When I was in high school, I went the first three years without a girlfriend. It wasn’t until my Senior Year that a green-eyed blonde made it known that she was attracted to me. She was my first official girlfriend. Age 18.
This was in a place called Augusta, Georgia in 2004…aka the Dirty South, circa Outkast’s “Hey Ya” and Usher’s “Yeah.”. My point in mentioning this, is that I’m black. My first official girlfriend was white. No, no one gave me grief about this (not to my face). But I do remember something interesting happening.
While I was “going out” with said Green-Eyed Beauty, she and I were walking back to classes from the cafeteria, and a black girl tapped me. I looked over my shoulder to see her gesturing towards her friend, a gorgeous black girl who had to be a junior. I didn’t know her, but we had locked eyes before in passing. She was tall, in-shape, had a gentle smile…the type I would’ve undoubtedly said yes to. But I was already with someone. So I smiled and declined apologetically. Remember this incident for later…
I want to make it clear that I’m not a player. Not a pick-up artist. Just a deep-thinking Millennial with old-fashion Christian values. As a youth, my Mother and Step-Father didn’t push for my brothers and I to date early. Instead…well, I’ll let you be the judge.
When I was 15, my mom and step-dad forced my brothers and I to attend their Jehovah’s Witness meetings. One of the downsides with this congregation was the lack of females our age.
So one night, when there were beautiful girls visiting the meetings, my brothers and I could barely contain ourselves. Of course, we approached and joked and flirted with them after the meeting. But the entire ride home, our mother absolutely berated us for it. It was brutal. She literally said, “ya’ll ain’t nothin but dogs in heat”. I remember, and it just struck me. We laugh about it now, but back then, I never felt so small and worthless.
So, why am I mentioning all this? What does this have to do with the topic of “Waiting Too Long?”
Well…this is another theoretical contribution to the long list of reasons why today’s courtship is so messed up. It involves the concept of “biding your time,” or simply “hoping the other person will make the first move.” If you employ this tactic, several things may happen.
1. You may never see the object of your affection again.
He/She may move from your location, get another job, stop frequenting the places you frequent. Tragically, he or she might pass away. I’ve experienced this once before. The regret with this one is obvious. The next two are likely to prick the heart.
2. The person may lose interest in you.
In a recent post from this Website I frequent, there was a discussion about “lust” and how it’s debatable as to whether this is so bad, or if it serves a purpose. I believe that lust can get you in trouble if you give into it with the wrong circumstances, like lusting after a married person, or the wrong kind of person (1st Corinth. 6:9-11)…but for our purposes here and now, I’m referring to lust in its definition of “strong sexual desire”…or sexual attraction.
From experience, I’ve found that lust and sexual attraction really is like a flame. A lot of times it burns so brightly in the beginning. But just like humans entering a pool or jacuzzi, the more you get used to the heat or coolness, the water begins to feel lukewarm. Your body gets used to it.
Speaking for myself, when I’m introduced to a woman whose beauty is so stunning, yes, the sexual desire is strong, the bonfire ablaze. But no matter how beautiful she is, unless I cultivate a relationship with her and love manifests, the fire starts to die down and fizzle out. I lose hope and stop entertaining the idea of ever being with her.
Of course, it’s not just “time” that causes the fire to burn out. What you learn about the person also has an effect. But essentially, the person’s individual beauty (superficial looks) begins to seem like a novelty, shiny and new at first.
3. Someone Else Beats You to the Punch.
This is the main point I want to hammer home, as I alluded to in my opening paragraphs. I didn’t date my first girlfriend explicitly because she was white…she simply made the first move and thus, beat the other girl to the punch.
Think about all those TV shows where the new girl/guy comes in to town. And suddenly the main character is worried that they’re crush will fall for the new guy. This is nonsense that could’ve been avoided if they just took their shot sooner than later. And when I say “nonsense,” I’m talking about that jealousy, that feeling of possession when she/he was never yours to begin with.
