On April 5, 2025, I got married to a woman who I met through the Dating Apps. And at the wedding, one of her invites, a father-figure who I now call, “Mr. Ribs,” kept telling me, “You know what, young man! You found a good wife. And the Bible says, he who finds a good wife, found a good thing and favor with the lord.”
He said this, not once, but about three times…As if I didn’t know. As if I wasn’t already fully aware that I am blessed and found that rare Proverbs 31 woman…as if, it wasn’t until he pointed it out, that I went, “Oh my god…you’re right!”
No, no, no, ladies and gentlemen. I’m not a “throw caution to the wind” kind of guy. I’ve had plenty of opportunities to get with many woman over my 38 years of life, but I chose Julia. Why? Because I recognized she was “wife material”. Allow me to explain…
Points Discussed:
- A Man NEEDS to Be Respected
- Why “Plain Janes” Get Wife’d Up over Hot Girls:
- Marriage Will Be Difficult if YOU LET IT
- Will She Be a Good Mother?
- I Was Worried About Her Being Too Ugly
- She Acts like a Girly Girl
- She Treated Me Like a Husband BEFORE I Proposed
Let me start out by saying that it took twenty years to find a wife. When I talk to my grandmother or older co-workers (paralegals) who have known me for over 15 years, the first words out of their mouths were, “You waited a long time for this.”
Seriously, it’s 2025. My twenty-year high school reunion is this year. Ever since I was 16, my primary goal in life was to start my own family. But I’m just now getting married. What took me so long?
I’m not going to go into details about the culture and all the obstacles a Christian man has to endure navigating this morally corrupt society that benefits the “lukewarm” Christians and those who leave their religion at the door when it comes to dating. (Prov 31:10-31)
Instead…I’m going to focus on what happened within just three months of meeting Julia that eliminated all doubts. I’m also going discuss the wisdom God gave me to recognize her value. Because if there’s been one criticism people have consistently accused me of these past twenty years since graduating high school…it’s that I’ve always been “too selective”.
A Man NEEDS to Be Respected
When you come across dating advice content on Youtube or blogs, you’ll find no shortage of cliché statements like, “a man needs to be respected.”
As one who’s lived most of his adult life alone, it’s difficult to understand what they mean or even if it’s true. Even with past girlfriends, “respect” isn’t the thing that I valued the most from them. Unless…I was misunderstanding the word.
When I decided to make Julia my girlfriend, I told two people. My older brother (40-year-old, married with a daughter), and my mentor (a 60-something year old Criminal defense attorney).
Both were elated for me and offered up theories as to why chose her. They used two different phrases, but essentially they meant the same thing…it was Respect.
My boss and mentor, told me, “Well, Rock…you kinda need to be worshipped.”
And after laughing with him a bit, he rephrased it to say, “You need to be admired. You’ve done a lot and come far from where you started. You need to be with someone who recognizes that and they’re impressed by you.”
My older brother said something similar, “It’s Respect. You need to be respected for who you are and what you’ve done.”
To be honest, it was strange hearing that. I had no idea how right they were. I never walked around, pounding my chest, screaming, “RESPECT ME!”
Though I have said in the past that, “I don’t NEED validation…but it would be nice.”
In 2018, I befriended a Colombian woman who worked at my law firm. She was married and I wasn’t attracted to her, so I never thought of her as more than a friend.
But there were many nights after work when we used to talk for hours. And gradually, I realized that the main reason why I loved talking to her was because she demonstrated how “fascinated” she was by me.
She admired me. She gushed over the things I told her, from the books I wrote, to how I handled certain situations. You could see her eyes light up, that she was so impressed by me. I loved that feeling. So, I looked forward to talking to her more than any other person at that point in my life.
Since 2009, the culture’s been pushing the notion of how “we’re all the same” or “equal.” Which basically means that no matter what you do to improve yourself, you’re still the same as those who don’t.
