortable to stay nestled in the belief that I’m on my own. Here, you’d have the common response of, “But Rock. People do love you.” But what good is their love if they never express it? How do you benefit from their love and affection if they don’t show or demonstrate it? 

In the wake of that devastating funeral and the events that followed, I learned two powerful lessons. 1) How do you Demonstrate your love for God? And 2) How did you show God that He’s number one in your life?  

Allow me to explain. 

In December 2022, my world was rocked by the untimely murder of my 26-year-old cousin, Autumn. She and her 25-year-old sister Brandy (name given for this essay) were like baby sisters to me. Along with my mother, these three ladies are the most cherished individuals in my world. I love them more than anything else. 

I “demonstrated” my love for Autumn and Brandy through the many gifts I’ve sent. The many visits where I spent thousands to be there for events like graduations or to pay for Autumn’s wedding dress or to use my connections to help them out of legal situations. I never asked for anything in return. My feelings were never hurt because they never got me anything. It didn’t matter. It was my honor, my privilege. It brought me joy to be able to help and make them happy. 

Now, what I’m about to say is going to sound a little embarrassing…but it’s the truth and if it helps, I don’t mind revealing how truly weak and fragile I can be. 

During the funeral, I was a mess of anger and tears. Not exactly the epitome of strong masculinity. The 25-year-old Brandy arrived. Brandy and I have always been super close. Again, she’s one of the most cherished and important people in the world to me. 

When Brandy approached to give me a hug, I could feel her pull away from me. Like, it was by force. It was a quick abbreviated hug and at first, I didn’t think too much of it because we were both a mess. Not to mention, it was her sister in that casket. So, I understood and shrugged it off. 

But an hour later, when my 33-year-old little brother arrived at the hotel (he missed the funeral, so he’s all cool and unaffected)…Brandy and my little brother embraced for a hug next to me right there in the middle of the lobby. And dude, they hugged for a long time. I heard them giggling. It was a long-affectionate embrace.  

That, not gonna lie, it really hurt me. I was already emotionally destroyed from the funeral. So maybe, if this was some random Saturday afternoon, it wouldn’t have been a big deal. And definitely if it were any other cousin, I wouldn’t care one way or the other. But this was Brandy, someone who I thought loved and cherished me just as much as I cherished her. Someone who I thought I was important to. Because she was absolutely important to me. 

So now I’m thinking to myself, “Do they have a relationship that I don’t know about? Does she love him more than she loves me? Does she feel awkward about me that she’d pull away from me so quickly, yet has no problem holding onto my brother for a long time? Why does all of this bother me?”  

I know these sound like weird feelings to have for a cousin. But between that, and the actual funeral service where there was this slideshow displaying photos of my late cousin hanging out with other friends and family members, including my brothers…while I was left out and nowhere to be seen despite having done more and played a bigger part in Autumn’s life… 

Yeah, I came back to Tampa, telling myself over and over again, “Rock, you’re not that important. No one cares. You don’t matter.”  

The keyword there is “that” important. Meaning, I know people care about me. I know some people think I’m important. But compared to how they demonstrated their love for others, or other things they got going on…I’m nowhere near as important as I thought I was.  

It was a mighty long fall from that high opinion of myself. And instead of allowing myself to think that I matter so much again, I’d much rather stay down here and make myself a home. When people ask for my name, I’d want to tell them, “Insignificant.” Because that’s how I felt for weeks. Insignificant. 

I believe God saw, heard my prayers, and reached out to help. Within weeks, I joined this new church community and the first few sermons about Exodus and sacrificial love really allowed me to put things in perspective. It was just what I needed. I don’t mind pain and suffering if there’s a way I can benefit from it. 

For instance, the pain of a breakup can be channeled into motivation to hit the gym and improve yourself. The pain of losing my cousin, the jealousy of thinking Brandy loved my brother than me, or the feelings of being so insignificant and left out in a tribute…I believe God used this to teach me some unforgettable lessons. 

