Stage In The Sky

The anger that boils from Black Men going after White Women is nothing new. Ever since I was a kid, there was always criticism when it came to dating outside your race.  It doesn’t matter what argument you try to make. It doesn’t matter if you say it’s just your preference and you got no hate towards black women. If you date outside your race, people will take it as an insult and a rejection of “your own.”

Recently, popular black activist Dr. Umar ruffled feathers when he spoke up on why “Snow Bunnies” (white women) are scooping up a lot of the sistah’s Black Men. He opined that a White Woman is willing to see the potential in black men and build with him. 

Dr. Umar went on to say that “Modern Black Women prioritize a man’s income over his masculinity. Meaning, he can provide, he’s willing to help with the children, he will nurture you, look out for you, but he might not be able to put you in a Mercedes.” 

It lends weight to the argument that women don’t want to run the race with you. They want to wait by the finish line and hitch onto you once you’ve made it. But is that wrong? 

POINTS DISCUSSED: 

1. Who is Dr. Umar? 
2. Will a White Woman Help a Man Grow?
3. Culture and Herd “Hood” Mentality  
4. Black Men Must Stay Single and Build Himself First  
5. We’re Likely to Meet More White Women on Our Ascent: 
6. Will a Black Man leave a Good Black Woman? 

Now clearly, a statement like that is going to make a lot of women upset and rightfully so. He can’t speak for all black women. And there is the reasonable argument that, “Black Women HAVE invested in men in the past, only for that man to run off and go after someone else once he made it big.”  We got to talk about it.

First off…who is Dr. Umar and why do people care what he thinks? 

Who is Dr. Umar? 

Dr. Umar has been around for a while, but I didn’t really learn about him until after Kevin Samuel’s died. Dr. Umar is someone who believes in Pan-Africanism, this notion of unifying Africans and eliminating colonialism and white supremacy. 

Thus, Dr. Umar believes in Black People prioritizing support for black owned businesses, black endeavors, and black interests (some say, supremacy). And when it comes to marriage and family, he believes Black people should stick with their own race. 

Clearly a message like that resonates with a lot of Black Women who, ever since I can remember, have generally resented the idea of Black Men dating outside their race, especially white women. 

I reacted to a video he made years ago, where he blamed Black Men for the “poor selection” Black Women have when it comes to marriage. It removes accountability from women, almost justifying their bad choices. 

That being said…I do understand why a lot of Black Women would be upset with Dr. Umar’s remarks. Because despite his stance on blacks sticking with blacks, it sounds like he’s saying that white women are actually better for black men. 

Will a White Woman Help a Man Grow?

Now, anyone reading this will say, “White women don’t want men who don’t have their ish together either! It’s not just black women.” 

But what those people don’t account for is the greater cultural diversity among white people. Meaning, there are so many cultures and sub-cultures within white America (country, pop, metal, skaters, finance, boaters, golfers, bar hoppers, sports fans, etc) where you’re likely to find someone who fits the kind of person you are.

With black people…it’s not like that. Hip hop and R&B has pigeonholed the culture where, if you don’t act the way narrow-minded Black People think we as a people should act, then you’re trying to act white, your uppity, you’re lame, and undesirable. 

So, it’s less about white women helping a black man grow and more about being with a woman who loves and accepts you for who you are and what you’re trying to do. And sad to say, even if a black woman does like a black man who may not fit into a stereotype, these days, it does seem like a lot of women care more about what their narrow-minded friends and family will think than how successful their marriage will be. 

So…let’s first hit on this notion of how White Women supposedly see a man’s potential and is willing to help him grow. Ladies, I think that notion is backed by what we’re seeing on Social Media and TV.  

The only way to disprove the notion is to combat it with examples of how the opposite is true. Sort of life how my very existence among my white colleagues and clients proves that not all black men are “about that life”. 

Because, if you look at social media when you see clips of women like this one below who talk about leaving their husbands because he fell on financial hard times, it doesn’t look good for black women. Yes, a lot of black women are calling the behavior out but the damage is done. 

And yes, you could say that social media is the problem, but is it? If you removed social media would it then remove the entitlement, bad attitude, and tactics that have men of all race and ages crying out, “she’s for the streetz!” 

Or does Social Media simply provide the proof that men have been complaining about. Because without it, would anyone believe them? 

Let’s talk about Terry Crews for a minute. 

I recently saw the above video a while back and while the video is mostly about Terry Crews’s remarkable journey, I walked away from it having a tremendous amount of respect for his wife. Yes, Terry did cheat on her once and she managed to forgive and stay with him, but as it relates to this essay, this woman really did help build him.  

