Stage In The Sky

In my last post…I talked about why Online Dating didn’t work for me back in 2014. I made a lot of mistakes. I didn’t have the experience or the maturity. But ten years later…ya boy had learned. I was determined to do things a little bit different.

In this post, I’m going to discuss what I did differently in 2024 that led to me finally finding a wife. And if you stop reading and take nothing from this essay, take this: If you tell anyone that you’re online dating, they’re gonna give you advice about what to do or say. But at the end of the day, you have to be yourself.

I know dating coaches and bloggers don’t like to hear that. But you have to remember, you’re not trying to attract “just anyone”. You’re trying to attract the person who’s best suited to be your wife or husband. If you’re using it for hook-ups, “nothing serious,” or friends with benefits…this post isn’t for you.

Points Discussed:

1. Dating with Intentions
2. Single by Choice
3. Why I Didn’t Ask for Advice
4. My First Impressions of Online Dating in 2024
5. The Profile Bio I Wrote to Attract a Mate
6. Discipline with the Time Spent on Dating Sites:
7. Should You Lower Your Standards?

Dating with Intentions

What does it mean to “Date with Intentions”?

Me and my brothers were raised with the mentality that “Dating” was to prepare you for marriage. It’s as simple as that.

The primary goal was not to get laid and have as much fun as you can. It’s to find out whether you’re compatible with one person so you can love and spend the rest of your life with them and raise a family together. That’s why you commit to a person and date them.

That has always been my mindset. Always. Even as a teenager, hot-blooded with my hormones racing, my mind was always on marriage and family over sex and pleasure. Mainly because I was a product of divorce and had a chip on my shoulder not to repeat my parents’ mistakes.

Single by Choice

During my first attempts at Online Dating in 2014 and 2021, I still had the “Dating with Intentions” mindset…lol, but I confess, there was always another option on the table. That option was to stay single. Stay alone. Why? Because it suited my lifestyle.

Seriously, I am the poor man’s Bruce Wayne. I love to work. I love staying focused on the mission, my mind fixed on something productive. Time spent going out of my way in search for a woman was time I could’ve spent working on something else.

Not to mention, by 2018, I deep into a bunch of Red Pill content where everyone kept saying the same thing: Don’t chase. Focus on improving your fitness and building your finances and the rest will come. So, I did. I’m in the best shape of my life and I own my own home.

As a virgin, people assume that I’m an INCEL (involuntarily celibate) or that no woman wants me because I’ve been single for so many years. Even peers I respect have put me in the category of a “have not” because women don’t choose me.

But I’ve argued that it’s a bit narrow-minded to say, at least when it comes to men like me. They overlook the fact that men it’s not that women don’t choose us…it’s that we don’t choose them.

It reminds me of this scene from “National Security,” where the white man is in solitary confinement for six months.

He steps out of the hole and sees a bunch of black men who still want to kill him, so he intentionally knocks out the guard just to put himself back in Solitary Confinement.

Men like me looked around, see what’s out there, and if we don’t like what we see, we go back to the mission. We focus on what we can control. For some men, that’s video games, the gym, or sports betting. For me…it was work, writing, working out, and boxing.

However, my purpose of getting married and raising his own family…that never faded from my heart. And as good as I am at staying focused, I still live in a society. I’m still human. Christmas and holidays were abysmal. It takes strength to fight back loneliness and depression. I avoided social events and public settings to avoid the awareness of what I’m missing out on.

You think you have all the time in the world, and other men will say that “time is on a man’s side”…but in 2024, I was 37-years-old. My taste in women was still youth, beauty, and fertility. The older I got; I knew it’d be harder to pull someone in the late 20s.

I needed someone to love. I’d like someone who loved me above all others.

Maybe that makes me less of a man, or a blue-pilled Beta…doesn’t matter. It’s who I am. Anything less than acknowledging that would just be pretending. And while that might garner the respect of your peers, it does nothing to assuage the pain in your heart. You can ignore the pain, do something to take your mind off of it. But it’s always there.

My point in admitting all this is that you gotta be honest with yourself. How can we criticize ladies for their delusion if we as men cling to any one-size-fits-all stereotype about what masculinity is?

Thus, pragmatically…I joined online dating apps for the final time in January 2024. And this time, I took “staying single” off the table.

Why I Didn’t Ask for Advice

The biggest differences that led to my success in 2024, as opposed to prior stints in 2014 and 2021…was that I didn’t tell anyone I was doing it. Lol, this was one of the smartest things I ever did.

In 2021, I was so open with friends, family, and co-workers because I knew they’d all be happy for me. I’ve been single for a long time. They’d want me to be happy.

The problem was, everyone kept giving me advice about what pictures to use, what to put on my bio, or what not to put. They warned me about giving too much information, not providing enough, or the risks of coming off as boring, lame, desperate, or scaring them off and etc etc etc.

On top of that, when things don’t work out with a potential match, you’re now embarrassed. The People you’ve told about this now know of that failure. You have to explain yourself and you’ve opened yourself up to more criticism.

