This is a little embarrassing to admit because…as men, we’re told we have to be “masculine” and apparently everyone’s coming up with their own pre-conceived notions of what masculinity is…but if you know me, then you know honesty is forte.
This is about getting Likes or even Emojis for your work, posts, and social media. Essentially, it is “validation.” It’s cool to say things like, “I don’t NEED any validation”. Sure, sure.
The truth is…I don’t “NEED” it. But would I like it? Absolutely! Why does anyone post ANYTHING, if not to share and get some kind of reaction or validation back from the people who “follow” them. This isn’t a bad thing. We’re humans living in the age of technology. Once upon a time, we had local fairs and town squares. Now, we have social media.
Compliments, likes, and validation…it’s encouraging. It’s a demonstration of support or appreciation that you liked something. It feels good to get these things, especially for us artists!
I’m not saying anyone has to give a “like” if they don’t want to. What I’m attacking is this notion that “something is wrong for you for wanting or feeling uplifted by that validation,” even if it’s something as small and insignificant as a “like”.
It’s only when you find yourself addicted to that validation that you might run into a bit of trouble. And seeing how far I’ve come when I’ve sometimes gone months and years without any validation, reward, or recognition…I don’t think I have that issue.
So…you know I have to go deeper than all this. Because, as I said in the video, it was in response to a real disagreement I had with an associate where he attempted to gaslight me for caring about things such as receiving emojis and likes in response to my comments and posts.
And it’s ironic because, even though I’m not afraid to admit that I actually do like “Likes” and “Emojis” in response to my posts…I KNOW he does too. I think he and others are lying through their teeth when they try to act all cool as if they were born without feelings.
In this case, I think he tried to gas-light me into not caring or into feeling bad about caring, to eliminate competition. Meaning, he knows I’m funnier than he is. More people laugh at my stuff than his. He doesn’t like that. So, he wants me to stop what I’m doing so he can feel better about himself.
Again…I know all this sounds juvenile. But you’d be surprised how childish even adults in their 50s and 60s act. Let’s just be honest.
First off…all men are different. Just because a man is sensitive about one issue, it doesn’t mean he’s sensitive about everything. A white friend can say the n-word around me while rapping to a song and I wouldn’t care. But if he said it around my father, my dad’s likely to take offense. Does that mean my father’s a sensitive man? Does it mean I’m stronger and more masculine than him? I don’t think so.
With “Likes” and “Emojis” it’s literally the smallest form of validation anyone can give and it costs nothing. When people say things like, “So you need validation?” or “Do you need compliments?”
The answer is no. A lot of us artists or anyone who’s pursuing a dream…we don’t NEED validation to stay driven and hungry. Some of us are blessed with God-given confidence in our abilities. Our belief in ourselves that drives our purpose.
Do we “need” validation or compliments? No. Would we like validation and compliments? YES! Absolutely. Come on, man. We all know this! It feels good to be recognized and acknowledge for something we’ve accomplished or how far we’ve come or that we’re talented, funny, or loved. There’s a reason why adjectives like “uplifting” and “encouraging” exists. It feels good.
The fact that I have to spell this out for people is really sad. And I think it’s really sadder for people like me where you didn’t grow up with a lot of compliments, encouragement, or support towards things you really wanted to do. Wanted to play football, parents wouldn’t let me. Wanted to study martial arts, parent’s would let me so I had to do it behind their backs. I could sing and dance really well and my parents wouldn’t let me enter the talent contest.
I grew up in a house where my parents’ focal point was to “get us up out of the house and out from under their roof.” It’s alright. I don’t hate them. I like who I am and I wouldn’t go back to change a thing. My point is…as much as people like to make fun of those who are “starved for compliments”…some of us really were.
Years later, when I started working for a law firm, an attorney took me in and treated me like family. Over the course of 10+ years I watched as his kids grew up to become impressive, accomplished young men and it’s because their father took an interest in them, encouraged them, and demonstrated his support from things like the countless phone calls he made to get them into the Naval Academy and West Point and so forth. I was there, in the same office as worked his ass off for his sons. This is the difference between saying “I support what you want to do” and actually demonstrating it.
For a lot of us in the Black Community, here is where you’d get an old-timer saying something like, “I put food on the table, clothes on your back, and a roof over your head! That’s how I supported you.” Right.
I think that a lot of people who are used to getting validation, or they’re blessed to have others, friends and family who did provide that love and constant support…they either have no clue that there are a lot of people who don’t have any of that, or they forgot what It’s like to be without it.