Also, I want to point out that there is a notion called “pre-selection.” Not entirely sure how true it is. But I want you to know that this theory exists.
OMG, You Sound SO Desperate!
I opine that we should stop fearing being perceived as “desperate.” In fact, I have a habit of combating popular opinions that do more harm than good. Time is of the essence. Tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. And having someone in your life isn’t promised either.
If you’re running out of time, you know your looks are fading, your fertility window is shrinking and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to find a mate…or more importantly, if you’ve found someone you absolutely want to pursue…do you really have the luxury of just waiting and hoping? And I get it. I’ve heard of things like “one-itis” and not wanting to give someone else too much power in the relationship. But if it’s someone really you like and actually want to be with…seriously, who gives a ish? If someone really cares so much about that from the get-go, is that really someone worth contemplating spending the rest of your life with?
Not to mention, I’m not sure about you guys but I personally have no problem with letting people 1) think they have power over me, 2) think they’re superior to me, or 3) think they’ve beaten me in any way…so long as I’m accomplishing my goal and deriving my own satisfaction. Honestly, people can think whatever they want, and if they’re wrong, the only one who really suffers is them. It’s like if you give a gift to someone who thinks they’ve tricked you into giving the gift because they cried about it…when really, you were going to give the gift to them all along. The satisfaction you get is from the gift of giving. #alliteration
To be clear, let’s look at the definition. Because I know…a symptom of my generation is twisting and mangling so many words to mean whatever we want.
The bullet point next to “predicative” is the definition we’re going to focus on. That great need or desire for something. That’s what a lot of people are talking about when they can “sense” it in you in terms of lust or desire. However, as humans, we do have a great need for companionship. As individuals living in a society, a lot of us have a great desire to get married and have children.
If you really are desperate, in great need or desire it…would acknowledging this fact really be so bad. Play it cool, sure. But if you’re of a certain age, maturity, and intelligence, we’re going to know no matter how suave you appear to be. And I don’t think it’s all that bad.
It reminds me of another phrase that pop culture has turned into an embarrassing insult. You “thirsty.” It’s the same concept. To be desperate or “thirsty” for something is seen as embarrassing for some reason. But if we really are in need of hydration or a stable romantic relationship…why in the hay should anyone be afraid to admit this? Not to everyone, but at the very least to themselves?
Can you imagine it? If you’ve spent years out in the sun-blasted desert only to find civilization, a small town with a drinking well in the center of the plaza…how concerned are you really going to be with people calling you “thirsty” as you damn near trip over your own footsteps to get that water.
I think the same needs to be said about some Millennials approaching their mid-30s. There’s plenty of articles and magazines coming out, preaching that “single life,” that you don’t need nobody…or you’re weak if you so much as fear the idea of living out the rest of your life never having been married or with children… Brothers and sisters, this is nonsense. Don’t want to get too off topic, but I believe it has a lot to do with pushing individuals to be more dependent on the government, whereas once upon a time, people were more dependent on family.
Even for us guys, we’ve heard it time and time again that a woman can “sense the desperation on you” and apparently it’s not attractive. Here’s a question. Has it “always” been this way? Or has the abundance mentality and seemingly limitless options social media and dating sites provided, only emboldened us to think this way?
It’s kinda like how so many are concerned with climate change, diversity and inclusion…not saying those things are bad. But merely pointing out that we have “the luxury” in this country to divest time, energy, and money to those sentiments. Meaning, our generation hasn’t had to deal with a WW II, Great Depression, major invasion, famine, etc.
The Black Community
In particular, with the Black Community, it’s a popular opinion that our Black Sistahs don’t like it when Black Men date outside the race. Even now, in 2021, videos are still coming out with Black Women complaining about Black Men dating other races. One woman even posted a video of a guy she doesn’t even know. She basically spotted a good-looking black guy and didn’t say anything because she preconceived that he only dated white girls.
