Recently, news broke about a 63-year-old Pastor out of Iowa who married an 18-year-old woman after her birthday. People are outraged. They’re saying this is wrong. And yet…something seems odd here. For some reason, I find the reactions more interesting than the Pastor and his young Bride.
This isn’t the first time in recent memory that I saw a story of an older man marrying a just-now-legal woman. Last October, a 61-year-old man married his 18-year-old goddaughter.
Again, outrage ensued. The general complaint was, this is an “older man preying on young, naïve, and inexperienced” girls.
“That’s because it’s disgusting. It’s creepy. Who cares what the law says, it’s just wrong! Right, Rock? …Rock?”
Let’s take it back to 2009. Remember? “Tolerance and Acceptance” for alternative lifestyles were all the rage. We had shows like “Glee” and “Modern Family” normalizing those who were “different,” to help break down traditional norms and get America to get used to a newer, “better” world where everyone is loved and accepted for just being who they are, no matter what they are.
Sounds awesome, right? I mean, “whatever happens in the comfort of your own home is nobody’s business. They are two consenting adults. It’s just love! Why are you standing in the way of love?” That’s what I used to hear all the time. And honestly…I used to agree with those sentiments, before I learned what God says on the matter.
The thing is…how is “Tolerance and Acceptance” going to work in a nation made up of hundreds of cultures? What’s “right” to you and your culture may be “wrong” to me and my culture. So, what are you gonna to do? Shame me for thinking the way I think? Claim I’m wrong for wanting what I want? You think your culture’s better than mine? You think what you want is more important than what I want?
In the case of 63-year-old Pastor Dwight Reed out of Iowa…I’m gonna be talking mainly to the black community with this one. There’s a “Change.org” petition to get the story picked up by national newspapers with over 4,000 signatures asking for the DA to investigate him.
Most of the opinions are about what you’d expect. “Ew! Gross! He’s way too old! He’s basically a predator that preyed on her because she had to have been younger when he first started courting her. This is disturbing behavior. She’s way too young and inexperienced to know better. He’s taking advantage of her. He was just grooming her to be his wife while she was still young. Men just want to control women!”
To add more context about this pastor, apparently, he’s been married and divorced 3 times. If you’ve read my essays about “divorce” then you know that I share the Lord’s heavy disapproval of it unless “adultery” happened in all three marriages. But even then, I don’t think he should be the pastor of a congregation. The Apostle Paul gave qualifications about the kind of man who should be leading the flock. (Titus 1:5-16)
But all that aside…when it comes to marrying this 18/19-year-old woman, unless an investigation does expose how he engaged in statutory acts before her 18th birthday…I’m sorry, but the Pastor isn’t wrong. Yes, I think it’s creepy. But he didn’t break any laws. The woman is of legal age to give consent.
I mentioned this on a Youtube video about it and was immediately hit with the classic, “So, what if it was your daughter?”
I responded with, “If my 18/19-year-old Daughter married a 60-year-old, I’d take it as a sign that I messed up as a father. Because my influence and being in her life should’ve prevented her from going that route. But if I don’t take an active part in her life, if I have a horrible relationship with my daughter, I may not like it, but as a “consenting adult” she’s free to do what she wants.”
Also, I can tell you this…and it might sting a little. If I had a daughter, I’d much rather her be married to a 60-year-old at the age of 18, than be in her 40s, 50s, and 60s single and childless. I know…there are some single women who find fulfillment and happiness beyond their childbearing years. But overall…I suspect there’s a great deal of pain, sadness, and regret unless she’s found Christ and has the faith to keep her head up, seeking first the kingdom of heaven. I say that as a single man who himself seeks the kingdom of heaven…yet occasionally feels that pain, sadness and, not regret, but loneliness.
“But Rock, some things don’t need to be against the law to be morally wrong.”
There are plenty of things/practices/behaviors that are legal…but I think they’re morally wrong (like abortion). This brings us back to my initial point about tolerance and acceptance. Clearly, it was morally right to the couple involved. If you think it’s morally wrong…based on what?
For instance, I can articulate in full detail why the hook-up culture is morally wrong (and stupid). I can debate it on an intellectual level, on a macro level, on a societal level, and most importantly on a Biblical level. Meaning, I believe it’s morally wrong because God deems it to be morally wrong.
“Well, how about we all agree that a 60-something old man marrying a barely legal girl is wrong. Can’t we agree on that?”
Why? Consider what’s going on in Black Culture right now (or the past 30 years). Over 70% of black children being born outside of wedlock. The widespread single-parent households.