I’m not saying advice is a bad thing. If what you’re doing isn’t working…ask someone.

The problem is, they’re comparing you to everyone else. Meaning, if it worked for them or someone they know, they assume it’ll work for you too.

How many 6’3, 235lb, black dudes do you know who “talks white,” lives by Bible principles, rejects worldly trends, is waiting till marriage to have sex and actually likes the cutesy girl next door types over the boss baes and bad b##ches?

In 2021, by following the advice of others, I was able to get the numbers of several beautiful black women via online dating.

These ladies were smoking hot, claimed to be Christians, and all of them were in the medical field. I’m going to divulge more about these failed Matches in the next post, but suffice to say, our personalities did not gel. What do I mean by that?

When it comes to “Chemistry”…in this context: imagine that you tell them about your day. You tell them something that found funny, or you reveal some kind of accomplishment. If the person doesn’t laugh or show any kind of enthusiasm…it doesn’t mean they don’t find it funny or that they’re not proud of you…it’s just that they aren’t responding the way YOU personally would’ve liked. So, it feels like they don’t care or not interested. Thus, you don’t have chemistry with this person.

This is more important than people care to admit. Because some women seem to think it’s a good idea to hide how much they admire you, probably because they don’t want to be taken advantage of or “give you too much power”…which ironically pushed me away.

Flash forward to 2024…as I mentioned, my mentality was different. I was more mature. I had greater knowledge…and I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing.

This made the whole experience a little more laid back and relaxed where I could go at my own pace. There were no regrets about “scaring anyone off,” because my profile was 100% me. Thus, if you think my profile was arrogant and conceited or too self-righteous…there’s no point in proceeding further with me.

My First Impressions of Online Dating in 2024

I have to say, my first impressions of the dating sites after having been away for just three years was, “Oh my god…there are going to be a lot of women who end up alone.”

I don’t say that to sound insulting. I’ve always made it clear that I hope EVERYONE finds someone. But when I saw the kind of women in that 30-36 age range looking for a man…there were a lot of women who were very unsightly, for lack of a better term.

So badly, I wanted to get into each of their DMs and just tell them, “Hey! If you hit the gym 3x a week for a year, you will be fire!”

But it’s clear that too many of these ladies are surrounded by people who refuse to tell them the truth. Like this reel of an overweight woman complaining about being ghosted and none of her friends have the courage to tell her it’s because she’s fat.

A lot of ladies entire selection of photos was the same type of high-angle close-up pic, so it was essentially pointless to upload more than one. By 2024, most are now aware that this is a deceptive trick to hide your body type. Which also proves that they themselves know most Men aren’t attracted to overweight women, otherwise…why the deception?

A lot of ladies don’t smile. They don’t project the air of optimism or pleasantness. And this is an important point that cannot be overlooked.

I wrote an essay years ago called, “You Attract the Energy You Put Out.” If you project the air of someone who’s fierce, strong and independent, or clearly just about sex, you’re going to attract the men who are compatible to that, which may not be the kind of man you want.

That’s why I often say, if you keep attracting a mate who has no honor, it could be because you yourself lack honor.

Another analogy that’s kind of funny and self-deprecating…but when I was in 8^th grade, half my class got sent to Alternative School during a huge scandal where eight kids in my class were taking speed drugs. This all happened right under my nose. I had no idea it was going on.

Why didn’t anyone include me? Why didn’t anyone offer me any drugs? Even in high school, I can’t think of a single time where someone offered me drugs or asked if I knew where to score.

My point is, you can tell just by looking at me and how I carry myself, that I’m not into drugs and I’d probably report it. Call me lame or a square or whatever, but I simply do not attract scumbags, thugs, and hoes. If you do…maybe a change is needed?

The Profile Bio I Wrote to Attract a Mate

When I crafted my profile bio for 2024, this is what I wrote:

“God is number one in my life. Haha, I’m not saying that to scare you off. Trust me, I’ve been warned that it’s not exactly first date material. But it is the standard I live by. (though I am flawed just like every other man and I’m happy to teach)

I’m an author and I work in advertising. I love my family, though they’re all far away. And though I have a lot of friends, I’m not the kind of guy who meets up to hang out with them when I get off work.

I’m goal-oriented. I like staying productive and keeping my mind focused so it doesn’t wander off and worry about what I lack, like a girlfriend or a wife. It does tend to do that, especially around the holidays. (It can get rough)

Overall, I believe in being yourself. Everybody’s different. I’m the affectionate, lovey-dovey type. I like texting to let you know I’m thinking about you. Or sending a meme every now and then. I hope to find someone who’s the same or even more affectionate than myself. Hold my hand. Nestle up close to me. Reach out for a hug. I know that sounds cheesy or whatever. But those little things are worth more to me than anything you can buy.”

