Stage In The Sky

My previous post revealed my top four failed matches from 2014 and 2021. In this one, we’ll examine two more from 2024…just before I found “the one”.

Points Discussed:

1. Crystal – Is It a Deal Breaker if We Don’t Go to Church
2. Spiritual but Not Religious:
3. My Stance on Single Mothers:
4. Sonia – The Girl with Communications Issues
5. The Tactic of Using Ugly Photos
6. Inconsistent Communication:
7. She Prefers Exciting Drama over Boring Stability

Just a reminder, with these failed matches posts…this isn’t exactly advice. It’s just the brutally honest look into the world of an average 9-5 Christian man who went looking to find a wife. Some of it is hysterical. But hopefully there are lessons you can gleam.

Crystal – Is It a Deal Breaker if We Don’t Go to Church

Crystal was the woman who inspired my essay, “Is it a Deal Breaker if We Don’t Go to Church”. It’s an awesome essay, but I withheld certain details about her because I know people tend to get sidetracked from the main message.

After taking a three year break from dating apps, Crystal was the first woman I entered a “talking phase” with last year when I started online dating again.

It was March 2024. It had been a month since I signed up and combed through dozens of ladies who “liked me” and I “liked them,” but none manifested into an actual relationship of getting to know each other until Crystal came along.

Crystal was a 33-year-old black and Latino single mother who lived two hours away in the Orlando area. The first message she sent to me was, “Is it a deal breaker if we don’t go to church.”

Spiritual but Not Religious:

She asked this because, on my dating profile, I made it clear that God is number one in my life. I had it written: “I’ve been warned that this isn’t exactly first date material. But it is the standard I live by. (though I am flawed just like every other man and I’m happy to teach).” 

I respected her question. I respected it more than the previous ladies who claimed to be Christians but rejected parts of the Bible they don’t like. And I respect it more than the women who stress that they’re “Spiritual but not Religious,” almost as if to say to the rest of the world, “Don’t worry! I’m flexible and open minded! I’ll conform to the ways of the world over what the Bible says.” I think that’s a sign that they care more about what humans think than what God thinks.

Lukewarm Christians like that repulse me because deep down, they have a way of injecting doubt in my faith, as if I’m the foolish one for sticking to old “antiquated” Bible Principles, while so many are getting ahead and accomplishing the things I want (like getting married) because they’re leaving their Christianity at the door, while still claiming they’re going to get the benefits of being Christian. (Eccl 8:11)

So yeah…I gave Crystal a shot. I got her number and we entered the talking phase where we had several long and meaningful conversations. I appreciated and honored the fact that she was very upfront about what she’s going through in life and the all the extra baggage that came with her.

My Stance on Single Mothers:

Crystal was divorced from her man, but shared a child with him and the father was still an active part in both their lives. The father was also seeing another woman. I detected a hint of pain in Crystal’s voice, which isn’t a huge red flag…but something I knew I’d have to contend with. As in, this woman still has some feelings for him.

And when I point out something “I’d have to contend with…” Not going to lie, sometimes a part of me resented the idea that I’d have to contend with so much just to be with a woman, while the most she’d have to deal with when it comes to being with me is “no sex before marriage” and “this guy seriously likes to work and stay productive”.

Seriously, my house is in order. My finances are great. My world is ready for someone to step in, where she won’t need to compete with another human, friend, family member, or child (or pet) for my time, love, and attention. This all came from sacrifice, hard work and determination where I resisted temptation and endured years of “missing out” all because I believed in doing things the right way, providing a stable home for our future children. Yes…it did bother me that so many ladies didn’t do the same.

When it comes to my stance on single mothers, I’ve said that ladies had to fit three criteria.

1) They had to be smoking hot, more attractive in my eyes than the average woman.

2) Our chemistry had to be clicking in every facet. Meaning I can talk to her about anything. We know how to flirt. We have the same sense of humor. And I genuinely feel good every time I talk to her.

It means our mannerisms, our reactions, and affection with each other had to be “just right.” For instance, some people might think they’re showing enough affection when they smile, whereas it might not be enough for you. What you really wanted was a hug or greater enthusiasm, but the person is too low-key for you.

3) When I meet the child, the child has to be good, pure, and innocent. This has to be a child that’s so sweet and innocent, it’ll actually compel me to protect and provide for another’s cubs. I’ve seen some kids who are like angels and even though they aren’t mine, any man would be like, “this child must be protected!”

