Stage In The Sky

Let me start by saying I’m a firm believer in the notion of, “the only one you can control is yourself.”

That being said, I’m aware that it is possible to get people to feel/think/do what you want them to by game, influence, and manipulation. It is possible to convince others to love you, prioritize you, or to like you. If I wanted to, I could do all of this. And yet, I refuse.

If you were to ask me why, I don’t ever think I could respect people like that. It’s like those clips where a guy walks up to a woman, tries to talk to her, she blows him off like he’s no big deal until she sees that he’s driving a Maserati. Then, all the sudden, she hurries over to get his attention. Now, all the sudden she’s interested.

You could say that’s just the way the world is. That’s just the way people are. And if that’s the case, I’m sorry…I don’t like this world and I don’t respect those people.

“Rock! You shouldn’t look down on them.”

Sorry. I do. Heads up, I’m gonna be completely honest in this post. A lot of what you’re going to read is going to make me sound incredibly weak and insecure. That doesn’t mean I’m a weak and insecure person. These are just flaws. We all have them. These are mine.

Also, this one is more of a memoir than Christian encouragement or meant to entertain you. Feel free to skip this one if you want.

…

At the age of 37, I have to admit a huge flaw of mine. I thought it was just one-offs, or there was a specific reason why I was like this with certain individuals…but it’s a chronic shortcoming of mine.

With the exception of my parents, I don’t believe people when they say they care about me. I don’t believe people when they say they want to see me. I don’t believe them when they say they love me. And I don’t believe them when they say we’re friends or that they believe in me.

The keyword in all this is “say”. A lot of people say this or that. I’m not calling them liars. I just think they’re mistaken. Even if they believe the words that are coming out of their mouths. I’m not so easily convinced.

This doesn’t mean I think everyone hates me. I just assume most people are polite and kind, or they say things because it sounds nice or it’s what they’re expected to say. I also learned the hard way that there’s ulterior motives to such “acts” of kindness.

Lol, I remember one of the first times I aware of this. I was 9-years-old and my dad threw a little birthday party for me and bought me a bunch of gifts. I was ecstatic. So happy.

But a couple of weeks later, when it came time to visit him for the weekend (my parents were divorced), I didn’t want to for reasons I’ll mention later, that’s when he said, “I bought you all those gifts and you don’t want to spend time with me?”

And I remember…I was only 9-years-old but that struck me. Instantly, it made me unbearably sad. I thought to myself, “You mean, you didn’t buy me those things because you wanted to? Was it just to get me to visit more?”

And maybe that’s normal? That ulterior motive of, “I’m giving this to make you happy, but also, I want you to like me more or do something for me in return.”

I dunno. I think that’s fine for colleagues and teammates…but when it comes to so-called friends and loved ones, I don’t like it.

My point is…people often say and do things they really don’t mean. You might think they’re doing it for you…but it’s really for them. And there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with taking pleasure of serving others.

I realized this when I was about 27, when I bought my best friend a necklace for her birthday. But there was a mishap with shipping and it arrived 5 days late. My friend wasn’t upset about it, but I was. And it pondered why it bothered me so much until it hit me.

It really is MY pleasure to give to others. Hahaha! That pleasure was robbed from me because it didn’t arrive on time, spoiling it like a comedic joke that didn’t land on time.

Last year, one my mentors told me, “Rock, you got to get in the habit of doing for others and expecting nothing in return.”

I asked, “Not even a thank you?”

Because believe it or not, another thing that can spoil the pleasure of doing for others is ingratitude, a sense of entitlement, or people straight up taking you for granted…acting like you’ll always be there, oblivious to the fact that tomorrow isn’t promised and I can get hit by a bus tomorrow.

“The only one you can control is yourself…” If doing for others hurts you, you need to do less.

In my 20s I had a remedy of dealing with the pain of thinking nobody gives a s**t about me. That pain isn’t an everyday occurrence, mind you. It usually surfaces when I’ve just done something amazing, when I’ve just accomplished a goal, when I’ve just triumphed and wanted to share it with the world, someone, anyone.

When I fall into that pit of “nobody cares,” I have to go through the motions of getting rid of people. I un-follow and unfriend people I haven’t heard from in years or months. I’m making my world smaller because my existence feels small. And suddenly, I feel better. Much better. Like letting go of the chains so I can run faster, much lighter.

My “family” has me in a number of text chats. I notice a lot of them are good about interacting with each other. If I say something and nobody interacts with me, I mute the chat and make it a point to not check it for the next two months. Sounds petty, but it feels good.

