I used to be just like everyone else who said Dating Apps are a waste of time. I wrote a whole essay about how Tinder and Dating Apps have ruined dating for my generation. But then I had to come to terms with the fact, that a man like me had little choices left.
Points Discussed
- Why Men Don’t Chase Anymore
- High School Sweethearts:
- Trying to Find a Wife in College:
- Trying to Find a Wife in the Bar:
- Trying to Find a Wife in the Club:
- Trying to Find a Wife at Work
- Trying to Find Her at Church:
- Trying to Find Her at a Singles Mixer:
- Trying to Find Her at the Gym:
To begin with, allow me to say that I’m not a dating expert. I’m not a guru or a pick-up artist. You’re reading the words of an average-looking nine-to-five Christian man who’s never been on board with the hook-up culture or all these stupid dating rules the mainstream’s been promoting via music, TV shows, and social media.
Long story short…The dating sites weren’t the problem. I was. In this 8-part series, you’re going to see how I first tried dating apps 10 years ago in 2014 (age 28)…and it wasn’t until last year (2024, age 37) that I finally found a woman worth marrying. Allow me to explain.
Why Men Don’t Chase Anymore
In 2023, I wrote eight critical essays explaining the eight major cultural changes that ruined dating for Millennials. Dating Apps was one of those changes.
From the MeToo Movement, to the Cat-calling controversy, to false accusations, and men losing their jobs, careers, and ability to provide for themselves at the mere allegation of sexual misconduct, Men just don’t approach Women the way they used to.
Once upon a time, me and my friends had no problem walking up to a random hotty we saw in the mall and tried to shoot our shot to get her number. Even if she rejected us, we took it as a win in the sense that we mustered up our courage and went for it! That was not easy. The accomplishment was the attempt!
But now…thanks to social media, content creators, headlines, and TV shows like the REAL that are all biased towards prioritizing and elevating the needs and wants of Women over the man’s perspectives (because all men are apparently rich and powerful CEOs and Brad Pitts), Men have seen what happens to other men.
Men have seen the financial and social destruction of other men. They’ve seen people like that guy from Parks and Recreation or even Brett Kavanaugh who have gone through the gauntlet over ridiculous allegations and unfortunately, a lot of us can’t afford to take that risk.
That’s right, ladies. It is a risk. And perhaps, there is a bit of romanticism in it, right? For a man to approach a woman in today’s modern times, the implied romanticism in that he thinks you are worth the risk.
The problem is, to put it bluntly…you’re not. Not in the beginning. Not when he doesn’t know anything about the kind of person you are, or the kind of wife or mother you’ll be.
Sex and beauty are great, but from mere appearances alone, how’s he to know you’re also a faithful person with a low body count, no children, not married, or talking to anyone else?
Because, let’s be honest. If we see a woman in public who’s so ridiculously hot that we’re even tempted to throw caution to the wind and make a move, sad to say, for those of us who are more experienced (or jaded), we’re going to suspect there is a con.
In today’s amoral society, I don’t think it’s irrational for the average man to look at any hot woman and assume she already has a man, or a rotation of men, or that she has a high body count.
If you’re answer is to just “give her a chance, get to know her, and see if she’s who you’re looking for”…again…we used to do that. Now…it seems a lot of the current generation are reluctant to take that risk.
So, now what? What are we going to do? Let’s examine some of the old ways men and women used to get together. PS…all of this is coming from a man’s perspective…because I’m a man.
High School Sweethearts:
There are plenty of couples who get married, having met their spouses back when they were in high school or college. I think this is an awesome and ideal way to meet your spouse.
We’ve all had crushes. Once you graduated, it’s a romantic hope to reconnect with that one girl or guy you always had a crush on and see if you can make it work. So, why isn’t my generation en masse taking advantage of this?
Stupid curiosity for one thing. And I used to be guilty of this.
I remember criticizing a number of couples who got married straight out of high school. A lot of our mentality was, “Don’t you want to see the world? You’re tied down to one person for the rest of your life? You haven’t even experienced what else life has to offer! It’s too soon!”
Lol, now look at us. They’re still married with kids about to graduate high school, while we’re writing blogs and posting videos about the struggles of the dating market.
A lot of us were imbued with this mentality of needing to venture out and see the world. Well, if everyone does then we end up being states away from the ones we used to have a crush on. For me, when I graduated high school, I landed seven hours away from Augusta, Georgia to Tampa, Florida.
Trying to Find a Wife in College:
To be honest…my failure to find a wife in college was entirely my fault. I can’t blame the culture, family, or even my upbringing. The fact is, I was a glutton. I had no discipline. Little to no experience. No purpose. No direction in life. Just a fat-a** Pizza Hut delivery driver who couldn’t stop eating what’s in front of me.