Given everything that happened, the sermons about Exodus opened my eyes to how God must have felt about the Israelites who he just brought out of Egypt. Here, we have God’s intervention where provided 10 Godly demonstrations of his power. He split the Red Sea. He provided Israel with manna six nights a week and used a column of fire to guide them throughout the night. God demonstrated his love for Israel time and time again, and yet they went after false gods. 

When it comes to the sermons about sacrificial love, I now understand but a hint of how painful it must be to sacrifice so much, to put up with so much, to demonstrate so much love and care for your people…only for them to give you a short, abbreviated hug on a Sunday, to pull away from you, and then see that person go on to hug and embrace something else with greater love and affection than you. 

To be clear, I’m not saying I’m God or knows how it feels to be God. But when He tells us to love Him with all our heart, mind, and strength, even when he admits that he’s a jealous God, I think he uses this language to be relatable to us humans. (Exodus 34:14) 

In Matt 6:33, it says, “Seek first the kingdom of heaven and all things will be added onto you.”  

The key there, is seek FIRST. God should come first. Not our wives. Not our families. Not our careers. Not our personal wants and desires. God should come first. This means that God should be the MOST important person in our lives. 

If you hug God only on Sundays while quickly pulling away because you want to go catch that football game, or because lunch starts at 12:30…how do you think God feels when you do that?  

If you “say” you love God but demonstrate a greater love for your fandom, your career, your sports team, or the other people you want to impress in your life…how do you think God feels about that? 

I’ve been guilty of this. I remember clenching my fist when I realize the lesson being given to me. I never want God to feel jealous because I’ve pulled away from him and went on to hug something else for far longer and with greater affection. God IS the most important person in the world to me and I’m determined to prove it every single day.  

I know some people would say that “God can read our hearts and knows what’s on our mind.” And there is the scripture about not proving yourself overly righteous so as to not bring yourself to ruin…” (Eccl 7:16) but I don’t care. 

I don’t ever want God to feel how I felt about my cousin who pulled away from me. Because it taught me another lesson. Something that makes greater sense. James 4:8 says, “Draw close to Him and he will draw close to you.”  

Way back before the murder, I had already made plans with Brandy that I would come and visit her in May 2023 for upcoming graduation. You know…because I thought we were close. 

After the funeral, Brandy and I talked on the phone almost every other day. I tried to be uplifting and expressed how much she is loved, how important she was to me, and even the embarrassing feelings of jealousy that came from her hugging my brother while she pulled away from me. To that, she claimed that it was actually my brother who wouldn’t let go of her. Doesn’t change what I saw and nor did it explain her pulling away from me. But, whatever. 

The thing is, throughout those many conversations, she hardly returned any words of affection. I’m a 36-year-old grown ass man. She’s a 25-year-old girl. It was starting to get very emasculating that I revealed so much while she remained so guarded and reserved.  

Again, I’m keeping in mind that she just lost her sister, so she was going through a lot herself. I get it. But I’m not God. I can’t read your heart and mind. If I tell you how much you mean to me and you say nothing in return, I’m going to think my personal affirmations are true. “I’m not that important. I don’t matter. No one cares.” 

Here, some people have told me in the past, “Well, Rock. The obvious solution is to tone down how much you love and care about the person. You need to stop caring as much as you do.” 

Ladies and gentlemen, the best way I know how to do that is to create some distance between us. To stay away from you. The love I have for you will never fade, but when it gets to the point that the love feels so one sided, I absolutely cannot be around you. I don’t want to think about you. (James 4:8) 

So, I ended up telling Brandy that I wanted to cancel my upcoming plans to visit for her graduation. At first, her response was the same reserved unaffected attitude I’ve been getting. She thanked me for letting her know.  

Then…hours later she unleashed this long emotional text talking about how angry she was with me for canceling. She said it was the one thing she was actually looking forward to and now she was hurt. She claimed that it felt like I was abandoning her. 