I’ve also seen some children who are clearly unruly, hyperactive, or filled with attitude and emotional problems…and I’m like, nah, I’m good.

With Crystal being two hours away, it was truly difficult to see if she fulfilled all three. When we talked on the phone, she told me she was a fan of Drake and the Love and Hip Hop shows. Remember the red flag of her interest in my last post?

She made remarks giving me the impression that, because I was a fan of the Backstreet Boys and didn’t listen to a lot of “black music,” I was weird in her eyes. She made snide comments wondering if I had “rhythm” and at one point I was provoked to ask in jest, “Am I not black enough for you?”

She quickly responded with, “No no! You are. I’m just not sure if rhythm is something I can teach you.”

Not gonna lie, that kinda irked me. “You Got Served” came out when I was a senior in high school and I literally dislocated my knee popping-and-locking at the age of 18. I can dance. Don’t worry about my rhythm.

Things like that bug me in the “Black Community” because there’s often these stupid assumptions that just because I’m a good guy, I smile, laugh, and try to be polite, basically if I “act white” in the eyes of a lot of these igna-ant black people, they assume I can’t dance, I got no street smarts, and I’m not capable of squaring up with the most thuggest of thugs if he run-up trying to act all big and brody.

Mind you, I didn’t say any of this to her. Just mental notes I keep stored for an ignition to my motivation. (like when I got nothing left in the tank, but I need to get this bench-press)

When I heard her 3-year-old son in the background, the child was loud, running around, and very active…not saying that’s a bad thing! Children will be children, but hearing that over the phone so soon, was a bit jarring.

As in, he sounds like a handful. Hard work from day one.

After Crystal asked me if it’d be important for our children to learn about God and Christianity and I wrote one of my best one-page letters explaining, “yes, it’d be very important” (I have it here, about 4/5ths down), Crystal ghosted me.

For a whole month, she didn’t respond to my text messages and left me alone. Mind you, I was willing to give her time to think about this…but at least have the courtesy to tell me, “Hey! This is pretty deep. Give me a couple of weeks or a month and I promise I’ll get back to you.”

Nope…she just left me hanging and it hurt. Seriously, being ghosted like that, didn’t feel good.

On April 10^th, 2024, a month after ghosting me…Crystal came back and tried to restart the relationship.

Here, I have to be honest. When Crystal came back, I was already in the talking phase with another woman named, Sonia.

Compared to Crystal, Sonia was 10x better looking, no children, and we clicked on so many levels that I deliberately ignored Crystal. That was…until things fell through with Sonia (which I’m gonna get to).

I was devastated when things couldn’t work with Sonia. So, to assuage my pain and the fear of being alone forever…I responded to Crystal a week after she texted me. I know…I’ve heard of women using guys as a rebound…but shame to say, I did it too.

The fastest way to get over a crush is to find someone else to have a crush on. Doesn’t mean it’s the best way…but it is the quickest for me.

Thus, I gave Crystal a second chance. At the same time, once you’ve messed up with me, as she admitted she did, the penetration of my heart will be more difficult than if we had just met and you had a clean slate. Meaning, I didn’t invest my feelings like I did before.

Ultimately, I had to let go of Crystal for the same reasons why I had to let go of Sonia. Horrible communication. This Instagram reel sums it up.

These reels and seeing other men speak on issues that go against the cliches of what Masculinity is…they really helped a lot. All men aren’t the same. And just because we’re different from whatever stereotype you have in mind, it doesn’t make us less…just different.

So, let’s go ahead and talk about Sonia…

Sonia – The Girl with Communications Issues

Alright, so I have to be careful here, because I know my future wife reads my essays and I don’t want her to think I still have feelings for this girl. But it is important to convey how much hope I had with her, and how such high hopes led to an embarrassing fall.

Sonia was a light-skinned, hazel eyed, 31-year-old Black, Puerto Rican mix who was born and raised in the Bronx.

She didn’t have any children. She liked the Backstreet Boys (in addition to Drake and other popular hip hop songs), she went to a Christian school and rejected all the black agendas pushed by CNN and Leftists. She actually supports law enforcement and Blue Lives Matter.

Our chemistry was through the roof, same sense of humor, we’re both into fitness with her being a former high school basketball player…and she was fine as f***!

I can’t post real pictures of her, but she was perfectly my type. And she was sending me a lot of pictures…and each one made my heart swell with hope and anticipation.

