First off, I want to make it clear that this isn’t to bash women. As a Christian man who’s gone to Christian Singles Mixers, it’s simply to answer the question inspired by ChishaZed’s Video, where women are all asking, “Why aren’t men going to these Singles Events?”
Also, another thing to keep in mind is that I don’t speak for all men or all Christian Singles events. This is just one man’s perspective. If it provides just a little bit of insight, hopefully it helps.
Points Discussed:
- Christian Men Don’t Follow the World
- Men Don’t Need Congregations as Much as Women Do
- The Church Makes Single Men Feel Lonely
- My Experience at the Singles Mixer
- Christianity and Feminism Does NOT Mix
Christian Men Don’t Follow the World
First thing to keep in mind, is Christian Men are different. Christian Women are different too, in fact, they’re rare (Prov. 31:10). However, I’m not going to spend a lot of time “giving both sides of the argument” in this post, because men aren’t the ones asking questions.
It’s women who are asking questions about men. So, I’m going to focus on providing a male’s perspective.
A lot of Christians (men and women) seem to think that “being young” means you have a free pass to live life however you want and make as many intentional mistakes as you want, going through your hoe phase and sleeping around since you can always come back to the church later.
For most of my 20s, even though I wasn’t going to a church, and I barely had a relationship with God, I was still raised with the Christian principles to know right from wrong. One of those principles was waiting until sex before marriage (1 Corinthians 7).
In ChishaZed’s video, the women complained about how the men attending these mixers who appeared to be players.
So, what if they are? If you’re doing YOUR part and living by the Scriptures, you’ll ward off those demons by waiting until marriage to have sex.
That’s what I did. Did you?
When people hear that, it’s reasonable to assume I’m saying I’m better than you or that I’m more righteous…but I really wish they’d focus more on what it took to resist temptation. It wasn’t easy. A lot of us suffered in silence, enduring years of loneliness and rejection while our peers (many who claimed to be Christian), got the girl, had all kinds of fun, and was accepted by “the world.”
Crystal Hayslett talked about this in one of her videos where she and another woman claimed they were raised in the church, but when they got to college, they went buck-wild. Why do you think that happens?
And before you say “that happens to men too…” ask yourself, “does it happen to the Christian men?”
When you were in college, looking as good as you did, were you attracted or enticed by a man who was clearly putting God first? How did you feel when you heard that a man was “saving himself”?
What does any of this have to do with Christian Singles Mixers?
Well…in order for men to go, they have to be involved with your church. And, well…
Men Don’t Need Congregations as Much as Women Do
There’s a saying…that women benefit from cooperation, men benefit from competition. A man can get kicked out of the village and still survive, if not, do better than when he was with the herd.
But if a woman is kicked out of the village, her chances of survival on her own are not as high. I’m not saying a woman can’t make it on her own. But between Men and Women historically speaking, Women have always been more dependent on the village.
Even on a secular level, this video talks about the differences between the genders and it can lead you to conclude why it makes sense for Women to be mostly in the church than men.
Men don’t “need” it. That isn’t to knock congregations. The Scriptures make it clear that God loves assemblies and encourages Christians to meet together for support, strength, and encouragement.
When I say we don’t “need” it…speaking on behalf of myself, I read the entire Bible on my own. By the grace of God, he gave me the will and the “pursuit of truth” to study it, meditate on it, and commit my life to Christ. If I had questions, I wasn’t too proud to reach out to Christians I trusted for answers.
But my faith, my salvation, didn’t come from a congregation or church family. It’s sort of like how I didn’t need a personal trainer or a class to keep me motivated and coming to the gym to lose weight. I did it on my own. Some people need others (like a congregation) to stay on top of them and keep them going…I didn’t.
When it comes to finding a wife, the obvious solution is to join a community where you’d expect to find another woman who’s striving to live by Christ’s standards, right?
Well…welcome to the 2000s where Christians are loose with their morals, Males are toxic, hitting on women is cat-calling, and asking a girl out is sexual harassment.