Then there was the Mediocre Tutorial and Reviews video where he touched on how a lot of Black Men were passed over by Black Women in their youths for not being “hood” enough. And then when those black men grow up, become successful, and date outside their race, apparently black women get mad.
The reason why I’m bringing up the Interracial Dating issue, is because one thing people tend to overlook when it comes to who a person’s dating…is that it may have very little to do with “skin color” and more to do with culture. It may be…just like with my very first girlfriend…that the white woman beat everyone else to the punch. If a black man or woman builds themselves up and leaves the hood, kinda makes sense that they date someone who’s not in the hood. If a black man or woman doesn’t fit in with hip hop/urban culture, they’re likely to go where they feel more appreciated and accepted.
“So what? You mean around white people?!”
White people make up the majority of this country. Black people make up only 13%. Sooo…yes, the chances are higher that he or she is likely to associate and be around more white people if they leave a black community where they don’t feel accepted, appreciated, or fit in. This really should be common sense if people were more honest.
The Importance of Validation
Leaving race aside, this is going to crazy, but bear with me. Could it be…that today’s average man is so starved for compliments and affection that they’ll pretty much fall for the first woman who’s in shape, seems pleasant, and shows interest in them? It’s really that simple.
“Ha! Then those guys are desperate and weak with low self-esteem and I don’t need them no way.”
What if you’re right? Let’s say you are right. In the Red Pill Community, they’re called Beta Simps. But so what? Let’s say these individuals do exist and make up a majority of the population. Do we laugh at them? Do we continue to belittle them for who and what they are?
What if the average man really is desperate, weak when it comes to wanting a woman? And what if they really do have a low self-esteem in their appearance and self-worth as “men”? Back in the old days, the culture was different. Strong, take-charge masculinity was celebrated and admired in the mainstream. What do we have now?
Something happened to me recently that prompted me to think about all of this.
On my boss’s radio show…A man called in and jokingly complimented me. My boss talked about needing to pay me more and this Male Caller said that “you need to pay him more for looking as sexy as he is.” And then other males in the Twitch stream also pointed out how handsome I was, and that I was a certainly a “specimen.”
My reaction was a bit surprising. You could definitely tell I was blushing. But why? I’m not gay. I certainly don’t entertain homosexual thoughts. But simply being called handsome or sexy by someone who wasn’t related to me, or prompted by an uploaded picture, it boosted my esteem. It felt good to hear that. Again, why? Could it be because I don’t hear it often?
In this essay about why I don’t like going to parties, in Point 4, you’ll learn that I used to weigh 378lbs. I honestly felt like I was big ugly ass monster. Even though I’ve lost all that weight and sometimes think I’m a good-looking dude…the fact that I’m single, had girl’s falsely accuse me of sexual harassment, and in 2014, I did try online dating to have only the unsightliest girls message me while the girls I messaged ignored me…it reinforced the idea that I’m really not all that desirable.
The next day after the radio show, I went to Crunch Fitness to teach a friend some boxing moves. This super-gym was completely different from the smaller gym I’m used to. As soon as I entered, my first thought was. “Oh…so here’s where all the hot girls are.” Because as I’ve mentioned it in other essays and comments, that if you want a good guy, you have to go where good guys are. And I wasn’t seeing them in the gym I usually frequent. Apparently, (and this makes sense), the gyms these young, hot, in-shape ladies go to are the ones where there’s almost a club-like atmosphere.
And dude…these ladies were diggin’ me. There were other muscular dudes in there, all around that mid-20 age range, all with the Patrick Mahomes haircut. Meanwhile, here I am…a 34-year-old stud with wrapped hands banging on the heavy bags with thunderous blows. I could definitely sense these ladies drawn to me.
“Wow, Rock. Really? A bit full of yourself, aren’t you? It was probably all in your head.”
Maybe. But the point was, it boosted my esteem and validated that I’m a desirable guy. This validation is something us guys don’t get from social media or dating sites the way some women do.