And yes, even when it comes to something as trivial as a meme or an emoji, just getting a like or a laughing-face makes us feel good that you appreciated it or thought it was funny. Didn’t NEED it…but we appreciate it. Glad you enjoyed it!
“But Rock! What if the person just isn’t the type to give people like and emojis? I get that it may be a big deal to you…but to them, it’s not a big deal. So what, does that mean you’re going to hold it against them?”
You make a lot of valid points. The answer is “no,” I won’t hold it against them…if they’re being honest.
For instance, if I invite you out to a Michael Jackson concert and you turn me down by saying that you don’t like Michael Jackson or concerts…but when I go to that concert, I see you there with someone else singing every word to every Michael Jackson song…it throws a rock through your honesty.
If you SAY you aren’t the type to give likes and social validation, but I see you liking other people’s posts and links…that’s a problem for me. I’m going to think you’re a lying sack of ish. And when you say things like, “it’s not that big a deal” or “nobody cares about the likes…”
Gas-Lighting is: when you present a false narrative to another group or person, thereby leading them to DOUBT THEIR PERCEPTIONS and become misled, disoriented or distressed. Sometimes, the person gas-lighting you isn’t doing it for malicious reasons, meaning they aren’t even aware of their own contradictions.
But from my own personal experience…I’ve found that it has a lot to do with the other person’s jealousy or their feelings of inferiority. It’s like when I was younger and suspected a girl liked me. Another person who KNEW the girl liked me would say things like, “That girl isn’t thinking about you? She could have any guy she wants. She’s out of your league, man. I think you’re a bit arrogant to assume she’s into you, bro.”
And my naïve low-confidence ass would really start to question, “Huh…maybe I am arrogant. Maybe nobody is thinking about me. Maybe all those times she said hello to me and raced to come play with me was because she felt sorry for me. I maybe she was just nice.”
Not to mention there are the low-key haters out there. I’m talking about the “friends and family” who do like or love you in some sense…but deep down they absolutely do not want to see you succeed.
These are people who are living normal average lives or they’ve given up on their dreams long ago, and deep down they think that YOU think you’re better than them for daring to make more of yourself and accomplish lofty goals that deep down, they don’t think you’re worthy of. They may even be afraid of seeing you ascend and leave them behind. Or, the fact that you have the audacity to think highly of yourself, to believe in yourself is infuriating on a subconscious level to these people.
I just watched an episode of “Better Call Saul” where I legit predicted the story-line before it even happened! Because I always suspected there are people in my inner circle who are like Saul’s brother.
Long story short, in the first season, Saul (Jimmy) wanted to join his brother’s law firm. He worked his ass off to pass the bar. He wanted to get out of the law firm’s mail room to be an attorney at his brother’s firm but one of the partners refused to give him the job. Come to find out, it’s because his own brother didn’t want him to be an attorney at the firm. The brother didn’t think Saul was worthy. The brother said, “I gave my life to being an attorney! But you are just slippin’ Jimmy!”
I think a lot of people throughout my life were like that. When I was in my 20s, I called myself an author trying to break into the publishing industry. But if you saw me, I don’t look anything like what you’d expect from a brilliant JD Salinger type.
Trust me, if you go to any Literary Agency’s website, you’ll find that almost all the Men and Women look the same, even if they have different skin tones. Most of them appear dressed like hipsters, woke, liberal types who couldn’t handle themselves in a real fight. Whereas, I look like I should be manning the doors outside a strip club.
What does that have to do with anything? Jealousy! If you look like a jock, people expect you to be dumb, or at least dumber than they are. But if you look like a jock, you’re good looking and now smarter more brilliant than the geek who wishes they had an ounce of your physical genetics, they aren’t going to like that. Stepping into their domain, succeeding, and surpassing them is not allowed. Again, this is just a theory.
“But Rock! What if they just don’t like what you posted?”
Perfect! Then don’t give it a like or an emoji. That’s cool. I respect your honesty and free-will. I don’t want to force anyone to support me or like something if they genuinely don’t want to. Just as I wouldn’t want anyone to pressure me to support something I don’t like or approve of.
At the same time, you’ll never catch me saying some BS like, “I’ve always supported you” when I know that’s not true.
With “friends and family” in my life, they are notorious for this. I don’t hate or hold it against anyone if they willingly CHOOSE not to show or demonstrate support. Just don’t turn around later and say things like, “we’ve always supported you.”