Rebecca King-Crews is a mixed raced woman (who honestly looked ambiguously white) who befriended Terry when they were in college. She learned about his dream of becoming an actor and, when they had nothing, when he was just living off of loans from his NFL teammates, they moved to Los Angeles and she stood by him while he was just working as an extra trying to work his way up (like when he was an extra on Training Day). 

It was HER IDEA to go to Los Angeles. Terry wasn’t happy playing football and it was Rebecca who reminded Terry of his dreams. So, she encouraged him to go for it. I love that. That’s an example of a woman standing by her man and helping him to build up.  

Can you imagine it? We’re talking about years of auditions, failures, rejections. And yet she stood by him. Any man would be happy to have a wife like that.  

Culture and Herd “Hood” Mentality  

Furthermore…One of the biggest issues, as I see it, is location and culture. I mentioned that the only way to combat the stereotypes is for other black women to speak up be promoted as the Black Women who actually do help build their Men up from nothing.  

But what happens when good and decent Black Women do talk about things like catering to their man, serving their man, investing in their man, and playing the role of a traditional, Biblical helpmate?  

The main ones attacking these women are other Black Women. Ladies are calling Pick-Mes and desperate. But why?  

I suspect it’s because, as “Strong and Independent” as modern women claim to be, they really are dependent on the herd, social validation, approval, and acceptance from the Sisterhood, other women. 

When Simone Biles defended her man’s statements of saying he was “the catch,” showing such grace and humility without caring about exerting her superior popularity or gold medal accomplishments, women came out in droves to attack both of them!

I’ve seen so many “Pop The Balloon” shows where Black Women are passing on the good, honorable, well-dressed, mature and respectable brothers for some of the dumbest most trivial reasons. And we know…the comments section all call it out.

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The women on these shows are passing on the black men because they look “culturally lame,” meaning, they don’t dress, talk, or act like the kind of men you see on TV and reality shows. They’re not hood enough. They’re not street enough.

“But Rock! Those are just social media shows! It doesn’t reflect real life!”

It does in my world. I’m sure I’m not the only Theo Huxtable, Will Smith, Eddie Winslow type person who was never into hip hop and rejected the gang/thug culture only to be passed over by the hottest sistahs in school because we weren’t “hip” enough. A lot of these shows are just providing evidence of what we’ve been saying all along.

Which is why I was upset with Dr. Umar’s remarks about women choosing the “poor selection”. (screams, “THEY COULD’VE CHOSEN US!!!”)

And while you can say that this is normal and that women are “hard-wired” to go after men who they perceive to be the strongest, most likely to protect them from harm, which aggressive thugs do give the impression of, I say the only reason why Thugs give that impression is because TV depicts them as such.  

When you see emotionally undisciplined men who are quick to give into their anger, it gives you the impression that if push comes to shove, he’ll fight for you too.

Meanwhile, you don’t see the well put-together black men acting out in public because our parents raised us with good sense. The Scriptures tells us that man of quick temper is foolish. Good men are slow to anger. Wise men are stable and consistent. That’s why we don’t have our own TV shows.

And instead of recognizing that entertainment is just that, entertainment, they idolize what they see and fantasize about making it their reality. 

That’s why you had kids in the 90s and 2000s wanting to dress like Tupac and NWA, because “reality raps” glamorized the “come up,” the cool aspect of starting from the bottom (ghetto) and having to shoot, kill, and steal to survive. That’s cool!  Being raised in a good neighborhood is apparently lame.  

Ofc. Brandon Tatum is a black former athlete raised in the hoods of Ft. Worth, Texas. He grew up around gangs and fighting and stuff, and it wasn’t until he went to college and got around other white people that he saw it wasn’t like the stereotypes he was programmed to believe.  

He learned that you can be friendly and nice and smile and be treated right. He learned that you don’t have to deal with all the aggression, attitude, and enmity that black couples put themselves through for generations. 

Now he’s a public speaker, and podcaster who’s trying to teach others (men and women) to go where you’re loved, respected, and appreciated, regardless of the color of your skin. 

Black Men Must Stay Single and Build Himself First  

The comment that really drove me to writing this essay is this one here, where a Black Man speaks up in defense of Black Women to say: “A Man has to stay single until he builds his business. That’s it.” 

Part of me agrees with this mentality. Like Nikola Tesla, once upon a time, I felt unworthy for a woman, girlfriend, or wife because I had just graduated college with over $50 in student loan debt and no stable career to provide for my wife and family. 

It’s the burden of performance that a lot of us embrace. So, if women collectively make this a perquisite to date and marry them, I’m cool with that because this is how my parents raised me and my brothers to begin with.  

