It was on July 3rd 2005, when I left home to start a new life in Tampa Florida. Since then, July 3rd has always been my own personal Independence Day. And since today marks the 20th anniversary of my leaving the nest…I thought I’d post some reflection.
If I could go back twenty years and talk to my 18-year-old self, what would I tell him? What would I tell that jeri-curled, 310-pound big black guy with no sense of fashion, no experience, barely any knowledge of the world, and yet filled inexplicably with uncanny optimism and determination.
Lol, I know the first thing I’d “WANT” to tell him is that it’ll take twenty years to find a wife. However, I agree with my wife’s opinions, that if I knew that revelation, I probably wouldn’t have put in all the work to make myself the man I am today. And I probably wouldn’t have attracted her or become the husband I needed to be.
So, I guess…more than anything, I’d simply offer my 18-year-old self some words of encouragement.
Because the truth about me that hardly anyone knows…is how much hate, anger, and resentment I harbored for so long. No one knows how much I’ve held myself back on a day-to-day basis. There was so much darkness in my heart. I was so selfish. So evil.
On the surface, you’d see a Clark Kent. Always smiling, laughing, and going out of his way to make those around him feel good. But on the inside…I was seething with rage.
It was the effects of being disenchanted when you find out the world isn’t what you thought it was, mainly because your parents raised you in a bubble in an attempt to shelter you from the truth. The wicked do prosper. Good things come to those who wait…but who wants to wait. And why must I suffer in silence, alone, for so long!? It didn’t seem fair!
Those were my thoughts for a long time before I read the Bible.
“But, Rock! I thought you said you were optimistic!”
Hahaha! I was. You see…by the grace of God, I’ve been blessed with the ability to escape this world by creating a new one…it was my first outlet before I took to the gyms and started boxing. I’m talking about writing.
Through my books and screenplays, I was able to pour into characters all my thoughts and feelings, not just the good virtues of optimism and determination…but also the evil ones.
In order to write a good antagonist, a proper villain…you have to understand why people are selfish. You have to understand desire and motives. You have to understand the allure, the enticement prompting a person to give into his internal darkness. Nice guys often finish last because doing the right thing is difficult, thanks to Satan and this system of things.
So…if I could step through a portal and find my 18-year-old self sitting at one of the computer desks up on the 4th floor of my film school…38-year-old me would walk up to him and tell him this:
“Hey, Rock…I’m proud of you, man. It isn’t easy to reject and resist temptation day in and day out. It’s not easy when you see all the obvious fast paths to get what you want, but you don’t go down those paths because you know it’s the wrong thing to do. So, I’m proud of you, bro.
“And you know what, just keep your head up. You’ll have spells of delusion and dreams of being bigger than you are…”
And he’ll stop me with an absurd look and ask, “Wait, what? Who are you?”
And I’d continue with, “Just listen. I know you don’t think I know you, but I know you. Trust me when I say you’ll encounter an intense envy when you see others getting the recognition you feel you deserve. But that’s alright. Let them have it. They’re getting their reward here and now.
“And I know…you want it now, too. You’ll eventually come up with some of the most brilliant analogies and parables to describe your tribulations, and all of that, it’s what makes you great.
“I say…embrace the pain. Because though your heart is fragile, and you’ll never truly stop being sensitive because it’s just who you are…it won’t kill you. The gift you have, which you know you have and others lack…is straight up defiance!
“That defiance will take you far, bro. Others will accuse you of being arrogant. They’ll say you’re full of yourself. They’ll say you’re being defiant towards God or the Bible, but that’s not true. You know it isn’t. The Christianity is there, it’s in your heart, you just don’t know the full truth just yet.
“But trust me when I say, that defiance will be the key to building you up from the lard of cookie dough you are now, into the sentinel you’ll eventually become.
“Just keep your head up. Keep striving to do the right thing. Apologize when you are wrong. Admit when you are wrong. And never be afraid to acknowledge those who are better than you.
“Believe it or not, that last part…acknowledging your betters…your peers will suck at that. The culture will move away from the competitive spirit of the 90s and your peers will be suckered into thinking we’re all the same regardless of the effort we put in.
“We don’t need to worry about you. Just like in high school, where you never cared about what the popular kids were doing, or followed the trends of what everyone else thought was cool…that gift of defiance will serve you well.
“Everyone else will become the stagnant pond, but your ship will be constantly in motion. It’ll hit some rough seas. You’ll face tremendous storms. But as long as God wills it, you’ll ship will not sink. Like a video game character, you’ll only continue to get stronger, evolving with experience points as you progress from one level to the next.
“Hahaha! On that note, prepare yourself for a boss battle to come. I don’t need to tell you who, you’ll know when you see them. And even there…though it will suck and there will be days when you want to scream out to the heavens…deep down, you know you love it.
“Lastly, no matter what…never forget how far you’ve come, but don’t live in the past. It’s a tricky line to walk. But you’ll adapt some affirmations to help you balance it. Sayings like, ‘the right path is the path i take’ and ‘my life moves in only one direction, forward.
“In the end, God will bring you back home. I know you don’t want to hear that. Trust me, the scars will always be there with you. But it’s not God who put them there. In due time, you will learn to forgive.
“Until then…keep doing what you’ve been doing. Using that fire in your heart to keep you going. That’s all I got to say.”
Hahaha! I honestly can’t imagine what my 18-year-old self would think about hearing all this from a 38-year-old man who looks almost like him. He’d probably be perplexed and think that was pretty gay.
But he wouldn’t forget. I know he won’t forget, because I remember every talk any adult has ever given me in which they expressed how much they believed in me. In fact, I can count them on one hand.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there were actually hundreds of times friends and family members complimented me or commended me for something I did or what they thought I could do…I had people encouraging him to be a Jehovah’s Witness, or to fit into some stereotype of what an 18-year-old should be, or what a black kid from Georgia should be.
But when it comes to those who saw my potential to do something great…maybe it’s because I’m not that great. Sure…
But looking at me now…I dunno. I could list all my accomplishments…but I don’t think I care anymore if people think I’m great (I only ever needed one, which is my current wife). Back then I did, for sure!
In fact, if 18-year-old Rock knew everything he’d accomplish by the age of 38…if he knew that he’d look the way I look at my age, compared to everyone else he went to high school with…i think gladness is the word that comes to mind.
Alright. I originally wrote a bunch more, but I think I’ll end it here lest I go down a rabbit hole. So, let me end it with this…
By the time I turned 19, the reality of the “real world” began to sink in and the injustice of the world, where nice guys finish last, and the wicked prospered was starting to take its toll…all while I ballooned up to 378-pounds because I lacked discipline.
You couldn’t tell me I was fat. You couldn’t tell me what to do to get better or how to improve. Because part of that defiance was stubbornness, pride, and a refusal to listen.
My brothers and I are all cut from the same cloth, where you couldn’t tell us that we can’t do something. We simply have to go for it and figure out why we can’t do it all on our own.
Twenty-years later, not gonna lie, I am still like that. I’m still stubborn, prideful, and I refuse to listen.
The difference, however…is that I use those qualities in a good way. The best way.
My defiance is towards this world. My stubbornness is the anchor that’s rooted in God’s word the Bible. My pride is for my love of God, Jesus, and a faithfulness to put them first to the best of my abilities. And my refusal to listen, is towards anyone who’s giving me advice that contradict how God calls us to live.
I’m not perfect. I’m flawed and stumble like anyone else. But I declare these things as a witness to myself, to hold myself accountable. Because unlike the hypocrites Jesus Christ warned about in Matthew Chapter 7, I’m fully prepared to be judged by the standard I pronounce.
Stage In The Sky 