That being said, I want to point out three individuals who I’ll never let go of no matter how much time has passed, no matter how much I tell myself, “Rock, you’re not that important.”

Eliza is my best friend from college. From 2005-2009, she was one of my closest confidants. She threw my first birthday party as an adult. The first time I went to the casino, it was with her and her family. But when she graduated and went back up to Michigan, I started to hear from her less.

My family’s lack of care (and straight up doubt concerning my ability to accomplished my goals) played on my insecurity that no one really cares, so I changed my number, sent my family an e-mail to basically leave me alone…and anyone who was close to me, anyone who knew me as the man called Reggie instead of Rock, I set out to cut them off. I wanted a fresh start. A new chapter, come what may.

In 2009, when I was just turning 23, I tried to cut off Eliza by writing her a letter basically thanking her for her friendship and wishing her the best, because it felt like she was done with me too.

About a week later, in typical Eliza fashion…she wrote back and told me, “You’re not going to lose me that easily.”…it’s what I needed to hear. God knows that’s what I needed. She refused to let me go. Refused to stop being my friend.

Since then, we remained friends. I fulfilled my promised to come to her wedding (even though there was a blizzard in Detroit, see below). And she’s come back to visit me many times.

Even when I came to her wedding, I wasn’t able to stay for the reception because the snow was piling up and she was my only contact (I wasn’t about to ask the new bride to come out if I got stuck in the snow). So, months later she left a drunk voice messages saying, “You know what, Rock. I have to say, I was really pissed that you didn’t stay for the reception. I was looking for you and couldn’t find you.”

I honestly appreciate things like that. I’m not a narcissist. I don’t walk around thinking everyone’s so lucky to have me in their lives. For her to be that upset (it was one of many times she drunk ranted to me), it shows that she cares. Even on one of the most important days of her life, where hundreds have come. She was looking for me.

I’ll never forget Eliza. Never.

Next up, is my cousin Allyssa. Ever since Allyssa was a baby, she’s always taken after me. I’ve loved and adored her more than anyone else in this world. She and her sister, Autumn were always like little sisters to me. Always.

That being said… once she turned 18, she was no longer a child. I can forgive teenagers and kids for taking me for granted, but when your grown…There was a time when she started ignoring my texts and responding less. I wasn’t upset. I just took that as a hint that she just needed some time and space to grow, because I went through the same phase myself, where you just want to spread your wings and see what you can do on your own. I respect that.

In the 7 years since I visited for her high school graduation in 2015, she eventually got married. And I want to say it wasn’t until August 2018 that we really reconnected and continued a close relationship. However, at times, I confess it has felt a bit one-sided. But whatever, this is my Allyssa. So, I didn’t care about that.  

That is until her sister’s funeral in January 2023. Forgive me for not going into details, but there was a lot that happened that day that really ripped into the scars of “Rock, you’re not that important” and tore it wide open.

“But, Rock. It’s not about you. It was about Autumn’s funeral. This is about Allyssa, and Autumn’s brother, and Autumn’s daughter, and her mother and her father!”

As in…there are other people more important than me who we should prioritize when it comes to who deserves the most help, love, and attention. Right?

Hence… “Rock, you’re not that important. You’re not that important. You’re not that important.”

Imagine hot coals on your chest…So much hatred and rage and anger and it burned. I felt that for months. I threw myself in boxing practice. I worked my ass off in the gym. I threw myself into projects. Trying to do anything to take my mind off of the pain.

You’re not that important, Rock. Others are more important. Focus on helping them. I focused on helping Allyssa who now had to take custody of her 6-year-old daughter Paiten.

For the first few months, in almost every phone call and text, it was me trying to uplift her, supporting her, encouraging her. And yes, there was an ulterior motive here. I just lost Autumn, I CANNOT lose Allyssa. So, I made plans to venture out to visit her twice in one year. I thought of each visit like it’d be the last time I’d ever see her again, because tomorrow’s not guaranteed.

There were countless nights where I lost sleep worrying about her safety. I wish I lived in their city to protect them. I wanted her to move here to Tampa. Like a hawk, like a dragon, I would’ve ripped apart any threat (the above AI art is exactly how I’d guard her). 2023 was her year. She dominated my thoughts and came up in almost every deep conversation where someone asked, “how you been, Rock?”

Meanwhile, I really was still in a tremendous amount of pain. It’s like being on fire while trying to put out the flames on someone else.