Boom…that was it. You might think it sounds like a simp, or that it’s too much, too soft, or that no woman would be interested in a man like that, and that’s fine. But it’s 100% me and that’s what I want ladies to know about me so they don’t get carried away and build something more of me than what I really am (which happens more than you think).

And ladies and gentlemen…it worked. It set me apart from other guys. And every match I attracted before I landed on my future wife, they all had personalities that gelled with my own.

On that note…I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that for some people, it doesn’t matter what you put on your dating profile. Your pictures are all they’re interested in and it’s a stupid stupid thing, but it’s the world we live in.

I was watching this video from Courtney Ryan where people were complaining about Men with criminal profiles still getting tons of likes from women. Courtney pointed out that the women liking those men may not be doing it because they like criminals…but they simply “liked” him without having read his profile at all….which again, is stupid.

Discipline with the Time Spent on Dating Sites:

Another thing I did differently as opposed to previous years, was exercise discipline with the amount of time I spent browsing women on the dating sites.

One of the reasons why I was so quick to give up after 3 months was because I saw how it was taking time away from other things. And when that happens, it is a habit of mine to cut out the that which isn’t adding value to my life.

This time, in 2024, I did a better job of treating it almost like a Cryptocurrency where you put in money and forget about it.

When I first signed up, yes, I dedicated a day to setting up the profile, posting my photos, and spent hours just searching for who was available in my immediate area. But after that, the time I spent was regulated to just 10-15 minutes a day of checking out the prospects that were sent to my email.

Occasionally, if I had an hour to spare before hitting the gym, I might browse more profiles and look beyond my immediate area. But for the most part, I’d go a majority of the work week not even thinking about the dating sites until someone liked or messaged me.

I found this was much healthier for me than before.

Should You Lower Your Standards?

This was a question worth considering in 2024, because my faith in Christ had only gotten stronger while the culture’s become more secular. So, if I wanted to increase my chances, I’d need to be more open-minded and get with the times, right?

I know when people hear the word, “Standards,” they’re usually talking about money, looks, and entitlements about what they expect from you. When I say “Standards,” I’m talking about your core values, your personal constitution of right and wrong.

I’ve heard from plenty of people, even other Christians like one of my uncles who’s a pastor…they say to keep your Christianity to yourself or leave it at the door.

And I ask, why? If the person I’m talking to is supposed to be a god-fearing Christian as they “claim,” why would it be repulsive to that person to talk about your love for Christ?

I wrote this in a Christian dating inspired Instagram post, saying, “you don’t want to be the one who has to teach your woman how to be a caring, compassionate, kind, and self-sacrificing person. The Proverbs 31 or the Titus 2:3-5 women are called to be self-controlled and pure. If she doesn’t have these qualities, you have to recognize that. No matter how good she looks, she just isn’t at a place where you can accept her just yet.”

Then comes the thought of, “Well, maybe if you took the time, you can lead her to Christ so she can become that Proverbs 31 woman.”

Which is true…but I’m not too arrogant to admit that I lack the patience and tolerance for that. I’m a big black guy. If someone tells me no, or leave them alone, or tell me they’re not interested…I’m going to walk away.

Unless she’s raised to be a traditional wife who knows the roles of men and women, I’ve found that the average woman tends to perceive guidance and teaching from a man as his attempt to control/groom her and turn her from strong and independent to a docile servant.

With women like that, it’s a gamble as to whether or not she’ll eventually change. And even if they do change, it’ll take time. And during that time, is wise for a man to forsake all others and wait for her to change?

I don’t think so. Especially, if she’s not forsaking all others for you. Which she probably won’t do if you’re waiting till marriage to have sex on the basis of following Bible principles.

That’s why so many men and women have been telling ladies to get help, seek therapy, find God before it’s too late.

Because the confident man of means that Women SAY they want will 1)not put up with bad behavior or 2) choose you over a woman who’s many years younger and is willing to submit to his leadership for the mere fact that his age gives him the reasonable assumption of greater experience, which women find attractive.

And as bad as Society will try to shame a man for having standards, trust me when I say the right Woman will actually respect you and see you for the Biblically sound masculine leader you are, allowing her to trust in, be safe with, and feel secure in following you.

I say the “right” woman because, as I’ll explain later…any woman who scolds you for clinging to the Scriptures instead of getting with modern times, is not the one, bruh.

Ladies, it’s the same with you. I know there’s a lot of advice where Men generally don’t believe there aren’t any virgins anymore, or that if she’s not having sex with you then it means she’s having sex with somebody else…but if you call yourself a Christian, then stick to the Bible and wait.

Trust me when I say, if you’re dealing with true Christian, and your behavior matches what you say, that man will recognize what you are and respect you as the Proverbs 31 woman you’re striving to be.

These standards helped me to weed out the ones who weren’t meant for me. Because I only plan to get married once and stay married for the rest of my life. I’m dating with intentions.

In my next post, I’m going to reveal which Dating Apps I dabbled with and the one that not only gave me my greatest number of dates, but it’s also the one where I found my wife. Stay tuned!