“Oh, so you need validation?!”
If being “desperate” is such an undesirable quality, then logically, it should be a good thing that a man has a healthy self-esteem and confidence in their looks and abilities, right?
“But still. A man shouldn’t be concerned about how they look. Women can sense that and think it’s conceited.”
Okay, so following that line, how do you get a man to not be concerned with how they look? Could it be similar to the concept of having money? Meaning, the people who aren’t concerned with money are the ones who simply know they have it. In the same token, that “confidence” so many women “claim” they want in a man comes from a man simply knowing they have something. Like desirability. This comes from some form of validation.
Validation, like a lot of words, has been given a negative connotation from my generation. But all it is, seeking the confirmation of what you perceive to be true, or “valid” (factually sound). I think it’s when you “constantly” seek it, that you run into vanity and narcissism and becoming enslaved to it (seeking to please humans more than God). But if you hardly get any validation at all or sporadically, yes, I think a some validation is a good thing. Which is why, I confess, people who give it freely and generously are precious to me. Because with them, I don’t need to “seek” it. Very nurturing.
“Alright, whatever! What does all this have to do with “Waiting Too Long to Make a Move!?”
Hahahaha! Alright, so there’s one more video I want you to see. The reason why I’m not answering your questions outright…is because I want you to THINK FOR YOURSELF.
In this video below, Hafeez of the Roommates joins the Fit and Fresh Podcast where he talks to OnlyFan Models. Young ladies barely out of high school are traveling the world, driving expensive cars, living the high life…but for how long? To what end? For what purpose? And yeah, you can get mad at guys like me for even “following” them in the first place…but trust me when I say guys like me aren’t spending a dime on these people. We literally use their beauty as motivation to work on ourselves, continue building our finances and hitting the gym to stay in shape.
The above video is pretty long, but definitely enlightening. Essentially, the ladies seem to have no concept of time, specifically the future. It’s not just them, sadly. And it’s not just the ladies. A lot of my Millennial peers appear to live for the here and now, no sense of prudence. But with these ladies, particularly, they seem to think they’ll always be desired the same way they are now. And when you have that mindset, carrying it well past your thirties…well, think about what you want in this life? I know the pursuit of pleasure and entertainment has taken the forefront, but ever since the beginning of mankind it’s been in our nature to procreate and have a family.
Men can procreate well past the age of 50. Women…not so much. And I’m not saying that to be like, “haha!”…but mainly to emphasize as Hafeez did in the above video…that we really do need to be more mindful of our age and how much time we have to accomplish what we want. Thus, if you’re a woman who really wants to get married and have children and you’re past the age of 33, yeah, it makes sense that you’d be a bit more desperate than if you were in your mid to early 20s.
And here’s the deal, brace yourselves…while I have heard that “desperation” is repugnant to women…I honestly don’t think it’s that repugnant to men. I even asked the guys in my boxing class, barbershop style, and the average answer was, “it depends.” And when we got down to what it “depended” on, it really was about things like how attractive she was, whether she’s a single mother, or accumulated a massive debt.
For instance, if Taylor Swift or Rihanna appeared desperate in wanting to be with you and have your children, most men aren’t going to be like “ugh…too desperate.” At least, not mature men (men out of high school and college). But sad to say, if it’s someone like Lena Dunham after letting herself go…yeah, we might run for the hills. But that isn’t because she’s showing herself to be desperate…it’s because she let herself go and we may not be attracted to that.
Also, no lie, I asked an older female colleague about this too. And interestingly enough, she opined that women don’t care too much about a guy who seems “desperate” either, so long as they’re attractive. According to her, some women complain about a guy being “desperate” to boost their own ego. I’m not a female. I don’t know. Feel free to share your thoughts below.
No, I’m not saying a woman who makes the first move will have guaranteed success. But unlike women, a guy isn’t likely to respond with “oh, this is creepy!” or “are you harassing me?” unless you’re legit harassing them (by keep coming after them after they said no and asked you to stop).