After about 3 months of this, when I talked to Allyssa, I started to sense a bit of coldness in her tone, very business-like as she vented about everything that was constantly happening. And one thing she kept mentioning in every conversation was, “All I care about is Josh and Paiten.” (her husband and niece).

Lol, there were a few occasions where she’d quickly catch herself and say, “And you too, Rock. I care about you too.” As if, that should go without being said.

Let me stop for a moment to expound on this, if I may.

*QUICK ASIDE *

If you met me in person, you’d probably get the impression that I am an upbeat, strong, confident, and capable young man. If you spoke to me for five minutes there’s no way to tell that I’m insecure about anything, as if I have everything going for me and I don’t need anyone’s validation or support to work hard and succeed.

When I was 25 and in the talking phase with my Colombian paramour, I told her, “You know what, I just noticed you never compliment me. You never say anything great or nice about me.”

She responded with, “You always compliment yourself, so there’s no need for me to.”

She was right. I told her to go f herself, but she was right. The thing is, there’s a reason why I used to compliment myself. And by compliment, I don’t mean I was like Muhammad Ali calling myself the greatest. But I did like to talk about my accomplishments, the same way most people talked about whatever they did on the weekends. I had hundreds of small wins that no one would ever know about unless I told them. So, I did. (sorry)

“So, Rock, do you need compliments?”

No…but I’d like them. It’s a great way to demonstrate your belief in me. Especially as an author where success is a marathon, not a sprint. Positive encouragement is awesome fuel to keep me running. But if there’s none of that, well…there’s plenty of negativity (doubt/pessimism/resentment/anger/hate) to fuel me as well.

I’ve seen how some compliment ugly people and say they’re beautiful. I’ve seen how some compliment stupid people and say they’re smart. I’ve seen how some praise garbage just to make them feel good for the effort they put in.

But ever since I was a kid, it’s almost like I was cursed with being surrounded by people who were disappointed to see me succeed. What I got was, “Alright, don’t let it go to your head! Oh, you won because you were taller. Your team was stacked against them. Alright, now Rock. You ain’t all that.”

Even today, in my advertising job where I work with mostly Millennials, I’ve noticed how the ones who barely contribute or speak up are showered with praises and emoji during the rare chances they say something regardless of how inconsequential it is. If you check out this reel, whether you agree with it or not, I’ve seen it work on stupid people.

I say it’s stupid because in no way should you treat the person who barely contributes, like they’re more significant than the one who you can always count on. Because once that person sees how much you’re doting on the rare individual, you risk running off him who was always there for you. Now what, smart guy?

Thus, I don’t blame my cousins on my dad’s side when I only visit once every other year and my dad pulls out all the stops for me. If I made a greater effort to be there more, they might show up and say hello. But if I demonstrate that they’re not a priority, I don’t blame them if they don’t care to stop by when I’m in town.

*END OF ASIDE *

All of that said, it came to a point where all the pain and insecurities got the better of me and I didn’t think Allyssa really cared if I came to visit or not. So, I called her and told her that I wasn’t going to attend her college graduation that May. I know that sounds bad, but believe it or not, just like when I unfriended people…I immediately felt better and the pain went away, just a little bit.

She responded through text to say, “alright. I understand,” and I thought that was the end of it.

Then, hours later when I was asleep, she really exploded on me with a passionate message of, “Sorry, I have to say this. I know this sounds selfish, but I’m really upset that you aren’t coming. I honestly don’t even want to graduate anymore if you aren’t going to be there. It feels like you’re abandoning me.”

I was really sorry to have put her through that. I honestly just didn’t know. Needless to say, I was there for her graduation.

Even with people telling me to focus my attention on helping Autumn’s daughter, Paiten, who’s going to need all the love and support she could get, I didn’t know how because I honestly didn’t know Paiten back then.

Of course, when I did finally spend time with the kid, we hit it off right away. She really is just like her mother in so many ways. The same contagious laugh. Even the same fascination with my hair. I love that kid so much.

The last one I’ll mention, is another cousin…Angie. Angie’s about 5 years older than me and honestly…I didn’t know her all that well before a few days ago. If I saw her during the reunions, we’d hit it off. But when we left, I wouldn’t hear from her for years.

In December 2023, Angie’s 13-year-old daughter just lost her older brother (a step-son), so I reached out to console and offer my condolences. We struck up a friendship and by the end of our conversation, started making plans to have me come up north for a visit.