Here’s the problem…during this time that I didn’t have a girlfriend. I wasn’t having sex. Thus, I wasn’t collecting any STDs, getting damaged from betrayal, heartache, and jealousy, nor did I produce any children outside of wedlock.

While staying single and chaste, I worked on getting in shape and making myself presentable so when I “found” my future wife, I’d be able to appeal to her with my best self. 

Is that what Modern Women are doing? 

Let’s say we stay single until we build our business…are we then rewarded with the prize of single childless women who are in shape, little to no body count, and giving us all the traditional grace and femininity we desired? Because it takes years for that man to do all that.  

So, are the women saving themselves for those men? Or are they giving themselves to Pookie and Ray Ray, racking up a high body count, and having children outside of wedlock?

As we all know, the prime, most fertile years of a woman’s life are in her twenties. A lot of ladies are blessed with good genetics, sure, but the best they’ll ever look is in their twenties. 

That’s why it’s so sad to see those girls on that Pop the Balloon show passing up on good men. I guarantee you that if most of those women were in their 30s, they wouldn’t be so quick to pass him up. 

And therein lies the conundrum. If we follow the advice of staying single until we build our business, it will then make sense for us to pass over the women our own age for women in favor of women their 20s because that’s what we’re attracted to.

And if we go for those younger women, do you think a wise and competent man is going to risk losing half of what he earned in marriage to a young modern woman who might divorce him? 

“Rock! Why do you immediately assume divorce would happen?!” 

Because she didn’t work for it! Don’t you see?

Everyone knows you’re more likely to hold on to what you’ve spent years of hard work and sacrifice to acquire. Furthermore, if the prerequisite to marriage is being well-established with your business built, what happens when you fall on hard times and the business collapses? 

We’re Likely to Meet More White Women on Our Ascent: 

The other part of this notion of “men staying single until you build your business” speaks to Dr. Umar’s point of how white women are likely to meet us before the business is built.

Can you stay in black communities and be successful? Yes.  

Are you likely to be MORE successful by leaving black communities and going to a hub where you can mingle with other races (white people), receive mentorship, and network to build connections leading to financial success? I’d argue, yes. 

A lot of the Black Male Athletes and Entertainers you read about who got married to white women, met these women during that “come up”. It was before they signed the 4-year multi-dollar contract. Before they were published. Before they made it to the big screen.

Again, that’s not to say black women don’t do this for their black men…but it’s not as publicized as the white women who do this for their black men. (mainly because publishers know some women love to be angry at something and a rubbing the image of a fine black man with a white woman in their face is just the thing to get more clicks and views)

I remember the above image made rounds and ruffled feathers and I’m like…consider their location?  

In 2009, when I flew to my black male cousin’s graduation in Colorado Springs, he was only one of 4 black students in the whole graduating class. It wasn’t because of racism, there’s just not a lot of black people in the community.

The above photo represents the black population in the US and where they live. If black men leave those communities to go to a “better college” or a different city with greater opportunities, it makes sense that they’re going to run into women of different races. 

If I leave the US to go live my life in Japan, makes sense that I’ll find and marry a Japanese woman. 

Even here, in the Tampa Bay area. I live in a city called Palm Harbor. It’s mostly upper middle class white people around these parts with some Latinos. Most of the black people in the Tampa Bay area live east of the bay, around East Tampa, Brandon, Riverview.

Recently, when the city made news because a woman incited a riot brawl at a skating rink because her daughter’s party was canceled…that was in Brandon. 

“Wow, Rock. It sounds like you’re saying that the worst parts of the city are where black people are mostly populated.” 

I’m not the only one saying it. You know who else is saying it? Black people. 

Everyone and their mothers know that it’s not this glamorous or proud thing to live in a community where teens walk around sagging, graffiti on walls, gangs and loud music blaring down the streets, or sending your kids off to schools where most of the children are being raised in single parent households.

Black folks in Chicago have been crying about it for years, how they wish they had the financial means to leave their neighborhoods so their children and grandchildren could get away from the threat of drugs and violence.

No, I’m not saying no one wants to live around black people. My family in Louisiana is a community of predominantly black people and you don’t hear of people getting shot and houses broken into daily, primarily because more than being black folks, they’re Southern Baptist folks (church and Christ comes first). 

My point is, Black Men dating White Women may have more to do with location, circumstance, and opportunity than simply seeing White Women as the superior more desirable option. 

So, if it’s true that black women require Black Men to first build themselves, you run the risk of losing that potential husband to a white woman who happens to be around him while he’s in the process of building himself up and feelings manifest during the meantime. 

Will a Black Man leave a Good Black Woman? 