When I was 27, my ex, we’ll call her Alice…made the first move. My birthday just passed, and she took the opportunity to message me out of the blue, wished me a belated birthday and complimented me. I had seen Alice before, definitely found her smokingly hot. And her messaging me out of the blue was all I needed to latch on and take it from there. I asked her to be my girlfriend just five days later. It’s really that simple.
With Alice, she was a single mother. And even here…guess what. She beat someone else to the punch. There was actually another girl I was “talking to.” But she was going in circles and playing games when Alice swooped in with her lovely smile and Puerto Rican charm to take my breath away. I had to let that other girl know that I was now “taken”.
The reason why I’m mentioning the instance of Alice…was because I could definitely sense the desperation in her. PLEASE BELIEVE that I am not bragging or slighting her. By desperation, I’m talking about the more than apparent attraction she had in me. She wanted me so badly and it was abundantly clear. Maybe this is just me, but her being “desperate” didn’t matter. I was flattered.
Yes, I was aware that her being a single mother added to her desperation. If you don’t understand why that’s a factor at all, just type in “Red Pill Single Mothers” in Youtube and you’ll get a man’s perspective. Not “The REAL,” not the “The View,” but the perspective of real men. And by “real men,” I’m talking about men not hand-picked by corporations and organizations to push their own agenda. This is important because just like women have preferences in what they want in a man…Men have preferences too. (long-story short, a lot of men don’t want pre-made families).
But the thing was…Alice was aware. Yes, even Alice knew that being a single-mother made Me more of a prize than she was. Easy, ladies. Calm down. Remember, I asked Alice to be my girlfriend knowing all of this.
“I’m saying though! Why would you think you’re more of a prize than she is? Why would you even have this in your head?”
I’m saying Alice had this in HER head. And while you might be pissed about that…Guess what, Alice got herself a boyfriend. You see my point? All of these stupid modern progressive ideas about what is or isn’t acceptable, shameful, or should be considered embarrassing are holding a lot of people back.
Alice’s awareness of her situation and the strong desire she had for me, told me that Alice was intelligent. Of course, there was the risk of rejection. Which was why she didn’t hesitate when she saw an opening. My birthday. It was the first time she ever spoke to me. She didn’t know my personality or the kind of guy I was. But taking that opportunity to just wish this stranger a happy birthday and introduce herself was a safe approach. If I wasn’t attracted to her, I would’ve simply thanked her and asked her very little follow-up questions. I recognized almost immediately that this was a person I could deal with.
Why? Because it told me she was just like me. Very straight-forward, direct, and pragmatic. This is important because this is how our chemistry worked. It allowed us to be open and honest with each other from the get-go.
Side note…this open and honest approach…I know there’s a lot of jokes about how honesty doesn’t work in relationships. But I dare say, that’s why couples end up wasting years on each other only to break up in the end. Essentially, they procrastinated on conversations they should have had in the first few months, but didn’t because they didn’t want it to get in the way of other things, like sex.
Alice was definitely one who did not wait too long to make the first move and her reward was me. I considered it an honor to date her and even though we broke up before the year was out…that fire I mentioned earlier…there will always be a flicker of light in my heart for her.
“Are you saying you prefer women who are desperate and so heads over heels for you?”
I’m saying if that’s how she feels…I’d admire her if she just went for it. I hate to say it, but men like me who grew up with no sisters yet a masculine mother are dense when it comes to picking up on subtle cues or, like Donovan Sharpe likes to call it, “Womanese 101”. Also, my respect for her would start out strong because I acknowledge that it’s traditionally and emotionally tougher for women to make the first move. I don’t think I’m alone in thinking this.