What I love about Angie, is from the get-go she displays an incredible sense of understanding. Meaning, I don’t have to go into details or spell everything out for her to simply get what I felt and why.

No lie, sometimes, when I talk to people in real life about anything deep like my essays, it just goes right over their heads. They’re like a deer in the headlights, nodding and “saying” they understand, but by their follow-up questions or lack thereof, it’s apparent they have no clue what I’m talking about. Which is why I save most of my thoughts for the pen and paper.

Angie is a police dispatcher with a degree in criminal justice. Stands to reason, her work involves empathy, listening, and not taking everything that’s said as a personal attack.

After we suggested my coming up to visit her and see New York…the insecurities surfaced. Did she really mean it? Or was she just being nice? I mean…it’s not like I’m important or anything.

My dad and I made plans to visit the Grand Canyon together, but he bailed on me on Super Bowl night. Still…I was determined to go and see it. Fearing Angie would do the same with my trip to New York, I started making up my mind to just go without her.

Lol, so I tried to ditch her. I told her that I wanted to go to New York to see the WTC by myself. She countered with, “How about if we come to Philly where you’ll be staying?”

I agreed to that, not knowing what to expect, but planning for the worse.

Two weeks before the trip, it’d been a while since I heard from her, so I texted, “Hey, Angie! Just checking to see if you’re still down to come up to see me in Philly.”

30 minutes went by.

So, I followed up with, “It’s okay if something’s come up. No worries :D.”

Angie knew exactly what I was trying to do. I was trying to give her an out, a reason to back out and not worry about me being offended. She responded with “We’re still on! See you there.”

I plan to write posts about all three of my adventures, but what made Philadelphia my favorite city…was having Angie and family there. I regret not having them come with me to New York. I think if they had come, New York would’ve been 10x better.

After touring the city of Philadelphia and Terminal Reading Market, we chatted in my hotel lobby where I apologized for trying to ditch her. Even her daughter expressed disappointment for not being able to come to New York with me. So ashamed of myself. I honestly didn’t know they cared so much. Clearly, I didn’t and it was so shameful.

I tried to explain this stupid condition of assuming no one gives a s*** and she immediately understood. She didn’t need to know my backstory or everything leading up to who I am, she just understood. She nodded and said, “Yeah, I can tell that’s what was happening.”

Ladies and gentlemen…that is incredible. I’m now on eight pages for this post and I can guarantee you that there’s a lot of people who will read this and either still don’t understand or they’ll slight me for being a soft, sensitive person. But that’s not how Angie sees me.

The next day, she texted that I’ve “grown into such a strong confident young man who also loves his family. And funny.”

It’s inspiring, honestly. When you’re constantly surrounded by people who don’t have this level of comprehension, you sometimes have to battle the depressing thoughts of just being a weirdo, so you just keep everything bottled up inside and say nothing.

It’s inspiring because there are people out there who do understand. You just have to find them. Never let them go. Some of them have lives and other obligations. If they don’t know how to make time and space for you, let them go too.

But when you do find someone who understands and knows how to fit you with in their busy worlds…those people are priceless to me.

I will definitely come back and visit sooner than later. I’ll never forget them. Never.

I’m providing these three examples, because I’m quite certain whoever I get married to is going to need to possess these rare abilities of empathy, understanding, and compassion. I excel at many things. I am ridiculously strong in a lot of areas. But I have my flaws just like every other man.

I can’t be with someone who doesn’t impress how important it is to have me there. If it seems like there’s no room for me in your life…it won’t work. I won’t try because it hurts and this is one aspect in which I am weak. I’m sorry.

“So basically, it sounds like you like it when people confront you for not being with them. Is that what you want?”

Well…if you suck at making it clear how important I am to you, yeah, you might need to. It’s not like I haven’t done the same for those I love. I gave Allyssa all kinds of crap for not reading my book. I tell ladies I’m talking too that I don’t like it when they leave me on read. Some might think that’s needy or whatever. But some might recognize that, “huh…he actually cares about me playing a more active role in his life.”

This concludes the essay. The rest is my backstory, an attempt to explain why I am the way I am. Thanks for reading.

…

Neglected. Forgotten. Cautious around you. The unknown. Different. Ever since I was a kid, when it comes to friends, classmates, and family I perpetually sensed all of these things.

I was a black who talked white. On my dad’s side of the family, I definitely saw how they favored my younger brother who was darker-skinned, liked hip hop, and fit right in with the southern black stereotypes.

