No Longer Diving In Headfirst

By: Rock Kitaro
Date: December 23, 2013

Jamie Cullum – Don’t Stop the Music Remix

man overlooking city

“I’m not the same person I was before.
I no longer dive in headfirst.
Now, I step lightly.
Slowly wading through the shallow waters,
Hiding my caution with a mask of confidence and apathy
I see the deep end. I want to get there.
But whether I do or not, depends on how hot or cold it is.
And the only one who can control the temperature… is you.”

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and planted it on my facebook page. While the concept of “no longer diving in headfirst” pertains to the tactic I plan to use in most of my future endeavors, it obviously pertains primarily to the aspect of romance.

Let me elaborate.

In my life, it seems I have a pattern of jumping into things headfirst, having to do a barrel roll and hit the ground running just to catch up with my peers.

It was like this when I was in high school. My parents, being strictly religious, kept me in a bubble of sorts, holding me back from socializing with my peers and restricting what we watched and read so that we kept a “pure mind,” failing to realize that the rest of the world isn’t like this.

Thus I was hindered when I entered my senior year of high school. I finally got a job and a driver’s license to exit that bubble.  And while most of my peers had learned how to handle such social dilemmas like friendship, comradery, romance and improvised interactions by the exit of middle school, I was just now beginning to learn such things like betrayal and the fact that not everyone is your friend.

Jumping ahead, upon graduating high school, I packed up my things and with the financial support of my family, embarked on a solo adventure of going to college and living in Tampa, Florida.

I was 18. My three roommates in order from oldest to youngest were 24, 22, and 19. The 24 year old was a former college football star who decided a career change, the 22 year old was a high school football star who already had years of college under his belt, and the 19 year old was a playboy with the looks of a Backstreet Boy.

I was 290 pounds at the time with a bad left knee, long jheri curls, and male boobs that left me unwilling to interact in situations where my physique would expose them. My roommates were older, more socially and romantically experienced.

Nonetheless, I had to jump out of the car, do a barrel roll, and hit the ground running to try and catch up with them. And for the most part, I did well enough to be accepted by them and the women in our circle. All the while hiding that I was mostly taking notes and learning, like a back-up quarterback for the number one ranked football team.

Let me be clear. While, yes, it was extremely difficult to face such mental hurtles… I feel grateful and blessed to have them put before me. I thank God for the strength, wisdom and patience to overcome them. I don’t feel bitter about the past. I USED TO!!! But not since I was 25. By then, I had learned to look at the past, and smirk. Often times, chuckling at the way I used to be.

I was a glutton, impatient, angry, vindictive, immature and spiteful.

Now…I can honestly say that I’m only just vindictive. And it serves as motivation, but that’s for another memoir.

Now that I’m 27, not even at 27, but even in my 26th year, I’ve had some extraordinary encounters with women. Some might say…unbelievable encounters.

“WAIT, ROCK! Why are you writing about this and putting it on your website!? Aren’t you worried that any female who comes into your life might wander onto your website and read this?”

lol…No.

One reason why, is because I understand that I can be quite difficult to understand. I’m not like most men. And that’s not to brag, because sometimes I wish I was. It would make things easier to just fit in, rather than being that nail that sticks out. Trust me, there is nothing noble about being rebellious. I blame it on my education. Once you’ve become aware, there’s no going back. But that’s for another editorial.

Also it’s always been my nature to be upfront when it comes to all of my relationships. Whether it’s sexual or platonic. Granted, I don’t lay all my cards on the table from the get-go. That being said, here’s a rule of thumb.

If you think I’ve already revealed most of my cards, then you’re dead wrong. It just goes to show how deep my well runs. My longest romantic relationship ran for nearly two years. But even in that adventure, my lovely barely scratched the surface that is Rock Kitaro.

Does that make me sound arrogant?

So what if it does? I believe this is the same for everyone. How can you think you possibly know everything there is to know about a person in two years? If you think you do, I say, that’s arrogant.

But I’m getting off topic, as I usually do.

As I explained to one of my previous lady-friends… for the past three years I’ve been working at a large media office building. I knew way back when I first started at the age of 24 that this job was just my bussing tables while I continue to build my career as a writer. So I told her, that I saw that office job as my “training grounds” for when I step into the light as this generation’s greatest story-teller.