And thus…a lot of my Millennial peers, the women I wanted to get with…they gave me the impression that they thought I was “full of myself.” They saw me as arrogant and too self-confident, which were all turn offs.
That sucks because, essentially, the implied message is that men should hide how great they are just to make others feel comfortable or on their level. And maybe that’s fine for today’s woke corporate world, but do I really want that in my marriage?
If you’re Superman and you put on this disguise of being Clark Kent just to blend in with other humans, hiding the fact that you’re stronger, faster, and more capable than everyone else all day long…wouldn’t it be better to simply find a woman who acknowledges and admires that you are indeed, Superman?
“Really, Rock? You think you’re Superman?”
The point is…in order to “blend in” with my 20-something-year-old peers…I had to hide my “super powers” of getting in great shape, conducting research, writing books, and sending out query letters to get novels published. That was “different” from the way they lived their lives.
“But Rock! Anyone can get in great shape! You’re not that special.”
Anyone can…but do they? And instead of reacting with awe and inspiration…I detected contempt and resentment. You could tell from their sneers, the way they’d go silent as if I just claimed I voted for Trump.
“Well, Rock! Do you respect her? Do you admire and respect the kind of woman she is!?”
I’m glad you asked, because this is really important.
Why “Plain Janes” Get Wife’d Up over Hot Girls:
What I’m about to say might sound bad or that I’m disrespecting Julia. But it’s the truth that too many people lie about. And if all you hear are the sugar-coated stories, you’re not learning anything new.
When I first started talking to Julia, it wasn’t her physical “beauty” that kept me interested. That’s not to say she wasn’t beautiful or attractive…but historically, I had a “type.” Visually, I’ve been more attracted light-skinned girls (Hispanic or mixed) or clear colorful eyes (which is usually white women).
Why is it important to mention this?
Because too many ladies prioritize their looks (or the fact that they have a vagina) over developing a kind, cooperative personality that would be compatible with the type of husband they claim they want.
Yes, you could blame men for going after the slutty ones, the hot girls who are showing off their assets and twerking in public…but the question you ladies gotta ask yourselves is, “Do those men marry those women?”
Last year, a woman asked, “Why is it so hard for ‘pretty girls’ to come across a decent guy? It seems like all the Good Guys cuff the Plain Janes.”
From our first date…Julia proved herself to be a supportive helpmate in my life. It was on Saturday May 18th 2024, two weeks after we first started talking. I had to make the 2-hour drive from Tampa to Orlando where we were set to spend the day at Dave & Busters.
And while I was stuck in horrendous I-4 traffic, Julia called to keep me company. For over an hour on the phone, we laughed and had a fun conversation that made the slow traffic easier to deal with.
I didn’t ask her to do that. I didn’t even know how helpful it would be. When you’re a man who’s been self-sufficient and living by himself for the past 20 years, you’re not the type to have a lot of expectations or depend on others to do for you.
So, when someone enters your life and immediately makes things easier…it’s hard not to be pleasantly surprised. Like, “Huh…I had no idea life could get better.” Or, “wow, I had no idea how much this actually helped.”
This is what a lot of ladies, even conservative ladies don’t get. Men like me will never ask what a woman brings to the table. We don’t go into dating hoping to find a woman who’s primary functions are to cook, clean, and conceive. We’re not even looking for a woman to lord over us and make us our sandwiches.
The Plain Janes get wife’d up because they come into our worlds and make it better. They don’t come into our worlds and say, “I’m here now. Entertain me. Do for me. Spend money on me.”
No. The so-called Plain Janes understand that love is more about doing for others, than wanting others to do for you.
“Well, Rock! Maybe you’re just different. The problem is most other men actually do want a woman who…”
So, what if they do!? Don’t you see?
Society and modern culture have conditioned so many into the thinking that Men cannot have preferences of what they want in a woman. Women can! They can say they want a man who’s making 6-figures and pays all the bills and protects and provides. But if men say they don’t want a woman with a high body count…he’s shamed, insulted, and guilted for having such a standard.