Get down in the comments section and let’s talk about it, but I truly believe College would’ve/should’ve been my best opportunity to find a wife. I attended a film school where an entire floor was full of nothing but fashion design students from around the country. Some of the most beautiful women in the nation flocked to my school and during that time…I was 378lbs. (yep that’s me, age 21)
It wasn’t until my senior year in college that I found a sense of purpose and goals for my life. And it wasn’t until I was 26 that I was able to get down to 220. But by then, it was too late. I had entered the real world where the pool of hot available women aren’t as easy to fish for.
Trying to Find a Wife in the Bar:
I don’t drink or smoke. I can’t completely knock the bar scene since I’ve seen plenty of people get together and enjoy themselves at the modern day sports bars on fight nights or when there’s a big game going.
This notion kinda hits back to the high school sweetheart subheading in that, I think this works if you’re part of the culture, if you know the local community or have a strong social group where you aren’t going to be awkward.
Meaning, if you’re a small-town guy who likes the drink beer, watch sports, shoot pool, and hang out wherever, you’re probably not going to have a problem finding a mate in the bar (correct me if I’m wrong).
But even there, are those leading to marriages? Or is it just hook-ups where, in a two year span, you’ve pretty much went through the regulars at a joint? I don’t know.
Trying to Find a Wife in the Club:
My club experience is limited to my freshman year in college. It was back in the summer of 2005, a month after I graduated high school and came to the Tampa Bay area.
Back then, even at 290 pounds, I got girls and I got numbers. But they were all short lived and some of the things I used to do when it came to approaching women, I wouldn’t do in 2024. The culture was different back then. You could pursue persistently and the most we feared was rejection and ridicule…not SA allegations.
In Ask an Older Man’s Video above, you get a lot of different perspectives as to why men think finding a wife in the Club is a waste of time. So, now what?
Trying to Find a Wife at Work
This…if you’re not online dating, I honestly believe this is your best bet to find a spouse. I know a lot of people like to use the mantra of “don’t s**t where you eat,” meaning don’t cause trouble where you regularly find yourself. But hear me out.
Yes, there is the risk of drama in the workplace, and I’ve personally experienced the heartache of having to go to work and seeing your ex now talking to another man…but, for me, a guy who doesn’t go to bars, social events, and didn’t do online dating at the time…it was worth it because I had no other options where I was able to meet women.
In my 20s, the only female love interests I experienced all came from the women I worked with. My first committed girlfriend since high school was a coworker from a different department. She simply saw my birthday on a bulletin board and messaged me privately to wish me a happy 27-th. I took it from there.
The workplace is perfect because, for ladies, it’ll show you whether your man has integrity, drive, and a strong work ethic to be responsible and provide for the family.
And for fellas, it’ll show you how your woman carries herself, how she interacts with other people even before you were committed to her.
And when I say “workplace,” I’m not just talking about the average office job or warehouse center. I’m talking about any venue where men and women are simply working together for a common goal. Whether it’s a volunteering opportunity, breaking down and setting up a social event, or some project within the community.
It’s just unfortunate that the culture has made it so toxic for men and women to handle things like adults. Too many people let that drama affect their work and don’t know when to shut it down to focus on the tasks at hand. I can.
Trying to Find Her at Church:
As a Christian, I’ve tried the “community” approach. I joined a church group. I went to a singles mixer with the group and sad to say, I didn’t find any viable options.
In the church, the only attractive ladies I saw were young single mothers or girls who were barely out of high school, so much so, that they were still sitting with their parents in the pew.
The other single ladies, sad to say, were too old, out of shape, single mothers, or they weren’t blessed with the beauty most men would find attractive.
So when I see videos and comments of women complaining about the “lack of men” in the church, part of me wants to send them this essay about the Top 3 Reasons That Cause me to Lose Interest in Women Who Claim to Be Christian. Because one of the reasons is, they don’t take their looks seriously and they think you shouldn’t either.
This is a problem. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, ladies…but trust me when I say that even if you weren’t blessed with the prettiest face, or the assets that most men are drawn to, like an ass or a bosom…if you hit the gym, you can develop yourself to be more attractive.
That sounds shallow, I know…but men are visual creatures. The sooner you come to accept this, the way men have to accept our “burden of performance,” the sooner you will attract more suitors.
Even when I joined a new church last year, in 2023, the pastor made a remark of, “If you want men to come, either present them with food or women.”
I think there’s a lot of simple truth in there. I don’t want to come off as offensive, but of the single women who complain about the lack of men in the church…how many of them are of child-bearing age, put in the work to hit the gym consistently, and abstain from sex to avoid single motherhood?
As Pearl recently pointed out, it’s becoming obvious that a lot of ladies (not all) convenient seem to “find God” only after they reached a certain age and aren’t getting the same sexual attention they used to get from men. I encourage you to read that linked essay, because I go deep with that.