The next day we talked on the phone for three hours and I swear…this wasn’t some tactical move designed to illicit such an emotional response. To be honest, it seems to be the story of my life where ladies end up opening up and telling me exactly what I NEEDED to hear, only after I’m past the point where I’m ready to move on. It isn’t until I got one foot out the door that suddenly, they’re all, “Wa-wa-wa-wait!” 

She confessed that she didn’t say how she really felt because she doesn’t like to feel vulnerable with others. She finally opened up and expressed how much she loved me and how I’m one of the most important people in her life. She even said she wanted to quit college if I wasn’t going to be there when she walked across the stage.  

Seriously, I had no idea. I had to explain… “Darlin…when your 6’3, 225lb black man of a cousin is talking about how much he loves you, if I can be vulnerable with you as emasculating as it makes me feel because I’m a guy, you need to allow yourself to be a bit vulnerable with me. I’m not just anybody, am I? Because honestly, you almost lost me there.” (not for good, but at least for the foreseeable future)

Since then, our relationship has been considerably better. We’re much closer than before. I am coming to her graduation. And she’s sending me Instagram reels almost every other day. But here’s the lesson I learned as it relates to God.  

James 4:8 says, “Draw close to Him and he will draw close to you.” 

Matt 6:33 says, “Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven and all things will be added unto you.” 

These aren’t just conditions where God wants you to work and do for him before he does something for you. I think it makes perfect sense why God ends up blessing those who demonstrate their love for him.

After that 3-hour conversation where she finally opened up and demonstrated important I was to her, how much it meant to have me in her life, suddenly, I wanted to do more for her. I felt moved/compelled to help her out even more than I already have been.

God is a generous God, a God of abundance. He wants to do so much for us, almost the same way a millionaire wants to give back and donate to others. But out of all the people we end up helping, who do you think will be at the top of our list? Will it be those who don’t know us? Those who don’t like us? Those who hide how much they like us? Or will it be those who are open and passionate with how much they appreciate and love us?

Brandy, my cousin is a admirable person. This is a girl who has been through so much and has had so much on her plate. One of the gifts I plan on giving her for her graduation is enough money so she and her husband can go on a cruise. She talked about how she felt like she’s missing out on her 20s and wish she got the chance to travel more…so I figured a paid cruise could help with that. 

“Yeah and then you’ll get mad if she shows more love for someone else, other than you. Won’t you.” 

Wouldn’t you? Seriously, I know it’s easy to sit there and accuse me of being vain and self-centered, but ask yourself how you would feel if they not only showed someone else more love, but the love they gave you was brief, restrained, and you could feel them wanting to get away from you. 

“Well, why did she pull away from you? Did you ever learn that?”  

Because she was a wreck from having just seen her sister in the casket, as I suspected. Maybe I should’ve done like my brother and held onto her as she tried to pull away from me?…Yeah, I would never do that. If you don’t know why, then you clearly don’t know what I’ve been through. 

Secondly, the main reason why I’m willing to do this for her and not some random cousin is because I am convinced that she has a greater love for me, that our bond is strong and significant.  

It’s my opinion that our relationship with God works in a similar fashion. I believe the reason why I’ve been blessed with so much, I’ve come so far ever since I read the entire Bible, was because I’ve demonstrated how important God is to me. I have sacrificed a lot in this world in choosing to obey his commandments over the ways of the world. 

I don’t just pull away from God. I don’t leave him out of other aspects of my life. I endeavor to consider him in all things. I pray and confess everything. I ask for his guidance and wisdom, praying that his will be done first and foremost because my love for God is first and foremost. I believe God sees this, he sees me clinging to him and as such, he has taken care of me. He’s given me gifts.  

And even though I feel like I’m not that important when it comes to humans…with God I have no doubt that I am important. I don’t doubt for a second that he loves me. With Him, I am never disappointed. And because I trust Him, even when I fall on hard times I eventually smile and look for the lesson I’m supposed to learn.  

Anyways…I thought I’d share.