And the difference between those who get wife’d up and those who don’t, are the women who understand that Men are free to have wants and preferences too.
That understanding was key to me recognizing the gold in Julia when I saw it.
Marriage Will Be Difficult if YOU LET IT
There’s so many clichés and stereotypes about how relationships and marriage are going to difficult and challenging…I always believed that this doesn’t have to be. We as men do NOT have to accept a difficult overbearing woman in order to be married or in a long term relationship.
“Rock, calm down. You’ve only been married for a couple of weeks. What do you know about long-term relationships? It will be difficult. You just haven’t encountered it yet.”
That’s a perfectly reasonable response for a small-minded person who truly doesn’t believe people like me exist. I’m not trying to be insulting, but you guys need to understand that things like difficulty, rich, poor…these are just mindsets. What’s “work” to you, is fun to me, and vice versa.
As “Mr. Ribs” pointed out at my wedding, I wasted “NO TIME” in wifing up Julia. That’s because I knew I found a wife that blew all stereotypes out of the water. Allow me to explain.
Check out this Instagram reel, it’s from Love is Blind where a man calls out his girlfriend for not doing the dishes when he busted his butt to grill food for her entire family.
He doesn’t yell at her. He doesn’t belittle her. In a calm and understandably disappointed tone, he clearly lays out why he’s upset with her.
And instead of showing some semblance of compassion, understanding, or acknowledging anything she could’ve done differently, she went straight to “don’t make me out to be the bad guy. Don’t make it seem like I’m not doing my part” as she goes on to twist it into making herself out to be the victim.
The moment I see this in a woman, I shut down all thoughts of marrying her. I don’t accept it. The only way to find out if she’s this kind of woman is if you as a man have the courage to tell her your honest thoughts. A lot of guys don’t do this for reasons ranging from stereotypes and cliches of what masculinity are, to the legit fear of pushing her away and being seen as feminine or inferior in her eyes. I had that same fear, but my courage was greater.
Another example from the Season 4 Reunion of Love is Blind (my wife got me into this show), where Paul explains why he chose not to marry Micah. On the show, he said along the lines of, “I can’t picture her as a mother.”
Will She Be a Good Mother?
Micah was a 26-year-old blonde woman who demonstrated a lot of immature behavior. But as per usual, people overlooked all of that to latch onto Paul’s one quote that apparently is blasphemy against women.
On the reunion show, Paul explained himself beautifully. Paul pointed out that he didn’t say Micah wouldn’t make a good mother. It’s that he just didn’t see it. Ladies…he just didn’t SEE IT! Meaning, if Micah did indeed possess the good qualities of a mother, Paul did not see it.
Why is this important?
How many times have people claimed the supported you…but you didn’t feel supported? How many times have people claimed they were proud of you, but you just didn’t see it? How many times have people claimed they loved you, but you felt they treated you like garbage?
When Paul was asked what Micah had to do to show him those qualities, again Paul gave an amazing answer. He said it’s one of those things that just has to come out organically. It’s not something you can just tell a person to do or how to behave, otherwise the other person will resent it. It has to be organic.
Boom. He’s absolutely right. What Paul is saying, is IF you possess the qualities of a good mother, just like IF you claim to be a Christian…it would be demonstrated in the way you carry yourself and how you treat others.
In my opinion, the qualities I want in a good mother are one who is soft, nurturing, compassionate, self-sacrificing, with mind who’s focused on serving others. She’s a person who’s concerned with how others are doing, whether their needs are met, whether they’re taken care of.
Even before our first date, Julia had already demonstrated that she’d be a good mother because she had years of practice. She’s the second oldest of seven siblings. She had to be a mother figure for her youngest brothers and sisters, the youngest still in elementary school.
