This one goes out to all the ladies who are strong and independent and they think that Men are too “intimidated” by them. Don’t worry…I believe you.
In the above video, I provide a suggestion. This is coming from a man who’s always been the biggest dude in class since elementary school. For most of my life, I’ve also been a bit “intimidating” to others. When I was 15, I looked like I was 21.
And while there are some guys who revel in the fact that people fear them, that people take extra caution not to offend or disrespect them…there are big men like me who actually want people to feel comfortable around us. I know. Crazy, right?
What I mean by that is, when we enter a room, whether it’s a classroom, office, party, or hang out…we can sense that people are on edge around us because they don’t know us, and our default expression has us looking like we’re just one shoulder bump away from whoppin’ everybody’s ass.
When we sense this, Men like me smile more. We chuckle and laugh at jokes (even lame ones). We’re nicer and more friendly than probably anyone else in the room. It’s all to make people feel more comfortable around us.
We don’t have to. We could say “Hey! Ya’ll need to be more confident and secure about who you are, to be comfortable around ME!” or…OR…I can have compassion, recognize that I am indeed 6’3, 230lbs, so yeah, it makes sense why people might have some trepidation at first. So, I smile and I’m more gregarious. And you can tell that people appreciate it. The results are immediate.
This has served me well throughout most of my life, not just socially, but also professionally with work and opening the door to amazing opportunities. My bosses love me. I just joined a church group a few months ago and already, I’ve been invited to dinners, birthday parties, school plays, a hatchet throwing event, and I just played pickle ball for the first time last Saturday. But they’re comfortable around me and they like having me there, despite intimidating physique.
Honestly, I often take for granted the number of times I hear the compliment of people asking, “Is Rock gonna be there?” They don’t say that for just anyone and it wasn’t till an aunt pointed it out that I even realized how awesome it is that people specifically want me there.
My point is, you can criticize men and demand that they change for you…or, you can recognize the effect that you have on people and put in a little effort to make THEM feel more comfortable around you. You don’t have to. You might even think that you shouldn’t, that men should just traditionally be more confident and secure in who they are. Sure.
But, how’s that working for you? Is it getting you the desired results? I WANTED people to feel comfortable around me. I WANTED people to have a good time. I worked to get what I WANTED.
Plainly put, the essence of everything I’m saying requires you to think about “what the other person would want in a spouse” and are you willing to do that for them.
Don’t worry! I’m not saying you should change who you are. I’m just suggesting a little compassion and understanding can do a world of good. Because very often, when women say things like, “Men are intimidated by our level of success, the fact that we can buy our own things, we have our degrees, we own our business, we’ve traveled the world, and we’re assertive to get what we want out of life…”
It doesn’t sound like they care about men. It sounds like they’re bragging, as if to sneer at men like rich people from up in their ivory towers looking down at us groveling peasants. When have you ever seen a man be uplifted and encouraged by talking about him as if he “ain’t ish”?
I used to tell myself, “Nah, I’m not intimidated, I’m just not interested,” which is partially true. But the reason WHY I’m not interested is because there is the uneasy sense of “you might be better than me” or out of my league, as if I’m on the JV squad while you’re on the varsity team.
My office manager (who’s like a 2nd mother) told me recently, “Rock, you need someone who’s inferior to you.”
I think she was poking at me a bit, but I couldn’t argue against her. The truth is I would like to be the knight in shining armor for my lady. I desire to be her hero, of sorts. Not that I want her to be in distress or in turmoil, but the one she can lean on for protection, guidance, leadership, strength, and wisdom.
No, this doesn’t mean I want her to be the opposite of those things (such as weak, stupid, and lost)…but if I can’t fulfill any need, it’s like I’m a tool that has no purpose because she’s already made herself the same tool I am. Or a better tool. She doesn’t need me to build anything because she’s already built it all. Where’s the joy, where’s the fulfillment in that?
How can I be a man for a woman who doesn’t NEED no man? How can I impress a woman who’s seen it all? How can I fascinate a woman who knows it all? I also think this is why a lot of guys are intimidated by promiscuous women with a high body count, especially women who have been with bigger, high profile athletes…because there is a feeling of, “well damn…you’ve been with a guy like that. What can I offer you? How can I top that?”