Tell me, what’s better for the girl? Getting with someone her own age and conceiving a child outside of wedlock? Or getting married to a much older man and having children with him? Believe it or not, your answer speaks volumes to the kind of person you are. Because if you think having a child with someone her own age out of wedlock is better, I suspect it’s likely along the lines of, “at least she’s still free to find someone else to love and have fun and experience life. Better that, than being tied down to a man you end up not liking.”
What about the children? What’s better for them? Check out this sistah who bold-face tells Steve Harvey that she’s ready to have a child but doesn’t want to be married.
“But, Rock. He’s likely to die soon. So it’s not like he’s going to be around.”
As if Pookie and Ray-Ray are around for their baby-mommas.
“Wow, Rock. Are you really defending this pastor?”
It’s more of an attack, really. One thing I hate about this modern world is that we think we know so much better than our ancestors about how things should be. We have more “knowledge” than our ancestors, yes, but without the wisdom…we’re a bunch of idiots. Anyone looking at Transgenders competing against Women in sports can clearly see that they have an advantage over the women, but we’re supposed to pretend that our own logic is deceiving us.
But also…there’s something else I need to address here. Why do you think a 60-year-old man would want to marry an 18-year-old? I don’t believe for a second that this has anything to do with pedophilia, though that is an issue that’s getting worse if we don’t put an effing stop to it.
One of the main arguments is that, “Oh, he’s just looking for someone he can control!”
Ladies…I know any semblance of a man wanting to control a woman sounds misogynistic and oppressive. And maybe that’s why a lot of women say they’re open to men who are “spiritual” but not “religious”. Because a Christian man knows that he’s supposed to be the head of his household. (1 Peter 3:7) Meaning he’s responsible. Husbands are to love and honor their wives with understanding, but wives are to “submit to their husbands.”
So…if by “control” you mean, a woman who listens to me and follows my lead…Yes. This is what I’m looking for in my future wife. Doesn’t mean I want a “slave,” as some are quick to exaggerate. Don’t worry, I break it down here, for those who are seeing red right now.
In the video below, a Woman complains about men going after younger women because, as she put it, an older more experienced woman isn’t going to put up with a man’s “BS”.
So, let’s say that’s true. Let’s say it’s true that the more experienced a woman is, the more likely it is that she won’t “put up” with a man’s BS…while the younger more inexperienced woman is more likely to put up with our BS. Doesn’t that sound like a no-brainer? Or is the lady suggesting that men en- masse have a lot of BS and we should change…to then be more compatible to older women? Because that’s what men generally want…older and experienced…over youth, beauty, and fertility. You see how silly that sounds?
Just as women are free to have preferences, to pick and choose the kind of man they want. Men have that same freedom. No matter how much we’re scolded and shamed for wanting what we want…it’s not going to change. I already mentioned it in this essay, where a man straight up said he’s not looking for a “strong and independent woman” and the audience of “the Real” looked at him like he was crazy.
So, when I see this pastor marrying an 18-year-old…it’s not surprising to me. Right now, the tacit statement I see given to Men, particularly Black Men is “shut up, take what we give you, and be damn grateful you’re getting anything at all.”
If you like fit women who are in shape, NOPE! We’re big and beautiful, so take that. If I’m the type who likes cutesy, adorable, lovey-dovey affectionate women. NOPE! We have sass, attitude, fierce. SLAY QUEEN SLAY!
Now obviously, there’s greater diversity of personalities. Not all women fit just those two stereotypes. The point is…if you aren’t what I’m looking for and you don’t want to be what I’m looking for…doesn’t it make sense for me to look somewhere else? On this, it’s not just a black thing, or a young and old thing, but more and more men are openly encouraging men of all races to look for a bride overseas.
I don’t know this 63-year-old pastor personally…but since the dawn of antiquity, men of all ages have always been attracted to a woman’s youth, beauty, and fertility. ALWAYS! And if you’re only argument against an old man marrying an 18-year-old is “we as a community don’t like it.”
That’s not gonna fly with me. Why? Because the morality of the community’s culture is effed up! It’d be one thing if the culture promoted decent, good and moral lives so you had something to grandstand on.
It’s not just black female celebrities promoting wicked immoral lifestyles, but men do it too. I’ve been speaking out about the detrimental effect of gangsta rappers and hip hop culture for years. My point being, is that our Mainstream culture is pushing tolerance and acceptance for all kinds of practices that God disapproves of…ironically, while getting tattoos of Christian crosses and touting “only God can judge me.”
“But Rock! He was married three times and divorced. Unless adultery was involved, then by your lord and savior’s own lips…he’s committing adultery by marrying another woman.”
Agreed. Now let’s say he’s never been married before. Would you still have a problem with him marrying an 18-year-old?
“I’m saying though, why can’t he marry someone his own age?!”