Some women have resented that kind of burden because they see their family as a hindrance, holding them back from traveling the world, having all kinds of fun and living the carefree life their peers are living. Julia took pride in caring for her siblings and being a super-woman of sorts for her family.
But here’s how I knew that I really found Gold in being with Julia. There was an incident that happened that really opened my eyes to how rare (Proverbs 31) of a person Julia is.
I Was Worried About Her Being Too Ugly
First off, Julia reads my essays. So, I apologize to her if the sub-heading is too much. But I really think a lot of women can learn from her example. It’s not exactly something that makes front page news. Or rather, if it does, the focus would be on how much of an asshole I am, as opposed to how graceful and loving she was.
A week before our first date, I started to get worried that Julia was cat-fishing me. I was worried that she didn’t look exactly like the pictures she posted on her Dating profile (because of filters). In short, I was worried about her being too ugly.
If Julia was here, she’d tell you that my “short essay” (text message) conveying such concerns was well thought-out. She could tell that I wasn’t trying to be hurtful, though I knew the truth would indeed hurt.
I get it. Any woman in their right mind would take offense to my concerns. They’d call me shallow. They’d say “Awww. She’s cute! You haven’t even seen her in person yet! You deserve to die alone for being so rude and insulting.”
No lie, if she was my daughter, I’d probably say the same thing and be like, “Eff, that dude. Move on. You deserve better.”
Julia wasn’t like that at all. Yes, I could tell she was hurt by my concerns, but she set aside her own personal feelings to prioritize how I felt. She showed such grace and compassion in her response.
I’m going to let that marinade for a moment. Out of all the reasonable and understandable ways she could have responded to my very rude and insulting concerns…she responded with grace and compassion.
Julia was more worried about my feelings, than her own pain, anxiety, and possibly embarrassment. Again…this is unheard of! It’s the opposite of every stereotype and cliché we’ve heard about women, especially black women.
Julia didn’t berate me or curse me out or use Shame, Insults, Guilt, and the Need to be Right to break me down and coerce me into changing my mind. She demonstrated empathy and understanding by agreeing that “looks are important”. She even went so far as to suggest a video chat before the date just to appease me.
That’s literally how you kill someone with kindness. I was at work when I saw her text message suggesting the video call and felt like the biggest asshole on the planet for even contemplating putting her through something like that.
I can see the cynics and naysayers looking at this situation and thinking to themselves, “Oh, it’s because Julia has no self-respect.” Or that she had such a low value of herself.
But for me…I acknowledged what was happening. Julia is not an idiot. She simply made me her goal and was willing to do whatever it took to be with me. Ladies and gentlemen…what kind of man would I be if I didn’t honor a woman like this?
That’s why I told my brother, “Julia earned me.” And by earned “me,” I mean she earned my respect. That’s what I’ve been saying for years. Christ tells us to love one another. But my respect…I don’t believe there’s another woman on earth who would’ve responded the way Julia did.
This is a woman I can work with. This is a woman who I can trust with my thoughts and concerns. This is a woman I can trust with my heart, my honesty. I don’t have to wear a mask with her. I don’t have to pretend with her.
Since that time on, Julia has proven to be my peace. Out of all our trips and dinners and movies, I probably paid for 85% of everything and it’s been my honor to pay for everything because that’s how I demonstrate my ability to provide. She lets me be the man.
And in return, she minds me. She tends to my comfort and convenience. She knows how to cook well. Ladies and gentlemen…she gave me a pedicure! I’m telling you, as a Christian man who read how Christ washed the feet of his apostles and could never imagine myself washing anyone’s feet…Julia washed, scrubbed, clipped my nails, and put a mask on my feet.
When she did that…I’m telling you…if you’ve never had a woman wash your feet and take such pleasure in wanting to please you…that was love.
She Acts like a Girly Girl
When I say she acts like a Girly Girl, that’s just my hyperbolic way of saying she embraces the adorable Femininity I grew up to desire in a woman. I’ve never been into the assertive, boss babes, or the strong and independent women who are out to prove they don’t NEED no man, or anything a man can do, a woman can do too.