Ladies, these feelings of emasculation, it’s no small thing. I’d argue that it’s probably one of the biggest reasons why a lot of ladies get ghosted or he starts to pull away after a few dates. Men generally don’t like to complain about things like, “I wish she was more affectionate, nurturing, supportive or encouraging” because it makes us feel like b**ches and as confident as women claim they want us to be, I’d argue that our confidence is linked to our ego.
No man wants to tell his woman that he’s not feeling loved or appreciated by her. No man wants to feel like he’s acting like the woman in the relationship, SO, we’d sooner ghost or leave you alone than come out and communicate these things…especially if you have a track record of struggling to understand.
I’m sorry. I know that sucks if you’ve heard that you’re a bit more assertive and dominant (bossy) than other women. But this is why I think you often hear of stories like the Boss of a company divorcing his hot, high-profile businesswoman of wife to get with his secretary. Something about that secretary being submissive, ready to serve, kind, welcoming, and attentive to his needs…the man desires that.
That’s the disconnect that so many ladies struggle to grasp. While Women might desire someone who’s an Alpha High Value Man, running his own business, making lots of money, with the lifestyle and cars to show it off…someone who’s “on her level.”
Most men don’t look for those same things in a potential spouse. While it’s cool that you have all those things, we’re more interested in how you look and are you pleasant to be around. I don’t think I’m alone in saying I’d sooner go the CVS check-out girl if she’s hot and into me. I’m not worried about whether she’s got her pHD or if owns her own car. IF SHE DOES…awesome! But those things are not what attracts us to you.
I think I might have gotten off track here. But the overall message is just a suggestion. If you are a Strong and Independent Boss bae and you’re struggling with relationships because all the men you’ve dealt with have been intimidated by you, whether it’s your success, your body count, your career, or the fact that you’re more assertive, opinionated, and have high standards…
You can accept that you are the way you are and take all the results and consequences that come along with it…or you can recognize that the only person you can control is yourself. You can demand and complain till you’re blue in the face. And some men are successfully brow-beaten into changing for you.
But a lot of us…For a lot of us, it’s going to take some effort to let him know that you need a man in your life, just like we need a woman…a cooperative, caring, compassionate woman. If you’re strong and assertive, refusing to let anyone do for you…he’s likely going to think, “You got this. My services are not required.”
I’m not saying you have to hide your accomplishments or stop talking about your careers and all the experiences in your life…but perhaps, it might work if you somehow can demonstrate that none of that is as important as having him in your life. Men have egos. Everyone has an ego. Talking to older women who ARE MARRIED and have been married for decades is a great way to learn.
Thanks for reading!
P.S. Added May 3rd 2023
Just wanted to add this video of Iyanla Vanzant where she had an interview with a “strong and independent” woman and basically broke down everything I said in this post. And interesting point, was when the Strong and Independent woman mentioned how women are “outpacing” men, so it’s a problem that men aren’t keeping up in terms of getting degrees and making more money through career jobs.
Iyanla asked, “Would you date a bus driver?”
The woman answered, “If he owned the bus.”
Iyanla replied, “That’s the problem. If that man loves driving the bus and he’s working hard and treating you right, she can work and love a bus driver.” I have it queued up below.
When women go the Empowered Career and Sex in the City route, they eventually get older and then they are enraged that men don’t want their mouthy, sassy, I don’t need no man attitude. Men don’t want arrogant competitors for wives. They want complementary partners. There is no ‘equality’ in marriage. Somebody is in charge, either the wife or the husband.
It would be hard to take personal responsibility for choosing Empowered Career over husband and family, and to take responsibility for the empty hole inside themselves as being their own damn fault, a consequence of their selfish choices.
So instead, women take the easy route and claim that they are just too fabulous and independent for mere, lowly men, who just cannot handle their awesomeness. It’s a cope, a cope to avoid consequences, by putting — as always — the blame on men.
Good piece Rock, keep up the good works.
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