We can go in circles with this but suffice to say…I suspect jealousy is involved. Jealousy, and a resentment that despite mainstream culture’s best efforts to break down traditions and get us Men to conform and accept just anything…Men are still men. I know, movies, TV shows, and commercials would have you believe most of us are changing to conform to the times…and maybe most have…but I haven’t.
“But Rock! He’s taking advantage of that girl. She’s not old enough to know what she wants out of life. She doesn’t have the experience!”
Maybe…but help me with this: For a good year or so, I’ve seen the mainstream progressive left push the idea that children can decide for themselves what gender they want to be…where do you stand on that? That a six-year-old can decide for herself that she wants to be a boy, and then undergo treatments that will effect her the rest of her life.
In the above excerpt, Delano Squires lists the many beliefs of the Democratic Party. A party where 91% of black women vote for them. So with all due respect, I’m having a hard time believing the concern for a woman’s future is genuine…or at the very least, in the right place. Meaning, do we really have their “best interest” at heart? Not what our wicked mainstream society wants for her, not even what she may want for herself because it may be bad, but what’s right for her according to our Heavenly Father. If you haven’t gathered by now, that is my standard for what’s right and wrong.
If we care so much about protecting our girls, why aren’t we providing them with a loving, strong father who’s living in the house with them, a father who’s watching over them as they grow up and providing them with strength and guidance? Recall, the woman who wants a child but not be married. You think she cares more about protecting “black girls” or pleasing herself?
In this video, a woman was kind enough to be honest and admit that she truly believes the Black Woman is more important than the Black Community. How can we protect black girls if there is no community?
If players and thugs are the issue, why aren’t we protecting our girls by teaching them not to value the Nick Cannons, Chris Browns, and NBA Youngboys of the world? Why aren’t we teaching them to wait until marriage to have sex? Honestly, how many times do we have to hear of a woman who has sex with a man she loves…only for that man to spurn her advances for marriage. If this happens time and time again, why aren’t we doing our damnest to warn them?
And if we care so much about our girls, why aren’t we telling them the truth. That the world isn’t one big fantasy where you can do whatever you want, live however you want, and everyone must love, accept, and pine after you regardless? Why aren’t we telling them the truth about fitness and beauty, however subjective it may be.
Why aren’t we teaching them the consequences of their choices? If you choose to prioritize career and education over getting married, there are risks and rewards to this decision…too many only hear of the rewards…hardly the risks.
Last year, I got into a heated argument with my new stepmother about Lizzo. My stepmother stood on the mantra of, “I believe everyone should do whatever they want if it makes them happy. I’m glad Lizzo’s out there dancing the way she wants. She’s showing other women no matter how big they are that they can do the same.”
So, if an 18-year-old wants to marry a 63-year-old…what’s the problem? She’s doing what she wants?
“But, Rock. She’s not old enough. She doesn’t know what she wants.”
By this line of argument, you’re basically implying, “Everyone should do whatever they want if it makes them happy…unless it’s something me and my ilk disapprove of. Because we think it’s wrong, you should think it’s wrong too.”
I talked to my mother about this essay yesterday. She blamed the men for giving up their power and “control”. As a Christian, she knows that men are supposed to be the leaders. That men should have had the courage to say “no” when it came to relinquishing their power and allowing women to dictate the rules. Again, I know that sounds sexist and misogynistic, but as much as people want to shout and scream about this supposed “Patriarchy”…the Patriarchy is in God’s order. Men are supposed to be the ones leading.
When Adam and Eve ate from the fruit of the forbidden tree, God didn’t go to Eve and ask “what have you done?” He went to Adam. It was Adam who he warned, you must not eat from the tree or else you will die. (Gen 2:16-17). So when Eve bought into Satan’s lies and ate from the tree, it was Adam’s responsibility to tell her “no”. But he didn’t. Just like the Men today.
On that, I do agree with my mother. We men are to blame. At the same time, I can’t deny that there do exist men like myself who strive to put God first and much as it is my greatest hope and desire to have a family and raise children to contribute in offsetting the wicked who pervert God’s word…it hinges on finding a woman who’s young, beautiful, fertile and strives to put God first as well.
When I tried online dating last year, I put on my profile that I am a Christian living by Christ’s standards. I matched with many beautiful black ladies who purported to be Christians as well. But when asked questions like: “If the world says it’s okay to live a certain lifestyle and even has parades for it, but the Bible calls the lifestyle an abomination, which way do you sway?”
One answer was, “I have friends who are homosexuals and I don’t feel the need to shove my beliefs down their throats. You seem more conservative in your views, so I don’t think we’d be compatible.”