Matching with Sonia was a bit unusual to begin with, however. She found and liked my profile on Match.com about a week after I was ghosted by Crystal in the middle of March 2024. I remember seeing her e-mail notification come through. And from first appearance, I wasn’t interested.

The Tactic of Using Ugly Photos

The profile pic she used (which appeared in my email inbox) showed a scowling ugly expression that appeared uninterested and unflattering. Because of that, I wasn’t in any rush to sign in and check out her other photos.

But that afternoon, when I looked through her profile and scrolled her pictures…I found that she was indeed beautiful. She’s smiling in her other photos and it melted my heart.

Later, when I’d ask her about that profile pic, she said she deliberately picked it to ward off the men who were only interested in her for lust and sexuality. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard of women doing this, but I don’t think it’s a wise strategy. And with Sonia, I don’t think it’s the whole truth. Allow me to explain…

Part of me does think it’s smart to use a profile pic that shows your natural resting face without the makeup, because if a person thinks your “worse” is still attractive, then it’ll only go up from there…as opposed to being glammed up with a pound of make-up to look like someone else and then disappointing them when the makeup comes off.

But with Sonia…her natural face was good. Her expression was an issue. She wore the mug of someone who seemed fed-up with life and was tired of dating. I should’ve put a pin in that red flag, but maybe it wasn’t that big a deal?

Sonia and I courted each other for about two weeks, where she told me that she was a nurse living an hour away. The first time I called her, I was coming out of the gym, so I was feeling super confident and she called me back.

Every time we talked on the phone, we’d talk for hours and I could fill up a book with all the things we discussed in just two weeks.

I remember she got me to see one of her favorite movies, “You Got Mail.” And I got her to see some of my shows on Netflix. She was in the process of getting ready to move to a new spot in the coming weeks, while I was about to fly off to Las Vegas for the first time.

We seemed to be a good match and all was going well. But there were things that I overlooked (forgave), probably because of pretty-privilege, but they were starting to accumulate.

Inconsistent Communication:

Sonia’s communication was a problem. Women are always talking about “consistency” and I agree. Consistency is important. Establishing a baseline, a solid pattern of what you can expect from the person provides stability, reliability, and builds trust that you can depend on the person’s behavior and habits.

The above video has a woman (I have it queued up) talking about wanting consistency and some men give her crap about being too clingy…I disagree with those men. I actually take her side. Everybody is different. There is no one-type-fits-all…being honest with yourself is the best way to avoid being in a soul-less, unfulfilling relationship. To each his own.

This reel below goes to show that there is no “one size fits all”. Some women like and appreciate those who text back right away, while others clearly hate it. So, be yourself and you’ll get with the person who’s best suited for you.

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A post shared by Lauren (@the_dadvocateig)

With Sonia, sometimes I’d be in the middle of a texting conversation, and she’d inexplicably stop texting and get back to me hours later. She did this multiple times in the middle of the day when I knew she wasn’t at work. She’d apologize and say that she fell asleep.

No lie…it was just by chance that, recently, my fiancee had me watching a “Love Is Blind” episode where Tiffany fell asleep when her future husband was pouring his heart out to her…so, apparently this is a thing women do? (…still can’t believe that shi…)

Anyways, I gave Sonia some grace because she was in the medical field, working odd hours and having to get up early. But still…I am a believer of “if you really want something, you’ll make it happen.” If she really liked me, then a heads up or forcing yourself to stay awake for the guy you want should be in the wheelhouse.

One time, Sonia wouldn’t respond on a Friday night for five hours because she claimed she was braiding her niece’s hair. And I’m thinking to myself, “Damn, son…You couldn’t just say, ‘hey, I’m braiding my nieces hair so I’ll text you later?’ Or, there wasn’t a single minute during those five hours that you couldn’t respond?”

That was weird. It didn’t feel good. It started to feel like I wanted her more than she wanted me. And I get that this is bound to happen in any relationship…but it started out so mutual in the beginning. It bothers me. My ego can’t handle it.

If the woman I’m talking to acts or treats me like I’m no big deal or that I’m not that important…I’m gone. The fact that I stuck around and tolerated this from Sonia…yeah, it was emasculating.

On Wednesday night, April 10th, 2024, the day before I was set to fly off to Las Vegas…

That night, we had an engaging four-hour conversation where it was really entertaining, we had a lot of laughs and learned a lot about each other…but she dropped four huge red flags that fed into my insecurities.