“Why does that bother you so much, Rock?”
Because it wasn’t easy! It was tough. It was hard work. I’ve sacrificed so much and chose to not to cheat, rob, or compromised on my Christian principles to get that success sooner than later. For years, I chose to do the right thing, I kept grinding with little to no recognition or reward. I had small triumphs here and there but the people who “claimed” they supported me, they didn’t. Worse…I saw how they supported others.
For example, I published my first printed book that’s available on Amazon.com back in July of 2014. When I got those first hard copies…I was so proud of myself. It wasn’t my first novel, but the first in print, my first tangible evidence of a goal accomplished.
Out of everyone in my huge, big-ass family, to my knowledge, only one 2nd cousin in her later 50s bought my book. We’re talking 3 brothers, two sets of parents, nine aunts and uncles on my mom’s side, 6 aunts and uncles on my dad’s side, hundreds of cousins, a lot of them who I’ve gone out of my way to attend graduations and weddings…none of them but one, bought my books.
But whatever, right? Seriously, no hard feelings. No one has to support me if they don’t want to, and a few of them gave legitimate concerns, like the profanity and violence of my book. Sure. (it’s an organized crime novel)
But again…DON’T CLAIM THAT YOU SUPPORTED ME IF YOU DIDN’T!
You ask why it bothers me so much…because it feels like you’re trying to steal something that doesn’t belong to you. Like you’re trying to rob me of the credit of “doing it all on my own.” Any man who strikes out on his own and succeeds without your help, without a pat on the back, without any real demonstration of support…that man did something remarkable. He is strong. He is self-sufficient. His determination and confident is on full display! It’s a rotten thing to try and diminish all that by claiming to have aided him when you know you damn well didn’t.
Because truth is, we would’ve loved to have had that support, encouragement and validation that you claim you gave. But when we don’t get it…it hurts at first, sure. But then we adapt, get stronger and learn to do without it. Ladies and gentleman…trust me when I say you CANNOT gloss over this point.
When a man loves and cares about you and your opinion, and you don’t reciprocate that love or give him and support or encouragement in return…it hurts us! The process of training ourselves to stop caring about your love and validation is not easy. It takes months, sometimes years. But we do it because it’s necessary. It protects our heart and maintains our sanity, to keep us positive and optimistic.
So when that person tries to re-enter our lives after we’ve gone through the mental hurdles of getting over their love and validation… This is why you have a lot of guys who are mentally and emotionally hardened. They refuse to open up because they are afraid. They’re afraid that if they do open up, you’ll use it against them, sure…but also, they’re afraid of allowing themselves depend on others for that love, support, and validation when they’ve managed to grow strong without it.
Consider this: Imagine if you were an artist set who set out to paint a masterpiece on the ceiling, a masterpiece that would last for generations. You have a big-ass family. You have hundreds of friends. But no one comes to help. No one asks you about your work or seems to care. In fact, when you mention you’re a painter, they just scoff and quip about how you won’t make much money or that “everyone’s” an artist.
It takes you five years…five years of being driven by a dream and your own God-given self-confidence. No one comes to check out your progress. No one helps with clean-up or supplies. It’s just you. (I know Mike had help, but for this analogy, let’s assume he had no help)
There are nights when you start to second-guess yourself. Nights where you have to fend off misery, sadness, loneliness and depression. You’re getting older. You see others winning prizes for their art. You’re missing out on other opportunities, such as attending parties and going out on dates because you can’t let parts of your painting dry out without adding more to it. No one gets you. No one celebrates you. You’ll get the occasional, “I believe in you” in the form of spoken word. But that’s it.
So after five years, when you’ve finished your masterpiece. It’s unveiled for all the world to see. People are coming in and marveling at your work. How would you feel if one of your friends or family members came in and was like, “I always supported you!”
Personally, my Cousin Phyllis was the only family member who read my books. She’s the one family member who I could call and talk to for hours about my characters and it delighted me to no end to be able to fascinate her with the plot and story line. She passed away last December.
Other than her, the law firm that I work for, the attorneys and office manager gave me “words” of support almost every time I walked into that office. My boss, the soon-to-be Congressman, would invite me to talk about it live on his radio show. They didn’t “buy” my books as a demonstration of support, but it was support nonetheless. My parents eventually started asking about my work, but only years later and after I had long talks with them about how their lack of interest made me sad.