She responded with, “So wait? You’re treating the rest of us like experiments?”

After a day or two to think about it. I came back and answered honestly, “Yes. I do.”

I wrote a memoir somewhere about treating people like experiments because I think everyone does this, only they call it “testing people,” so I won’t elaborate on that.

And let me make this clear, that I’m not a conqueror of hearts. I don’t see myself as a Casanova or Don Juan. I’m not proclaiming myself as this love-doctor or heavily sexually experienced player, because I’m not. I’m just highly aware of who I am, my strengths and my weaknesses. This self-awareness is what I think, sets me apart from most of my peers because, on more than one occasion, people either don’t want to think about their flaws, or worst, they choose not accept that they have it.

Because I’ve been single for so long, with hardly any experience under my belt in the area of relationships, yeah… I simply followed my heart in the beginning. For so long I was overweight and thought of myself as undesirable to women. This served as a motivation to fucking do something about it. So I did. It took four years of discipline, pain and sweat to drop from 378 to 225 pounds. So yeah, I’m feeling really good now, and I’m not ashamed to say it.

Now that I see myself as someone a woman might want in their lives, I’m careful on who I choose to pursue. But once I found someone, I used to jump in headfirst. I didn’t listen to stereotypes or follow some advice from a magazine. I simply just did what I honestly felt I wanted to do. Like…instinctually.

If I wanted to hear your voice, I’d pick up the phone and call you. If I wanted to hang out, I’d ask you to hang out. I have no problems complimenting a woman, especially those who puts effort in either their appearance or endeavors. I find that extremely desirable. And I’m very affectionate. Lol, I truly long to hold, carry, and caress every part of your body.

I know people who know me personally would probably read that last line with a shocked face, wondering why I’d put that out there. And with a cigar in hand, I’d raise one eyebrow along with my signature chauvinistic grin and say… “We’re adults, are we not? Also…thank you for reading.”

I’m not looking for someone to follow, or someone to lead. I’m looking for a woman who I can walk hand in hand with down the same path. A best friend. A companion. A lover who I carry an undying torch for.

Ladies and Gentleman…This isn’t an easy task for someone who was raised with an old-school mentality, yet born in 1986.

The thing that makes it problematic for honest and moral men such as myself is that other men have fucked it up for us so badly, that some women have become scarred from the lies and cheating that they’ve had to endure. So when they meet a chivalrous brother such as myself, they don’t know what to do about it. Their instincts don’t want to believe I’m telling the truth about my intentions and they’re too afraid of getting hurt again.

It used to bother me when women talk about how others mentally abused them, lied to them and cheated on them. It used to make me cringe when I talked to people in general who always pointed the finger at everyone and everything for the bad things that happened to them. Failing to take any responsibility whatsoever. Refusing to see that they let themselves be put in a position to get hurt or cheated on.

They scream, they assert! “I just don’t want to get hurt, ever!”

I say. If you don’t want to get hurt, then lock yourself in some kind of shelter and do nothing all day. This isn’t to be cold, but realistically, everyone gets hurt. Living life brings you pain. But that’s alright. Without pain, we wouldn’t be able to grow, to learn, to better ourselves. To know right from wrong, to adapt, to gain experience.

Embrace it. Own it! And take control! Stop depending on others for your source of entertainment and happiness. Simply look to yourself when problems arise. Lean on others for support and strength, but realize that in your one life to live…Everything depends primarily on you.

I have found several females with the same morals and goals as my own. They seem quite compatible, that they do. But it’s just as the first paragraph said. Instead of jumping in headfirst and letting them pick at the heart that’s left wide open on my sleeve, telling myself I can take the pain…

I’m gonna be cool. I’m gonna stop trying to plot and plan my next move like it’s a game of chess. Honest and up front about everything. Yet holding back on details they don’t need to know, unless they specifically ask for it. In which case, I’ll warn them, like throwing roadblocks in front of their inquiry. You know…silly questions like “do you think I’m fat?”

Don’t get me wrong, if the opportunity of a lifetime hits me, I’m going to jump at it. Or at the very least, tap the waters to see what I’m dealing with.

But still…Be cool. Be the flame…not the moth.

Be Cool

One comment on “No Longer Diving In Headfirst

  1. Pingback: No Longer Diving In Headfirst – A Romantic Declaration | Stage In The Sky

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