On my mother’s side of the family, most of my cousins would agree that there is a strong hierarchy of respect and prioritization by which the older generations are put up on a pedestal over us younger ones. The Grandparents were kings and queens. The aunts and uncles were princess and princes. And us 3^rd generations were the servants.

More than that, about 2/3rds of my mother’s side of the family are Jehovah’s Witnesses. It really is like there’s a community in which you’re not part of it unless you’re a Jehovah’s Witness too.

At the same time, when I was younger, I had this innate, inexplicable feeling of fate or that I was destined for greatness. Seriously, when I was a kid, I just felt it in my bones. I honestly had so many talents. I was inspired by the young Michael Jackson who got famous as a child and I believed I could do the same as a singer/entertainer.

That’s all I wanted. To entertain others. To make people smile. To be adored. Loved. Liked. And as I mentioned, with my families, my chances were slim. People either didn’t believe in me, they didn’t care, or they prioritized themselves over the nurturing of a child.

As I mentioned in my essay about Arrogance…there was just something in me that refused to give up. If people didn’t believe in me, if no one liked me, if no one cared…So what! F*** ‘em. This is my life! If I can’t depend on their support, encouragement, or adoration, I wasn’t about to let that stop me.

So…I dared to believe in myself. And by the grace of God, with fire and determination in my heart, and yes…a chip on my shoulder from my upbringing, I graduated high school and took off running 100mph. I never stopped. I lost 178lbs. I managed to work at a prestigious law firm for over 15 years. I paid off all my student loan debts. Own my own home. Own my own car and I published my own books.

Back in early 2020, just before Covid struck, my mom and step-dad came down to visit Tampa. Their first time since 2005 when they dropped me off for college. As my mother looked around at my world and everything I accomplished, she told me…

“Rock, I wish you gave us more credit for your success in life.”

She was going to go on but I had to stop her. I wanted to keep this trip pleasant and she was walking down a rabbit hole that would lead to a bunch of skeletons in the closet.

I told her, “Mom, if I were you. I’d give up on that happening. I give you credit for laying down the Christian foundation in me. I give you credit for co-signing on my student loans so I can go to school down here. But how far I’ve come, everything I’ve accomplished…I’m sorry, that wasn’t you.”

Furthermore, and what I didn’t tell her for the sake of peace and discretion, was that a huge part of my determination to succeed stemmed from a spite and resentment towards their lack of encouragement, support, and confidence in me.

If you ask them, they’d say they supported me. But if you asked them how, you’d find out that it was the bare minimum. Allow me to give you one of MANY examples I’ve had to just swallow and deal with on my own.

In 2016, around my 30^th birthday, even though I didn’t want to visit my mother…out of love and compassion because she just lost her father months earlier, I sacrificed what I wanted to put her first and drove to Georgia for a visit.

Mind you, by this point, I had published many books for e-books and print. I’ve entered competitions and promoted it on all my social media websites. I’ve seen my mother promote other things on her Facebook page, like a congratulations for someone or highlighting their accomplishments, but she’s never done this for my any of my work.

She’s never even read any of my books. She’ll say “Congrats” during a phone call when I told her what I did…but that’s it. And whatever, right. I’m an artist. I have to accept that not everyone likes to read, nor can I expect people to care about my craft as much as I do. I had accepted this…to a point.

During that 2016 visit to see my mom and step-dad, we drove to Atlanta to see my older brother and his wife and went to Dave and Busters and it was a nice time. Until, we went back to my brother’s apartment and they put on a DVD of one of my cousins, a Jehovah’s Witness, giving a public talk.

I start asking questions, “Hang on. You guys went to Colorado just to see him give his first public talk?”

They said, “Yep?”

They flew to Colorado to see him give his public talk. They recorded it, obviously. And now, even though he’s not even in the flipping room, they thought it’d be a good idea to put on that DVD and watch it again during my visit. I’m not a Jehovah’s Witness. All of them are. Not me.

Now, you might look at this situation and see nothing wrong here. They’re just showing love and support for one of our relatives. And you’d be right. You’d be absolutely right.

…I had to step outside after 15 minutes of that. It hurt so much. I started crying as I waited in the car. They went out of their way to show so much love and support for a cousin’s public talk. They didn’t just “say” congratulations, they demonstrated it. That’s all I ever wanted.

All I ever wanted was for them to demonstrate how much they really believed in me. They wouldn’t need to fly anywhere for that. All it would take is a little bit of time and effort to read my books. It would cost nothing to give a “like” on my posts about my works. It would’ve meant the world to me if they promoted it on their own pages and told others, “Hey y’all! Just wanted to share that my son published his first book!”