There were plenty of times where I “tried” a church or Christian community. I saw some pretty girls sprinkled about…but how do I approach them? Will they be appalled by my attraction and get creeped out by me as so many others have done before? Is it inappropriate to approach a girl in the church?
All of these stupid questions run through a guy’s mind to the point that he doesn’t even try. Why ruin his peace and sanity on something that might not even work?
And the biggest issue I ran into when I was invited to join some church or congregation was this…
The Church Makes Single Men Feel Lonely
In ChishaZed’s video, the women complained about the lopsided numbers, where there were 3 men to a hundred women in attendance. It’s not just with Christian Singles Mixers that I’m hearing this. But even for events put on by Matchmakers.
There’s even a guy in ChishaZed’s Video, I have it queued up here, who talks about how Christian Men will feel like a kid in a candy shop because there’s so many hot single women going to these Singles Mixers.
That sounds enticing for single men such as myself. So, what’s the problem? Why would a man like me be reluctant to go to one of these events?
Ladies, this is a big one. Compassion is encouraged.
When you’re a single bachelor, especially these days where more polls are showing that a lot of adult men don’t have that many close friends…we don’t like to put ourselves in situations that makes us feel more alone than which we already are.
When they say, “why aren’t there more men in the church?” I wish they spent more time talking about how alone the church makes them feel. Think about it.
How many times have you gone into a church and saw a single smoking hot woman sitting “by herself”? I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. But from what I personally saw, almost everyone had someone. Everyone has a friend group, or they’re with their families, or their children. The single childless men were by themselves.
That’s not to say Men don’t feel welcomed at churches. You’ll find no shortage of other families and men approaching you to make sure you feel at home. But the loneliness I’m talking about is the kind that can only be remedied by the love of someone who cherishes you above anyone else.
Even women complain that the only men in the church are all married. I know Men want to say that the church has become feminized and that pastors pander to women and that’s why Men aren’t going to church (like the video above).
But how many men do you think will admit that the church makes them feel lonely, like they’re missing out?
It’s kind of like being in a restaurant in which everyone at your table orders, and while the chef brings out everyone’s food, he tells you that yours is still being prepared. So, you sit there while everyone’s enjoying their meal.
It’s fine at first. But if too much time passes, you feel like the oddball out. Everyone encourages you with, “Don’t worry. It’s coming.” but it’s not. Eventually, you’re overwhelmed by this feeling of, “I don’t want to be here.” I’ll come back when the food is here.
Hence, the only men they see in the church are married men.
So, how do men handle their loneliness in the meantime? They stop doing things that make them so painfully aware of what they’re missing in their lives. They don’t go to parties. They don’t go to social events to mingle. They don’t even go to places where you expect to see couples or large groups of friends hanging out.
Instead, they put their minds to work. They concentrate on things they know they can control, which is themselves. They work, focus on their fitness, their goals. And yes. Some lose themselves in video games and other vices, basically anything to take their minds off of the fact that they are indeed alone.
“But Rock, you’re making a greater point of why it’s so important for men to go to a Singles Mixer then. Because that’s what a mixer is for! Because let’s say you’re correct and he might feel it’s inappropriate to make moves on a girl in church or while leaving church. Wouldn’t it behoove him to go to a mixer where everyone is there to find someone?”
Are they? Are they there to find someone?
My Experience at the Singles Mixer
You would think that the point of going to a Church Singles Mixer is to help you to find someone and make a “connection,” right?
I’m sure that does happen at a lot of Singles Events. But from my experience…the sentiment I gathered from the women at this mixer wasn’t that they were looking for a boyfriend or a husband. They were looking for “support.”
What kind of support?
The, “Aww, it’s okay that you’re alone. We can all be alone together!” kind of support.
It’s like everyone was resigned to the idea that they’ll always be single and that’s okay. Even in ChishaZed’s video, there’s a woman who mentioned that she got to connect with some amazing Christian women who she’s looking forward to staying in touch with.
That lady mentioned that during her Christian Singles Mixer, the conversations were all just surface level, and the talk of money kept coming up as opposed to meaningful conversations about their love for Christ.