Trying to Find Her at a Singles Mixer:
There are plenty of videos where ladies complain about the lack of men going to Singles Events and Mixers. And from their complaints, I think it’s fairly telling why men don’t go.
Rejection is a big reason why, for sure. But also…I think with today’s culture, the average man is tired of being treated as inferior to women, or at the mercy of women. Which is the opposite of what the mainstream has been “projecting,” that Men are the oppressors treat women like they’re the second class citizens as if it’s still 1888.
On the dating market, we all know…equality is a sham. Men are the ones expected to do the grunt of the leg work, to do the impressing, to do the approaching, to show themselves as that traditionally masculine gentlemen in a modern society where women are not the traditional, kind, nurturing ladies of the after years.
We can fill up a whole essay talking about this point, but suffice to say, I attended a Christian Singles Mixer last year (in 2023) in search for a Christian Bride.
It was nice. Everyone was friendly and cordial. But like the church problem, the options were limited to too old, out of shape, or they were single mothers. And even with the single mothers who were the most attractive in the room (which I’m noticing is a trend), those Single Mothers tended to cordon themselves off to other women.
And when I approached those single mothers, they had this air of, “Alright, man. Impress me…” as if I’m the lucky one to potentially become a step-father.
Trying to Find Her at the Gym:
TRUE STORY OF HOW GYM FLIRTING GOES – https://www.instagram.com/reel/DA6aQMxIbGQ/?igsh=cGlheTFzcTcxOG1l
As a gym regular, I know I’m not the only one who dreamed of one day running into one of the many hot ladies we see, and striking up a conversation that leads to the exchange of phone numbers and blam! A relationship.
And while I have heard that “people only go to the gyms to work out” and “you shouldn’t be trying to find your mate in the gym because that’s not why they’re there…” I call BS on all of that.
It’s the same joke of “I’m not walking down the street to be cat-called”…Yeah, unless it’s by someone who looks like Brad Pitt or Idris Elba, then suddenly it’s, “Why aren’t men approaching anymore?”
I’ve been hitting the gyms over 4x a week ever since I was 20-years-old, so for eighteen years! The only women I’ve ever ended up talking to and striking up some kind of relationship with were women who were already married or decades older than me.
If we lock eyes, I’ll say hello to you, man or woman, regardless of your age. Unfortunately, it’s only the older ladies who have the courage or social skills to do so. That’s not to knock younger women. I know there are a lot of creeps and they have every right to be cautious about talking to random dudes.
But even there, if you’re not talking to me as an individual, do you think I’m a creep? I digress.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that the type of Gym you go to also affects your chances. Anytime Fitness brings in a more family friendly, mature, tame crowd. You’ll find a few gym hotties in there…but really, they’re all at the gyms that literally feel like the “club”.
Seriously, Anytime Fitness was my gym from 2008-2023. In January 2024, I joined Crunch Fitness and it blew my mind. We’re talking loud pulsing music. Super packed all the time. And it was full of the hottest South Florida people you’ve ever seen. Every woman was smoking hot and there was a buffet of them. Zumba classes full of them. All shapes and sizes.
Seriously, even the borderline fat women looked amazing. I couldn’t believe it. I was mad that I wasted so many years at Anytime when my chances would’ve improved drastically by simply immersing myself with the Crunch Fitness crowd.
The problem with this mentality, however, goes back to my point about being a gym regular for 18 years and not talking to anyone. When I was around 28, I remember, just one gym crush that I finally mustered the courage to go and talk to after seeing her around for several months. And even though she was nice and I got her name (that I’ve since forgotten)…not long after, she started bringing her big hulking boyfriend to the gym…so there’s that.
My point is, I’m not getting any younger. To continue to dream and hope of one day meeting my future wife in the gym when it hasn’t already happened in the 18 years that’s passed…I think it’s a bit foolish.
On behalf of myself…the only success I had in getting with a woman was either at work or via online dating. There haven’t been any options at work in years. So, to online dating sites, I went.
In the next post, things are going to get a little testy as I dig deep into the heart of the problem with dating apps and why so many are frustrated with it. Stay tuned!
Stage In The Sky 
Excellent points. I think if people do apps the right way, they can work. My youngest met her husband (a pastor) through Bumble about 10 years ago. A friend (52) seems to have met a sincerely committed Christian on an app. They can help screen out people who might be a dead end. Clubs and bars were always terrible places, whether you are a Christian or not. I’ve been off the market for over 39 years, so things have obviously changed a lot! My wife and I met in college.
LikeLiked by 1 person
lol, nice man! Yeah….I sometimes wonder what life would’ve been like if I was in shape in college. Would I have gone down the same path where I’d eventually commit myself to Christ? Would I have found my wife (as I think I would)? Or would I have found myself ensnared by the same trappings that caught my peers.
LikeLike
Pingback: Hypergamy is a Myth: Part 2 - Derek L. Ramsey