Julia’s parents raised her to stay away from activities that were “meant for the boys.” So, she grew up knowing how to do her own hair. She likes changing it up and getting her nails done. She’s soft, affectionate, easy to tease, fascinated, impressed, and has no shame in demonstrating that she’s crazy about me.
What I mean by that…I’ve been with ladies who were “too afraid” to let on how much they liked me out of fear of “giving me too much power” in the relationship.
I think that’s a masculine quality, this need to possess the most power in a relationship, or to compete and project yourself as better than the person you’re with. That’s what men do. And it makes sense why men would be this way.
When I met Julia’s mom and family for the first time, I saw a different side to her. Being the 2nd eldest of seven siblings with sisters still in high school and elementary school, Julia was a general! She’s on top of everything, making sure everything gets done.
Seriously, you should have seen her the night before the wedding. I now call her my “Pretty Little General.” She gathered her large family around in the hotel room and gave them orders about when to be ready and when to pick her up…and they listened! Lol, it was so adorable to see them heed her commands as if they were really her troops!
Lol, but with me…Julia’s a puddle of cuddliness, ready to follow me path. That being said, I do think the reason why she doesn’t have to be a general with me, is because I’ve proven myself to be a capable leader when it comes to making plans, preparing, and following through.
When Julia’s with me, she knows I’ll take care of her. Territorial and protective. Almost like a German Shepard, the moment someone enters my territory, even if I’m talking to Julia and cracking jokes, my attention is now full alert on this stranger. I’m watching. I’m ready.
Lol, I can’t help it. Julia’s mom recognized it and said I had “Double Vision,” where I’m able to pay attention to you while keeping an eye on what’s happening on the other side of the room.
When she’s with me, she doesn’t have to worry about a thing. I’ll take care of it. My world has no stress. It’s stable, consistent, reliable, and protected, allowing her to lower her shoulders and relax.
And I know some women like to say that a Man has to exhibit these qualities BEFORE she can relax in her femininity, but I’m not sure if that’s wise. We still live in a culture where men are expect to pursue and bend the knee for the most part. That means women are the products and men are the consumer. Before the consumer buys, he first has to know he’s getting a good product. Leading me to…
She Treated Me Like a Husband BEFORE I Proposed
If I had to sum up all the reasons why I decided to marry Julia, it’s because she “treated me like I was her husband before I even proposed.”
Ladies…this is huge. A lot of ladies don’t like that message. I’ve seen videos where women tell other women that they shouldn’t prioritize a man or make him feel important UNTIL he marries you.
However…the Men you “claim” you want to marry tend ask themselves questions like: “Can I envision a future with her as my wife? Can I see myself waking up to her every day? Can I spend the rest of my life with this woman?”
You can help your man answer those questions by SHOWING him what a marriage to you looks like.
If you’re super negative. If you hardly ever smile or compliment him. If you’re constantly nagging or pushing him to be someone he’s not. If you’re never satisfied, never grateful, barely give any words of encouragement…if you don’t prioritize him.
If you demonstrate that other people, other things, and other goals like your career are more important than him…he might still like you, but his future with you as his wife looks unpleasant, stressful, and unfulfilling.
I proposed to Julia on December 10th, 2024, on a Tuesday night in the middle of downtown Philadelphia with a crowd of onlookers screaming and applauding us. But the thing is, I knew I wanted to propose to Julia way back in August 2024.
I knew Julia was “the one” because she already treated me like I was her husband. She follows my lead. We do Bible studies together. She takes pleasure in serving me. It’s not a burden to her (no lie, we often compete when it comes to cleaning up after each other).
On my birthday, she cooked a five course dinner for me. Lobster, steak, and homemade mac-and-cheese, and mashed potatoes. It was amazing. She was raised to know how to cook, so she doesn’t use measuring cups. She tastes and adjusts the flavor as she goes.