The reason why I encourage females to make the first move more than ever is because pop culture, the hook-up culture, and mainstream opinion has been so destructive in the way men and women traditionally courted each other. When I was coming up, we’d spot a girl in the mall and try our luck trying to get her number…now, depending on who she is, that’s cat-calling. Once upon a time, men only had to worry about rejection. The pain from that sting might last a day or two.
But now, speaking as one who was falsely accused of sexual harassment in my mid-20s (Scroll to Reason 3) It took years to shake off that debilitating stigma. I’m now 34-years-old, I’ve come a long way, built myself up and created a solid financial foundation to start a family. I have a lot more to lose.
Also, if you’re a woman who’s getting rejected a lot or enough times…I know this might sound rough, but it might actually help you. Right now, the world and so many movements are preaching, mainly to women, that they’re good the way they are and they don’t need to change for nobody, especially a man. But how true is that? As men, we don’t have such devices. In fact, we keep getting told to “step up.” If it’s only the Men who are told to improve and not women, who do you think will fare better in life? The ones who actually work on improving their appearance, resources, and personalities, or those who continue doing whatever they want to do, being told that they’re fine the way they are?
Thus, if you are “desperate” it should be a strong motivator for you to take action. Its what I did when I used to weigh 378lbs. Desperate wasn’t the word, because I was 21 at the time, but I did have the faith and drive to know it was only a matter of time before I saw success if I continued to keep improving.
I opine that taking action to improve yourself is 10x more empowering than doing whatever you want and simply demanding that others accept you and your choices. Or we can change nothing and accept our lot in life. But be careful with that. By “careful,” I mean honest. I can SAY all day that I don’t mind being single…but God knows my heart. He knows the truth. I think it’s easier (and time saving) to just confess it, rather than denying that truth and suffering unnecessarily for so long.
“Whatever, Rock. All this essay reeks of, is you not being man enough to make the first move. It’s like all you want is for women to approach you!”
Is it wrong to “want” that? Is it even wrong to “expect” it when historically speaking, it’s the only way it’s worked with me? Yes, it may not work for everyone, but I’ll never forget when my Dad told me a few years back…“Well, Rock. You know, the men in our family…we don’t chase.” And I started laughing because it was then that I realized, that the only women I’ve ever dated were the ones who pursued me.
No lie. Three years later, when I was 30, again, a woman messaged me out of the blue. We ended up talking on the phone for four hours and I asked her to be my girlfriend that very night. She said yes. It’s that simple.
Honestly, it’s like a curse that for some reason, the ones where I did pursue and made the first move, things just turned out badly. Those women would go on to effing scorn me. It was always the same. First, you could tell they were flattered. Then, they expected me to keep pursuing and give them my attention when I already made it clear that I was enamored with them. And when they found out that I was no longer pursuing (not out of resentment, but because I literally had other goals to focus on), that’s when the most savage campaign of mental warfare took place.
We’ve all experienced this. Where, on the surface, everyone’s all smiles…but they’re making back-handed statements, suddenly befriending your best friends, spreading rumors and striving to make everything you do, difficult for the hell of it. lol…good times. (if you run and play hard to get, don’t be shocked when you look over your shoulders and see I’m no longer there…sorry?)
Yes, some guys don’t mind jumping through hoops and what not. In fact, I’ve seen other Red Pill Content Creators diss men like me for even allowing a woman to approach me first. They say the approach is a masculine thing to do and I’m a Beta Simp for even considering it. But what do you say? If time is of the essence and you are desperate, how far will such thinking get you? Think for yourself. Take control of your life. That’s all this essay is, something to consider.
My suggestion is that this isn’t the year pre-2000. Our culture has changed. The marriage and birth rate among my generation is declining and I don’t think it’s all because of “religion” or “seeing our parents get divorced” the way they like to blame it. It’s us. It’s our separation from the standards that have held us together for centuries. Its us who have given into the herd mentality of what’s cool, hip, and popular.
“You know what, Rock…this whole essay reeks of desperation.”
You think so? lol, maybe I am. Just don’t get mad when someone else beats you to the punch.