At the Christian Mixer I went to, I saw several ladies making no attempt to talk to us guys. They just stuck to other ladies. So again, I ask… “Are they there to find someone?”
Perhaps they are. Perhaps they expected men to make the first move, to work for them, to approach, and get the conversation started?
Lol. I did. The one woman that I actually found attractive at this event, I approached her and got to talking to her, only to find out she was a single mom. She was talking about how her kid plays soccer and she even scheduled a playdate with another woman who was at this mixer.
“But Rock! That was just one mixer! You gotta keep going to these things and…”
After listening to the ladies from ChishaZed’s video, there’s one more point I want to hammer home. Because if you hear them speak, let’s just say it’s not difficult to understand why they might have a problem landing the Christian man they claim they want.
Christianity and Feminism Does NOT Mix
Prov 21:9 says that it’s better to live on the corner of a roof than with a quarrelsome wife.
Verse 19 says that it’s better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.
From my personal experience, I’ve met too many women who claimed to be Christian while also trying to be modern or a feminist. The two don’t mix and you can tell what kind of woman you’re dealing with in just the way they carry themselves.
When I was 31, I matched with a beautiful black surgeon who claimed she was Christian. I asked her, “If the Bible says that something is an abomination but the world says it’s okay and actually celebrates and has parades for it, which way do you sway?”
She answered, “I have gay friends and I don’t feel the need to shove my beliefs down people’s throats. So, you seem a little too conservative for me.”
If I was at a Christian Singles mixer and I asked every woman that question, what would their answers be? What would your answer be?
If we’re both claiming to be Christians but only one of us strives to obey Christ’s commands, we’re going to quarrel. This is one of my favorite essays, because its one of the biggest reasons why I think a lot of Christian women will not get the man they claim they want. It’s about submission.
Christian Men understand that they’re supposed to be the leaders. We’re supposed to be the heads of our households, to guide, protect and provide for our wives and children. (Ephesians 5:21-27)
Wives are called to submit to our authority and headship. If you think a man isn’t worth following or you don’t trust him to lead you…don’t marry him.
If any of that bothers you as a woman, maybe you’re not ready for marriage to a Christian Man. It’s the same for men who claim they want a humble, loving submissive Christian wife. If you’re not a man who’s striving to put God first, why on earth do you think God would bless you with one from his flock?
And yes, you do hear of how a Christian woman got with a bad boy and helped convert him. But even there, I’m dubious. I’m firmly in the camp of if you’re a good girl who got with a bad boy, then you’re not as good as you think.
Why am I bringing this up?
Ladies…I think the biggest problem between men and women in America is that the culture has pushed you to stop caring what men want. The culture has indoctrinated you into pursuing selfish lifestyles, movements, experiences, and materialistic things that don’t prioritize the needs and wants of men.
So, if you want this, but a man wants that…who budges? Who changes for who?
If you want a man who makes six figures, but I’d rather live a comfortable low-pressure life with my $60k…Should I change for you want? Or should you lower your standards to get with me?
That is the friction, the conflict between modern Men and Women. And instead of going to God’s word the Bible for the answers, too many people who claim to be Christian are listening to the world.
The mainstream culture and corporate media are on the side of women because Women make up the majority of consumers (they want your money). And as a result, we have a generation of women who either have no clue what men want, or they’ve been taught that it’s misogyny for men to have preferences at all.
I’m saying this to open your eyes. Women are asking questions. I hope they’re ready for answers. You’re not going to hear any of this on the Mainstream, the CNNs, or even “Tonight’s Conversations” where people are saying whatever it takes to keep women happy and giving up their money.
The answers are all in the Bible. In Matthew Chapter 5, Jesus Christ talked about how blessed the meek and humble are. When you read Ephesians Chapter 5 and it tells you that women are to submit to their husbands, it takes a humble heart to accept and obey.
I don’t know if a Christian Singles Mixer is the best use of your time and energy.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I’m gearing up to release a series about my success with Online Dating and how I was able to find my future wife. I never liked the idea of having to search for a wife online…but a man like myself, I acknowledged that it gave me my best chances.
Stage In The Sky 