One of Julia’s best qualities is her ability to listen to reason!
Real Example: One night after working out, we were driving to get food that I already pre-ordered and paid for. Julia wanted to order more on her app. I told her not to do that, citing the reasons of 1) it’ll add time to our outing, 2) it’s money we can save since the order was already paid for and cost us nothing, and 3) we don’t need the additional carbs so late at night.
As much as I could tell she really wanted it, she said “yeah, you’re right” and put her phone away.
I don’t enjoy telling her what to do. I don’t like telling her no. But this is the leadership that I’ll need to exude in our family. And it’d be difficult if she’s constantly fighting me on every call.
Thus…Julia’s agreeableness is an attribute I cherish. It demonstrates that she trusts my judgment. And with that “responsibility,” comes the masculine chip on my shoulder to not lead her astray, or put her in harm’s way, or let her down.
There are some black men (like Kevin Samuels) who can deal with the attitude and combativeness of a woman who’s challenging your every decision. But I don’t have that level of patience.
Julia agrees with about 98% of what I say, think, and want. It’s not because she’s my slave or she doesn’t like to think for herself. It’s because 1) Julia is intelligent, 2) Julia’s ego isn’t wrapped up in power, control, or being in charge, and 3) Julia is able to recognize who I am, where I’m at in life, and not feel threatened or inferior because of it.
Meaning, Julia entered my world. She sees how I live, sees that my relationship with God is strong, that I’ve been able to hold down a job at the same law firm for over 15 years, that I’ve lost weight and kept it off for over 20 years, that I’ve followed through on my “hobby” of publishing my own books, that I own my own home in a safe, affluent part of town, that I have a 401k, and an HSA…
Julia is intelligent enough to recognize that I am husband material, worthy of being followed.
“Wow, Rock. You have a high and mighty opinion of yourself. Are you saying that if a woman doesn’t think you’re husband material, then they’re stupid?”
You have to be honest with yourself and recognize what you want. If you want a stable, consistent, hard-working, God-fearing, never cheat on you husband who plans on helping you raise our children to be polite, respectful, contributing members of society…it’s intelligent to choose me.
If none of that appeals to you. If you believe in gender fluidity and the notion of, “you should be able to do whatever you want as long as it makes you happy.” If you believe in the breakdown of gender roles and care more about what we want as a couple than what God wants for us as a couple…it would not be intelligent to choose me. Because I won’t stand for any of this.
To this day (April 21, 2025), Julia and I have never raised our voices to each other or argued about anything. She is soft and gentle and she laughs at my quick wit. When she does “catch an attitude,” it’s cute, playful, and lighthearted.
We’ve had disagreements and serious conversations, sure. But even on those rare occasions, we know how to talk to each other with kindness, love, and understanding. I’ll respectfully say, “Let me finish, babe” when she starts to cut me off.
I listen and ask questions before presenting my assumptions. And when I’m frustrated or annoyed by something she’s done, I know how to broach it with such levity that we end up laughing about it instead of leaving the discussion feeling awful about it.
And I think the key to our peace, is that we genuinely love each other. When we say a woman should be a “Man’s Peace,” I truly think that women (and men) demonstrate this by how much they’ll go to great lengths to avoid offending, neglecting, or disregarding their partner’s thoughts, concerns, or feelings.
Years ago I wrote this essay about how being a wife comes with conditions. I think it’s safe to say a lot of people claim to want marriage without fully understanding what that means.
Being married means letting go of the “freedoms” you once enjoyed as a bachelor. When you say “I do” at the alter and vow to forsake all others, it means letting go of any and everyone who stands to threaten the covenant of marriage you made with another.
And if you call yourself a Christian, it means letting go of the Feminists ideals that go against how God instructs husbands and wives to be. Wives are to submit to their husbands. If you don’t think he’s worth submitting to, then don’t marry him. It’s as simple as that.
Stage In The Sky 