1^st Red Flag: She talked about how important communication was to her. She claimed she “had to hear from the person she liked within three hours or she’ll feel bad.” I was happy to hear it. I told her I felt the same way…so, keep this in mind as I continue.

The 2nd Red Flag: She told me her Puerto-Rican father treated women horribly. He was a player who used to beat women, but treated Sonia like a princess, giving her whatever she wanted. As a child, Sonia witnessed her father hit a man with a pistol and indulged in multiple girlfriends.

The 3^rd Red Flag: She claimed her longest relationship was seven years. That was an abusive traumatic relationship where her boyfriend was a drug dealer who physically beat her on a number of occasions. She said she stayed with him through “trauma bonding” because he was there for her when she lost her grandmother.

She also let it slip that she herself sold drugs when she was in high school. And even though she claimed she’d been single for the past six years, the way she questioned me about my virginity and how important “sex compatibility” was to her, I’m quite certain she was still having sex during these last six years of being “single”.

The 4^th Red Flag that really fueled my insecurity was the “other guy” she mentioned she was talking to from Match.com. She claimed she stopped talking to him, but still responds to him on Instagram “because he was insulting her and she believes in defending herself.”

Being in the Red Pill space, I may be a bit jaded. But I’ve seen way too many clips feeding to the notion that if a woman is not interested in you, she ain’t talking to you! Meaning, it doesn’t matter what you say or what cheesy pick-up lines you use, you simply do not exist if she’s not attracted to you.

So, for Sonia to be responding to him for whatever reason was a huge red flag. I suspected that deep down, she was still entertaining the possibility of being with him. And what’s alarming about this guy, is even though he’s a correctional officer, he told her that he wanted to get in the weed-selling business.

Have you noticed a pattern?

She Prefers Exciting Drama over Boring Stability

Her father engaged in criminal behavior. Her seven-year boyfriend (love of her life) was a drug dealer who beat the crap out of her and yes, she fought back on a number of occasions. And the guy she can’t stop herself from responding to on Instagram is also negative, disrespectful, and interested in selling drugs. What are the odds?

From my experience with her, and what I’ve seen from a lot of modern day black women (not all), I got the impression that she’s simply not used to being with a Good Man. As I’ve contended in the past, one of the biggest reasons why women fall for the “Bad Boy” is because it’s more comfortable, fun, and freeing being with a man who won’t judge you.

Meaning, if he’s a drug dealer, he’s likely not going to make you feel bad about smoking weed or acting like a 304…he’ll probably blast some Cardi B, celebrate, and dance along with you.

My behavior, on the other hand, the way I plan to treat my girlfriend and future wife with love, respect, and dignity…that’s something a lot of ladies who didn’t grow up in a healthy two-parent household are not familiar with. I’m not going to abuse you. I’m not going to beat you. I’m not going to put your life at risk or have all these moral/legal issues you have to come in and fix, argue, and berate me for.

Entering my world is blue skies, a steady breeze, and smooth sailing. And when I see the storm coming, I don’t just throw caution to the wind, risking the precious cargo on my ship all for the sake of greed or worldly fame, human respect, and a fortune that will mean nothing when I’m dead and gone. My sights are on the mission. Always on the mission. (Matt 6:33)

Things with Sonia unraveled during my trip to Las Vegas. That Thursday April 11th, things were good where we texted all day and I sent her pics of Vegas that night. But that Friday…granted, I knew it was a “moving day” for her, so I knew she’d be busy.

But she didn’t respond to my good morning text and wouldn’t respond at all until 4 o’clock in the afternoon. That kinda bothered me. Why? Because we already set a baseline, a habit of sending good-morning, good night texts to each other. I get that some people don’t like those kind of texts and they think it’s lame. But for weeks, Sonia and I have been doing this. So, to deviate from that baseline…it does make you wonder if something’s changed.

Because I’m thinking to myself, “there wasn’t a single moment during the eight hour window where she could’ve just responded back, give me an update, or just warn she’d be busy?”

Not to mention, just one day earlier, she already told me that she was the type of woman who can’t go over three hours without hearing from the guy she’s with. All of this led me to believe that she was talking to other dudes. Which, shouldn’t come as a surprise…but still, I think it’s unwise if you give a man the impression that you are.

“Still, Rock! You should just assume! That’s how modern women are!”

Anyways…seeing as how all this was weighing on my mind…I let her know. In a lighthearted text, I wrote along the lines of, “Hey, lol, unless you’re in the middle of surgery or a child’s life is on the line, all you have to do is just say you’re busy and I’ll understand. I just want to hear from you.”