Again, I’ve seen them do this for others, so it’s not like they don’t know how to demonstrate support. Yes, they could lean on their religion as an excuse, and say something along the lines of “we don’t agree with it’s content”. Sure.

But it reminds me of a saying my family liked to recite when I was coming up, “Rock! If you don’t have family, then what do you got?”

So stupid…

After that experience, on the trip home, I told them, “From this day forward, I will never depend on another human being for my happiness. The only person I’ll ever allow myself to depend on is my future wife. That’s it.”

These affirmations, these personal codes…I believe every adult has the right to make these up for themselves based on who they are and what they’ve personally experienced.

So many like to put us all in the same boat. “Rock, you’re not the only one…” Etc.. Sorry, that’s nonsense.

I overthink. I overanalyze. I perceive. I assume. I presume. I conclude. I remember. I used my head.

Recently, I told a love interest about how I left church early because they kept having couples come up to talk about their Christian journeys. It bothered me because 1) I didn’t come to hear personal stories. And 2) I really don’t like hearing Christians talk about how they used to live horrible immoral lifestyles, which got them each other as man and wife, and then found Christ.

Seriously, I’m happy they found Christ. But like I said in my Standards essay, in my mind they cheated. If I was living immorally, I could throw my Christianity out the back window and get a wife too because I wouldn’t be waiting until marriage to have sex. I don’t want to hear how happy you are with the success of your immoral decisions.

Sound like I’m hating, doesn’t it? Sounds like, I’m hating on their happiness and the fact that God’s blessed them. Perhaps. But that’s not why I left service early.

I left the service early because it’s not great to be reminded of how different you are from everyone else. When I read the Bible, I find solace in people like Elijah, Samuel, and Jeremiah. I feel more relatable to them than most of my peers, but of course, I can’t say that out loud because it sounds like I’m saying I’m better than everyone else.

This is why I cling to God so much. It’s one of the reasons why I try to reach others and encourage them to return to Christ. This world is not made for true followers of Christ.

In my affirmation, notice I said that I will never depend on another human for my happiness. Because by then, I had read the entire Bible and I believe in it. God exists. Every night when I read just a few chapters, it’s my alone time with my heavenly father. He heals me. Nurtures me. Strengthens me. He cares about me.

“You’re not that important, Rock.”

I am to God. I don’t doubt that for a second. When you’ve lived alone as long as I have, when you are truly alone where you don’t have anyone to lean on on a daily basis, where there aren’t any friends or loved ones that you can lean on just to unburden yourself every day…I can always depend on God to hear my prayers and bless me with the strength, patience, and wisdom needed to get through the day.

Christ loved all of his disciples. I don’t believe that he loved them all equally…but Christ constantly demonstrated that they were all still very important.

That quality, that ability to make someone feel like they’re important even if they aren’t the MOST important, it’s a rare ability. You can demonstrate it by the attention, focus, and interest you pour into an individual.

I think a good way to know you’re good at it…is when others reach out to you when something’s happened to someone who they think is your friend.

I remember back in 2012, a co-worker named Chris S had passed away. Others attended his funeral but I didn’t it. So, a few ladies confronted me and said, “I was disappointed you were there. I thought Chris was a good friend of yours! You should have been there!”

I was 26 at the time so it took a moment to grapple with what they were saying and why they said it. I realized that I had given him and others the impression that we were best friends just by the way I treated him in our interactions. I didn’t have his number. I didn’t know where he lived. We never hung out outside of work. But I really do have the ability to treat people with love and respect, to make every person I’m talking to feel like they are important to me.

That should be a good thing. I think this is why people like coming to me. It’s why people are disappointed when I don’t go to events and parties.

At the same time, I think my awareness of this feeds into my insecurities.

If I know how to treat people like they’re important to me even though they’re not…it’s understandable to doubt others who say I am…but they don’t demonstrate it.

Reminds me of what George Bernard Shaw said about liars.

“So, then. You’re lying Rock! By pretending that people are more important to you than they are. Shouldn’t you demonstrate how you truly feel about the person?”

I did demonstrate this by not attending his funeral, sad to say.

I’m sorry, I still believe in treating people with love and respect. If you talk to me and I like you as a person, I’m going to ask questions, commend you, and encourage you. The ones who are important to me are the ones who demonstrate the same in return. Chris S did not. A lot of people who probably think they’re my friends do not. And that’s alright.