This woman was 26. She’s not entirely wrong and I think she has a good heart, she’s just on her journey and not quite there yet. But as an intellectual, I find it most disturbing that she didn’t start with, “I sway the Bible’s way…” and then follow up with all that other stuff, that I essentially agree with. Why was it so important for her to point out that she has homosexual friends? Does she think I’m the type to shove beliefs down people’s throats unsolicited?
I suspect she did. I suspect that she and a lot of women like her…they are more concerned that getting with a man like me would signal the end of their “fun and freedom,” the end of doing whatever they want just because it makes them happy.
My point being…as much as it is on us men to lead and take responsibility, saying “no” when it calls for it…if the women aren’t choosing us, and instead go for those who are looser with their morals, those who don’t have the courage and faith to say no, those who are “convenient Christians,” the types to pick and choose which scriptures to live by while rejecting others…what’s a man to do…but seek out a woman who hasn’t been corrupted yet? Perhaps, someone who’s so young that they could be “groomed” to be a good wife?
When you reject the scriptures and essentially become your own gods, this is a rebellion, a rebellion I’d respect if the intentions were righteous, but I don’t believe they are. I say that, because I’m a rebel too. I rebel against this wicked society and my convictions are strong to the point that I find death glorious so long as I endure to the end striving to put God first. My rewards will be great, as Jesus Christ preached.
What will be your reward? Perhaps you’re receiving it now? How long will it last? Will it be worth it?
In conclusion…When it comes to this geriatric man marrying a barely legal woman, I do hope they find happiness and it’s to “death do us part”. Everyone who has a problem with it, I hope you have a stronger problem with all the immoral crap the black community is plagued with. Problem is a lot of people don’t. I’ll leave you with this string of comments from the Youtube Video
I definitely don’t think a man that’s emotionally mature with a sound mind, secure in himself and has the right motives wants a woman decades younger than him.
However, it could be argued that technically it is legal. True.
Okay. I’m sad for the girl. She may not have had the right healthy relationship with her earthly father. I think some men want youthful beauty on their arm to make themselves look good and to feel good about themselves.
If men are attracted to fertility and youth, in many cases it would not be for the right reason, since many of them are sperm donors who abandon and neglect and abuse their children and the woman anyhow. It is not wise for her to marry a man who may likely be dead before her child is 10 years old. It is just the truth and reality. I’m not saying it’s wrong. I’m talking about wisdom.
Many women are attracted by what they hear, are captivated by words. When women are young, they are typically naive and add to that any kind of father wounds and a woman could end up in a situation like this.
If this is the case, it is not healthy. So technically, while legal it could still not be the right thing for her.
So motive here is key. That said, technically no, it’s not illegal since she is an adult, but I do believe something is VERY wrong with the dynamics.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sorry I’m just now approving this. For some reason, it got caught in the Spam folder.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for the provocative post. Hopefully, you’ll reel in a lot of people to reconsider many things about sex and marriage.
P.S. You know, you can’t unsee that Lizzo picture. Ugh.
LikeLiked by 1 person
hahaha! sorry bout that man. Not many choice pics to choose from when it comes to her.
I think my comment may be in your spam folder.
thanks for the heads up. That’s weird. Yours and another woman’s was in the spam folder. Sorry about that.
You seem to be on the cutting edge of all the scandalous news events happening in the black community and church. We are so removed from that stuff that I only run across it in the occasional article such as this one. Our general take is that the overall zeitgeist of the black church leaves a lot to be desired theologically, from the music to most of the sermons, so we cut our losses a while back. Appreciate the inside peak, though! 🙂
My general take on this specific story is that -with the exception of your point about the young woman having children in wedlock- this is going to end badly for almost any 60+ men. with a wife more than 30 years his junior. They are at more risk of hearthbreak than the young women are. It is rare the man who enters his 70s without experiencing drastic turns on health markers. And there will be their 20-something year old wife, young and vibrant and no doubt frustrated on multiple levels with having a grandfatherly husband. I’m not averse to May-December marriages, but I think one generation (18-20 years) is about the maximum where the man and woman can manage to have a relatively long and happy marriage.
To the greater theme of your post, you’re right that the whole “do what you want, no such thing as right or wrong” immediately undercuts any objections people have to these men marrying these recently adult women. What is a woman, anyway? And if we’re excusing pedophilia and bashing anyone who tries to stop the stealing of childhood innocence, then how do we explain any aversion to this? It’s not coherent.
As for the 91% of black women voting democrat, you’re right, and it’s abhorrent. But so is the fact that 75% of black men vote democrat. Of course, black women vote in much larger numbers, so they do much greater damage with their votes.
Lots of thoughts about the Kevin Samuels clip, but no time. Love the Delano Squires clip, but I usually do like what he has to say.
Good job provoking thoughts.
LikeLiked by 1 person