Now, there’s a number of ways she could’ve taken that. Sonia could’ve read my message and saw it as endearing, that her man wants to hear from her. She could’ve responded with levity, apologized and said, “Aww! I’m sorry! Lol, we were just super focused on everything we got going on.”

And that would’ve put my heart at rest, secure in the knowledge that she still likes me. This…this is the level of compassion and consideration I require in a mate. It’s like the guy in the above reel said, a simple text to alleviate all doubts would’ve done wonders.

Instead…that text message made her upset. For the rest of the day she lacked any of her usual affection in her messages and I could tell she was losing interest.

So, the next morning, I may have shot myself in the foot with the message of, “Hey! So, in light of these communication issues…lol, I’m thinking you’re going to have to make it up to me. For our first date, instead of my coming to meet you in your city, you’re going to have to come to me.”

I get it. Sounds lame and all my “rizz” might have dried up. In my mind, it wasn’t an ultimatum…but that’s how she took it. She denied that she had any “communication issues”…conveniently forgetting about the times she fell asleep or couldn’t let me know she was braiding her niece’s hair…and she said she’d need to give it some thought. Which I interpreted as, “I need to consider if I still want to keep talking to you.”

So yeah…I felt awful ALL DAY. It was wretched. It was like a scene from a romantic comedy where I’m sitting in the airport and riding my flights, just thinking about how I completely blundered this relationship.

Suffice to say…her communication didn’t get better. It got worse. After two days of, essentially, the silent treatment where the only message I got was, “I’m with family and can’t talk right now,” I gave her one more day in which, she never got back to me.

And that was it. I was done.

By the time I got off work Monday afternoon, I called Sonia for the last time. It went to voice mail. I left a message saying it’s not going to work out. I didn’t call her names or blame her for anything. I didn’t even bring up the horrible communication as the main reason. I kept it calm and civil and left it alone.

As soon as I sent the message, I blocked her number, deleted her messages and all the pictures I had of her. I didn’t need to hear her response to that. It was inconsequential. As much as it sucked that things didn’t work out with her, I was proud of myself for picking up my balls and walking away.

Because, before I did, I felt like a little b***h. I felt embarrassed, like I was slipping into desperation, on my knees at her beck-and-call, waiting for the phone to buzz and get her texts. I felt pain and anxiety. I was ashamed of letting myself stoop so low. Unlike the meme above states, I really was suffering…but I also adjust.

I’ve said in plenty of essays that I don’t mind women “thinking” they have power over me. If I love her, she does in fact have some degree of power over how I feel (whether it’s sad, disappointed, happy, or thrilled) But the moment…the moment I realize you don’t deserve it or you’re abusing it, or you simply don’t know how to handle my tender heart that I usually keep locked up behind thick walls of distrust, doubt, and over eight years of Red Pill knowledge…

I’ll let this guy explain it.

My fault with Sonia came from thinking I was special. Donovan Sharpe likes to say, “She’s not your girl, it’s just your turn.” And sad to say, I really do think Men should safely assume that anyone as smoking hot as she was, at her age, and claiming to still be single…yeah, you’re probably one of five talking to her.

If the argument is that you should compete to beat the other five…part of me agrees, but it’s still on the woman to recognize you’re a better bet than the other five. I compete by staying in shape, by strengthening my relationship with God, by building my finances, owning my own home, and improving my depth and competency via knowledge, networking, and resources.

If Sonia was really deliberating between me and other guy who wanted to sell weed…well, why on earth would I want to compete for a woman like that? The jails, prisons, and probation offices are full of guys who would likely beat me when it comes to Sonia.

Lastly…it was my fault for falling for her too soon. I’m not one who believes in all these cliches and popular opinions about when you should be doing this or that. But my chemistry and attraction with Sonia…everything seemed to match and she was probably the first “match” that had everything I was looking for with none of the obvious hurdles (like children).

Even when I saw the red flags the day before going to Vegas, I still had hope because she was talking to me. She was giving time and attention to me. The moment she pulled back on that…the red flags I chose to ignore reached out and grabbed me.

And there you have it. Lol, those are the top failed matches from Online Dating. Criticize where you want, see lessons where you see it. It’s all good.

In my next post, I’m finally going to dive deep on the one match who worked, the one woman who earned my love, loyalty, and commitment. The one woman who I cherish so much, that I proposed to her in front of a crowd in downtown Philadelphia.

What made her so special? Stay tuned.