I just turned 35 yesterday, making me a thirty-five-year-old virgin. I don’t say that out of shame or embarrassment. But rather…this is to explain for people who look at me, hear that I’m a virgin…and they just don’t believe it.
Recently, I made up my mind to try online dating again. If you do a quick search, I’m sure you’ll find an essay from years ago where I adamantly refused to do it again after trying it in 2014 and found that it prompted a whole host of negative effects in me. Such as effecting my respect for women, distorting my self-worth, and taking up too much of my time and thoughts.
Pragmatically, however, I’ve concluded that with the way culture is right now, the hope or idea of me meeting someone organically…it’s not likely. I’m terrible at identifying “choosing signals,” I can’t tell the difference between shyness or fear so I stay away from both, and I don’t put myself out there. I’m not the kind of guy who takes up activities or goes to events with the main objective of finding someone. So to online dating, I’ll go.
While making up my mind to do this, I’ve asked people, men and women for their advice. Goes without saying, I’m a very different man from the 28-year-old I used to be. I have a greater understanding of the culture, I have more Red-Pilled Knowledge from other men’s experiences…and more importantly, I’m a committed Christian who’s read the entire Bible and believes in it.
But one thing constantly struck me when I talked to people, particularly women. When I say I’m a virgin, their jaws drop. They’re shocked and find it hard to believe. And usually, their first response isn’t “why”…it’s “how?!”…as if I avoided getting wet while walking through a torrential downpour with no umbrella.
So…I’m writing this brief essay with a hypothetical conversation in mind. In my dating profile, I plan to be upfront about the fact that I am a Virgin who’s waiting until marriage to have sex. This is a tactical strategy. I told one female friend who said, “Well, you’re probably not going to get a lot of matches then.” and my response was, “Yep. That’s the point. I’m not looking for a hook-up and I think them knowing that up front would save us a lot of time.” (I’m a busy man).
So, I imagine sitting across the table from my date as she stares at me with a skeptic gaze. And somewhere during the conversation, she says this: “I don’t believe you really are a virgin.” This is what I would tell her:
Gonna choose to take it as a compliment. Perhaps if I explained why I’m a virgin, it might make a whole lot of sense and you’ll be more willing to believe it.
So, we’re both Christians. This means, not only do we believe Jesus Christ is the son of God, but that the Bible is the Word of God. So if the Bible tells us that something is an abomination, I should too. If the Bible says that sex should be for marriage, I should too. But I get it. People make mistakes and once upon a time, I wasn’t nearly as religious as I am now.
Back in 2007, I was 21 and I friggin hated religion. Like, I hated it. I didn’t even want to pick up the Bible thanks to a whole bunch of crap I had to deal with growing up. But just because I hated religion, it didn’t mean I hated God. My problem wasn’t with God or Jesus Chris, it was with religion and how people used it.
That being said, back in 2007, I missed the Memorial of Jesus Christ. Long story short, Jehovah Witnesses have this tradition where every year, they celebrate the death of Jesus Christ with the wine and bread. It’s basically communion, except they don’t partake of the food or drink, and they do this at sundown on a specific day.
Now, I’m not a Jehovah’s Witness. And even though I was fed up religion, I have to say, that’s one tradition I truly respected and felt it was worthy of honor. And I missed it. So I just remember feeling this terrible guilt about it. I prayed. And I didn’t pray often back then, but on that day sometime in July of 2007, I prayed for forgiveness. And I told God, “If you forgive me, I swear to remain a virgin until I get married.”
I know, you’re laughing about it now, but if you saw me back in 2007…let’s just say you wouldn’t doubt that I was a virgin back then. And that’s kind of why I made that vow in the first place. I thought it be easy to keep. No sense of foresight at all. Back then, I weighed 378lbs. I had unkempt Jeri curls. I used to wear this big ugly vest because I had man boobs. I thought I was this ugly monster who no one wanted so yeah, I thought it’d be easy.
It’s like if you lived in New York City where everyone traveled by subway, and you made vow never to drive a car until marriage. If you stay in the city, it should be easy. At least, easier than if you lived in Atlanta.
So…fast-forward four years later. By working out and portion control, I was able to get down to 220. As you can imagine…being a virgin suddenly became ten times tougher.
And here’s the deal…even when I lost all that weight, I still wasn’t super religious. I was like a lot of people, “Oh, I’m a Christian, but not religious”…which really just means you don’t live Bible standards. Because in a lot of cases, people don’t even know what those standards are. I really didn’t know what was right or wrong other than what I heard secondhand.