Lastly, I’ll leave you with this, because in the video, a black woman makes an emphatic statement about how there are Black Women who build up and invest in their boyfriends or husbands, only for that black man to then leave her for a white woman.  

I have it queued up in the video below. (warning, curse words) 

Her points seem valid. I don’t want to be dismissive of it. If it’s true that the man SHE built up didn’t remain loyal to her…she has every right to be upset. If it’s true that the man SHE invested in left her with someone else, she has every right to be upset. 

“Hang, Rock! Are you mad at her for generalizing? Because that’s what you do?” 

Remember when I said women seem to be more susceptible to the herd than men? Part of that is this tendency for individuals to act like if you talk about one, you’re talking about them all. Now, speakers have to throw in the caveat of “not all” to keep people from being offended when really, if you’re talking to a mature person, it should go without saying.

I’m not mad at her for generalizing. She claims that men are disloyal. I know she’s not describing me, so I’m not offended. 

“Nah uh! But earlier you said you got mad at Dr. Umar for generalizing about Black Men!” 

When Dr. Umar was asked, “do we have to be accountable for their poor selection?” 

Dr. Umar answered, “You have to be held accountable, because they have a poor selection.” 

On that, I call BS. That right there is a slap in the face of every man who’s resisted temptation, walked the right path, and worked hard to build themselves up with little to no reward. I mean, picture it! 

Imagine a man who’s busting his butt, studying, cranking out reports, working 60-hour work weeks for years, all with no support, no love, no affection, while the Sistahs getting bedded down by the Pookies and Ray-Rays. And instead of looking at the Pookies and Ray-Rays, Dr. Umar is pointing at us hard workers and saying, “It’s your fault Pookie and Ray-Ray exist!” 

“That’s not what he’s saying, Rock. You’re just interpreting it that way.” 

Nonsense. The question was about the poor selection of black women, which means, there is still a selection of men that women can choose from that’s not the “poor ones”. 

Then comes the question of, “When should a woman choose to help a man build and how do you know?” 

Because let’s say that woman’s criticisms are true, and she does risk pouring so much into him only for him to then leave her for another woman.  

I honestly don’t think there’s a “one size fits all” answer to that question. I do think it’s on you to set boundaries and not allow yourself to be taken advantage of. I also think it’s better to wait until marriage before you have sex with him, because for many, it’s the carrot at the end of the stick. 

And if you’re following God’s principles via the Bible, then you’d know that money and material things aren’t the most important aspects of a relationship.  (Matt 6: 19-21)

Three celebrity couples come to mind when it comes to Black Men who stayed with their Black Women. Michael Jai White, Denzel Washington, and Ice Cube.

Why am I bringing up these celebrity couples? Well, it’s my fervent belief that the best way to instill wisdom and discernment in a person when it comes to prioritizing virtues in a potential spouse comes from the examples you were raised with.  

A lot of people tend to go after partners that produce chaos and dysfunctional relationships because that’s what they’re used to, it’s what they’re comfortable with. If you’re not used to being with a good man or woman, it might make you feel awkward and out of place. You might try to self-sabotage or make things intentionally difficult to make up for your self-doubt.  

What self-doubt? Well, I’ve read from many that those who know they’re guilty of all kinds of sinful and immoral behaviors in the past…they tend to feel unworthy when they’re with someone who’s good-natured, kind, understanding, and treats them right.

If you look at the black women of these celebrity men who have been married for well over twenty years, you can tell by looking that they all have something in common. They’re helpmates. 

The above clip shows Denzel Washington talking about how his secret to a good marriage was being with a good woman. When describing her, he talks about how she helped him.  

I know…Modern Culture has indoctrinated ladies to ask, “why is it all about her helping him!? Why can’t the woman be the focus and men help the ladies to build something and achieve greater things?” 

The answer is, he can. But the priority, at the foremost however, the woman was made to be a helpmate for men. (Genesis 2:18) I’ve found that the more humans turn their backs on how God designed us to live, the more we’re frustrated with life. 

It’s kinda hard to describe this in secular terms because we all know of couples where it seems the woman wears the pants in the relationship. But how many of those marriages last for a lifetime? 

To wrap it up, I’m not convinced that “Black Women are Not Building with Black Men“. We can get mad at social media for portraying black women as such, but that’s nothing new. Even if you just watched the news, if you get too absorbed in what you’re seeing, it can distort your reality a bit.

For instance, I read the New York Post daily. If I’m not careful, I can be convinced that stabbings are happening on every block, avenue, and street, while overlooking the fact that millions of New Yorkers use the subway lines to and from work every day and nothing happens to them.

Just be the change you wish to see in this world. If the stereotypes aren’t true, prove it by example. That’s really the best we can do.