When I say “years later…” I mean it. Like, when I was 32, nearly a decade into writing, I was introducing myself to people at my father’s church. I told them what I did, but I didn’t mention I was an author. By this point, I had gotten used to people either not caring, not being impressed, feeling threatened, or chiming in with “I’m an author too”. But during this introduction, my dad made me smile when he said, “And? What else are you?”
“Oh…yeah, I’m an author. I write books, novels, and essays. lol, thanks dad.”
And one time, I was in the law office, and an attorney’s wife came in with her children. They saw my card lying around and one of the little girl’s said, “Who’s Rock?”
The wife said with such pride, “He’s going to be a famous author one day.”
They had no idea I was in the room next to them. Till the day I die, I will never forget that. I don’t know if I’ll ever be a famous author and, as a newly dedicated Christian, that doesn’t matter so much anymore. It’s the fact that she believed in me. Ain’t no way I’ll ever give up after hearing that.
I think one thing we suffer from as humans, is how the effect of positivity is fleeting, or short-lived. It almost needs to be constant or consistent in order to truly be effective. However, negativity last longer in our hearts and minds. Meaning we’ll remember an insult far longer than we’ll remember a compliment.
“I don’t know, Rock. I think you’re just being sensitive. It’s not that big a deal man. I think…”
Every time I hear “I don’t’ think it’s that big a deal” I hear ignorance. I hear a lack of understanding, the inability to comprehend. But let’s be honest, a lot of times when people say, “I don’t think it’s that big a deal” what they really mean is “you shouldn’t think of it as a big deal because I don’t”. And if that’s the meaning, I say, congrats…you’ve now graduated from being stupid to just being an asshole.
“Well, that’s why I’m not on social media because…”
Congrats, bro! Congrats. Here’s the thing…social media exists now. It’s a way of life. It’s how news is disseminated. It’s what people use to stay connected. Now, if the likes and emojis were done away with, if the ability to comment another’s posts was done away with, then maybe…just maybe social media would be a more even playing field.
But people wouldn’t like that, would they? Last year, Instagram toyed around with the idea of turning off the display of likes every post got and people damn near lost their minds.
Could it be that likes and emojis are actually mean something?
YES! Especially if you’re an artist. Companies run businesses and very often they hire artists based on their social media following or the amount of likes they get. Having a lot of likes on your posts, whether it’s of a link to your book, blog, or music is an indication that people either appreciate what you’re doing, they agree with it, they enjoyed it, or they’re willing to publicly support you. The more “likes” (sales/5-star review/shares) you have, the greater credibility you have that your work is good or impactful.
There are other artists who don’t need to explain any of this to their friends and family. Those friends and family just get it and shower the artists with likes and reviews even if they think it’s crap. They’re doing this not because they like the work, but because they like the person.
I remember when I first started boxing in 2017, and there was another author in the boxing gym. He didn’t have to say anything about being an author, because his best-friend was there, telling us all “Hey, ya’ll, my friend just got his book published, so if y’all want….feel free to check it out.”
I thought to myself… “Man…that is an awesome friend!”
Why? Because, for those who don’t know…most Artists don’t like to brag about their work. We don’t like to bring it up in every conversation and shamelessly self-promote it even though so many people say we should.
“Well, if you don’t promote yourself, you can’t expect to succeed and (continues generic spiel about success)”
Agreed. But therein lies the rub, as well as the whole point of this essay. If an artists puts his work out there to promote himself, but his own friends and family can’t even be bothered to even give it a “like”…if his own friends and family don’t even show support and validation towards it, what makes you think a company would be willing to invest in him.
“Maybe they aren’t supporting him because the work isn’t good!”
I call BS. Have you seen what’s being made in Hollywood? Have you seen the books that are being published? It’s not about whether or not it’s good, it’s about whether or not people will buy it, sad to say.
I think most artists would agree. And there’s the curse of being an artists. It’s the answer to, “if you’re so smart, then why aren’t you rich?” It’s because we’re not willing to do just anything.
So when you do see artists and authors who are best-sellers…personally, I don’t take it as, “they’re better writers than me”…it could be because their work fits in with what today’s culture wants to promote (the message, LGTBQ, female empowerment, anti-tradition, worldly causes)…it could be they have no shame in self-promoting themselves…it could also be that they’re just blessed with friends and family who know how to demonstrate their support beyond mere words, these people actively share, spread the word, and even connect the artists to the right people.
Stage In The Sky 