So…lol, when I heard about this thing called the “Hook-Up Culture”…let’s be honest, people have been having casual sex and sleeping around like it was nothing since the 60s, but maybe it’s just my naïve inexperience, I just never knew it was so widespread. Like, when you hear girls complain about how “If Men can do it, why can’t women…” I honestly thought they were talking about the bad men. Players. Cheaters. Not all men, but only a certain type of man.
So to hear that most in our generation was so cool, open and accepting of the hook-up culture, that they embraced the player/slut lifestyle so much so that it’d be hypocritical for anyone to use those terms…I was a little shocked. I know. It sounds really stupid and shows how much I really knew about the world. Like it was this un-kept secret that everyone but myself knew about.
I remember I was 24 (2010) when I first heard about it. An older black colleague was telling me about the Hook-Up Culture and this notion of “dating around” vs “dating exclusively.” He was like, “It’s okay to date around and sleep with multiple partners, as long as you’re up front about the fact that you’re not in an exclusive relationship with them.”
When he first told me that, even before I was religious, I knew…Everything in my soul was screaming, “This is the dumbest thing I ever heard of. Like, women are cool with this? Is that what they do? This so fucking stupid. It’s ridiculous. Long-term, how will that play out?”
Again, I couldn’t articulate why those were my initial thoughts. I just know that was my reaction. And sadly, as I got older, more and more I was seeing how he wasn’t exactly wrong. Sex seemed to be at the forefront of every relationship I got into. It was the carrot to the stick of the modern relationship, the prerequisite to marriage. The complete opposite of how I was raised.
Even with a future Christian female who wasn’t a virgin, she told me, “Yeah, having sex before marriage is important. How do you know if the guy isn’t doing it for you if you only have sex after you get married? If it isn’t fulfilling, it can ruin your marriage.”
And of course, I’m thinking to myself, “that’s a strong reason for everyone to wait. If you never had sex to begin with, there’s nothing to compare it to.” …but maybe I’m wrong. It’s not like I’d know.
At the age of 27, after years of dancing with different women, getting a feel for them as to whether or not they’re worth committing to, one woman struck my fancy and we moved fast. I call her Alice for these essays. She made the first move by wishing me a happy birthday and I took it from there. She was smoking hot. I didn’t care that she was a single mother. Our chemistry, everything just worked. She was amazing and even after we broke up, you’ll never hear me talk bad about any of my exes…which I pride myself on. I tell people, “Nope, got nothing terribly bad to say about my exes because I only date good people.” (yes, this is a subtle jab at people for making bad choices)
But while I was dating Alice…again, this is before I picked up the Bible…I was beginning to waiver on that vow I made at 21. My vow was to wait until marriage to have sex. With Alice, I believe I told her that I was waiting “until I was in love with the woman before I had sex.”
See what I did there. You could say I was lying…but you’d only be half correct. I’d be lying to God, but not to her. Truth was, if I gotten to the point where I could say without a shadow of doubt that I was in love with her, I was willing to give Alice my virginity.
“Rock, why are you telling me all this. Don’t you think if you’re upfront about everything, you’re kinda ruining the magic of having me find out things about you on my own?”
I’ve heard this advice before. That girls like the thrill and intrigue of peeling back of the layers on their own. The thing is…people are deep. I’m giving you but one excerpt from the entire encyclopedia that is my life. You’re getting breadcrumbs about the kind of person I am. I’m intentionally telling you things I want you to know about me because like my profile suggests, I don’t like wasting time.
And no, that doesn’t mean I’m in a rush to get married or in your pants or move on to another woman…I really am just a busy man. This date is but a few hours of spare time that I have in the week and I’m sacrificing other projects to be here with you. So far, I think it’s worth it.
“Okay, go on. Tell me more.” (for the record, I wouldn’t be so detailed like this in real life conversation. She’d likely cut me off at multiple parts and I’d let her speak, not continuing on the topic unless she asks me to)
So, like I was saying. I was willing to give Alice my virginity. I had actually fallen in love with her and even told her…but then, things happened, and we ended up breaking up soon after. No, it wasn’t because I told her I loved her, trust me. It was the issue of her daughter’s behavior and the resulting argument. So…just didn’t work out.
So, that’s age 27. Virginity still intact. How did I go from then to 35, still remaining a virgin? Lol, I really do give God a lot of credit. I don’t want to brag, but He really did bless me with a lot of strength, wisdom, and patience. There were plenty of opportunities to lose my virginity, and with each encounter, it took a ridiculous amount of strength to get up and leave the situation.
Strength, Patience, and Wisdom. All three things I started praying for everyday when I was 28. And that’s when my older brother hit me with, “Rock, it’s good that you’re talking to God again. But wouldn’t you like it if God talked to you?”
Now, like a lot of people, I’m a believer in the notion that sometimes God does talk to you through other people. But what my brother was getting at, was that I should start reading the Bible. I was so reluctant and a bit afraid. Not of the truth, but the pain of rehashing the angst and resentment from my upbringing and religion in general.
But I did. I picked up the Bible and started reading. It took me two years of reading two to three chapters every night before I was able to finish it, cover to cover. And dude…it changed my life. My eyes were opened. So much going on in the world right now. The whole tolerance and acceptance movements. The attempt to breakdown traditional roles and gender roles. Everything I knew about what was right and wrong was dictated by popular opinion until I read the Bible.
And when it came to my virginity…let’s just say reading the Bible strengthened my resolve to remain a virgin. Not only because the Bible explicitly says that sex should only be within marriage (1st Corinthians Chapter 7), not only because the Bible explicitly says sexual immorality, fornicators, and adulterers have no place in the Kingdom of Heaven (1st Corinthians Chapter 6)…but also because I learned more about God’s character.
I had no idea what I was doing when I made the vow and swore to God…but now that I did, and now that I know the significance of what I did…I intend to keep that vow on pain of death. Swearing and making oaths to other humans is strong enough, but to make a vow to God, is definitely one word a man should keep. And two Biblical examples gave me the greatest source of strength.
The first was in the Book of Judges, a warrior judge named Jephthah. Before this huge battle, Jephthah made a vow to God that he’d sacrifice the first person that came out of his house if he won the battle. Scripture doesn’t record “why” he made this vow. Only that he did. And after he won the battle and came home…the first person out of his house was his daughter. Jephthah was horrified. He let his daughter enjoy just one more moment of fun before he kept his vow and sacrificed his daughter.
My takeaway from that is how important it is to keep the vows you make and to not be so foolish as to make a vow about just anything. Now, I had already made my vow at 21. Didn’t know what I was getting myself into or how difficult it would be to keep my virginity. But compared to killing your beloved daughter…I’m thinking it’s easier to just keep your virginity.
The second source of strength in keeping the vow is Hannah. Hannah was the mother of Samuel, this is the highly influential prophet who went on to anoint David as the future king of Israel. Hannah had a problem because she wasn’t able to produce a child for her husband. Her husband had two wives and the other wife had produced a son and was taunting Hannah, belittling her for being barren.
So, Hannah prayed to God during a temple visit and swore that if she produced a son, she’d give him over to God. God heard her prayer and blessed her with Samuel. As much as you know she wanted to keep her son, she honored her vow and handed Samuel over to priests to be raised in the temple. And God rewarded her by blessing her with more children.
Now, I’m not sure if I’ll be rewarded the same way. I don’t have that entitlement. But what the story tells me is that God understands and has compassion. Jesus Chris said, “seek first the kingdom of heaven and all things will be added onto you.” At Matt 6:26, he taught that God provides for the birds of the air. We’re way more precious to God than the birds, so we should know that God will provide for us as well.
And when it comes to “how come he hasn’t provided already?” it could be because I wasn’t ready for it. For me to pray for a beautiful wife who endeavors to do what’s good in God’s eyes…why would God bless such a woman with a man who’s rotten and undeserving of her. As much as I “claimed” I wanted a wife or a girlfriend, it could’ve been that God knows me better than I know myself. More than likely, he spared me from a lot of hardship, stress, and temptation until he thinks I’m ready. You never know.
Well…hopefully that explains why I’m still a virgin at 35. I’m not lying. I don’t tell people to shame them. But it’s important for me to keep that vow…which means I will. And of course, there’s even more personal reasons why I want to wait, like the importance of providing my future children with a stable mom and dad in the house…but I’ll get even deeper with later. I’ll let you “peel back the layers” on that one.
I wish more people thought like you. The hook up society is very unappealing to me and so I have just been focusing on other parts of my life. I wish I knew better than getting sucked in to society’s beliefs when I was younger because it would have saved me and others a lot of heartache. Even now in my fifties I have friends that tell me I should get a friend with benefits. That just doesn’t feel right to me and I don’t understand how people can do it but to each their own I guess. I did go four and a half years celibate and then I met someone I really liked but it turned into a disaster not only because of sex, but that was what started the problem of a very toxic relationship. Kudos to you and I hope many people read this because maybe it will influence them.
Thank you for your comment and insight! I hope many people read your thoughts on the issue as well.
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I’ve never understood why people should find someone’s virgin status shameful or shocking, even if they are well into their 30s. I was a virgin for a pretty long time, less for religious reasons and more because I hadn’t met the right person that I could really trust and I really didn’t feel comfortable or even want to have sex before that point. There were downsides to waiting so long (it gave me very unrealistic expectations), but I still feel like it was the right decision for me to wait, because I just never would have felt comfortable losing my virginity when I was younger.
Dating is hard. It’s really hard to meet the right person. Good luck with it